Guys, guys, I’m bouta drop a bombshell of a take, okay? Get ready, get ready-

…

2020 bad.

Suck my dick.

I ain’t even gotta say it you already know why this was the worst year ever. The list of reasons not to call this the worst year ever is a whole lot shorter:

• the music

Yeah I won’t mince words this is one of the best years I’ve ever seen for the hot 100. At least since 2013. Music was just about the only thing people had left to turn to in these dark times, and they really chose some great stuff.

However, as always, there are exceptions. And while the songs on this list aren’t even close to the worst of many previous years, they sure as hell ain’t good. So with that said, let’s begin with-

Number 10

Jason… no… NO!

10. Savage Love- Jason Derulo & Jawsh 685

YE Position: 35

This… this is what every fuckin 10 year old is gonna know Jason Derulo for. I can’t fucking take it.

Where do I even begin? Okay, for starters, this beat is ripped straight from some other song. Laxed Siren Beat or whatever I don’t actually know. And I mean yeah it’s scummy that he stole the beat without permission, but what pisses me off even more is that it ain’t even good. You didn’t even steal something good. This sounds like the ingrown toenail of music. That drop is so pathetic it hurts. And Jason’s never sounded worse. I’ve expressed how much I fucking love this guy before, even on songs like Wiggle he still brings a lot to his performance. Here he sounds like he’s getting repeatedly kicked in the balls. Which is actually a reasonable interpretation of what the song’s about given the lyrics:

Ok, I’m sorry, I know that word’s been overused at this point, but there’s no other way to say it. Jason’s simpin.

But hey, as much as I may view the song as a pathetic comeback from a formerly great artist, it’s certainly catchy and I can sorta see why it shot up the charts all the way to #1 all on its own without any help from, say, a remix featuring an act with a rabid fanbase. No, nothing like that at all.

Number 9

Ever since Old Town Road became the smash hit that it was, it was clear that tiktok would be a domineering force in the music world for a long time to come. And that turned out to be completely correct because when you look at this year end, at least half the songs can be tied to some dance trend. Now hey, I ain’t just gonna say “tiktok bad lol” and call it a day. I loved Old Town Road and still do to this day. This year some great songs got boosts on the app as well. But this right here was the first song that only charted because of tiktok, and it was a sign that it wasn’t all gonna be gay cowboy horse men and cool trippy shit like No Idea. Some of em would just be ass.

9. Roxanne- Arizona Zervas

YE Position: 16

I think it’s fitting that we go straight from a borderline simp song to a borderline incel song. It’s important to remember that tiktoks are like 15 seconds long, so a lot of the songs only have to sound good for 15 seconds. And that’s the case here. That hook, for the first half, is damn solid and perfect for memes.

See? Comedy genius.

But right after we get “she think I’m an asshole, she think I’m a player, she keep runnin back tho, only cause I pay her” and jesus christ that’s the saddest thing ever. Maybe I was wrong maybe you and Derulo are both simps.

Oh yeah right the intro goes “all for the gram. Bitches love the gram. Oh wait shit” why do I get the feeling like he didn’t know the mic was on and only caught it last second. I mean it’s funny, but imagine what else he could’ve been muttering to himself. “These fuckin femoids only wanna sleep with Chad, never give a guy like me a chance.”

“She from Malibu, Malibu. If she ain’t got a foreign then she laugh at you. Malibu, Malibu, spending daddy’s money with an attitude.”

Ok I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you know all this for sure. Like you’ve seen her do this shit. Then what are you doin man? You have so much resentment towards her, you recognize that she’s a bitch, and you still be payin for that pussy?

ARE YOU A SIMP OR NOT!?

Ok, maybe he’s like one of those douchebag pickup artists. If that’s true then he’s really bad at it cause he only gets one girl. But what it boils down to is a smug detached kid who participates in all the same debauchery as this girl Roxanne, and yet still somehow thinks he’s superior. And we already have Blackbear doin that a million times better with actual talent and charisma. Get this guy outta here.

