Fuck it, I’ve got time, let’s do this.
2020. Sucks. In terms of pretty much everything except music. Musically, this has been the best year in ages- probably since 2013. There’s just so many legitimately great songs on the charts right now. And I’m not talking 2019 great, where there’s just like 40 very good songs with only maybe 5 of them standing out. Oh right, I forgot to do a best list for 2019. Fuck. Here it is:
- Pure Water- Mustard & Migos
- Breathin- Ariana Grande
- Circles- Post Malone
- Murder On My Mind- YNW Melly
- Bad Guy- Billie Eilish
- Panini- Lil Nas X
- A Lot- 21 Savage ft. J Cole
- How Do You Sleep?- Sam Smith
- Good As You- Kane Brown
- Suge- DaBaby
Anyway, where was I? Oh right current year. Look, we’re in the midst a pandemic. Bernie dropped out. Things just straight up aren’t fun anymore. All I’ve got right now is my book (probably coming by the end of the summer, depends on how much motivation I can scrape together) and this blog I never use. So let’s talk about some good songs!
…oh right, we have to get through the bad and mediocre stuff first.
20. Memories- Maroon 5
Three decades of Maroon 5. Three fucking decades. I just- there’s nothing to say. This is just a nothing piece of music. I can’t. I mean, at some point this december I’ll have to, but… just get this away from me. Not the worst song I’ve heard all year (Trevor Daniel’s ‘Falling’ exists, after all), but… what’s number 19? Let’s talk about that instead
19. Intentions- Justin Bieber ft. Quavo
I mean, it’s better than Yummy, for what that’s worth. But is it? Is it really? I mean yeah but they’re pretty much the same song. The only difference is Yummy is an interesting almost funny kind of bad, while Intentions is just boring. Even the guest verse from Quavo just goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve come around on Migos lately, but Quavo’s always been the weakest member. Oh well. I hope the charity music video helped someone, at least.
18. Roxanne- Arizona Zervas
Ok, I’ll admit: this one’s fun for the first 15 seconds. Probably why it blew up on an app for 15 second videos. Like yeah the chorus is fun, catchy, and then the verses hit and then you realize “hey, this guy’s a dick.” The lyrics are basically just slutshaming some girl while at the same time desperately wanting to hook up with her, even going so far as to pay her. What a pathetic story this is. New Mexico Cervix here probably unironically refers to women as “females”. The only consolation is this fratboy Post Malone knockoff won’t see any success beyond this one meme song. I’d better stop talking shit about him now or else he’ll get his dad to sue me or somethin.
Well guys, it finally happened. Drake has done a “how do you do, fellow kids” moment.
17. Toosie Slide- Drake
Even at his worst- his most lazy, his most unlikeable, his most obnoxious, I don’t think I could ever call Drake pandering. Here though, it’s obvious. He tried to make his own tiktok dance- the Toosie Slide. Not to be confused with Futsal Shuffle by Lil Uzi- an actually good song that deserved to be much bigger than it was. I say “tried to” because the toosie slide hasn’t taken off. Tiktok didn’t want it. And these are the same people who made Falling by Trevor Daniel a thing. I mean the most memorable part of the song is the “I can dance like Michael Jack-
-son” and that’s only because of the long awkward pause. Close second is “got so many opps I be mistakin opps for other opps.” Also I like to think Drake just wears a ski mask around the house all the time just to feel tougher.
16. Say So- Doja Cat
This is one of those songs I like less and less the more I hear it. It’s really sad that a vocalist as interesting and unique as Doja Cat only started notching hits after teaming up with Professional Piece Of Shit Dr Luke. And I’d argue even putting aside his horrible treatment of other female artists, he still drags this song down. There’s been a lot of songs using this throwback sound lately, and this one does it the worst. It’s just this flavorless haze that weighs the rest of the song down. Doja Cat’s trying on the second verse, at least, but other than that… yeah not much to offer.
And speaking of talented female rappers wasting their potential-
15. Savage- Megan Thee Stallion
B.I.T.C.H deserved this song’s success. Now that’s a fuckin anthem and a half. Savage, however? It’s fine. Megan still has a ton of personality and her flow’s fine enough, but the production lets it all down. That weak little beat that doesn’t go anywhere can’t carry Megan properly. Let’s get a tiktok challenge going for one of her other songs, please.
