So, 2018 was a year.

 

    Look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I hated this year like most other music critics will? Well, I didn’t hate 2018. Considering how much I hated 2016 and 2017, I was honestly pleasantly surprised at what we got this year, even if most of it wasn’t all that memorable. In a strange way, I actually enjoyed putting this list together a lot less than last year’s. With 2017, I could go on for days about everything wrong with songs like Look What You Made Me Do, Bad Things, Tunnel Vision, Look At Me, and so many more.

 

    This year, we just didn’t get songs that inspired that kind of rage in me. Well, okay, we DID get a few of them (which we’ll be getting to later, obviously), but as a whole 2018 felt a lot less interesting than past years. Still, there still were some definite low points (a good portion of which came from criminal scumbags who don’t deserve any of the attention they got), and that’s what we’re going to be talking about today. Starting off with some DIShonorable mentions.

 

DHM. In My Feelings- Drake

YE Position: 9

    I could’ve gone with I’m Upset to represent the worst of Drake as a lead artist in 2018, but this uninspired piece of crap got on my nerves more than that song ever could. A song that copies the most memorable parts of Drake’s two previous smash hits- God’s Plan and Nice For What-, but ends up as a worse product because of that. The single verse takes the melody from the “She say do you love me” part of God’s Plan without realizing that what made that so memorable were the lyrics and not the vocal melody. And while the breakdown in Nice For What was energetic, bouncy & fun, the breakdown here sounds like it’s tripping over itself. The only passable part is the City Girls sample, but even that is dragged down by the plodding, stale production. Why did this get big?

 

Oh right, dance challenge. And speaking of songs that only became hits off virality…

 

DHM. Gucci Gang- Lil Pump

YE Position: 44

      In hindsight, I think we all overreacted as to how bad this song is. The production is… fine, if a little boring, and for better or for worse, these lines are memorable. No, my issue lies more with Lil Pump himself. Throughout 2018, he’s shown that he has some actual rapping talent, which makes his lazy, sedated tone and flow on this song even more insulting.

    And the hook… look, I don’t have a problem with repetition in hooks. If I did I would have to hate almost every song in existence. But I have to draw the line somewhere. 

 

DHM. Youngblood- 5 Seconds of Summer

YE Position: 36

     Oh boy, this can’t be a popular opinion.

     But I’m sorry, I’ve hated this song ever since it first charted, and it all comes down to that hook. That. Terrible. Hook. I really don’t understand how everyone can shit on Believer, but think this is okay. It has almost  the exact same problems- screeching vocals on the chorus with instrumentation that fails to carry any of the power needed to make it work, and verses that sound tolerable, but don’t build up to the hook at all, which just makes the chorus sound even more painful and out of place. And then they add this loud, abrasive, atonal synth in the final chorus to cap things off. Just lovely. Still, I admit I was overreacting when I called this the worst song in the Top 30 back in August. I can at least respect the mood this song was going for, even if it misfired completely, and like I said, the verses are fine. But I can’t give this a pass.

DHM. You Make It Easy- Jason Aldean

YE Position: 70

        2018 was an amazing year for country music, both in popularity and quality, so I guess we had to have at least one dud to even things out. Meant To Be and Get Along aren’t very good either, but Get Along’s only real crime is being painfully corny, and Meant To Be isn’t really a country song.

        Jason Aldean must’ve had a lot of faith in You Make It Easy, as he was able to promote it enough to get it to debut at 28 on the hot 100 after three years of underperforming singles. He then went on to give it not one, not two, but THREE music videos, and it was all for this song. This song that completely falls flat at being romantic, with its passionless vocals and sludgy production that tries to blend country and r&b and… well, at least I can say it worked better here than on Burnin It Down? This song might not be the worst, and in another year this would be off the list entirely, but like I said, in a year this great for country music, I have no use for this.

 

DHM. Lights Down Low- Max ft. Gnash

YE Position: 66

I really don’t get this song. And I don’t mean I don’t get its appeal, I mean I don’t get why it is the way it is. It starts off as a simple acoustic ballad, kind of boring, but nothing all that bad. Then we get Gnash’s verse. Then these massive heavy synths and thunderous drums come in. Then Max is belting these standard romantic lines at the top of his lungs, and by the end I just don’t know what the hell I listened to. I can’t even bring myself to put this on the list proper, it’s just too bizarre for me to actually hate it.

