This list was rushed out so it might not be my best, and I typed it all on a google doc because wordpress’s new block editor is complete ass, but let’s get started. No intro, just number 10.

Ok so additional evidence of the new wordpress sucking, youtube links cover up text. If you want my full thoughts on each song, just look at this google doc.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1f9k9hNJVXcoN2PqiU6tuLapeHjdnZ3rzB0xhtgd2wOk/edit?usp=sharing

Number 10

10. Roses (Imanbek Remix)- Saint Jhn ft. Imanbek

YE Position: 19

Of all the bizarre events that happened this year, one of the stranger ones was seeing Lithuanian bass hit the mainstream. To better explain what “Lithuanian bass” is, my friend twitter user @oofy_Boof and the man behind the term itself was kind enough to give an explanation.
“Lithuanian Bass is an EDM subgenre taking elements of Brazilian Bass, Future House and Deep House popularized by the success of Dynoro’s In My Mind. At the time everyone considered it a Brazilian Bass song, but it’s clear now that it sparked an entire new subgenre, with some of the newer songs sounding completely different from the old school Brazilian Bass songs like Fuego by Alok. It’s an incredible genre when it’s done right, as now you can find pretty much any popular song remixed in that style, with the bassline always going zoom zoom.”
Thanks oofy_Boof. And yeah, this is about as Lithuanian bass as it gets. A no-name producer from Kazakhstan took a trap song from 2016, pitched up the vocals and added some heavy bass, and it was a huge hit. And it works for some unconventional reasons. Let’s talk about that.
One of the more noticeable things when you first hear this song is its lack of an intro. Just drops you right in with the hook and you hit the ground running. Now the original Roses does open with some sparse somber piano keys, which would’ve been very difficult to… Lithuanian bassify, if you will. The listener would’ve been like “what the hell’s goin on”. So what did Imanbek do? The madlad just cut it out and started it on the word “roses”. That way you’re not so inclined to question what’s going on, you just go along for the ride. And boy what a ride it is. Also just so there’s no misconception, I really like the original Saint Jhn Roses as well, but creative liberties needed to be taken for this to have any chance of working.
But what Imanbek did leave unaltered from the original was the vocal melody. He pitched it up, sure, but the original is still there. And turning those dark mournful vocals on the original into something you can dance to is just genius, there’s no other way to put it. There’s not much besides that, but the song has everything it needs to be a catchy fun time. This was a fluke to be sure. Nothing like it has touched the charts since. Except maybe Breaking Me by Topic that’s a really good one. And that Goosebumps remix is slowly but surely clawing its way to the top, I guess there’s that. Also Imanbek follow me on twitter please you followed like 5 of my friends just do it ok it’s so easy come on Imanbek please.

Number 9

Pffffahahahahahahahaha. You ain’t toppin this list motherfucker.

9. Blinding Lights- The Weeknd

YE Position: 1

Yeah know your fucking place. You think you’re the best song of all time or somethin? You ain’t even in the top 8 of this year. You think you break the 0-10 scale? Nah. You’re just a 10. A light ten. Yeah that amazing synth and insane hook can only take you so far buddy. Get outta here.

Whew. Glad I got that outta my system. Yeah Blinding Lights is a fantastic piece of music but you knew that already. I don’t need to say anything else moving on.

Number 8

Ok look, I know this next song isn’t particularly well-liked, at all, and putting it above Blinding Lights especially could cause some backlash. But just hear me out, I promise I can explain.

8. I Hope- Gabby Barrett

YE Position: 12

Oh sorry, my bad guys. Number 8 isn’t I Hope, it’s I Hope You’re Happy Now. Honest mistake.

8 (for real). I Hope You’re Happy Now- Carly Pearce ft. Lee Brice

YE Position: 73

Y’know we got a lot of country this year, so it’s nice that at least a portion of it came from women this time. Like we got Maren Morris, Maddie & Tae, Gwen Stefani, the Trump Girl-

But yeah Carly Pearce had the best hit out of the bunch. I also happen to know literally nothing about her other than I guess “she sing good. Nice voice.”

But this is a duet, and a fantastic one at that. First, this production is just gorgeous. It’s got these warm, vibrant guitars leading the melody and it leads well into the song’s lyrical content, which is pretty unconventional for a breakup song. It’s about a relationship that fell apart on Carly Pearce’s end, and she accepts the fact that it is what it is and wishes her ex well in his future romantic pursuits.

But Lee Brice? Not so much. See this song actually takes advantage of the fact that it’s a duet and offers us two distinct perspectives. Dude just doesn’t know what hit him and he’s left bewildered and despaired. I love how when he gets the second hook, he changes the wording. Carly said “I hope you find what you were looking for” and he says “I guess you found what you were looking for”. Goddamn that hits. But they both end their choruses with “I hope you’re happy now” and it takes a very different context with each one of them. That’s good songwriting. This is how you properly carry a double-sided narrative in music, I Hope Remix featuring Charlie Puth. Unlike a lot of people I do kinda like the I Hope remix, it’s just not well written because it was never meant to be a duet. This had clear artistic ambition and intent from the start, and it stuck the landing. It took way too long to become a hit (seriously I was bumping this shit 5 months before it charted) but it got there nonetheless and that just warms my cold dead heart. Great song, want more of this in mainstream country and a whole lot less Jason Aldean.

Number 7

2020 was just a miserable time for all of us, and no song captured that attitude better than this one. And seeing so many music critics freak out and pop their monocles over this blowing up just makes it all the better. A perfect middle finger to everyone and everything, and it’s all thanks to my favorite douchebag and sex god, Blackbear.

7. Hot Girl Bummer- Blackbear

YE Position: 26

This was the song that made me come around on blackbear. It made me go back to his 2017 hit, Do Re Mi, which I used to hate and made me go “ok, this is actually pretty good” (not the Gucci Mane remix tho that’s still ass). Also hey, that song also has a sound of music interpolation. Go figure.

But the song sounds absolutely fantastic. That liquid guitar running through everything coupled with Blackbear’s great singing voice it’s just magic. The song’s detractor’s describe it as sour, but like that’s the point dipshit. This isn’t meant to be a happy experience. I interpret it primarily as an antisocial person tryna get through some big party that they don’t really wanna be at but they’re going along with everything anyway. And it works a lot better in this song than in, say, Here by Alessia Cara- a song that seems more keen on jerking itself off over how quirky and different it is. Blackbear’s just like “this sucks, but fuck it” and that is how I feel every day.

“bUt ItS mIsOgYnIsT!!!!1!!!!” no. Are you fucking stupid? Do you hear “girl” and “mean words” and think “yup, sexism”? That’s ridiculous. Is it because he says “emo chick”? That line’s a joke. Not long before it he says “they can’t fit me in a trojan” he’s fuckin messing around dude.

The “fuck you and you and you”s honestly feel more cathartic than annoying. This plays in my head when I’m arguing with dumbasses on twitter. This plays in my head when I’m forced to do a group project with people I don’t like. It’s an anthem for a generation that doesn’t quite understand the world yet, but understands just enough to know it’s a hellhole. He’s just tryna have some fun in the midst of a bad situation, and I think that’s something we all need to do. Stream My Ex’s Best Friend.

Number 6

So streaming basically dominates everything these days. A song doesn’t even have to be a single to gain traction. This next song is one of those cases. It topped the charts not off of label promotion, but because people just loved it that much. And you know what? In this instance, I 100% agree with them.

Oh, uh I mean Ee ur ee ur haha funny meme.

6. The Box- Roddy Ricch

YE Position: 3

We’re at the “oh my god, where do I even begin” phase of the list. At this point if you don’t like the song you probably never will and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’m just gonna say this is one of the most outside-the-box (get it?) mainstream rap hits in years. Roddy has an ability to seamlessly jump from flow to flow as he recounts his time in prison but at the same time I don’t really care about the lyrics, as good as they are, because this song just sounds so good. It’s bleak and a little unsettling, but it somehow just makes me feel good I don’t know how to describe it. And that’s really all I got to say about this one. Amazing song.

Except this. Come on, we all know the election was stolen from Roddy. Trump and Biden both gotta come clean-

Number 5

Back in the spring, I said this had become one of my favorite songs of all time. And like, not quite? 

5. Everything I Wanted- Billie Eilish

YE Position: 18

(I’ll keep it real for a sec, I’ve worked on this list out of order and this is the last one, I just wanna wrap things up I’ll keep it quick.)

Ok so uh, this song. It sounds great thanks to Billie’s brother Finneas doing the production, he’s also kinda what the song is about. In this song Billie’s only barely hangin on she’s close to killing herself, she even did kill herself in a dream, but her brother helps her get through it, which is just really nice imo ok moving on

Number 4

Hey, are you ready to fill up a glass of whiskey and mix it with some tears? Because we got the sad country song next. From the undisputed king of emotional country himself, Luke Combs.

4. Even Though I’m Leaving- Luke Combs

YE Position: 85

Shit, it’s better than One Number Away.

This is one of those songs that bothers to tell a real story. It relays three moments from the protagonist’s life (I don’t think Luke’s own life but I could be wrong) between him and his father. It starts with him as a little kid, afraid of monsters under his bed that’ll get him as soon as his dad turns off the light and leaves. The dad comforts him with the main lines of the chorus “even though I’m leaving, I ain’t goin nowhere”, assuring that he’ll always be watching over him.

Cut to around 20 years later, the boy’s all grown up and he’s headed off into war (probably got drafted to Iraq or Afghanistan or whatever other middle eastern countries we’re in right now). He confides with his dad before he boards that plane that even though he’s acting tough he’s terrified of what’s to come. His dad switches the narrative on him, saying “even though you’re leaving, I ain’t goin nowhere.” Subtle change, but it’s cohesive narrative-wise. One critique though is I think it would’ve worked better if the second chorus came from the son reassuring his father. Just a thought.

And you all know what’s coming in the third verse. The tearjerker moment. His father’s on his deathbed, he’s scared to let go of his dad, and his dad reaches up and tells him once again that he’ll always be there for him, even if he can’t see him. What a fucking journey, and it’s all coupled with Luke’s wonderfully gruff vocals and the delicate glimmering instrumentation.

Oh but SPEAKING of sad moments-

Number 3

Okay, I’m bouta do something crazy. First of all, no not all of the upcoming songs are better than Even Though I’m Leaving- in fact I’d say only one of them is. But all of these would take up a shit ton of space on my list otherwise, and since they’re all from the same person, I’m doing a tie. A 4-way tie.

3a. Bandit- Juice WRLD ft. Youngboy NBA

YE Position: 63

Some people only found out about Juice after he died, but I was around long enough to remember when all the comments on this video were fat jokes. Yeah any top comment you see there that says it’s been edited? Used to say somethin like “getting in mcdonalds is a challenge”.

I probably have the least so say about this one. Jarad’s vocals sound great as usual, the melody is incredibly catchy, and the liquid production flows perfectly. This is Juice’s only hit that isn’t depressing in its content, which honestly just makes it more heartbreaking because this was the last thing he released before his death. There was a glimmer of hope there, he had a girl, he looked to be doing pretty alright. Then, well, you know the story.

Oh right Youngboy’s on this song. Ummm… he’s ok? His flow is ripped from the hook but it’s still good. He says “semen” that’s something right? 

Now if you want something that does hit ya right where it hurts well I got good news.

3b. Wishing Well- Juice WRLD

YE Position: 92

This isn’t quite my favorite of the 4 Juice WRLD songs on the year end, but I’ll admit it’s probably the best. I didn’t bother with it much because honestly I didn’t think it would make the year-end. The main draw here is obviously the lyrics, but I’d be remissed not to mention that lush, spaced out production, it’s a beautiful almost orchestral sound. But that content, man. Now Jarad’s obviously no stranger to sad material, but he was very rarely this raw in his emotion. The line “drugs killing me softly” would be enough on its own but his death adds a whole nother gutpunch. Then there’s “if it wasn’t for the pills I wouldn’t be here, but if I keep taking these pills I won’t be here.” It’s all so simply structured, but it works. Just one blunt honest expression of deep feelings after another.