Number 8

Well, this is unfortunate. Hard To Forget by Sam Hunt grew on me. I don’t think it’s good or anything, it’s kind of a mess still, but it’s more just weird rather than awful to me. Now, I still wanted to put at least one country song on the list because I like to get variety in these things and I like talking about country music, the genre’s got a ton of both my favorite and least favorite songs of all time. Like ya got Every Storm by Gary Allan on one side, and fuckin Whisper by Chase Rice on the other. So this year I had a few options. One Of Them Girls by Lee Brice was infuriating to me, but that was really only because it of all things was going to be Brice’s biggest hit of all time over his three other year-end hits, all fantastic songs. I could pretend to hate Chasin You by Morgan Wallen but come on

Can ya really get mad at such an iconic meme? Seriously, this blurry image of Morgan Wallen has been one of my few consistent sources of joy this year.

But anyway, there was also the likes of One Margarita by Luke Bryan, which while I don’t like it, I get why it blew up. People needed some escapism. One Man Band by Old Dominion, meanwhile is in a weird spot for me because it keeps bouncing between insanely boring and kind of sweet. Oh, there’s obviously the fuckin Gabby Barrett song, but I actually like it so forget I said anything. Really, there weren’t any country hits this year I outright disliked…

Well except for one.

So, as much as I hate to do it, we’re going back to my old country punching bag

I think it’s about time we pulled the plug on this man’s career.

8. Got What I Got- Jason Aldean

YE Position: 60

Y’know, with this it’s more than just “bad yeehaw man make bad song”. This is an artistic regression. It wasn’t long ago that he released Rearview Town, the best song of his entire career. And the followup, We Back, yeah it was pretty dumb but it was that fun kind of dumb. This… is You Make It Easy 2: This Time Less Easy To Listen To. It’s a working title, guys.

First the obvious: Jason Aldean is a very passionless singer 9 times out of 10 and this is no exception. No, singing emphatically is not the same as conveying emotion. And whenever he does emphasize the line the guitar gets real loud for a couple seconds, which is not how you do dramatic buildup. Because then at the points where a climactic moment is needed, nothing fucking happens. That guitar solo is ass. Weak shit. When I saw a Jason Aldean song charting, I may have expected it to be a regular old bland type of bad, but I didn’t expect it to be actively hard to listen to.

Just a normal ass love song and you wanna make it a half-assed version of Believer by Imagine Dragons.

“When I got what I got I don’t miss what I had”

So yeah obviously you’re happy with your new wife, probably just for her toes. I know Jason ain’t interested in anything but the toes, if his 2012 hit Take A Little Ride is any indication he’s a fucking toe fanatic.

This is what he looks like when he sees a toe. It’s legit terrifying.

Also, in that music video… those are his kids from his first wife, but that ain’t his first wife there with em. Imagine being Jason Aldean’s 4 year old, you see him every other weekend, and he makes you participate in a music video with some woman you barely know. It would be hard enough just knowing Jason Aldean was your dad, honestly. Like which DNA strand made his neck disappear, and did it get passed down?

This man won Artist Of The Decade at the CMAs. Over literally anybody else, they chose him. The soul-draining force of country radio. Those awards were never actually about talent, were they?

Number 7

Nicki Minaj has the worst twitter fanbase, and that’s including the entire genre of kpop.

Some context for why I’m even talking about them: because of covid, songs were getting less points on each weekly hot 100 throughout the year, making getting to #1 laughably easy. BTS got 2 (if you count the Savage Love remix), Ariana got 2 debuts at #1, Travis Scott managed a couple too- and except for that last one, these songs were astroturfed to the top by stans. Nicki Minaj got not 1, but 2 number 1 hits this year through that very method. One was Trollz with 6ix9ine, which hilariously plummeted off the charts in just 3 weeks afterwards.

And the other was on the remix of Say So with Doja Cat.

Now, the remix didn’t end up counting on the year-end hot 100, and thus it’s ineligible for the list. And with Say So being one of the most controversial hits of the year, let me just say that even if the remix was eligible, Say So would not appear on either my worst or best list. It’s just a song that exists. Ultimately harmless pop radio filler for the summer.