 

DHM. IDGAF- Dua Lipa

YE Position: 98

      I didn’t want to put Dua Lipa on the worst list. She’s a pretty good singer who has made some good stuff, but I was never a fan of New Rules and her minor follow-up hit was even worse, with its stiff production and stilted vocal melody. And while New Rules approached the breakup portrayed in a fairly unique way, IDGAF is more of a basic kiss-off anthem. And that’s not a bad thing, the lyrics actually save the song slightly, but it’s not enough for me to give this pass.

 

DHM. Sad!/Moonlight/Changes- XXXTentacion

YE Positions: 17/88/94

     I’m not going to be talking about XXXTentacion as a person. It’s beating a dead horse at this point (hehe, get it? Dead horse? Because he’s… nevermind.)

Instead, let’s look at his three year-end hits on their own merits.

 

Let’s start with Sad! The big one. The production actually isn’t that bad, but the lyrics. “Suicide if you ever try to let go” is one of the absolute worst things you can say to your romantic partner. You’re emotionally blackmailing them into staying with you, while also indirectly promoting the idea that suicidal people are “selfish” and “just looking for attention”. The rest of the lyrics aren’t much better, but that one line single-handedly destroys any defense I might have made for this song.

 

Then there’s Moonlight, the worst of the three, at least on a musical level. The synth loop is too jumpy and awkward to sound appealing, and the percussion speeds up at the end of each line, almost like it’s tripping over itself. At some points, you can barely even hear X over this mess of a beat, which might be a good thing, because he sounds half-asleep as he slurs almost every word on the verses. Why was this one of the ones that stuck around after his death?

 

And finally we have Changes, the best one. That’s not saying anything. For what it’s worth, the singing is actually pretty nice, even if X sounds identical to P&B Rock. As for the lyrics, well… I can kind of get the sentiment, but the idea is never expanded upon, so we have no idea how this girl changed. And that’s part of the main reason this song fails- nothing is fleshed out. The production is just a few piano notes over and over, and no details are given. If this was a fully developed song, I might’ve liked it. But as it is, I can’t get anything out of it.

 

Really, I should be grateful that these were the X songs to become hits. None of them even come close to the level of awful that was Look At Me, my #1 worst hit song of last year. And then there was his collab with Kodak Black, Roll In Peace, which mercifully got caught between years. If that song had even a slight chance of making the year end, it would’ve likely topped this list, or at least be a close second. Fuck that song and everything it stands for.

 

Ok, I got a little off topic there. Anyway, in summary, XXXTentacleporn sucked. Next!

 

DHM. Girls Like You- Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B

YE Position: 10

It finally looked like Maroon 5 was fading out, but then they released this and got possibly their biggest hit to date thanks to an exploitative music video, a huge radio push, and the remix with Cardi B. And I would be fine with all of that if the song was good. But as you can probably tell, I don’t consider this song good.

And it’s not like the song has any outwardly bad qualities. It’s that it doesn’t have any outwardly good qualities either. Adam Levine obviously doesn’t give a shit, he doesn’t even use his famous death screech- I mean falsetto. The production feels too stiff and rigid, and I’ll at least give Cardi B credit for trying to liven the song up on her verse, she even manages to slip in a line referencing masturbation- but it’s not enough. And if this ends up as a bigger hit than Moves Like Jagger and Makes Me Wonder by the end of its run, I’ll be very disappointed.

 

DHM. Taste- Tyga ft. Offset

YE Position: 28

It’s bad enough that we let one pedophile have hits this year (oh, we’ll get to him on the list proper), but we just had to bring back this guy, who last time we heard from him was having sex with a 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. Good year for sex offenders, I guess.

I know a lot of people like this song on a musical level, so let me clarify that this song is not on this list solely because of Tyga being a shit person. The vocal sample in the production makes my skin crawl, and even if Tyga’s flow is technically solid, he adds zero charisma and engagement to anything he says. At least Offset’s guest verse is decent, but the lyrics.

“I stick to your bitch like a spray tan”

“I’m the black JB the way these bitches scream”

“She gon suck me like a fuckin hi-C”

 

I’ll just let these speak for themselves and move on.

 

DHM. Outside Today- Youngboy NBA

YE Position: 91

    My rule is, I try separate the art from the artist, unless the actions of said artist are referenced within the song. And here, well…

 

“Just bought a pet monkey, cashed out on a tiger”

The tiger referenced here is a tiger cub that was seized by state authorities after it showed up with signs of abuse and neglect.

 

“Imma take you to trail, pray to lord I beat the case”

    Youngboy NBA was convicted of assault and kidnapping early this year. He did not beat the case.

    But y’know what? I probably could’ve overlooked those. I can’t, however, overlook Youngboy’s painfully nasal voice and the sloppily structured verse. You likely forgot this song existed, and so will I in about a month.