If I had to nitpick, some of the punchlines don’t fit the mood. “Anthills”? “Ring ring phonecall from depression”? But at the same time I can’t detract any points from this song because it’s all so blunt. I guess that’s why of all the album tracks, this is the one that stuck around long enough to scrape by. But yknow it’s not the best song on the album, or even the best hit off it. That has to go to-

3c. Come & Go- Juice WRLD ft. Marshmello

YE Position: 54

It’s his most mainstream pop-friendly song to date. And it’s my favorite from these 4. It’s a wonderful expression of insecurity. He doesn’t feel good enough no matter how much those around him, mainly his girlfriend, love and care about him. The line that hits me the most is “sometimes I feel you like being alone, then you tell me that I should’ve stayed in the room.” There’s this feeling of hope permeating throughout the song that even if he doesn’t believe he’s worthy, one person believing he is is enough to keep him going. And uh, then he died. Fuck.

Marshmello’s not the greatest producer, to say the least, but he pulled through with this one. The buildup of guitars, synths and handclaps is just astonishingly good. And the payoff for the whole song is that second drop/guitar solo, and it somehow avoids undercutting the emotion. Just a masterpiece, not Juice’s best, but certainly one of the best hits of not just this year, but the past few years.

But wait, isn’t that every Juice WRLD song on the year end? Yes, as a lead artist. Which brings us to-

3d. Godzilla- Eminem ft. Juice WRLD

YE Position: 62

I guess this counts too? I don’t know it’s easily the weakest of these four songs, but that’s not just because “Eminem bad lol”. Like this is an amazing song no matter how you look at it. This song just feels like a descent into madness. Eminem just keeps going faster and faster until that ending where he breaks his own record. Really he’s just showing off, which just adds to the unstable self-portrait the song paints. It’s like he looked at how bad his past 2 years were, he’d turned just about everybody against him in one way or another, so he just said “fuck it, I’m gonna get wasted, get in the booth and just go apeshit, corny punchlines and all” and he made this song. The Juice WRLD hook is good too, and completely ethical since Eminem and Juice WRLD worked on the song together before his passing.

Number 2

This was hands down the biggest musical surprise of the year.

If you had told me two years ago that Lil Baby would release one of the greatest anthems for racial justice in modern times, I would’ve said “2020 must be a fucked up year”. And I mean, I wouldn’t be wrong. But seriously, “The Bigger Picture” manages to pick apart nearly every aspect of the conversation surrounding police brutality and systemic racism. He acknowledges that not every white person or even every police officer is racist themselves, but calls them out on their complacency with a broken system. He recognizes that he’s rapped about committing crimes in his music, but goes on to use his platform to make a statement (also for the record rap music does not lead to more crime and if you think it does, I’m sorry but you might actually be braindead. Might wanna get that checked out by a doctor so you can get the care you need.)

That’s not to say Lil Baby wasn’t improving beforehand, though. Sure, Woah wasn’t anything special, but was pretty good and then he followed it up with Sum 2 Prove which was… a song. There’s also We Paid with 42 Dugg, all I know about 42 Dugg is that he’s very short. Maybe that’s how he got his name he’s like 42 inches tall. And We Paid is great. It just has this sticky addictive quality to it. 42 Dugg sounds like chunky peanut butter and then Lil Baby sounds like the smoo- why did I say that.

So yeah, I like We Paid, but it really feels wrong that its success overshadowed what was clearly the best song on the album. And considering that I’ve mentioned 4 out of Lil Baby’s five hits this year (yes, he had 5), you’ve probably figured out what my actual number 2 is by now.

2. Emotionally Scarred- Lil Baby

YE Position: 74

Fuck, this one hits hard. Like a truck. I didn’t want that to rhyme. From the moment it opens with those haunting keys, you know you’re in for something different. It’s like standing on a lonely hill with your face in the wind. Then Lil Baby jumps in with “a love letter came through the mail, it said ‘I miss you’, I ripped it up and flushed with the tissues try to forget you” what a perfect way to establish Lil Baby’s state of mind right out the gate with only two lines. He goes on to say he doesn’t hold anything against his ex, but he’s just tired of thinking about her and having to worry. And while he claims to have moved past emotions, it’s made clear that this just isn’t true. 

Gotta say something real quick on that subject. A lot of people view character inconsistencies in any form of media as a writing flaw, and take it from somebody who generally speaking knows their shit when it comes to writing, it’s not. In a first person narrative especially, this improves the quality of the storytelling. With an unreliable narrator, the reader will have to engage on a deeper level with the work to figure out what’s really going on. If you intend to critique a piece of art, you better damn well spend some time on it and not take everything at face value. Idk I guess I blame cinemasins. And don’t even get me started on those mfs who say “well why didn’t the character just do x” as if real people aren’t flawed enough to make poor decisions. I can’t believe the level of sheer stupidity-

Anyway, Lil Baby then transitions into what looks like regular flexing at face value, but a look deeper reveals more conflicted feelings, made evident in lines like “they said I’ll be great, I guess I’m waiting for it” and “everybody can’t go to the top I had to leave some people”. Every time I hear this song it just blows my mind that it came from a guy I wholeheartedly dismissed two years ago. It’s genuinely one of the best songs I’ve ever heard, but it’s not #1. 

Honorable Mentions

HM. Nobody But You- Blake Shelton ft. Gwen Stefani

Yeah I like it leave me alone.

Some people have called this song bad because Blake and Gwen don’t make sense as a couple which… dude shut up leave em alone they’re happy together. Log off and go outside.

HM. Die From A Broken Heart- Maddie & Tae

I sometimes have to remind myself this actually happened. Maddie & Tae, after being effectively blacklisted by corporate Nashville, broke through with a top 40 hit this year. And yeah it’s with probably their safest single to date, but I’ll take it man.

HM. Break My Heart- Dua Lipa

“Noooo you can’t make an album with the same retro formula over and over”

“Haha bassline go brrr”

I probably would’ve put this on the list if I had even one thing to say about it. All I’ll say is Dua’s gotten better with each single and we better not let Levitating flop.

HM. Dior- Pop Smoke

Maybe it’s just me, but even though I really do like every Pop Smoke song that made the year end, the ones off Shoot For The Stars felt like they’d been somewhat moderated by the label for mainstream audiences. This meanwhile is just the man himself.

Got It On Me still deserved to be a hit over all of them tho.

HM. Be Like That- Kane Brown ft. Swae Lee & Khalid

I guess it do really be like that. Homesick was good, it just missed the honorable mentions because it can’t compete with this magical blending of genre.

HM. What’s Poppin- Jack Harlow

“What’s Poppin?”

“Brand new whip just hopped in.”

I got options, I can pass that bitch like stockton”

SO true. Also fuck you the original counts.

HM. The Bones- Maren Morris

And here’s the other big female country hit. Overplay got to this one eventually, but this is the perfect song to listen to while driving and just close your eyes and drift off to sleep– yeah you might crash your car, but as long as your bones are good-

HM. Before You Go- Lewis Capaldi

Year 2 of pissing people off by praising Lewis Capaldi.

“Nooooooo his voice is bad!!!!!!!! >:(” Don’t care didn’t ask

HM. Rain On Me- Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande

This song was really, really really great for like a month.

HM. We Paid- Lil Baby & 42 Dugg

Did I really put this over The Bigger Picture? Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

HM. Heart On Ice- Rod Wave

I once said this song would be very high on my best list. Well I forgot about it as I was putting together my top 10 and now here it is out in the honorable mentions. Yeah it’s great, you just- yknow you feel it.

HM. Ballin- Mustard ft. Roddy Ricch

And on the opposite side of things, this is just fun. Mustard is surprisingly good at making chill lighthearted beats that really play on the brighter side of Roddy Ricch’s vocals.

HM. Heartless- The Weeknd

What a great comeback single. It’s a shame Blinding Lights came along and made everyone forget about this one.

Honorable Mentions For The Honorable Mentions

Because the year was that good. From the bottom up

• Slide- HER ft. YG
• Lovin On You- Luke Combs
• Ily- Surf Mesa ft. Emilee
• Does To Me- Luke Combs ft. Eric Church
• Homesick- Kane Brown
• The Scotts- Travis Scott ft. Kid Cudi
• The Bigger Picture- Lil Baby
• Hot- Young Thug ft. Gunna & Travis Scott
• For The Night- Pop Smoke ft. Lil Baby & DaBaby
• Highest In The Room- Travis Scott
• Woah- Lil Baby
• Laugh Now Cry Later- Drake ft. Lil Durk
• High Fashion- Roddy Ricch ft. Mustard
• Good As Hell- Lizzo
• BOP- DaBaby
• Blueberry Faygo- Lil Mosey
• I Hope- Gabby Barrett
• Life Is Good- Future ft. Drake
• Adore You- Harry Styles
• Rockstar- DaBaby ft. Roddy Ricch
• Don’t Start Now- Dua Lipa

FUCK that’s a lot of great music. But in a year like this, what song reigned supreme over all others for me? Well, you probably already know so just pretend to be shocked okay?

Number 1

Yknow my entire 5-2 (counting Come & Go as my #3) could’ve topped this list and nobody would have any complaints. They’re all beyond masterpieces and each one is compelling and heart-crushing in their own way. But guys, this was 2020. The whole year was misery. The only type of song that could top a best of 2020 list is one that for its brief runtime makes you forget what a horrible state of being you’re in and just makes you feel really good inside. It took until the very end of the year for such a song to arrive, but here it is. A few months old and already among songs of all time. Play it!

1. Mood- 24kGoldn ft. Iann Dior

YE Position: 47

Look sorry guys, this isn’t gonna be a long in-depth breakdown like I usually end up doing with #1s, this song is just flawless. It’s basic, but that’s not really a bad thing. That beaming guitar melody repeats throughout the whole song and never gets old, and 24kGoldn and Iann Dior, while not bringing their most passionate performances, ride that production perfectly. There’s some funny lines in here too, from Iann Dior proclaiming that he is not, in fact, your dad, to 24kGoldn comparing the wap to gangs in the 40s.

But that’s about all there is to the song. That’s enough to make it good, but #1 on the best list? Well it just never got old. Everything else has grown tiresome this year, but so far this one hasn’t. I listened to this song so much it wound up as #1 on my spotify wrapped despite only being four months old. It’s spent more than 15 weeks at the top of my personal charts (via crownnote.com), only the second song ever to do that. We all needed a song like this, for a lot of people it was Blinding Lights, but for me, Mood by 24kGoldn and Iann Dior is an easy choice for the best hit song of 2020. Merry christmas, happy end of 2020, see ya some time next year.

Guys, guys, I’m bouta drop a bombshell of a take, okay? Get ready, get ready-

…

2020 bad.

Suck my dick.

I ain’t even gotta say it you already know why this was the worst year ever. The list of reasons not to call this the worst year ever is a whole lot shorter:

• the music

Yeah I won’t mince words this is one of the best years I’ve ever seen for the hot 100. At least since 2013. Music was just about the only thing people had left to turn to in these dark times, and they really chose some great stuff.

However, as always, there are exceptions. And while the songs on this list aren’t even close to the worst of many previous years, they sure as hell ain’t good. So with that said, let’s begin with-

Number 10

Jason… no… NO!

10. Savage Love- Jason Derulo & Jawsh 685

YE Position: 35

This… this is what every fuckin 10 year old is gonna know Jason Derulo for. I can’t fucking take it.

Where do I even begin? Okay, for starters, this beat is ripped straight from some other song. Laxed Siren Beat or whatever I don’t actually know. And I mean yeah it’s scummy that he stole the beat without permission, but what pisses me off even more is that it ain’t even good. You didn’t even steal something good. This sounds like the ingrown toenail of music. That drop is so pathetic it hurts. And Jason’s never sounded worse. I’ve expressed how much I fucking love this guy before, even on songs like Wiggle he still brings a lot to his performance. Here he sounds like he’s getting repeatedly kicked in the balls. Which is actually a reasonable interpretation of what the song’s about given the lyrics:

Ok, I’m sorry, I know that word’s been overused at this point, but there’s no other way to say it. Jason’s simpin.