Doja Cat’s other hit this year, I don’t know who the hell it was for.

7. Juicy- Doja Cat ft. Tyga

YE Position: 87

I think at this point half the goal of these lists is to get the best fakeout of the year. Hope that led some of y’all down a path of deception.

But look, say what you want about Say So, at least it’s tryna be sexy and pulls it off. It’s got those warm seductive tones. This? Who the fuck is getting horny for this? Maybe if you’re that guy who gets kicked out of the grocery store for humping the fruit, but even then you’d need the music video.

The song opens with the manic haunted-house sounding piano, which already fucks the mood way up.

That ass do be kinda fat doe. But why you switchin from the first to third person one line apart? Does someone else keep that booty while you just keep it juicy? The fuck did I just type.

The verses ain’t much better.

“He like the doja with the cat”

Ok yeah it’s a pun on your name, cat’s your pussy, but what the fuck is a doja by itself?

“He like it thick he like it fat”

Wait the pussy or the ass? This has all been about the ass but that last line’s throwin me off a little.

Come on guys. How’d that get past proofreading?

“Broke a fingernail and then some”

Jesus, that’s painful. Why would you say this.

“Can’t trust a big butt and a gemini”

Guess not.

I don’t care about this astrology shit bruh it’s all fake.

But regardless, the charting version was the remix. With Tyga. Mr “She a big girl when she stimulated”, back at it again.

“I’m a big dog tryna eat the kitty cat”

Yknow I’m just disappointed. You’re Tyga, as in tiger. That’s a big cat the wordplay is right in front of you and you FUCK-

“I love when you give in, I love when you don’t”

Now see, that’s just- that’s just awful.

In some ways I kinda have to be glad Say So came along when it did, because this thing got pushed right the fuck out of everybody’s memories. I would’ve preferred Like That to be her big hit, but I guess the public was already done with her by that point. How did the woman who made “Moo!” end up with such a sad mainstream career?

…of course. Pop Music Enemy #1

Number 6

.

6. Memories- Maroon 5

YE Position: 8

Yknow I’ve been at this for a while now. I’m gonna take a quick break okay? Use the bathroom, get a drink of water that kind of stuff. Be right back.

Number 5

Ah, the saga continues

5. You Should Be Sad- Halsey

YE Position: 82

I know I’ve come down hard on Halsey in the past, but I can honestly say I don’t hate her. She’s more a mixed bag- haha get it because she’s mixed? That wasn’t intentional. Hey, did yknow that Halsey can say the n word? That’s somethin to keep you up at night. But ok, let’s even put aside her work as a guest vocalist which is quite honestly fantastic across the board. Her followup to Without Me, Nightmare, unironically goes hard as shit. Then came Graveyard, which I won’t lie creeps me the fuck out. That song makes me feel like I’m bouta get jumpscared. Then she released this… absolute beauty of a trainwreck.

I was actually conflicted in putting this on the list. Like most of these are songs that are just horrible to sit through, and this isn’t exactly that. This song is, truly, an experience. Not a good one, but an experience nonetheless.

I do have one good thing to say about it though: it’s not nearly as bad as Without Me. With that song, Halsey came off as the abusive one and made G-Eazy of all people look sympathetic. Here, she’s not really being manipulative. Though the claim that she’s “got no anger” rings pretty hollow as the song progresses.

First thing she says regarding Gerald (by the way, it’s been nearly two fuckin years at this point just drop it), is “you’re not half the man you think that you are, and you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money drugs and cars.”

Yknow I bet I could fill G-Eazy’s hole

I mean damn, just look at him!

…Okay all that aside, so far so good. Although calling G-Eazy hollow on the inside does harken back to Without Me, and it shows that Halsey still kinda views herself as some sort of savior who tried so hard but failed to fix him. And like, come on. Also until just now I thought she said “money trucks and cars” and I do think that’d be a much funnier lyric.

“I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you, cause you can’t love nothin unless there’s somethin in it for you”

Putting aside the fact that assuming someone would never love their child is pretty harsh, there would be something in it for him. Kids do get the media more invested in you.