 

DHM. Believer/Mi Gente- Imagine Dragons/J Balvin & Willy William

YE Position: 99/100

    Two of the worst songs of last year scraped onto the bottom of this year-end because WHY THE FUCK NOT!?

 

   Alright, let’s begin the list proper, starting off with-

Number 10

     I wouldn’t say this song is that awful.  I almost left it as an honorable mention even. It’s just that when you rip yourself off, the least you could do is not have the exact same featured artists minus 1, yes I’m talking to you DJ Khaled.

10. No Brainer (AKA I’m The Two) by DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo & Chance The Rapper

YE Position: 73

    Yeah, this is pretty goddamn blatant retread of I’m The One from last year, a song I already hated. Hell, I might even like this song slightly more.

    But it’s not just because of the artists involved. No, the lyrics are the exact same “I’m the better guy for you” thing that I’m The One did, and the production uses the same vocaloid synths, even if they sound more tolerable here.

   But let’s look at the performances anyway, starting with Quavo. And he starts the song off fine, I really have nothing to complain about here. But then we have Chance, who starts off with passionless monotone rapping and then switches into his autotuned singing, but without any of the personality that made that work on songs like No Problem. Oh, and he has this line:

 

“She tryna choose between me, Justin, Qua’, and Asahd”

 

     This is Asahd

 

      If she chooses him I’m calling the cops.

     Justin Bieber handles the chorus just like on I’m The One, but the hook is considerably worse this time around, because of how off the melody sounds on the “Go hard and watch the sun rise, one night’ll change your whole life” part.

    Despite that, I still stand by my statement that this is an improvement over I’m The One, if only barely. But I can’t think of any song this year more blatantly lazy and recycled than this one. Insert joke about the title and the amount of effort put in here.

Number 9

     

     Friendzone. I hate saying that word. Not only because it sounds stupid, but because it’s a pretty miserable situation for both people involved. So yeah, why not market your song as the Official Friendzone anthem?

9. Friends- Marshmello & Anne-Marie

YE Position: 26

    I was going to say something about how disappointed I was that Marshmello would follow up a legitimately great song like Silence with this garbage, but Marshmello’s production here really isn’t all that bad. The guitar blends surprisingly well with the rigid trap beat. The drop isn’t too bad either, even though it kind of has that “ball of noise” feel. But then there’s that final prechorus, where he adds a painfully shrill whistling synth followed by… whatever that belching thing is.

 

   But like I said, the production is not the problem. Everything else is.

    Let’s start with Anne-Marie. I guess you could say she let me down too, since my only exposure to her before FRIENDS was with Rockabye by Clean Bandit last year. I loved that song for a lot of reasons, one of them being Anne-Marie’s vocals. She showed some decent range and had enough emotion to sell the lyrics.

 

     And now she’s giving one of the most obnoxious vocal performances of the year. To make these lyrics work, you need to have a certain level of charisma, otherwise it just gets annoying fast. And Anne Marie lacks that charisma. Which ends up as an even bigger problem when you take a look at these lyrics, which, let’s be honest, is the real reason this is on the list. You can just disregard everything I’ve said about FRIENDS up until this point.

 

     Usually when a song is about the “friendzone” (yes, that’s right, Anne-Marie, there are other songs about this topic, you and Marshmello were not the first to come up with this idea), it’s from the point of view of the person stuck in the friendzone wanting to get out of it- take Everything You Want and You Belong with me, for example. But this time, it’s from the point of view of the “friendzoner”. Not the worst idea, but the execution makes everyone involved look bad.

“Don’t mess it up, talkin that shit

Only gonna push me away, that’s it

When you say you love me, that make me crazy

Here We Go Again”

     Here, it’s implied that the guy has been doing this repeatedly, which makes me wonder why Anne Marie is still friends with him. But the first verse did say they’d known each other since they were kids, so I’ll let it slide for now.

 

“Don’t go look at me with that look in your eye

You really ain’t goin away without a fight”

 

     Oh, so you do want him out of your life. Despite saying he’s like a brother to you. Not even at the first chorus and the song’s narrative already contradicted itself.

“Haven’t I made it obvious?

Haven’t I made it clear?

Want me to spell it out for you?

F-R-I-N-D-S”

 

You want him out of your life… and for him to be your friend. Also, “Frinds”.

 

“Have you got no shame, you lookin insane

Turnin up at my door

It’s two in the mornin, the rain is pourin

Haven’t we been here before?”