But hey, as much as I may view the song as a pathetic comeback from a formerly great artist, it’s certainly catchy and I can sorta see why it shot up the charts all the way to #1 all on its own without any help from, say, a remix featuring an act with a rabid fanbase. No, nothing like that at all.

Number 9

Ever since Old Town Road became the smash hit that it was, it was clear that tiktok would be a domineering force in the music world for a long time to come. And that turned out to be completely correct because when you look at this year end, at least half the songs can be tied to some dance trend. Now hey, I ain’t just gonna say “tiktok bad lol” and call it a day. I loved Old Town Road and still do to this day. This year some great songs got boosts on the app as well. But this right here was the first song that only charted because of tiktok, and it was a sign that it wasn’t all gonna be gay cowboy horse men and cool trippy shit like No Idea. Some of em would just be ass.

9. Roxanne- Arizona Zervas

YE Position: 16

I think it’s fitting that we go straight from a borderline simp song to a borderline incel song. It’s important to remember that tiktoks are like 15 seconds long, so a lot of the songs only have to sound good for 15 seconds. And that’s the case here. That hook, for the first half, is damn solid and perfect for memes.

See? Comedy genius.

But right after we get “she think I’m an asshole, she think I’m a player, she keep runnin back tho, only cause I pay her” and jesus christ that’s the saddest thing ever. Maybe I was wrong maybe you and Derulo are both simps.

Oh yeah right the intro goes “all for the gram. Bitches love the gram. Oh wait shit” why do I get the feeling like he didn’t know the mic was on and only caught it last second. I mean it’s funny, but imagine what else he could’ve been muttering to himself. “These fuckin femoids only wanna sleep with Chad, never give a guy like me a chance.”

“She from Malibu, Malibu. If she ain’t got a foreign then she laugh at you. Malibu, Malibu, spending daddy’s money with an attitude.”

Ok I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you know all this for sure. Like you’ve seen her do this shit. Then what are you doin man? You have so much resentment towards her, you recognize that she’s a bitch, and you still be payin for that pussy?

ARE YOU A SIMP OR NOT!?

Ok, maybe he’s like one of those douchebag pickup artists. If that’s true then he’s really bad at it cause he only gets one girl. But what it boils down to is a smug detached kid who participates in all the same debauchery as this girl Roxanne, and yet still somehow thinks he’s superior. And we already have Blackbear doin that a million times better with actual talent and charisma. Get this guy outta here.

Number 8

Well, this is unfortunate. Hard To Forget by Sam Hunt grew on me. I don’t think it’s good or anything, it’s kind of a mess still, but it’s more just weird rather than awful to me. Now, I still wanted to put at least one country song on the list because I like to get variety in these things and I like talking about country music, the genre’s got a ton of both my favorite and least favorite songs of all time. Like ya got Every Storm by Gary Allan on one side, and fuckin Whisper by Chase Rice on the other. So this year I had a few options. One Of Them Girls by Lee Brice was infuriating to me, but that was really only because it of all things was going to be Brice’s biggest hit of all time over his three other year-end hits, all fantastic songs. I could pretend to hate Chasin You by Morgan Wallen but come on

Can ya really get mad at such an iconic meme? Seriously, this blurry image of Morgan Wallen has been one of my few consistent sources of joy this year.

But anyway, there was also the likes of One Margarita by Luke Bryan, which while I don’t like it, I get why it blew up. People needed some escapism. One Man Band by Old Dominion, meanwhile is in a weird spot for me because it keeps bouncing between insanely boring and kind of sweet. Oh, there’s obviously the fuckin Gabby Barrett song, but I actually like it so forget I said anything. Really, there weren’t any country hits this year I outright disliked…

Well except for one.

So, as much as I hate to do it, we’re going back to my old country punching bag

I think it’s about time we pulled the plug on this man’s career.

8. Got What I Got- Jason Aldean

YE Position: 60

Y’know, with this it’s more than just “bad yeehaw man make bad song”. This is an artistic regression. It wasn’t long ago that he released Rearview Town, the best song of his entire career. And the followup, We Back, yeah it was pretty dumb but it was that fun kind of dumb. This… is You Make It Easy 2: This Time Less Easy To Listen To. It’s a working title, guys.

First the obvious: Jason Aldean is a very passionless singer 9 times out of 10 and this is no exception. No, singing emphatically is not the same as conveying emotion. And whenever he does emphasize the line the guitar gets real loud for a couple seconds, which is not how you do dramatic buildup. Because then at the points where a climactic moment is needed, nothing fucking happens. That guitar solo is ass. Weak shit. When I saw a Jason Aldean song charting, I may have expected it to be a regular old bland type of bad, but I didn’t expect it to be actively hard to listen to.

Just a normal ass love song and you wanna make it a half-assed version of Believer by Imagine Dragons.

“When I got what I got I don’t miss what I had”

So yeah obviously you’re happy with your new wife, probably just for her toes. I know Jason ain’t interested in anything but the toes, if his 2012 hit Take A Little Ride is any indication he’s a fucking toe fanatic.

This is what he looks like when he sees a toe. It’s legit terrifying.

Also, in that music video… those are his kids from his first wife, but that ain’t his first wife there with em. Imagine being Jason Aldean’s 4 year old, you see him every other weekend, and he makes you participate in a music video with some woman you barely know. It would be hard enough just knowing Jason Aldean was your dad, honestly. Like which DNA strand made his neck disappear, and did it get passed down?

This man won Artist Of The Decade at the CMAs. Over literally anybody else, they chose him. The soul-draining force of country radio. Those awards were never actually about talent, were they?

Number 7

Nicki Minaj has the worst twitter fanbase, and that’s including the entire genre of kpop.

Some context for why I’m even talking about them: because of covid, songs were getting less points on each weekly hot 100 throughout the year, making getting to #1 laughably easy. BTS got 2 (if you count the Savage Love remix), Ariana got 2 debuts at #1, Travis Scott managed a couple too- and except for that last one, these songs were astroturfed to the top by stans. Nicki Minaj got not 1, but 2 number 1 hits this year through that very method. One was Trollz with 6ix9ine, which hilariously plummeted off the charts in just 3 weeks afterwards.

And the other was on the remix of Say So with Doja Cat.

Now, the remix didn’t end up counting on the year-end hot 100, and thus it’s ineligible for the list. And with Say So being one of the most controversial hits of the year, let me just say that even if the remix was eligible, Say So would not appear on either my worst or best list. It’s just a song that exists. Ultimately harmless pop radio filler for the summer.

Doja Cat’s other hit this year, I don’t know who the hell it was for.

7. Juicy- Doja Cat ft. Tyga

YE Position: 87

I think at this point half the goal of these lists is to get the best fakeout of the year. Hope that led some of y’all down a path of deception.

But look, say what you want about Say So, at least it’s tryna be sexy and pulls it off. It’s got those warm seductive tones. This? Who the fuck is getting horny for this? Maybe if you’re that guy who gets kicked out of the grocery store for humping the fruit, but even then you’d need the music video.

The song opens with the manic haunted-house sounding piano, which already fucks the mood way up.

That ass do be kinda fat doe. But why you switchin from the first to third person one line apart? Does someone else keep that booty while you just keep it juicy? The fuck did I just type.

The verses ain’t much better.

“He like the doja with the cat”

Ok yeah it’s a pun on your name, cat’s your pussy, but what the fuck is a doja by itself?

“He like it thick he like it fat”

Wait the pussy or the ass? This has all been about the ass but that last line’s throwin me off a little.

Come on guys. How’d that get past proofreading?

“Broke a fingernail and then some”

Jesus, that’s painful. Why would you say this.

“Can’t trust a big butt and a gemini”

Guess not.

I don’t care about this astrology shit bruh it’s all fake.

But regardless, the charting version was the remix. With Tyga. Mr “She a big girl when she stimulated”, back at it again.

“I’m a big dog tryna eat the kitty cat”

Yknow I’m just disappointed. You’re Tyga, as in tiger. That’s a big cat the wordplay is right in front of you and you FUCK-

“I love when you give in, I love when you don’t”

Now see, that’s just- that’s just awful.

In some ways I kinda have to be glad Say So came along when it did, because this thing got pushed right the fuck out of everybody’s memories. I would’ve preferred Like That to be her big hit, but I guess the public was already done with her by that point. How did the woman who made “Moo!” end up with such a sad mainstream career?

…of course. Pop Music Enemy #1

Number 6

.

6. Memories- Maroon 5

YE Position: 8

Yknow I’ve been at this for a while now. I’m gonna take a quick break okay? Use the bathroom, get a drink of water that kind of stuff. Be right back.

Number 5

Ah, the saga continues

5. You Should Be Sad- Halsey

YE Position: 82

I know I’ve come down hard on Halsey in the past, but I can honestly say I don’t hate her. She’s more a mixed bag- haha get it because she’s mixed? That wasn’t intentional. Hey, did yknow that Halsey can say the n word? That’s somethin to keep you up at night. But ok, let’s even put aside her work as a guest vocalist which is quite honestly fantastic across the board. Her followup to Without Me, Nightmare, unironically goes hard as shit. Then came Graveyard, which I won’t lie creeps me the fuck out. That song makes me feel like I’m bouta get jumpscared. Then she released this… absolute beauty of a trainwreck.

I was actually conflicted in putting this on the list. Like most of these are songs that are just horrible to sit through, and this isn’t exactly that. This song is, truly, an experience. Not a good one, but an experience nonetheless.

I do have one good thing to say about it though: it’s not nearly as bad as Without Me. With that song, Halsey came off as the abusive one and made G-Eazy of all people look sympathetic. Here, she’s not really being manipulative. Though the claim that she’s “got no anger” rings pretty hollow as the song progresses.

First thing she says regarding Gerald (by the way, it’s been nearly two fuckin years at this point just drop it), is “you’re not half the man you think that you are, and you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money drugs and cars.”

Yknow I bet I could fill G-Eazy’s hole

I mean damn, just look at him!

…Okay all that aside, so far so good. Although calling G-Eazy hollow on the inside does harken back to Without Me, and it shows that Halsey still kinda views herself as some sort of savior who tried so hard but failed to fix him. And like, come on. Also until just now I thought she said “money trucks and cars” and I do think that’d be a much funnier lyric.

“I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you, cause you can’t love nothin unless there’s somethin in it for you”

Putting aside the fact that assuming someone would never love their child is pretty harsh, there would be something in it for him. Kids do get the media more invested in you.

Then the chorus hits with absolutely no buildup, and it’s obviously being sarcastic lyric-wise, but can we talk about that canned airhorn? What did that add? Seriously you have that acoustic folksy strumming and then suddenly you’re at the football game. But she says some more things about how she tried to help and he just wouldn’t listen, carrying that shit even further. But then she describes how she made it out, ran away and that’s all great I’m happy for her… but she’s clearly not out of it if she’s still writing songs about it two years later.

Then the weird line she chose for the mic-drop “won’t see your alligator tears cause I know I’ve had enough of them”, and… alligator!? The expression is crocodile. There is no reason to change it to alligator outside of, maybe to fit the yeehaw vibe you’re half leaning into but really not doing anything with.

Then… heavy rock guitar solo. And ok, it sounds kinda cool even if I swear I’ve heard this exact same one a million times before on other songs. But here’s the thing… it never comes back. It peaked the song at the end of the first verse. You blew your load too early Halsey goddammit! After that the song just feels like it’s limping along you can’t pull this kinda shit. The second verse sounds the same as the first, but it opens with

“Take a broken man right in my hands and then put back all his parts”

Ok. No. No no no no no no no. I was bein charitable up until this point but fuck you. I ain’t even wanna continue this segment, I touched on everything I wanted to anyway. The moral of the story is, Halsey, take what you’re doing on guest verses and bring that to your solo work. I think the results’ll be pretty promising.