Then the chorus hits with absolutely no buildup, and it’s obviously being sarcastic lyric-wise, but can we talk about that canned airhorn? What did that add? Seriously you have that acoustic folksy strumming and then suddenly you’re at the football game. But she says some more things about how she tried to help and he just wouldn’t listen, carrying that shit even further. But then she describes how she made it out, ran away and that’s all great I’m happy for her… but she’s clearly not out of it if she’s still writing songs about it two years later.

Then the weird line she chose for the mic-drop “won’t see your alligator tears cause I know I’ve had enough of them”, and… alligator!? The expression is crocodile. There is no reason to change it to alligator outside of, maybe to fit the yeehaw vibe you’re half leaning into but really not doing anything with.

Then… heavy rock guitar solo. And ok, it sounds kinda cool even if I swear I’ve heard this exact same one a million times before on other songs. But here’s the thing… it never comes back. It peaked the song at the end of the first verse. You blew your load too early Halsey goddammit! After that the song just feels like it’s limping along you can’t pull this kinda shit. The second verse sounds the same as the first, but it opens with

“Take a broken man right in my hands and then put back all his parts”

Ok. No. No no no no no no no. I was bein charitable up until this point but fuck you. I ain’t even wanna continue this segment, I touched on everything I wanted to anyway. The moral of the story is, Halsey, take what you’re doing on guest verses and bring that to your solo work. I think the results’ll be pretty promising.

Number 4

2020 has been a miserable year, I understand. Makes you long for just about any previous year. Even 2016, the old “worst year ever” gets viewed through rose-tinted glasses these days. But let’s get something straight: just because you’re nostalgic for 2016 does not mean we have to revive that year’s musical trends, especially not those fucking awful ballads that were everywhere back then. But when combined with some vaguely topical lyrics, one such song just happened to blow up. And I can’t stand it.

4. If The World Was Ending- JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels

YE Position: 56

I mean come on, JP Saxe even sounds like the name of some throwaway acoustic one-hit wonder. James Bay, James Arthur, James P Saxe- Ok I don’t know if James is his name, but he’s an honorary member of the shitty James club. I just don’t like the way this guy sings. He sounds like a timid bleating goat. And he tries to do the thing where he crams syllables too. You might expect me to really tear into the last chorus where he goes into his high register, but no it actually sounds kinda better. There’s only one thing he does that I kinda like, and it’s the “if the world was ending you’d come over right? …right?” that’s a nice touch.

And Julia Michaels… doesn’t fix anything. It’s not that her voice can’t work, it’s that she always sings in these unflattering tones that emphasize and isolate the breathiness. Her part makes me feel like my throat’s closing up. Her voice could only work for more bizarre experimental music, which is why I actually don’t mind Uh Huh- her failed follow-up to Issues- as much as nearly everyone else. It’s just pure insanity. Here though, like with Issues, she’s going for restraint and isn’t backed up by wild production, so it just doesn’t sound pleasant at all.

The production I’m not so repulsed by, it’s just boring. Yeah yeah, you got the whiteboy guitar, you got the piano, sad music, we get ya. What is a little off is the songwriting. Which is weird since both of these people are professional songwriters and they had full control of both the narrative and execution from the start.

“I was distracted, and in traffic. I didn’t feel it when the earthquake happened.”

Now this is what I don’t understand about this song’s success during quarantine. With others like Supalonely or Death Bed you can project onto it, but nah this one spells out what the disaster event is. Kinda throws you off from the start. Whatever. That’s not too important.

So naturally, as soon as Saxe finds out there was an earthquake (so small that he didn’t even feel it), he starts wondering where his-

Actually I’m not clear of the relationship here.

“Oh it’s been a year now”

Okay. She’s your ex… and she has been for a whole year? Jesus christ move on, man. She probably isn’t thinking of y-

What? She’s even less moved on than you? Fuckin hell this song gave me something to be sad about completely by accident.