 

He’s showing up at your house constantly, almost stalking you… and you still want him as a friend? Honestly if I were you I’d get a restraining order.

 

“F-R-I-E-N-D-S

That’s how you fuckin spell friends”

 

     Ok, this bridge doesn’t make the narrative any worse, but it does make the song worse for being really fuckin annoying. It’s so horribly condescending that I almost wanna feel sorry for the creepy stalker guy. That’s really not a good sign.

     FRIENDS, a grating song with horrible lyrics from two artists I expected better from. At least Marshmello recovered with Happier, but as for Anne-Marie… I heard her new album was pretty terrible, so I guess she was only good for Rockabye.

 

Number 8

 

    I touched on this before, but Drake dominated this year, landing NINE SONGS on the year-end, counting features, breaking the previous record of 8 set by… also Drake, in 2016. Jesus, American public, how much of this guy do you want? Goddamn. But how many of his 2018 hit songs do I actually like?

      Three. And one of them- Look Alive- is only decent tier. The rest ranged from mediocre to awful. I already covered In My Feelings and said it was the worst Drake hit with him as the lead artist, and there’s a reason I made that specification.

 

      Because if you want the worst Drake got in 2018, you have to look at other people’s songs.

8. Walk It Talk It- Migos ft. Drake

YE Position: 43

      And might as well pile on #7 while we’re at it

7. Yes Indeed- Lil Baby ft. Drake

YE Position: 25

    Let’s start with Walk It Talk It, probably the worst song Migos has ever made. I mean I’ve only heard their big hits, half of Culture 2 and maybe four of their early songs, but I really doubt they can do much worse than this.

    The icy bells don’t feel like they have any direction, instead just kind of floating from note to note, and that might’ve even been able to set up a decent atmosphere if the trap percussion wasn’t so rigid lifeless and if each note wasn’t stretched out to its limit, and it gets especially bad on that sluggish hook. And speaking of that hook…

    Okay, y’know what? I gotta apologize to Gucci Gang. THIS is a truly lazy hook. If you’re gonna be this repetitive, at least switch up the melody at some points, but no, this might as well be a single vocal clip played over and over. And there are even some solid bars on the verses, but all that is completely cancelled out by… that.

   But even when Offset tries to bring some energy on his verse, it actually backfires because of the tonal clash between him and the beat. But I will say all four verses are passable, at least. But the whole song just feels like album filler. Album filler that happened to have a Drake feature so it became a smash hit despite having nothing worth coming back to.

 

    But it could be worse.

 

   It could be Yes Indeed.

 

    The two-note horn sounds like it’s buried in the back of the mix, except that’s impossible since it and the skitters of colorless trap percussion are the only things here aside from the occasional loud pounding noise. I don’t know if this description makes any sense, but it’s like the production is drowning in a sea of nothing. It’s actually really unsettling, and I have no idea how Wheezy- the producer on this track- even managed to fuck up this badly.

    Okay, beat is barely there, so I guess we’re supposed to focus on our performers. Let’s start with Drake.

 

     He sounds bored as shit.

 

     Okay, onto Lil Baby. I cannot stand this guy, and the fact that he actually has a fanbase is astonishing to me. He sounds like a combination of the worst aspects of Fetty Wap and Young Thug, without any of the personality that makes those rappers enjoyable to listen to. He sounds like he inhaled helium and then swallowed a tennis ball while brining nothing new or unique to the table. In terms of talent alone, I’d say this guy is the worst rapper currently in the mainstream. I hope his career hits a brick wall and I never have to hear from this shitstain again.

 

   And if you thought the problems ended with the music, you’d be wrong because the lyrics are garbage too!

 

   “Yellow ferrari like Pikachu”

   Look, I totally support more Pokemon references in music, but could you at least come up with something new instead of copying off of Young Thug? I mean it’s bad enough you’re trying to copy his voice, you don’t need to steal his lyrics too.

 

“25 Hundred for a new pair of tennis shoes

The same price, I could make them youngins come finish you”

 

1. Are you saying my life is worth 2500$? That’s fine by me, honestly a lot more than I was expecting.
2. T H E M  Y O U N G I N S

 

“Lawyer been chargin, he a jew he like his voodoo”

    Not only is that line incredibly offensive to Jewish people, but Lil Baby chose to include this line on the song featuring Drake, WHO IS JEWISH. I’m surprised he even agreed to be a part of the song considering that line, but what’s most likely is he never even bothered to look at the song and just phoned in a guest verse because the label told him to.

 

“Wah wah wah, bitch I’m the baby”

 

Whoever approved that line should be lit on fire.