Number 4

2020 has been a miserable year, I understand. Makes you long for just about any previous year. Even 2016, the old “worst year ever” gets viewed through rose-tinted glasses these days. But let’s get something straight: just because you’re nostalgic for 2016 does not mean we have to revive that year’s musical trends, especially not those fucking awful ballads that were everywhere back then. But when combined with some vaguely topical lyrics, one such song just happened to blow up. And I can’t stand it.

4. If The World Was Ending- JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels

YE Position: 56

I mean come on, JP Saxe even sounds like the name of some throwaway acoustic one-hit wonder. James Bay, James Arthur, James P Saxe- Ok I don’t know if James is his name, but he’s an honorary member of the shitty James club. I just don’t like the way this guy sings. He sounds like a timid bleating goat. And he tries to do the thing where he crams syllables too. You might expect me to really tear into the last chorus where he goes into his high register, but no it actually sounds kinda better. There’s only one thing he does that I kinda like, and it’s the “if the world was ending you’d come over right? …right?” that’s a nice touch.

And Julia Michaels… doesn’t fix anything. It’s not that her voice can’t work, it’s that she always sings in these unflattering tones that emphasize and isolate the breathiness. Her part makes me feel like my throat’s closing up. Her voice could only work for more bizarre experimental music, which is why I actually don’t mind Uh Huh- her failed follow-up to Issues- as much as nearly everyone else. It’s just pure insanity. Here though, like with Issues, she’s going for restraint and isn’t backed up by wild production, so it just doesn’t sound pleasant at all.

The production I’m not so repulsed by, it’s just boring. Yeah yeah, you got the whiteboy guitar, you got the piano, sad music, we get ya. What is a little off is the songwriting. Which is weird since both of these people are professional songwriters and they had full control of both the narrative and execution from the start.

“I was distracted, and in traffic. I didn’t feel it when the earthquake happened.”

Now this is what I don’t understand about this song’s success during quarantine. With others like Supalonely or Death Bed you can project onto it, but nah this one spells out what the disaster event is. Kinda throws you off from the start. Whatever. That’s not too important.

So naturally, as soon as Saxe finds out there was an earthquake (so small that he didn’t even feel it), he starts wondering where his-

Actually I’m not clear of the relationship here.

“Oh it’s been a year now”

Okay. She’s your ex… and she has been for a whole year? Jesus christ move on, man. She probably isn’t thinking of y-

What? She’s even less moved on than you? Fuckin hell this song gave me something to be sad about completely by accident.

So you both know you’re not meant for each other, but during an apocalypse you’d… get back together? I- what? What kinda relationship is that? Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe this is super fuckin realistic and romantic. But I doubt it. I really doubt it.

But I’m honestly really confused as to why this became a hit. Yeah ok, radio astroturfed it up the charts after the tiktok hype went nowhere, but I don’t recall ever hearing this on the radio either. Like I get it, it’s a big country and people each have their own tastes, but I can’t imagine the person who listens to this on repeat. Even the songs further up the list, I at least can kinda see why people would choose to listen to them, but not with this.

Number 3

…Dammit.

I ended up with the most predictable top 3 imaginable. If you know me at all, you know what three songs are coming next, and a lot of you could probably guess the order too. All three had tiktok popularity, two of them blew up during quarantine, and one of them was upbeat.

And that one’s up first. Take it away, Surfaces!

3. Sunday Best- Surfaces

YE Position: 61

Okay, I feel like I shouldn’t even have to stay anything. It’s Sunday Best by Surfaces, for fuck’s sake. But let’s start from the top. This is Surfaces, a group I know nothing about and after this song I really don’t want to. Like the singing one sounds like complete ass. He couldn’t carry a tune to save his life. This beat came straight from hell, too. There’s that burbling bass, the gang vocals, the snare, the goddamn cowbell, the I-don’t-even-know-what-else. All these sounds clash together in an almost nauseating way. It’s like eating six hot dogs and then chugging a milkshake it just leaves you suffering.

But what I really hate about the song is it’s tryna pass itself as this motivational anthem and it’s sung by these two fratboy douches. Maybe I’m being overly presumptuous here, but I get the sense that these guys were born into immense privilege. Yeah sure, it’ll all be fine because your lawyer dad’s gonna bail you out. Must feel good, huh? They sound like they’d tell a homeless guy “hey dude, why don’t you just buy a house?” They’re the types to put “blm” in their bio and think that’s peak activism. Well, that or they’d be the “all lives matter” types I’m torn between the two. The line that just shows it is “and I just say whatever cause there is no way around it”. They don’t care. They ain’t give two fucks about people dealing with real shit. In conclusion, both these dicks should bend over backwards and eat their own assholes. Okay moving on.

Number 2

From the moment I first heard this song, I knew it was destined to top my worst list.

I mean, I turned out to be wrong, it’s only #2, but I was in the right ballpark.

2. Falling- Trevor Daniel

YE Position: 22

This song is honestly kinda breathtaking. It should forever be preserved as the guide for how not to make a song. I mean you start with that eerie plucking of the strings which sounds decent enough, it could build to something kinda c- nope. I’ll be honest, I don’t know shit about singing or vocal technique or whatever the fuck but I’m pretty sure Trevor’s doing it wrong here. Like let’s look at the words he’s stressing “come closer I’ll give you all my love, if you treat me right baby I’ll give you everything. I’m not even pointing out how none of it rhymes because hey, maybe that’s a stylistic choice to make it feel more spur-of-the-moment, from the heart or something. But these ups-and-downs in his singing don’t feel orderly they feel sporadic and not in a good way. Then he hits you with the “TALK TO MEEEEE” and I lose any charitability I was giving to this song. And before you say “that’s just his style” why does his belting sound completely fine on songs like Past Life?

Then he drops into a verse where the dark, moody instrumental is replaced with a bland trap beat and he starts singin a little faster. Here he actually tries to rhyme, and the results are… a mixed bag. Still, this verse is bland but it’s whatever. Kind of a little break for your ears before you get hit with the worst moment in music all year.

THE BRIDGE. This goddamn bridge makes me so mad. He recorded this and then decided “I wanna pitch-shift my voice. Up or down? How about BOTH AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.” And two don’t harmonize in the slightest, it’s like he didn’t even try. All you get is the low vocals dominating and the high vocals being like a little needle poking at your ear. It’s so fucking painful I swear to god. Then the chorus again, then the outro just takes all the worst elements of the song and smashes them together. Bad vocal mixing and layering? Check. Confused production that can’t choose a damn mood? Check. Messed up narrative? Che- oh wait I haven’t even talked about the song’s lyrical content.

Big surprise, the songwriting’s all over the place. Let’s go through some lines to illustrate my point

“My last made me feel like I would never try again, but when I saw you I felt something I never felt”

Ok, he’s been treated bad by his ex, but this new girl’s hittin different.

“come closer, I’ll give you all my love”

“Come closer”? Ok, I can presume now that you just met this girl in which case… that’s an atrocious pickup line man. “Hey baby, get on over here and I’ll give you my lovin”. I know that’s not how it’s supposed to be interpreted but this is what happens when you leave things murky.

Speaking of big ass holes:

There’s nothing between these except the chorus. The connective tissue is just missing. The whole song was building up to like this fresh start, which, by the way, didn’t fit the music at all. It sounds like a song about your dog dying or some shit. But the outro comes in and says “well, that failed too. I’m back to hating my life.” And while that does resolve the tonal dissonance, it opens up new problems. Like, what happened? The outro, I can only assume, is in the future, but everything up until that point was set in a single moment. You can’t just change up the story at the very end of the song. It was all one internal monologue until it… became another? It just doesn’t work and I just… I just fuckin hate this song dude. Certainly the type of thing that could top one of my lists, maybe it should have- but it didn’t. And I’m gonna have to relax before getting into what actually beat it out so let’s look at the dishonorable mentions- songs that are fine aside from a couple negative qualities, or ones that are bad, just not bad enough to make a list like this. Think of it like if all these bad songs are tumors on the year-end, these are the benign ones.

DHM. Dance Monkey- Tones And I

YE Position: 14

This song would be perfectly serviceable if it weren’t for that fucking voice

DHM. Intentions- Justin Bieber ft. Quavo

YE Position: 17

It was between this and Savage Love for #10, but hey, at least this didn’t disappoint me.

And before you ask, no, Yummy will not be #1 on this list.

DHM. Yummy- Justin Bieber

YE Position: 58

Hey, I didn’t say it was any good either. What can I even say it’s fucking Yummy by Justin Bieber you know why this is ass.

DHM. Suicidal- YNW Melly ft. Juice WRLD (RIP)

YE Position: 75

This song would have been a solid top 3 contender, and it was for quite a while.

Then the remix came along and complicated everything.

Just for the record, Juice WRLD’s part on this song is fine. It’s not his best, and the fact that it exists at all is in a moral gray area, but I’m not going to shit on him.

Because just about everything I hate about this song was Melly’s doing.

Putting aside the fact that he’s literally killed people, he’s a pretty hit or miss artist for me- and I mean that in the most extreme way possible. Murder On My Mind is a fantastic, haunting piece of music. Mixed Personalities is a rancid mess. 223s was pure fun. Suicidal is… I mean I’ll give it this, it certainly sounds like how suicidal thoughts feel. Melly’s crooning just doesn’t work, and the production offers no reprieve. I’d rather just leave this one alone.

DHM. Sum 2 Prove- Lil Baby

YE Position: 79

I’m really stretching with some of these. This song is perfectly passable. But with how great Lil Baby got out of nowhere this year, Sum 2 Prove just sticks out like a sore thumb.

DHM. Best On Earth- Russ ft. Bia

YE Position: 101(?)

This one just missed the year-end and thank god for that. 2020 will be remembered for so many awful events, but at least it won’t be remembered as the year Russ got a year end hit.

DHM. Only Human- Jonas Brothers

YE Position: 77

Yes, I’m aware this made the year-end last year, and I put it on that year’s worst list, but this one’s only gotten worse with time. If I remade that list today, it would probably be #1. Seriously, it has everything that made Blurred Lines so abhorrent cranked up to 11. The weak ass horn melody sounds like it just got done running a 5k,

the atrocious vocal mixing, and of course, the rapey lyrics.

“Oh, babe, you can’t fool me, your body’s got other plans
So stop pretending you’re shy, just come on and
Dance, dance, dance, dance, oh”

Break out the pudding pops, because we’re on that Cosby shit now.

DHM. All I Want For Christmas Is You- Mariah Carey

YE Position: 67

This one’s in gray because I don’t hate it. How could I it’s great? But this type of music really doesn’t belong on a year-end list. Holiday songs should go back to having their own chart because otherwise they’ll just keep taking year-end spots from new songs that deserve it way more.

DHM. Pop Star- DJ Khaled ft. Drake

YE Position: 66

Yo I don’t care.

DHM. Supalonely- Benee ft. Gus Dapperton

YE Position: 84

This song’s actually perfectly fine for the most part, only reason it made the list is because of… Gus Dapperton? Ok sure whatever. What’s so bad about his verse? Well for starters, his name is Gus Dapperton. Second of all, he’s drenched in autotune and unlike with Benee, it doesn’t add any personality to his voice. I really get the impression that he recorded a verse and it sounded so bad the producers were like “oh god we gotta drown this shit. Give him the autotune. All of it.” But to be absolutely fair to him, he doesn’t take up too much space and, well, he’s not the worst whiteboy “rapper” to get a hit through tiktok this year. Right, where were we? Oh, number 1.

Number 1

Look, it really came down to the wire between this and Falling. But while Falling is a disaster on every level, I can’t say I don’t respect it. And that, I don’t mean hold it in any esteem, it’s the baseline respect I have for any creative ambition. My number 1 though? I don’t believe a bit of motivation went into it beyond a desire to get instagram famous. It’s someone’s shitty wattpad fanfiction brought to music. It is your shitty tumblr blog from when you were 12. It is the sentence “I’m 14 and this is deep”. It is

Powfu.