So you both know you’re not meant for each other, but during an apocalypse you’d… get back together? I- what? What kinda relationship is that? Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe this is super fuckin realistic and romantic. But I doubt it. I really doubt it.

But I’m honestly really confused as to why this became a hit. Yeah ok, radio astroturfed it up the charts after the tiktok hype went nowhere, but I don’t recall ever hearing this on the radio either. Like I get it, it’s a big country and people each have their own tastes, but I can’t imagine the person who listens to this on repeat. Even the songs further up the list, I at least can kinda see why people would choose to listen to them, but not with this.

Number 3

…Dammit.

I ended up with the most predictable top 3 imaginable. If you know me at all, you know what three songs are coming next, and a lot of you could probably guess the order too. All three had tiktok popularity, two of them blew up during quarantine, and one of them was upbeat.

And that one’s up first. Take it away, Surfaces!

3. Sunday Best- Surfaces

YE Position: 61

Okay, I feel like I shouldn’t even have to stay anything. It’s Sunday Best by Surfaces, for fuck’s sake. But let’s start from the top. This is Surfaces, a group I know nothing about and after this song I really don’t want to. Like the singing one sounds like complete ass. He couldn’t carry a tune to save his life. This beat came straight from hell, too. There’s that burbling bass, the gang vocals, the snare, the goddamn cowbell, the I-don’t-even-know-what-else. All these sounds clash together in an almost nauseating way. It’s like eating six hot dogs and then chugging a milkshake it just leaves you suffering.

But what I really hate about the song is it’s tryna pass itself as this motivational anthem and it’s sung by these two fratboy douches. Maybe I’m being overly presumptuous here, but I get the sense that these guys were born into immense privilege. Yeah sure, it’ll all be fine because your lawyer dad’s gonna bail you out. Must feel good, huh? They sound like they’d tell a homeless guy “hey dude, why don’t you just buy a house?” They’re the types to put “blm” in their bio and think that’s peak activism. Well, that or they’d be the “all lives matter” types I’m torn between the two. The line that just shows it is “and I just say whatever cause there is no way around it”. They don’t care. They ain’t give two fucks about people dealing with real shit. In conclusion, both these dicks should bend over backwards and eat their own assholes. Okay moving on.

Number 2

From the moment I first heard this song, I knew it was destined to top my worst list.

I mean, I turned out to be wrong, it’s only #2, but I was in the right ballpark.

2. Falling- Trevor Daniel

YE Position: 22

This song is honestly kinda breathtaking. It should forever be preserved as the guide for how not to make a song. I mean you start with that eerie plucking of the strings which sounds decent enough, it could build to something kinda c- nope. I’ll be honest, I don’t know shit about singing or vocal technique or whatever the fuck but I’m pretty sure Trevor’s doing it wrong here. Like let’s look at the words he’s stressing “come closer I’ll give you all my love, if you treat me right baby I’ll give you everything. I’m not even pointing out how none of it rhymes because hey, maybe that’s a stylistic choice to make it feel more spur-of-the-moment, from the heart or something. But these ups-and-downs in his singing don’t feel orderly they feel sporadic and not in a good way. Then he hits you with the “TALK TO MEEEEE” and I lose any charitability I was giving to this song. And before you say “that’s just his style” why does his belting sound completely fine on songs like Past Life?

Then he drops into a verse where the dark, moody instrumental is replaced with a bland trap beat and he starts singin a little faster. Here he actually tries to rhyme, and the results are… a mixed bag. Still, this verse is bland but it’s whatever. Kind of a little break for your ears before you get hit with the worst moment in music all year.

THE BRIDGE. This goddamn bridge makes me so mad. He recorded this and then decided “I wanna pitch-shift my voice. Up or down? How about BOTH AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.” And two don’t harmonize in the slightest, it’s like he didn’t even try. All you get is the low vocals dominating and the high vocals being like a little needle poking at your ear. It’s so fucking painful I swear to god. Then the chorus again, then the outro just takes all the worst elements of the song and smashes them together. Bad vocal mixing and layering? Check. Confused production that can’t choose a damn mood? Check. Messed up narrative? Che- oh wait I haven’t even talked about the song’s lyrical content.