 

    In 2018, Drake had the star power to make pretty much anything a hit as long as his name was attached to it, and he chose boring album filler and a talentless nobody. Never forget that.

 

Number 6

 

    I almost wanted to skip this song. Not only did I dread listening to it, but I also have trouble explaining why. Turns out it wasn’t quite as horrible as I remembered. But this has been over a year in the making, so let’s fuckin do this, Halsey.

6. Bad At Love- Halsey

YE Position: 27

 

    This entire song is just dismal. Mostly because of the production, made up mostly of bleak, oversaturated strings and plinking monotonous bells with some occasional stiff, flat drums. Admittedly the piano line after the second chorus is is pretty nice, I wish that lasted longer.

    Then we have Halsey, who has probably never sounded worse. At least on Now Or Never last year, she had some control. Here she has to switch from her normal restrained tone to belting on the chorus. It’s kind of the same issue I had with Youngblood, but here it’s even worse because she also switches within the chorus. The syllable count between lines becomes really uneven on the prechorus/chorus, meaning Halsey also has to speed up and slow down constantly.

    Then we have the lyrics themselves, and wow Halsey’s being way too hard on herself. The first verse describes her relationship with a guy who didn’t support her dreams, and in the second verse, she’s with a girl who has a cocaine addiction. Neither of those are her fault. And yet she’s bad at love? Yeah no. Glad I got that over with, now I can put this song out of my mind forever.

 

 

Number 5

    Last month, it was announced that 6ix9ine was indicted on several charges of murder, robbery, assault and kidnapping. He could potentially face a life sentence if found guilty (side note: fuck anyone who says he should be “freed”), despite the fact that he should have been locked up a long time ago, as soon as he first admitted to several counts of use of a minor in sexual conduct. In other words, he’s a filthy pedophile.

    But while I am glad he’s finally facing justice, I feel like the damage has already been done, because he had two hits this year and possibly another next year if anything off his leaked new album gets traction, and yes, both of 6ix9ines two hit songs made this list.

5. Fefe- 6ix9ine ft. Nicki Minaj & Murda Beatz

                      YE Position: 31

      Is it weird to say I was disappointed with this song? I mean, I wasn’t expecting it to be any good, but I thought at least 6ix9ine’s yelling and Nicki’s forceful personality could kind of work together, but the unfortunate thing is, we got neither.

 

   Let’s start with everyone’s favorite sex offender, 6ix9ine. I wasn’t exactly a fan of his shouting shtick, but it occasionally worked for me on songs like Keke (why the fuck does he name his songs like this), and it did make him stand out in the soundcloud rap scene. But on this song, he decided to abandon that for this hoarse mumbling delivery. Why? Did he lose his voice from shouting too much? Either way he still sounds like dogshit. Is what he’s saying any better? Definitely not. And you know who agrees with me? 6ix9ine.

 

        And he really should’ve spent more time on his verses, because, well…

 

“Talk to her nice so she won’t fight back”

 

     So she won’t … fight back. One question, Mr 6ix9ine: why would she be fighting back? Unless you’re assaulting her, which… is actually pretty likely considering the type of person you are.

 

“Niggas say they killin people, but I really fuckin do it”

   That line’s gonna be used against him in court, I guarantee it. But seriously though, I doubt 6ix9ine has ever killed anyone personally. He’s too weak. I bet he got his eight security guards to do it or something.

 

     And then we get Nicki, who basically committed career suicide this year all because she didn’t like that another female rapper was getting popular. After burning nearly all her bridges, who does she decide to associate with? The rainbow pedophile. Her verses on Fefe aren’t exactly terrible, but they are phoned in, and she says she wants to fuck 6ix9ine, which, well… how shall I put this… you’re not exactly his type.

 

   Ooh, I almost forgot that bridge!

“Eenie meenie miney mo I catch that hoe right by the toe

   If she ain’t fuckin me and Nicki kick that hoe right through the door”

 

    I thought we all agreed to never use eenie-meenie-miney-mo in a song ever again after that Sean Kingston song from 2010. And yet here 6ix9ine is, using it as his method of picking hoes. Nice.

 

    But then we have the production, courtesy of Murda Beatz, who was so proud of his work here that he demanded to be listed as a featured artist. For the record, the last song he produced before this was Nice For What. Guess that song didn’t deserve to have his name attached, but this shit did. And the beat here is fucking rancid, with the paper-thin synth line and the dull trap percussion clashing horribly.

 

    Fefe- a song from a declining artist and a convicted pedophile with no effort put into it at all, and a top 3 hit. Disgraceful.