1. Death Bed- Powfu ft. Beabadoobee

YE Position: 43

Listen, I know a lot of people like this one and that’s totally fine (you might wanna click away though, just a warning), but there was not a single hit this year that pissed me off as much as this one. Why is that? Well, unfortunately I don’t have a 10-page rant like with Te Bote from 2018. The best way to say it is this is the least talented song to touch the hot 100 in a very long time.

What do I mean there? Well first let’s look at our main performer. No not the girl on the hook, this random ass dude, Powfu. He might just be the worst rapper I’ve ever heard. This is gnash-tier levels of shitty white boy rap. Y’know what I can hardly even call this rap, he’s just speaking in a semi-rhythmic cadence. He sounds like the guy who’s like “rapping is just talking right? Yeah I can do that.”

The hook is the most tolerable part of the song, even it got completely butchered from the original and the sample wasn’t even cleared (which is why this song didn’t blow up for about a year), but enough about that.

Let’s look at why he chose this sample:

That is hands down the dumbest-

Okay, lemme back up here. First, I mean, Todd’s interpretation of this song’s meaning was way too charitable. He assumed Powfu, as a songwriter, had even a single clue what the fuck he was doing.

This motherfucker heard Beabadoobee’s “Coffee”- a song which is actually about her partner going through mental health problems and her trying to help them cope, but all that went right over this dude’s head and he was like “oh, the dude’s sleeping. Dying is like sleeping for a long time. I should make a song where instead of sleep, it’s death.” Wow, Powfu, really taking symbolism into uncharted territory, huh? This is the kind of metaphor a 10-year-old who’s only ever heard Simple Plan songs would do for their creative writing unit or whatever the fuck. And probably get an F for, too.

Then there’s Powfu’s own lyrical contributions, which are for the most part just forgettable. Although he falls into the trap of being overly descriptive on the wrong details to the detriment of the narrative as a whole. Take a look at this:

“Cuddle in the sheets, sang me sound asleep, and sneak out through your kitchen at exactly 1:03”

The quirky detail at the end actually fucks up a serviceable lyric because either she didn’t sing you to sleep and you snuck out, or she snuck out of her own house for… some reason.

Look, at the end of the day I do still get why this song might have resonated with some people, especially in times like these, but I just end up feeling insulted that this song got long-lasting stability while so many talented artists fell short of the year-end. That pretty much wraps things up, I’ll probably have a best list out eventually and I’m genuinely excited to talk about all the great music we got this year. See ya.

Fuck it, I’ve got time, let’s do this.

 

2020. Sucks. In terms of pretty much everything except music. Musically, this has been the best year in ages- probably since 2013. There’s just so many legitimately great songs on the charts right now. And I’m not talking 2019 great, where there’s just like 40 very good songs with only maybe 5 of them standing out. Oh right, I forgot to do a best list for 2019. Fuck. Here it is:

1. Pure Water- Mustard & Migos
2. Breathin- Ariana Grande
3. Circles- Post Malone
4. Murder On My Mind- YNW Melly
5. Bad Guy- Billie Eilish
6. Panini- Lil Nas X
7. A Lot- 21 Savage ft. J Cole
8. How Do You Sleep?- Sam Smith
9. Good As You- Kane Brown
10. Suge- DaBaby

Anyway, where was I? Oh right current year. Look, we’re in the midst a pandemic. Bernie dropped out. Things just straight up aren’t fun anymore. All I’ve got right now is my book (probably coming by the end of the summer, depends on how much motivation I can scrape together) and this blog I never use. So let’s talk about some good songs!

…oh right, we have to get through the bad and mediocre stuff first.

20. Memories- Maroon 5

Three decades of Maroon 5. Three fucking decades. I just- there’s nothing to say. This is just a nothing piece of music. I can’t. I mean, at some point this december I’ll have to, but… just get this away from me. Not the worst song I’ve heard all year (Trevor Daniel’s ‘Falling’ exists, after all), but… what’s number 19? Let’s talk about that instead

Bad Tier

19. Intentions- Justin Bieber ft. Quavo

I mean, it’s better than Yummy, for what that’s worth. But is it? Is it really? I mean yeah but they’re pretty much the same song. The only difference is Yummy is an interesting almost funny kind of bad, while Intentions is just boring. Even the guest verse from Quavo just goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve come around on Migos lately, but Quavo’s always been the weakest member. Oh well. I hope the charity music video helped someone, at least.

 

So tiktok-

18. Roxanne- Arizona Zervas

Ok, I’ll admit: this one’s fun for the first 15 seconds. Probably why it blew up on an app for 15 second videos. Like yeah the chorus is fun, catchy, and then the verses hit and then you realize “hey, this guy’s a dick.” The lyrics are basically just slutshaming some girl while at the same time desperately wanting to hook up with her, even going so far as to pay her. What a pathetic story this is. New Mexico Cervix here probably unironically refers to women as “females”. The only consolation is this fratboy Post Malone knockoff won’t see any success beyond this one meme song. I’d better stop talking shit about him now or else he’ll get his dad to sue me or somethin.

Well guys, it finally happened. Drake has done a “how do you do, fellow kids” moment.

17. Toosie Slide- Drake

Even at his worst- his most lazy, his most unlikeable, his most obnoxious, I don’t think I could ever call Drake pandering. Here though, it’s obvious. He tried to make his own tiktok dance- the Toosie Slide. Not to be confused with Futsal Shuffle by Lil Uzi- an actually good song that deserved to be much bigger than it was. I say “tried to” because the toosie slide hasn’t taken off. Tiktok didn’t want it. And these are the same people who made Falling by Trevor Daniel a thing. I mean the most memorable part of the song is the “I can dance like Michael Jack-

 

 

 

 

-son” and that’s only because of the long awkward pause. Close second is “got so many opps I be mistakin opps for other opps.” Also I like to think Drake just wears a ski mask around the house all the time just to feel tougher.

Meh Tier

 

16. Say So- Doja Cat

This is one of those songs I like less and less the more I hear it. It’s really sad that a vocalist as interesting and unique as Doja Cat only started notching hits after teaming up with Professional Piece Of Shit Dr Luke. And I’d argue even putting aside his horrible treatment of other female artists, he still drags this song down. There’s been a lot of songs using this throwback sound lately, and this one does it the worst. It’s just this flavorless haze that weighs the rest of the song down. Doja Cat’s trying on the second verse, at least, but other than that… yeah not much to offer.

Decent Tier

And speaking of talented female rappers wasting their potential-

15. Savage- Megan Thee Stallion

B.I.T.C.H deserved this song’s success. Now that’s a fuckin anthem and a half. Savage, however? It’s fine. Megan still has a ton of personality and her flow’s fine enough, but the production lets it all down. That weak little beat that doesn’t go anywhere can’t carry Megan properly. Let’s get a tiktok challenge going for one of her other songs, please.

 

Good Tier

Yeah, only six songs in and we’ve already reached the good stuff.

14. My Oh My- Camila Cabello ft. DaBaby

DaBaby saves everything. Ok not quite, but that’s kinda true here. Not only is his verse catchy as hell, but it’s also respectful to women. Camila’s not bad here either. She’s doing that playful innocent act, and she does that well. This song just keeps getting better for me, and it would be great tier if not for the mixing on those “my oh my”s. Those could have been integrated better.

 

13. Blueberry Faygo- Lil Mosey

Well this came out of nowhere.

I had this in the great tier at first, but something about it just keeps it from getting there. And that’s probably Lil Mosey. Now I actually like this guy, but this isn’t a beat that works for him specifically. Don’t get me wrong, it still sounds fantastic, but he’s not riding it very well. Either way, this is still a chill fun song that’ll probably be a huge summer hit.

 

 

 

12. Don’t Start Now- Dua Lipa

Oh thank god I finally like a Dua Lipa song. It was so awkward disliking New Rules while everyone else was gushing over it and I’m very glad that scenario isn’t repeating itself here. Good bass, good vocals, good melodies, it’s just solid.

11. Someone You Loved- Lewis Capaldi

Yeah screw yall I still really like this song. Ya gotta respect a piano ballad that goes for a vibe this bleak. Everybody hates on the bridge, but I think it ties the whole experience together. That experience of course being crushing hopelessness and despair. Fun stuff.

Great Tier

Ok, and now we’ve reached the songs that are so great they could make my best of the year list, so I’ll keep my thoughts on each one brief.

10. Life Is Good- Future ft. Drake

I’ve debated this one for a long time, since it’s very clearly two completely different songs smashed together carelessly. With that said, both songs are good. Drake is playing into that darker style that worked on songs like Nonstop and Money In The Grave, and Future’s just having a blast. Let him have his fun. Woo!

9. Adore You- Harry Styles

Really solid pop rock song. Don’t know what else to even say.

 

Also, fish.

8. Heartless- The Weeknd

Blinding Lights is getting all the love right now, but let’s not forget about this banger. This is just Abel cruising in his comfort zone- dark energetic trap beat and lots of hedonism. Never change.

7. I Hope- Gabby Barrett

Wait what!? How did this get in here? I mean I predicted it would be big, but not this big. Definitely not complaining, though. It’s pretty great to see a new female country artist get this much traction, even if it took over a year to get there. This one definitely borrows from Carrie Underwood’s early revenge fantasy songs, and I’d say it does it better than most of those songs did.

 

Oh yeah there’s also a Charlie Puth remix. It’s exactly as good as the original. Doesn’t add, doesn’t detract.

6. The Bones- Maren Morris

Holy shit there’s two female country songs in the top 20. That’s basically unheard of. Granted, this one’s more of an adult-contemporary radio fodder ballad, but it’s very good at that role so I’m not complaining.

5. Circles- Post Malone

Still great after all these months. Get that top 10 record, king. You earned it.

4. Blinding Lights- The Weeknd

Don’t get all mad at me for only putting this at number 4, it’s still a 10/10. Like what is there even to say? Everyone loves this song right? This is my shit whenever I’m driving. Took a while for it to gain traction, but I’m glad it did. And it even hit number 1 before Drake came on with his mediocre garbage. That’s cool.

 

…ok now you can be mad.

3. Hot Girl Bummer- Blackbear

Ok first of all, I’ve never viewed this song as sexist. Aside from the “emo chick” line maybe, there’s nothing to that argument. I’ve always seen it as more of a general “fuck you” to the world. And in times like these, a song filled with such contempt really is needed. And also it sounds perfect.

2. The Box- Roddy Ricch

Ee Ur, bitch. Also easily the best #1 hit in years no that’s not open to debate. It’s so refreshing to see a song as active as this one, constantly evolving, Roddy switches between so many flows and they all sound amazing. I won’t get into the lyrics right now, I’ll just say they’re great. The full essay on why this song’s a masterpiece will be available this December.

So what the hell topped it?

 

1. Everything I Wanted- Billie Eilish

I won’t lie, this has already become one of my all-time favorite songs. I’ve already spoiled the number 1 on my best list, but I don’t really care. I don’t think Billie will ever come close to this again, and that’s completely ok. This really is something special.

 

 

This week totals up to a… 74 out of 100. Wow. That’s just insane. Good job in one category at least, 2020. Keep this up and drop everything else. We’ve suffered enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After 9 months of posting nothing, I am happy to announce that we are, in fact, back in this bitch.

 

2019 was a fucking incredible year for music.

I mean it, this is easily the best year since 2013. Country was explosive, Hip-hop was consistently solid overall with some amazing new talents popping up (side note: this is also the year a bunch of “soundcloud rap” I previously just dismissed clicked with me out of nowhere), pop, rock and edm were… nonexistent, and the few we did get weren’t that good, but hey they can’t all be winners I suppose. Think about it: for new debuts we got Lil Nas X, Billie Eilish, DaBaby and Lizzo- all great! And that’s not even mentioning the unbelievable comebacks- like who the fuck thought Billy Ray Cyrus would ever get another charting song, let alone one of the biggest songs of all time? God, I could just go for hours gushing about all the great music we got this year…

But if you’ll look at the title, you’ll see that I sadly can’t do that. Positivity can wait, because it’s time to give the people what they want- lazy by-the-numbers cynicism and feigned rage. Yaaay! Fun!