Yeah, only six songs in and we’ve already reached the good stuff.
14. My Oh My- Camila Cabello ft. DaBaby
DaBaby saves everything. Ok not quite, but that’s kinda true here. Not only is his verse catchy as hell, but it’s also respectful to women. Camila’s not bad here either. She’s doing that playful innocent act, and she does that well. This song just keeps getting better for me, and it would be great tier if not for the mixing on those “my oh my”s. Those could have been integrated better.
13. Blueberry Faygo- Lil Mosey
Well this came out of nowhere.
I had this in the great tier at first, but something about it just keeps it from getting there. And that’s probably Lil Mosey. Now I actually like this guy, but this isn’t a beat that works for him specifically. Don’t get me wrong, it still sounds fantastic, but he’s not riding it very well. Either way, this is still a chill fun song that’ll probably be a huge summer hit.
12. Don’t Start Now- Dua Lipa
Oh thank god I finally like a Dua Lipa song. It was so awkward disliking New Rules while everyone else was gushing over it and I’m very glad that scenario isn’t repeating itself here. Good bass, good vocals, good melodies, it’s just solid.
11. Someone You Loved- Lewis Capaldi
Yeah screw yall I still really like this song. Ya gotta respect a piano ballad that goes for a vibe this bleak. Everybody hates on the bridge, but I think it ties the whole experience together. That experience of course being crushing hopelessness and despair. Fun stuff.
Ok, and now we’ve reached the songs that are so great they could make my best of the year list, so I’ll keep my thoughts on each one brief.
10. Life Is Good- Future ft. Drake
I’ve debated this one for a long time, since it’s very clearly two completely different songs smashed together carelessly. With that said, both songs are good. Drake is playing into that darker style that worked on songs like Nonstop and Money In The Grave, and Future’s just having a blast. Let him have his fun. Woo!
9. Adore You- Harry Styles
Really solid pop rock song. Don’t know what else to even say.
8. Heartless- The Weeknd
Blinding Lights is getting all the love right now, but let’s not forget about this banger. This is just Abel cruising in his comfort zone- dark energetic trap beat and lots of hedonism. Never change.
7. I Hope- Gabby Barrett
Wait what!? How did this get in here? I mean I predicted it would be big, but not this big. Definitely not complaining, though. It’s pretty great to see a new female country artist get this much traction, even if it took over a year to get there. This one definitely borrows from Carrie Underwood’s early revenge fantasy songs, and I’d say it does it better than most of those songs did.
Oh yeah there’s also a Charlie Puth remix. It’s exactly as good as the original. Doesn’t add, doesn’t detract.
6. The Bones- Maren Morris
Holy shit there’s two female country songs in the top 20. That’s basically unheard of. Granted, this one’s more of an adult-contemporary radio fodder ballad, but it’s very good at that role so I’m not complaining.
5. Circles- Post Malone
Still great after all these months. Get that top 10 record, king. You earned it.
4. Blinding Lights- The Weeknd
Don’t get all mad at me for only putting this at number 4, it’s still a 10/10. Like what is there even to say? Everyone loves this song right? This is my shit whenever I’m driving. Took a while for it to gain traction, but I’m glad it did. And it even hit number 1 before Drake came on with his mediocre garbage. That’s cool.
…ok now you can be mad.
3. Hot Girl Bummer- Blackbear
Ok first of all, I’ve never viewed this song as sexist. Aside from the “emo chick” line maybe, there’s nothing to that argument. I’ve always seen it as more of a general “fuck you” to the world. And in times like these, a song filled with such contempt really is needed. And also it sounds perfect.
2. The Box- Roddy Ricch
Ee Ur, bitch. Also easily the best #1 hit in years no that’s not open to debate. It’s so refreshing to see a song as active as this one, constantly evolving, Roddy switches between so many flows and they all sound amazing. I won’t get into the lyrics right now, I’ll just say they’re great. The full essay on why this song’s a masterpiece will be available this December.
So what the hell topped it?
1. Everything I Wanted- Billie Eilish
I won’t lie, this has already become one of my all-time favorite songs. I’ve already spoiled the number 1 on my best list, but I don’t really care. I don’t think Billie will ever come close to this again, and that’s completely ok. This really is something special.
This week totals up to a… 74 out of 100. Wow. That’s just insane. Good job in one category at least, 2020. Keep this up and drop everything else. We’ve suffered enough.