 

Number 4

   But ON the subject of lack of effort- AND Nickis-

4. X- Nicky Jam ft. J Balvin

YE Position: 90

     Ok, first of all, THAT FUCKING HORN RIFF. It sounds cheap and like it’s made out of plastic, fake. And the high-pitched part makes me want to die. It’s clearly trying to copy off Balvin’s last hit Mi Gente, but as terrible as that song was, at least the horns had some texture. Worst moment in music all year, no contest.

 

    And I wish that was the only problem.

 

   The rest of the production is generic reggaeton, with the added bonus of being limp and sounding like it’s stumbling over itself half the time. The rhythm is completely off balance.

 

    So the production is a trainwreck, how about our two frontmen here? Well, J Balvin is actually pretty solid, nothing to complain about with him. But then there’s Nicky Jam. I thought this guy was a better singer than this? I mean I’ve only heard one other song by him, that being his hit from 2015, but he sounded fine there. But what he’s doing here is just embarrassing, with his almost tone-deaf braying delivery on the verses.

 

   Shit, is that all I have to say? Any bad translated lyrics?

 

“The desire to eat you is stronger now”

   Oh, I didn’t know you were into vore. Didn’t want to, either. I bet something was lost in translation, but as it is, that line is pretty uncomfortable.

 

    Alright, I’m done wasting time here. This isn’t even the last latin song on the list. And believe me, I’ll have a lot more to say about that one.

 

Number 3

 

“SCUMGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG”

 

     Scum gang indeed.

3. Gummo- 6ix9ine

            YE Position: 56

    Welcome back, 6ix9ine

 

   I’m gonna try to keep this one brief. 6ix9ine doesn’t deserve the attention I’ve given him, but when his songs are this bad, I can’t just not talk about them.

    So this song has 6ix9ine’s classic shouting. I said before that this gimmick actually worked sometimes, but not here. In fact, this might be his worst song in that style. At his best, he can bring some energy and intensity. I guess he brings some intensity, but he sounds miserable.

   And the production certainly doesn’t help. It’s pretty sparse, with one spacious synth tone and occasional trap skitters. It’s not enough to back him up, and it even actively works against him at points when it swells up and overpowers 6ix9ine’s voice, leading to this clash in tones that almost gives me a headache.

   Ok, now the lyrics. And to get the elephant in the room out of the way: 6ix9ine says the n word a lot, like a lot, despite not being black. Now obviously I don’t have the right to tell other people what they can and can’t say, especially in this case, but I’m just wondering why he hasn’t gotten called out for it much by the black community. But that aside, what else does he say? Well, it’s pretty much just a bunch of edgy shit.

 

“I don’t fuck with no old hoes, only new hoes”

   Yup. You sure do like the “new hoes” alright.

 

“Shout out… but I fuck that nigga bitch”

    For months I thought he was saying “shut up” and now that I know he’s not, I’m kinda disappointed.

 

“She wanna fuck but keep the clothes on, I only want the jaw”

   That is probably the worst metaphor for oral I’ve ever heard

 

“In New York my niggas don’t Milly Rock, my niggas money bop”

 

    So, some backstory about this line. The beat for this song was made by Pi’erre Bourne, who also worked on Playboi Carti’s Magnolia. Pi’erre made this beat for Trippie Redd, but 6ix9ine bought it from Trippie without Pi’erre’s knowledge. Pi’erre wasn’t very happy about this because he actually has moral standards and didn’t want a pedophile using his beat. In response, 6ix9ine added this line, referencing Magnolia, to diss Pi’erre. And then, funnily enough, 6ix9ine and Trippie stopped being friends too and he threw a diss against him in there too.

 

…

 

Shit I said I’d keep this entry brief didn’t I?

 

I think I’ve said enough. See you in prison, 6ix9ine.

 

 

Number 2

    I already talked about another song by this particular act on this list, more specifically in the dishonorable mentions. I said that it shouldn’t have been a hit because it has nothing going for it, but I think the real reason that that song shouldn’t have been a hit was because their previous single should’ve killed their career.

 

Because this is fucking inexcusable

2. Wait- Maroon 5

YE Position: 58

   

   Seriouusly, Maroon 5 should be over at this point. All of their recent singles with the exception of Cold have sucked, and this is by far the worst one. Nothing about this is even remotely good, it’s an absolute disaster on every possible level.

   Let’s do the lyrics first, which are reprehensible. The basic premise is, Adam Levine is begging his ex to take him back:

“Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around?

Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out?