I apologize for that, I’ve just been feeling bitter and negative for a long-ass time, and I’m sick of it. That shit sucks, it ruined like the past 3 years of my life. Please note that these are just my opinions no matter what, and it’s totally fine if you disagree. Most of my more extreme reactions are hyperbole, anyway.

Btw I did do a list similar to this one last year, it’s on this website, go check it out, I highkey snapped on a few of those reviews. But opinions do change over time, and this is what that list would look like if it were made today:

1. Te Bote
2. Wait
3. Fefe
4. X
5. Bad At Love
6. Sad!
7. I’m Upset
8. Yes Indeed
9. FRIENDS
10. Gummo

So a couple notable changes. First, I just don’t have it in me to truly despise Gummo anymore. At least it feels like it had some effort put into it. Walk It Talk It and No Brainer were both inoffensive enough to get bumped off in favor of the song threatening your partner with suicide, and Drake bitching about having to pay child support. I was almost going to let Yes Indeed off the hook too, but then I relistened to it, and… it’s still pretty bad.

 

But fuck the past, it’s time to analyze the… more recent… past. Ok that doesn’t work. Fuck it. Top worst hit songs of 2019, starting with dishonorable mentions- some of which I really had to reach for, seriously this year was just so solid. But anyway, here we go-

 

DHM. Leave Me Alone- Flipp Dinero

YE Position: 71

Look, I’m aware this song is absolutely awful in pretty much every way, from Flipp Dinero sounding like if Fetty Wap got addicted to meth to the schizophrenic beat, but sometimes this song’s a big mood, okay? During a very small window of time in March this year, this song was like my fucking anthem. Those were dark days, but they do count for something.

 

DHM?. Baby Shark- Pinkfong

YE Position: 75

 

I don’t actually hate this song at all, but I think we should all take a moment to acknowledge the fact that a song made for literal toddlers made the year-end hot 100. Truly, this was a surreal year.

 

DHM. Please Me- Cardi B & Bruno Mars

YE Position: 37

Remember Finesse? That was a thing last year. I still really like that song. But there’s plenty of reasons why I’m not nearly as fond of Cardi and Bruno’s second collaboration. And part of that may be due to how I’ve lost all good will I had towards Cardi B originally. Even beyond her outing herself as a shitty person, the wide array of new female rappers we got this year pushed her out of the spotlight, and rightly so. But what I usually give Cardi is she does have a distinct personality, which is absent here. Despite the sexual lyrics, this song feels extremely sanitized and safe- it just reeks of desperate corporate execs trying to churn out a big radio hit. Bruno sounds way more assertive than Cardi- which is just wrong- but not in a good way. He sounds like a creepy drunk guy here- not the only time he came across that way this year, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And going back to Finesse for a moment, this production is a massive downgrade. We went from a fun 90’s retro sound to this… deluge of mediocre synths.

DHM. Close Friends- Lil Baby

YE Position: 74

The production on this song is fantastic. It feels so deep and chilled, like a clear beautiful lake.

But Lil Baby is a dick.

 

DHM. Thotiana- Blueface

YE Position: 47

This year had a lot of um… unconventional? songs from random rappers who have already faded from relevancy. Some- like Mo Bamba and Shotta Flow- were pretty good. But then there’s Thotiana- one of those songs I wanted to get into but I just can’t. The whole thing is just too loose and unfocused, it comes across as really sloppy. Blueface isn’t really a bad rapper (despite his gimmick being not rapping on beat, which is just stupid), and he’s done some good stuff, but he’s always going to be remembered for this messy White Frat Boy anthem.

Also, I just thought of something: at least one child has been named Thotiana by this point. Imagine six years from now, first day of kindergarten, the teacher calls for Thotiana while taking attendance, and everyone laughs. This laughing and mockery continues until one day, Thotiana’s had enough. Next thing you know, she’s the first female mass shooter. Wild, huh?

DHM. Speechless- Dan + Shay

YE Position: 35 (how and why)

 

Remember how hyped I was for these guys after Tequila nearly made my best list? Yeah, well one pop crossover later and they lost all that good will. Forget Lewis Capaldi, this is an example of “and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-” abuse. Just a sterile wasteland of a song overall.

 

DHM. Hey Look Ma I Made It- Panic! At The Disco

YE Position: 61

I almost considered giving a mention to High Hopes- aka the Pete Buttigieg song- as well, but while that song is just bland, it never actively gets insufferable, what with the production and the lyrics.

“and if you lose, boo hoo”

“HEY LOOK MA I MADE IT”

Contract testicular cancer and die, Brendon Urie.

 

DHM. 7 Rings- Ariana Grande

YE Position: 7 (lol)

Ariana Grande had an… interesting 2019, to say the least. I mean, this was the year she tried to become black and gay at the same time, all while this song dominated the charts. And her two latest singles completely flopped so… where does she go from here? Hopefully somewhere better, because this really doesn’t work for her. The lyrics and production would all make for an average brag rap song, but Ariana is clearly not a rapper. Hell, she’s not even rapping on this song, she’s just kind of speaking aggressively. With that said, most of the conversation surrounding this song is a complete mess. It’s not all that problematic or harmful to anyone (except maybe the poor “whoever said money can’t solve all your problems must not’ve had enough money to solve em” real classy), and hey, I guess basic white girls need hype songs too. I used to hate this song way more, but now- I suppose things could be worse. And on that note- the top 10.

 

Oh wait I got a couple more

 

DHM. Beautiful- Bazzi ft. Camila Cabello

YE Position: 95

 

I hate this song for what it represents. This should not be on the year-end, and you can’t convince me that this had more of an impact in 2019 than This Is It by Scotty McCreery, Good As Hell by Lizzo, and even Never Really Over by Katy Perry. Mostly I’m just pissed about This Is It. Everything was pointed in its favor, and yet it just missed out nevertheless. See? I even included it on my best list. Had a whole great dramatic intro for it and everything.

But couldn’t I blame one of the other songs blocking it off like Walk Me Home? Sure, but the story gets worse with Beautiful here.

Earlier this year, I did a rankdown on this website called Pulsemusic. Basically I made a bunch of other music nerds rank 50 songs that just missed the 2018 year-end that didn’t have a chance at any other year-ends.

Guess what song I included in those ranks?

Fuck you Delphox. Bitch-ass motherfucking shitcock.

 

DHM. God Only Knows- for KING & COUNTRY

Not a hit- not even close, but it did chart for a couple weeks, and it’s legitimately one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. If I was feeling suicidal and I heard this song, I’d have hung myself before the first verse finished. Yes, it’s that bad. And people call this song therapeutic and emotionally compelling? Ugh.

 

I could write several essays on how horrific that song is, but none of y’all want that. Now let’s do this shit for real.

And just as I was finalizing this list, it turns out that Juice WRLD has died.

Number 10

 

This year, I expect to see songs like Be Alright and Someone You Loved pop up on more than a few worst lists. And I don’t really agree with that. Someone You Loved is just mediocre (when I called it a masterpiece on twitter I was just kidding), and Be Alright… well, you’ll have to wait for the next list to hear my thoughts on that one.

But there was one piece of adult contemporary radio fodder that did piss me off this year.

10. You Say- Lauren Daigle

YE Position: 60

Alright, firstly, just like with Let You Down last year, I feel the need to preface this by saying this supposedly being a Christian song does not matter. I’m not Christian, have no interest in Christian music, and this song doesn’t even explicitly mention God or Jesus, so doesn’t matter really. Just a regular song as far as we’re concerned.

First problem I noticed with this song was the production. It’s the same two piano chords, or notes, or whatever played on loop for the whole song. Actually that kinda reminds me of a certain other song, what was it?

Oh right, this. Good thing I thought about this too, because You Say has so little to it that it’s necessarily to artificially extend this segment by comparing it to another better song. The piano line in Someone Like You is repeated, yes, but it’s actually complex and doesn’t get tiresome 30 seconds in. Someone Like You had Adele’s deep soulful voice, You Say has the complete non-entity that is Lauren Daigle. Someone Like You had a story to tell and a reflective tone, while You Say can be, well, a bit problematic.

“The only thing that matters now is everything you think of me”

Ignoring the close proximity of “thing” and “everything”- which is just technically poor songwriting, that’s… not the best message. This is supposed to be a song about overcoming insecurities, and don’t get me wrong, having people around for support can be very beneficial. However, if you lean on them too much, you won’t start feeling self-positive on your own, and you’ll be left seeking constant validation. And the reason I chose to showcase that line in particular is because it encapsulates the worst implications You Say’s main theme can lead to- your happiness is now dependent on someone else’s view of you. And if they don’t like you anymore? Well, guess it’s back to isolation and depression! Yes, I know that the “you” in this song is probably Jesus, and yes, I know I’m looking too deeply into a song for white christian moms to get lit to, but come on, what else am I supposed to say? “It’s boring”? Well yeah, no shit it’s boring, it’s a fucking insomnia cure. Ugh, that’s all I’ve got. #9?

 

Number 9

This one took a while, but wow does it sour more and more with every listen.

9. Only Human- Jonas Brothers

YE Position: 78

I’ll have to keep this brief; I’ve already promised several people this list would be out three days ago.

First of all: wow y’all really didn’t know how to follow up Sucker huh? Second: I’ve always fucking hated that horn thing.  Y’know, the main part of the beat. Hated it on Suit & Tie, hate it even more here because it never stops. Sounds like asthma. Third:

“Stop pretending you’re shy, just come on and dance dance dance”

Or maybe she’s pretending to be shy (she might not even be pretending) to avoid talking to you. Cause you’re giving her good reason. I’d fuckin avoid you.

There’s more bad lines I could pick apart, but like I said, I’m late on this already. So next song…

 

Number 8

 

Uhhh… top 10 anime crossovers?

8. Baby- Lil Baby ft. DaBaby

YE Position: 84

Ok, what an inexperienced (lazy) critic might dwell on is the title “Hahaha they really named a song with Lil Baby and DaBaby “Baby”.” Yeah sure, it’s kind of a meme-y title, and I doubt the song would’ve been as big under a different name, but it wouldn’t be a problem if the song itself was good.

And guess what? The song’s not good- it’s actually pretty fucking terrible. But before I tear into it, I’d like to exempt DaBaby of any criticism. Look, I love this guy, he’s one of the best new rappers of the past few years, and he is trying on his verse, trying to work with this flaccid cock of a beat. And of course I get why he made this song, the opportunity was too much to pass up. It’s probably the most phoned-in performance I’ve ever heard from him, but he does keep the song from ranking higher. God, I wish Baby Sitter with Offset was a hit instead of this. That shit slaps, go check it out if you haven’t. What was I talking about? Ah yes, the other Infant. The evil twin. The Meg Griffin- where the fuck am I going with this what the fuck-

I’ve said my piece on Lil Baby before with Yes Indeed, and most of that applies here as well. I will at least admit that his verses are catchy in an irritating way, but what use do I have for his tennis-ball sounding ass when Young Thug can do what he does with more range and personality, and put out an album this year? Well, at least Lil Baby can take solace in the fact that he’s not what truly tanks this song. That honor goes to the production. One of the worst beats all year, hands down. It carries no punch and never goes anywhere, just lingering under the vocals, sucking away any impact they might have had. I was joking before, but “flaccid penis” truly is the most fitting comparison here. It actually reminds me a lot of a certain other hit song from last year… what was it?

 

Bruh, if you’re gonna rip off anybody… why would you choose 6ix9ine?

 

But whatever, hardly anyone remembers this exists, never heard it discussed in school or online, so… ultimately it doesn’t matter. If you want a song that could actually have harmful repercussions, we have #7 for that.