Big surprise, the songwriting’s all over the place. Let’s go through some lines to illustrate my point

“My last made me feel like I would never try again, but when I saw you I felt something I never felt”

Ok, he’s been treated bad by his ex, but this new girl’s hittin different.

“come closer, I’ll give you all my love”

“Come closer”? Ok, I can presume now that you just met this girl in which case… that’s an atrocious pickup line man. “Hey baby, get on over here and I’ll give you my lovin”. I know that’s not how it’s supposed to be interpreted but this is what happens when you leave things murky.

Speaking of big ass holes:

There’s nothing between these except the chorus. The connective tissue is just missing. The whole song was building up to like this fresh start, which, by the way, didn’t fit the music at all. It sounds like a song about your dog dying or some shit. But the outro comes in and says “well, that failed too. I’m back to hating my life.” And while that does resolve the tonal dissonance, it opens up new problems. Like, what happened? The outro, I can only assume, is in the future, but everything up until that point was set in a single moment. You can’t just change up the story at the very end of the song. It was all one internal monologue until it… became another? It just doesn’t work and I just… I just fuckin hate this song dude. Certainly the type of thing that could top one of my lists, maybe it should have- but it didn’t. And I’m gonna have to relax before getting into what actually beat it out so let’s look at the dishonorable mentions- songs that are fine aside from a couple negative qualities, or ones that are bad, just not bad enough to make a list like this. Think of it like if all these bad songs are tumors on the year-end, these are the benign ones.

DHM. Dance Monkey- Tones And I

YE Position: 14

This song would be perfectly serviceable if it weren’t for that fucking voice

DHM. Intentions- Justin Bieber ft. Quavo

YE Position: 17

It was between this and Savage Love for #10, but hey, at least this didn’t disappoint me.

And before you ask, no, Yummy will not be #1 on this list.

DHM. Yummy- Justin Bieber

YE Position: 58

Hey, I didn’t say it was any good either. What can I even say it’s fucking Yummy by Justin Bieber you know why this is ass.

DHM. Suicidal- YNW Melly ft. Juice WRLD (RIP)

YE Position: 75

This song would have been a solid top 3 contender, and it was for quite a while.

Then the remix came along and complicated everything.

Just for the record, Juice WRLD’s part on this song is fine. It’s not his best, and the fact that it exists at all is in a moral gray area, but I’m not going to shit on him.

Because just about everything I hate about this song was Melly’s doing.

Putting aside the fact that he’s literally killed people, he’s a pretty hit or miss artist for me- and I mean that in the most extreme way possible. Murder On My Mind is a fantastic, haunting piece of music. Mixed Personalities is a rancid mess. 223s was pure fun. Suicidal is… I mean I’ll give it this, it certainly sounds like how suicidal thoughts feel. Melly’s crooning just doesn’t work, and the production offers no reprieve. I’d rather just leave this one alone.

DHM. Sum 2 Prove- Lil Baby

YE Position: 79

I’m really stretching with some of these. This song is perfectly passable. But with how great Lil Baby got out of nowhere this year, Sum 2 Prove just sticks out like a sore thumb.

DHM. Best On Earth- Russ ft. Bia

YE Position: 101(?)

This one just missed the year-end and thank god for that. 2020 will be remembered for so many awful events, but at least it won’t be remembered as the year Russ got a year end hit.

DHM. Only Human- Jonas Brothers

YE Position: 77

Yes, I’m aware this made the year-end last year, and I put it on that year’s worst list, but this one’s only gotten worse with time. If I remade that list today, it would probably be #1. Seriously, it has everything that made Blurred Lines so abhorrent cranked up to 11. The weak ass horn melody sounds like it just got done running a 5k,

the atrocious vocal mixing, and of course, the rapey lyrics.

“Oh, babe, you can’t fool me, your body’s got other plans
So stop pretending you’re shy, just come on and
Dance, dance, dance, dance, oh”

Break out the pudding pops, because we’re on that Cosby shit now.