Just wait, can you come here please? ‘Cause I wanna be with you”

 

   See, the chorus implies that the breakup is happening in the moment, and he wants to try to work things out before she leaves. Except that’s not the scenario presented in the song.

 

“Dirty looks from your mother

Never seen you in a dress that color, no

It’s a special occasion

Not invited but I’m glad I made it”

 

    The girl’s getting married. She’s moved on with her life, she’s gotten over it, and yet Adam comes in, uninvited, to try to get her back for himself.

“Wasn’t tryna get wasted

Needed more than three or four to say this, oh”

 

   Oh, and did I mention that he’s drunk?

 

“Let me apologize

I’ll make up, make up, make up, make up for all those times

Your love, I don’t wanna lose

I’m beggin, beggin, beggin, beggin, beggin you”

 

    “I’ll make up for all those times” is far too vague a phrase to have any impact, making Adam come off less sincere and more emotionally manipulative and selfish.

“You say I’m just another bad guy

You say I’ve done a lot of things I can’t undo”

    Thanks for confirming that you’re only thinking of yourself here, Adam. She views you as a “bad guy”. You had a chance to save your relationship long ago and you blew it. That’s your fault. Move the fuck on with your life and let her move on with hers instead of trying to ruin it through manipulation and guilt tripping.

 

     But then there’s how this sounds. Maroon 5 trap song. I could probably stop there, but I’m not going to because this production is wretched, with its wonky burbles of synth, trap percussion going too fast to match the song’s tempo. Adam’s vocals are some of his worst, he can’t even bother to sound invested and his already terrible falsetto feels limper and more pathetic than usual. And then on the bridge, the beat is drenched in bass, some guitar line comes out of nowhere for like three seconds, and Adam is given demonic backing vocals before leaping into his falsetto. It barely lasts 20 seconds, but it’s the worst 20 seconds in music all year.

 

    So, with all that being said, Wait is only at #2. And by now you’ve either guessed or are wondering what my #1 is, so let’s go.

 

 

Number 1

 

 

    If you’re relatively unfamiliar with this next song, you might think it’s just mediocre and kind of boring, and not worthy of being on this list, especially not at such a high placement. And I can understand that.

 

 

 

… Unless you understand Spanish.

1. Te Bote (Remix)- Casper Magico, Darrell, Nio Garcia, Ozuna, Nicky Jam & Bad Bunny

YE Position: 81

     I’ve said many times this year that this would be my #1, so if you know me on twitter, you could see this coming. But it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I get to obliterate this wretched pile of shit.

 

    Before we get into the big stuff: the production. It’s a direct copy of Unforgettable by French Montana & Swae Lee. And I don’t mean they have a few similarities, no it sounds exactly the same. Listen to the songs side by side and you’ll see what I’m talking about. But the one difference between the two is the moody synths in Unforgettable were removed on Te Bote, leaving us with a repetitive drone for the song’s entire SEVEN MINUTE RUNTIME.

 

   But the only reason the song made the list at all is because of the lyrics. This is possibly the worst set of lyrics to any hit song this decade. So let’s rip this piece of shit to shreds line by line, using the english translation. The song is unclear on whether it’s directed at one girl or if all six douchebags are speaking to someone different. But it really doesn’t matter, so I’ll just assume it’s the same girl for the sake of convenience.

 

Ozuna starts us off with his painfully whiny, high-pitched singing. Let’s see how he introduces the song’s premise:

 

“I spend a lot of nights thinking about you

I don’t know how or when (eh, eh)

But I only know that I remembered (eh, eh)”

 

The wording of these three lines bothers me so much and I can’t really explain why.

 

“How I did it to you that time (oh, oh)

And I can’t continue to be alone (hehe)

But I know that I threw you out

I threw you out of my life, and threw you out (yeh)

I cut you slack and I let you go… I let you go

To hell I sent you… and I sent you

I threw you out of my life, and threw you out”

 

    Wow. Way to kill off any sympathy I might have had for you. Are you trying to say dumping her was like sending her to hell? Because I doubt that. She’s probably a lot happier without you. And yet you want us to feel bad because you’re lonely? Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you “threw her out of your life”. Fun fact: the term “Te Bote” commonly refers to taking out the trash. So you’re basically saying you threw this girl in the trash. Wow, just lovely.

 

    And everything I just said? That’s just from the intro. We haven’t even gotten into the song yet. Fucking end me.

 

    The first verse is Bad Bunny, who has a vocal effect that makes him sound possessed. Let’s hear what he has to say about this woman

“Baby life is a cycle (wuh)

And if doesn’t work, I don’t recycle”

 

    Eh, fair enough I guess. If things don’t work out, there’s really no point in staying together. You’re being a bit of a dick about it, though.