 

Number 7

 

 

I said it last year, I’ll say it again here: Drake has the power to give anyone a hit, but he really should be more careful who he props up. In this instance, he brought back everyone’s favorite domestic abuser! So let’s all give this guy as much time and attention as he deserves: none!

7. No- No ft. No

YE Position: 21- I mean No

 

No.

 

Number 6

 

I remember a day- think it was sometime in late January idk that point of my life has just sort of blurred together- when a certain tracklist got leaked for an album I was… relatively interested in. Though the first two singles had me worried, I still had hopes, given this artist’s talent and potential- as well as a consistent track record of “good but not great” albums. But once I saw this song’s title- just the title- no actual audio, my hopes were dashed. And somehow I just knew it would be the next big single.

I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, and this song’s success should have been one of them.

6. Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored- Ariana Grande

YE Position: 36

 

I’ll be honest: part of me does appreciate how up front this song is with its scumminess. It’s not pulling a Treat You Better and claiming to be acting out of genuine love and fear for the other person’s safety: no, Ariana just wants to fuck. Ok, cool. That’s still a shitty thing to do. Lemme be clear: being horny? perfectly fine. I myself am horny quite often. I immediately regret saying that. The point is: nothing wrong with wanting to fuck some random guy- we’ve all been there, I’m sure. Wanting to fuck a guy already in a relationship? I mean I wouldn’t- that does feel kind of underhanded, but if it’s an open relationship and his partner’s fine with it, go ahead, it’s all good. Demanding this guy break up with his girlfriend- who he could potentially be in a long term serious relationship with- just so you can suck his dick for five minutes? Nah, that’s fucked up and selfish.

And I guess she tried to push this as some sort of lesbian anthem? But there’s absolutely no indication of that in the lyrics. Not that it would matter, the song’s toxic and entitled either way- but the only thing that really points towards this is the music video. And even then, it never goes all in, just playing around with the idea and some mild flirting. It even cuts out right before they kiss, because I guess that would’ve been too much. Seriously, who directed this, JK Rowling? It’s about on the same level of shitty half-assed representation. “Ooooh look, these two people of the same gender are HOLDING HANDS and- and- SMILING AT EACH OTHER! How wild!” Yeah, why don’t you shut the fuck up and show an actual gay couple grandma. Or is that too scary for the white suburban moms- the same ones who think Bernie Sanders is the fucking devil.

Anyways, fuck this song. Let’s hope for better lgbt+ representation in the next decade, and better music in Ariana’s next album.

 

Number 5

This is Eyes On You by Chase Rice. It was a minor hit this year, and I would have loved to put it on this list. I’ve been wanting a chance to tear into Chase Rice for years now, ever since his bro-country abomination Ready Set Roll from 2014. He’s been consistently one of the worst acts in country music, just producing the absolute bottom of the barrel every time. Thankfully the public recognized this and blockaded most of his efforts to cross over. Then this song happened, and it managed to just scrape onto the year-end list.

And y’know what? It’s aight. It shows some genuine improvement from the guy, and it makes for decent background noise. Not exactly high praise, I know, and I also know plenty of people hate this song. And y’know what? Fair enough, but this other country song came out the same week that was infinitely worse. And I’m so fucking pissed it managed to make the year end.

 

5. Talk You Out Of It- Florida-Georgia Line

YE Position: 94

I’m not even sure how this one managed to be a hit, it only barely cracked the top 60. I guess once you get on the inside of Nashville, country radio is obligated to push the hell out of your song no matter how worthless and shitty it is. Fun fact: this is the lowest-peaking song to ever make a year-end. We could’ve done a lot better, because now this piece of shit has something to remember it for! But at the rate the charts are going, it probably won’t be long until songs will make the year-end and peak at like 80 or some shit.

Anyways, I hate this song for one simple reason: it’s gross. I know that’s such a vague, nebulous term, but it’s true. The two douches attempt to be romantic, but they just show themselves as lazy assholes. The plot of this song is their girl wants to go out, but whoever it’s from the point of view of (Imma say “Florida”… god wtf does the other guy even do? In this scenarios, does he just stand in the corner and watch them fuck?). I got off topic, shit. Here we go: girl wants to go out, guy just wants to watch tv and fuck, and spends the whole song manipulating her into doing so, all accompanied by some blocky guitar. Yeah, I’m sure this’ll win all the ladies’ hearts. The public never wasted too much time on this shit, and neither will I! Number 4 time!

 

Number 4

 

Bruno, what the hell were you doing this year?

4. Wake Up In The Sky- Gucci Mane ft. Bruno Mars & Kodak Black

YE Position: 51

 

Here’s a song that just got worse with every listen. Hell, every time I thought about it, it soured on me more. And I could waste time talking about the production, but Imma be honest, it’s late right now and I’m tired and I already have enough to say about each of these three individuals as is.

Let’s start with the supposed lead artist on this song: Gucci Mane. But the funny part is, he only has one verse and it’s even shorter than Kodak’s. And that’s nothing new: Gucci Mane is just like this. He’s had two solo hits besides this one: Both and I Get The Bag. With Both- that’s the song title, btw, I’m not addressing both songs at once, I don’t blame you if you forgot it existed. Hell, I did. And that’s the only song of his where he gets more than one verse. What a coincidence that is. I Get The Bag, meanwhile- it’s a decent, average Migos song. Takeoff’s verse is pretty solid, Quavo does fine on the hook, and I think there’s one other rapper here, shows up towards the very end, who was that? Oh right, the SUPPOSED LEAD ARTIST ON THE SONG! What I’m saying is, he’s a complete nonpresence and sounds like a feature even on his own songs. But lack of distinct personality has worked to his benefit- how else could he have kept his career going for  m o r e  t h a n  t e n  y e a r s  w i t h  8 7  a l b u m s  a n d  m i x t a p e s- m o s t l y  r e l e a s e d  w h i l e  i n  p r i s o n. Well, perhaps that’s unfair- nobody actually bought his shit until he got featured on Black Beatles. And here, well he does his usual- fills around 40 seconds with nothing memorable. Great job continuing to build your legacy as hip-hop’s placeholder, my dude.

And as for Bruno…

Ok, I know people have said that once he ran out of throwback material, he’d have no idea what to do with his career, but like- those were supposed to be jokes. Between this and Please Me, I’m… a little concerned about his next album. Like, you okay buddy? Do ya need some time in rehab. You sound drunk- again.

All joking aside, what’s going on here? I don’t know why he delivers his lines like that, but he somehow manages to sound more rapey than the actual rapist. Speaking of-

“I’m so fly don’t need no flight attendant

Big Cuban link don’t need no pendant”

Why does Kodak still have a career? I thought we were done with letting terrible people blow up after 2018 ended. 6ix9ine’s gone and so is X (although that latter case is probably due to other circumstances). And Murder On My Mind was a hit this year too, so… yeah, guess not. Kodak’s still here probably cause Zeze fucking slaps, thanks to the beat, Offset, Travis- basically everything that isn’t Kodak.

But on this song, he might actually fare the best. He at least doesn’t disappoint. His voice sucks as usual, but his flow at least has some energy to it. There’s nothing all that bad about his verse, that is until the end where he tries singing.

“and I finally got my wiiii-iiiii-ings, they make me wanna siiii-iiii-iiing”

Yeah, sir, I’m gonna have to confiscate your wings. Pretty sure they’re against prison regulations anyway. Also, I don’t mean to body-shame, but do you really think going shirtless was the best idea? I mean, you’re out here lookin almost as bad as Juice… nevermind, that would be in bad taste now. He was a talented newcomer who was taken too soon.

Number 3

 

Ok, who’s ready for some bad yeehaw?

No, no, I meant the one that actually belongs on the country charts. Don’t worry though, I’ll be getting to you two in a minute.

 

3. Knockin Boots- Luke Bryan

YE Position: 79

Let’s start with the non-negatives. Luke Bryan’s still an alright singer, and the productions starts out as complete shit, but it gets progressively better throughout the song (the first post-chorus solo not withstanding). By the end, you’re kinda like “aight, I can sorta vibe with this.”

At least you would be if not for the songwriting. As a writer, I just wanna give a bit of advice on gimmicks: you better be damn sure it can hold up. The gimmick in this song is every line involves “blank needs blank”. Can you see where that might get strenuous? Now allow me to over-analyze nearly every single lyric.

“this truck needs a half-tank

these wheels need a two-lane

this radio needs three songs to play

to get me cross town to you”

Ok, ok, fine so far.

“That dress needs to slip off”

We’ve entered sleazy territory, but ok, it’s not that-

“Friday nights need to do

what Friday nights need to do”

what does that-

“that’s the truth.”

What is? What’s the truth? What the fuck are you trying to communicate? Sex? Is that it? ‘Cause that’s not a Friday-night exclusive thing. I mean, my friday night routine is staying up too late posting shit tweets and generally being a sad fuck, and there’s nothin’ sexy about that.

“Yeah birds need bees and ice needs whiskey”

I’ll excuse the first one, but “ice needs whiskey”? Yeah sure, let’s pour alcohol on the icecaps to stop global warming. Thanks Luke Bryan.

“Boys like me need girls like you to kiss me”

Yeah the boys round here… drinkin that ice cold- dammit, why’d you have to remind me of that? Although I’d say we’re just about on that song’s level anyways.

and here’s the kicker-

“boots need knockin-

” knockin boots!”

Worst two seconds of the year. Oh my god. You take a shitty old expression that barely makes sense (why you wearing boots during sex?)

(spent a good 90 seconds of my life on this)

-not only do you use this dumb outdated expression for your fucking dad joke, you then have to rephrase it to “knockin boots”. This is the equivalent of that one friend at the movies who nudges you and says “hahaha get it? get it?” everytime someone says a joke. And you wanna punch em in the face, but you can’t because they’re your friend. With that said, I’d totally punch Luke Bryan in the face.

In case you’re wondering: no, the lyrics don’t get any better from here on out.

“That dance floor needs some me on you”

Bruh, don’t fuck in public. You’ll get in trouble!

“Tip bells need to be rung”

Ok, I agree. Service industry workers need tips to survive, they barely get paid anything.

“and backseats need I want you so bad”

uhhh… I don’t think you meant to say that part out loud. Although in reality, you shouldn’t have said any of this, and probably shouldn’t be allowed to talk to women anymore. Bye.

Number 2

 

Told ya it was coming!

2. One Thing Right- Marshmello & Kane Brown

YE Position: 89

Ok, this – this is where the songs start to genuinely piss me off. Pretty cool that we only got 2 of those this year. Ugh, where should I even begin? How about with this comedic masterpiece?

Lol yeah ok sure buddy.

Alright, but for real now: the lyrics. Some might have a problem with them, because the song’s protagonist kinda sounds like a piece of shit, but nah, it doesn’t go that far for me. People make mistakes, and they can still deserve happiness after the fact. No, my problem is the fact that the writing is clumsy as fuck.

“mama had herself a little devilish child”

(later)

“actin’ like my mama’s little devilish child”

Not good. I dunno what else to say even, just… don’t write songs like this.

and of course, the main line of the whole song.

“I got one thing right-

 

YOU”

*cue shitty drop that we’ll discuss later*

Same problem I mentioned with Knockin Boots. If you’re gonna put all your weight on one or two words at the end of the chorus, you’d better make sure they can carry said weight. And the tone makes this line come off not as sincere, but more douchey and self-congratulatory.

 

But despite all that I just said, I don’t actually care about any of that. Nah, the real culprit here is Mr Stupid Generic Dumb Lazy Hack- I mean Marshmello. Electronic music basically disappeared from the charts this year- for a variety of different factors, I’m sure- but y’know what? Imma put all the blame on him. We could’ve gotten that Kygo/Whitney Houston song on the year-end, but no, we get this shit instead. Up until recently, Marshmello has been a mixed bag for me. Silence from 2017 is still a legitimately great song, and I even kinda liked Here With Me from earlier this year. On the other hand, there’s his hits Happier (death through overexposure), F-R-I-N-D-S (just terrible), and this… abomination. At least with Friends, not all the blame was on him. Here, it’s all his fault. Now comes the part where I try to pick apart the song’s production while pretending like I know what I’m talking about.