DHM. All I Want For Christmas Is You- Mariah Carey

YE Position: 67

This one’s in gray because I don’t hate it. How could I it’s great? But this type of music really doesn’t belong on a year-end list. Holiday songs should go back to having their own chart because otherwise they’ll just keep taking year-end spots from new songs that deserve it way more.

DHM. Pop Star- DJ Khaled ft. Drake

YE Position: 66

Yo I don’t care.

DHM. Supalonely- Benee ft. Gus Dapperton

YE Position: 84

This song’s actually perfectly fine for the most part, only reason it made the list is because of… Gus Dapperton? Ok sure whatever. What’s so bad about his verse? Well for starters, his name is Gus Dapperton. Second of all, he’s drenched in autotune and unlike with Benee, it doesn’t add any personality to his voice. I really get the impression that he recorded a verse and it sounded so bad the producers were like “oh god we gotta drown this shit. Give him the autotune. All of it.” But to be absolutely fair to him, he doesn’t take up too much space and, well, he’s not the worst whiteboy “rapper” to get a hit through tiktok this year. Right, where were we? Oh, number 1.

Number 1

Look, it really came down to the wire between this and Falling. But while Falling is a disaster on every level, I can’t say I don’t respect it. And that, I don’t mean hold it in any esteem, it’s the baseline respect I have for any creative ambition. My number 1 though? I don’t believe a bit of motivation went into it beyond a desire to get instagram famous. It’s someone’s shitty wattpad fanfiction brought to music. It is your shitty tumblr blog from when you were 12. It is the sentence “I’m 14 and this is deep”. It is

Powfu.

1. Death Bed- Powfu ft. Beabadoobee

YE Position: 43

Listen, I know a lot of people like this one and that’s totally fine (you might wanna click away though, just a warning), but there was not a single hit this year that pissed me off as much as this one. Why is that? Well, unfortunately I don’t have a 10-page rant like with Te Bote from 2018. The best way to say it is this is the least talented song to touch the hot 100 in a very long time.

What do I mean there? Well first let’s look at our main performer. No not the girl on the hook, this random ass dude, Powfu. He might just be the worst rapper I’ve ever heard. This is gnash-tier levels of shitty white boy rap. Y’know what I can hardly even call this rap, he’s just speaking in a semi-rhythmic cadence. He sounds like the guy who’s like “rapping is just talking right? Yeah I can do that.”

The hook is the most tolerable part of the song, even it got completely butchered from the original and the sample wasn’t even cleared (which is why this song didn’t blow up for about a year), but enough about that.

Let’s look at why he chose this sample:

That is hands down the dumbest-

Okay, lemme back up here. First, I mean, Todd’s interpretation of this song’s meaning was way too charitable. He assumed Powfu, as a songwriter, had even a single clue what the fuck he was doing.

This motherfucker heard Beabadoobee’s “Coffee”- a song which is actually about her partner going through mental health problems and her trying to help them cope, but all that went right over this dude’s head and he was like “oh, the dude’s sleeping. Dying is like sleeping for a long time. I should make a song where instead of sleep, it’s death.” Wow, Powfu, really taking symbolism into uncharted territory, huh? This is the kind of metaphor a 10-year-old who’s only ever heard Simple Plan songs would do for their creative writing unit or whatever the fuck. And probably get an F for, too.

Then there’s Powfu’s own lyrical contributions, which are for the most part just forgettable. Although he falls into the trap of being overly descriptive on the wrong details to the detriment of the narrative as a whole. Take a look at this:

“Cuddle in the sheets, sang me sound asleep, and sneak out through your kitchen at exactly 1:03”

The quirky detail at the end actually fucks up a serviceable lyric because either she didn’t sing you to sleep and you snuck out, or she snuck out of her own house for… some reason.

Look, at the end of the day I do still get why this song might have resonated with some people, especially in times like these, but I just end up feeling insulted that this song got long-lasting stability while so many talented artists fell short of the year-end. That pretty much wraps things up, I’ll probably have a best list out eventually and I’m genuinely excited to talk about all the great music we got this year. See ya.