 

“So move from my life”

 She did tho. You already threw her away.

 

“I got tired of your lies”

 

   Oh, an actual reason for why you’re treating her this way. I’ll hear you out. Please, elaborate. How did she lie to you?

 

“If I give it to you it’s to remember a TBT, yeh

There’s another girl who likes me (yeh)”

 

   Or I guess you won’t go into detail, leading me to believe that you just made that up as weak justification for your actions. But what you’re saying here is you’ve got another girl who likes you now, and you’ll only have sex with her for “ThrowBack Thursday”.

   What the hell was that line even for? Was it supposed to be hard-hitting? Was it supposed to be funny? Because it’s none of those things. It’s just dumb and confusing.

 

“Everything has its end, everything expires (yeh)

You’re the past and the past never returns

Go to hell (wuh)”

You’re not even trying to hide what a dick you are anymore, huh?

 

“My body doesn’t need you”

Good to know all you care about is sex.

 

“What it’s asking for is a dirty dance in La Placita”

Ok, have fun with your hookers.

 

“I hate to know that I trusted in you again”

What do you mean “again?”. Oh, this is another thing you won’t explain, isn’t it?

 

“I hate all the “I Love You’s” that I texted a thousand times”

Oh yeah, I bet you were such a loving person.

 

“Our love drove in a Bugatti and you stayed on foot, I threw you out”

 

   She wasn’t moving fast enough for you… so you dumped her and made a song shitting on her. I feel like you might be a bit of a horrible person.

 

     Here’s the hook, sung by Bad Bunny and one of the three nobodies. More of the “I sent you to hell” stuff and the added bonus of “oh yeah, by the way, I fucked your friend. Fuck you, bitch”:

 

“I cut you slack and I let you go… I let you go

To hell you left… and you left

And I nailed your friend, I nailed her

F*ck you, bitch (Wuh)”

 

So now all the guys no one know or care about have their verses in succession, so let’s tear through these. First comes this guy:

 

“With you, I’m obligated to wear a condom”

     Hey dumbass, if you’re not wearing a condom while you’re fucking all these women, you’re gonna get a lot of STDs. I mean, it’s kind of what you deserve, but

 

“But I’m postin in mid court like Rondo”

“I give you a funeral (that’s right)”

 

Yeah, no comment.

 

    Nobody #2 comes in, spews all the same shit, but he does take the misogynistic undertones the song had and make them fucking blatant.

 

“I no longer suffer for love, now I break hearts”

 

   So now you’re not committed to any relationship and you just go around using people? Ok degenerate.

 

“But I have a new ass who fucks me and gives me lots of affection”

 

  And you view them as “ass” and nothing more. Great.

 

Ozuna comes back to give possibly the worst verse on the whole goddamn song:

“Out of my life, I threw you out

And I know you’re not just anybody

I’ll spend my entire life

Asking where did it go

But your friend texts me

Every time she desires me

She takes a photo with me

And tells me it’s for you to see it

I light up to see if I forget

Your name, your kisses, your body, your moans

We would do it in the car, you would scream in my ear

I close my eyes and think of everything we did, baby

I light up to see if I forget

Your name, your kisses, your body, your moans

We would do it in the car, you would scream in my ear

I close my eyes and think of everything we did, baby”

 

    You want my sympathy. After everything already said in the song, all the hateful, vile bullshit you’ve spewed, which you even confirmed was because she wasn’t quite able to keep up with you, you want me to feel sorry for you because you still think about her sometimes. But then in the next FUCKING line you bring up how you’re banging her friend out of spite (the friend too, which makes absolutely no sense), but still, you want my sympathy because you can’t stop thinking about the sex you had. Oh poor you. Well, you know what Ozuna?

     GO FUCK YOURSELF FOR EVEN TRYING THAT EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE BULLSHIT. AT LEAST I COULD’VE SAID THE SONG WASN’T TRYING TO MAKE YOU SIDE WITH THESE DOUCHEBAGS, BUT NO. YOU JUST HAD TO PLAY THE VICTIM THERE, DIDN’T YOU? FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT FUCK EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS SONG, AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, YOU’RE THE ONES THAT SHOULD GO TO HELL. WORST SONG OF THE YEAR, ONE OF THE WORST SONGS OF THE DECADE, AND I’M DONE.

 

….

 

What, the song’s not over? Still got two guys left? Eh, not worth it. Best list coming soon hopefully, so look forward to that, but until then, goodbye.