The song opens with a simple enough rough acoustic guitar. Not the worst thing ever, although it does feel like it’s trying a bit too hard at sounding authentic. You got a guitar. Congratulations. But immediately this ends up being a problem, because immediately afterwards the synthetic snaps and percussion are thrown in. Already everything’s clashing. It gets worse on the prechorus, where we get the addition of a loud popping sound and this formless squeaking synth cutting in and out.

But then the drop. Oh my god the drop. People have said that Marshmello’s drops are formulaic, and yeah I can hear it. But at least with something like Happier, the tones used were bombastic and uplifting, not sour and ugly like this is. Seriously, what is this bleep-bloop shit? On top of sounding awful, it clashes with literally everything else in the mix. The acoustic-to-electronic switch up has been done before. Hell, one of my favorite songs of all time- Wake Me Up by Avicii- does this. But if Wake Me Up is the best possible outcome of this idea, One Thing Right has to be the worst. Usually the worst I can say for an electronic song like this is that the producer didn’t try, but here it’s so bad I feel like Marshmello had to put in effort to make it sound this horrific.

Oh my god, I didn’t even get to the worst part! The bridge. Literally only about three seconds of music, and it’s enough to put me in a bad mood. The guitar is far too heavy and leaden, and everything else slows around it, it’s like being trapped in a collapsing building, I just- let’s just get to #1 before I hurt somebody or myself.

 

Number 1

 

Ugh, this is not gonna be easy.

I say that not only because of the song itself, but also because if any of you remember that top 20 ranking I did almost a full year ago at this point, I actually said I liked this song, and considered it a real step in the right direction for the artist behind it. But one day this song’s awfulness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew I had to put it on the list somewhere, I just didn’t think it would be all the way at the top. But this song’s inescapable nature was what sealed its fate, and despite some late competition from the likes of One Thing Right and Knockin Boots-

 

Yeah, this position could only ever belong to Halsey. Because with this song, she more than earned it.

1. Without Me- Halsey

YE Position: 3 (why tho?)

 

Let’s start with the part that blinded me to this song’s awfulness for a good while- the production. I liked the atmosphere. And I still like bits of it- that wind-tunnel synth sounds pretty cool. But the rest of it hasn’t held up. Especially the snare percussion being too loud, popping out of the mix. It sounds unprofessional. The pitch-shifted backing vocals are difficult to notice, but once you start hearing them they won’t stop tormenting you, and everything else is just… nothing. I don’t even know how to describe it, it just… exists.

So of course, when a song’s lacking in production, the focus is shifted to the vocals and lyrics, right? First of all, Halsey’s singing isn’t the worst she’s ever done- she’s not straining her voice like on Bad At Love, but I mean at least that was something. She sounds like she could not give less of a shit here, which just makes her come across as disingenuous on what’s supposed to be an emotionally charged song.

Oh right, let’s talk about those emotions. This song is allegedly about Halsey’s relationship with G-Eazy. Let’s hear it.

“Found you when my heart was broke

I filled your cup until it overflowed”

Alright, when you met him, he wasn’t doing so good, you made him feel better. That’s all good, pretty wholesome. Where does this go?

“Took it so far to keep you close”

Ehhhhh… define “so far”.

“I was afraid to leave you on your own”

Like in a more broad sense or literally? Because one is just inherent to relationships and the other is creepy.

“And then I got you off your knees

Put you right back on your feet

Just so you could take advantage of me”

Ok, that sucks. Yeah, I’m on your side now.

 

“Tell me how’s it feel

Sittin up there

Feelin so high

But too far away to hold me”

I’d… assume he’s fine. Isn’t he the one that dumped you?

“You know I’m the one who put you up there”

G-Eazy had 2 hits before you came along, Halsey. Like, I’m assuming that’s who you’re referring to. Him & I wasn’t even that big.

“Does it ever get lonely

Thinking you could live without me?”

Oh

Oh no

And just like that, so many ugly attitudes bubble up to the surface. 1) guilt-tripping. The chorus was guilt-trippy before, but it culminates in these lines. 2) narcissism. He can live without you just fine. 3) psychological abuse. You’re trying to make him feel dependent, like he needs you or else he won’t survive. This is actually a common tactic in abusive relationships: the abuser makes their partner too insecure to leave them. God, maybe this line from Him & I wasn’t a joke.

Hey G-Eazy is your penis ok? Just checking.

“Gave love about a hundred tries

Just running from the demons in your mind

Then I took yours and made them mine

I didn’t notice cause my love was blind”

I-

wow, there’s a lot to unpack there. First, we’ve already established that this is guilt-tripping. And while these lines follow the same pattern of abuse seen in the chorus, except worse because she’s now dragging Gerald’s mental health issues and addiction into this. And with the tragic deaths of artists like Juice WRLD and Mac Miller due to drugs, these lines become all the more horrific. Halsey frames it like she was just too innocent to understand how dark and twisted G-Eazy’s mind was- a completely backwards understanding of mental health that we should definitely be past in almost 2020. That’s not to say you can’t leave someone who’s in a bad mental state- if it’s too much of a burden on you, that’s fine. But to view it in such a spiteful way and project mental issues in this light on your #1 hit song is just disgraceful.

“You don’t have to say

Just what you did

I already know”

Interpolating a classic 2000s song in a way that makes zero sense in the context of the song’s narrative. Good job. Like what, are you calling him out for cheating? If so, why would he bring that up? And ok, he cheated on you. That’s bad. I’ll give you some sympathy there. If you want to write a song about getting cheated on, write that song. Don’t come in here with this fucking savior narrative where you just tried your best to rescue him but he was too far gone. Fuck. Off.

It’s such a shame that we almost let this incredible diverse year be defined by the stale leftovers of all of 2018’s worst aspects- dreary sound, toxic lyrics and all that other good stuff. I’m eternally grateful that Sunflower and Old Town Road blocked this from being the biggest song of the year. Next time I’ll be discussing the best of this year, so be prepared for that. I got a lot of shit going on in the meantime, but I’m hoping to drop that list on Christmas day. See you all next time.

Unpopular opinion time: 2011 was a pretty weak year for music. I’m not saying it was a bad year, exactly, but of the three years I’ve covered so far, it’s the one I’d want to return to the least. The club boom of the past few years was being phased out, but not much came in to replace it, leaving us with a lot of mediocrity. Granted, there were enough legitimately amazing songs that became hits this year to keep it from becoming too unbearable. But with that being said, here’s the worst that this mediocre year had to offer, starting with some dishonorable mentions.

 

 

DHM. Stereo Hearts- Gym Class Heroes ft. Adam Levine

YE Position: 36

I can’t exactly find much wrong with this song, which kept it off the list, but if I ranked these songs by how little I wanted to hear them ever again, this would be in the top two.

 

DHM. She Ain’t You- Chris Brown

YE Position: 89

This song is redeemed slightly by the bright, catchy production (which I’m pretty sure is sampled, but I don’t feel like checking), but aside from that, this is trash. And that mostly comes down to the subject matter, where Chris Brown wants to go back to his ex, while showing exactly how he views these two women, from the fact that said women are different and individuals being a shocking revelation to him, to him describing how he wishes he could just “trade in” his current girlfriend. Just… god, what a terrible person. But, considering some of his past actions, I guess you could call this progress. Good job, you piece of shit!

 

DHM. Just Can’t Get Enough- The Black Eyed Peas

YE Position: 10

This song doesn’t exist and you can’t convince me otherwise. It was the tenth biggest song of the year, I’ve probably heard it countless times, but… all I remember is a bad interpolation of Kanye West’s “Heartless” and that’s it.

 

Wait, what are we talking about again? Oh, that’s right, Luke Bryan.

 

DHM. Country Girl (Shake It For Me)- Luke Bryan

YE Position: 81

 

Ah yes, Luke Bryan’s first hit song, and… look, the title sort of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Some decent production and singing can’t save the unbelievably asinine nature of the lyrics. This song has the line “shake it for the crickets and the critters and the squirrels”, like, who thought this was a good idea? And I especially love how the video tries to turn the song into female empowerment. It’s just hilariously pathetic and worthless all around.

 

And we go from one song that conveys all its awfulness in the title…

 

to another.

 

DHM. Tonight (I’m Fucking You)- Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris

YE Position: 16

 

This is mostly here just for the title, but some credit has to go to the sleazy, compressed production. Eh, at least it has a pretty decent Ludacris guest verse, even if he has the line “lemme see them pants”. Like, my dude, the song is called “Tonight I’m Fucking You” I don’t you don’t need to censor yourself.

DHM. Crazy Girl- Eli Young Band

YE Position: 76

 

I know this may seem like an outlier, but trust me it earned its spot. The production is a muddy mess of instruments trying to sound romantic, and the lyrics. Ugh. For a song about how much you supposedly love this girl, you sure do spend a lot of time insulting her. “Yeah, I obviously love you. You idiot. You freaking dumbass. You braindead slut”.

 

DHM. Pretty Girl Rock- Keri Hilson

YE Position: 70

I mean this sound fine enough, even if the drums are a little too stiff, but these lyrics are too much. I could just say I hate them for the blatant and excruciating narcissism, but that’s not entirely it. These lyrics maybe could’ve worked with a more forceful and charismatic singer, but Keri Hilson doesn’t really have any personality, so it just falls flat at convincing the listener. And Keri just comes across as self-centered and delusional as a result.

 

Also wait hold up is that a goddamn confederate flag in the music video? What the fuck?

DHM. Rocketeer- Far East Movement ft. Ryan Tedder

YE Position: 58

 

Y’know, say what you want about Like A G6, at least it had a unique sound. This is just some of the most generic pop rap in a year full of generic pop rap. All three verses are too short to leave any impact, and Ryan Tedder is stretching his falsetto to a painful extent. Yeah, there’s a reason Far East Movement are remembered as the one-hit wonders behind Like A G6. Their second hit just wasn’t worth it.

 

DHM. Motivation- Kelly Rowland ft. Lil Wayne/

In The Dark- Dev

YE Position: 53/83

 

These share a spot for one reason: both try to be sexy, but just end up sounding creepy and unnerving. If I had to pick one, though, I’d keep Motivation on the list. At least In The Dark has that catchy sax riff. Motivation is just awful from start to finish.

 

DHM. Cheers (Drink To That)- Rihanna

YE Position: 77

Not the worst song Rihanna’s ever made, but certainly the most boring and uninspired

 

DHM. Hold It Against Me- Britney Spears

YE Position: 63

I honestly could’ve put any of Britney’s three hits this year in this slot, they’re all pretty similar. The only reason I gave the edge to this one in particular is because of the awkward tonal shifts between the verses and the chorus- from heavy and sleazy to airy and lightweight. It just doesn’t flow smoothly enough. Oh, and that cursed fucking bridge. No wonder her career flamed out into irrelevance in the years to come shortly after.

DHM. Price Tag- Jessie J ft. BoB

YE Position: 93

 

So if you couldn’t already tell, the message of this song is “money doesn’t buy happiness”. And I agree with that. But it’s nothing new. And when Jessie J tries to paint herself as the only one standing up to a materialistic culture, that’s where the problems come in. It’s easy to say money doesn’t matter when you have enough of it, but try telling that to any minimum-wage worker struggling to pay rent. And then there’s the lines about how the music industry is all “low blows and video hoes”, and nothing makes me stop taking you seriously quite like some “wrong generation” bullshit. So as social commentary, this works about as well as Chained To The Rhythm did. Still, the inoffensive production and decent guest verse from B.O.B managed to keep this off the list.

 

HM. I’m On One- DJ Khaled ft. Drake, Lil Wayne & Rick Ross

YE Position: 47

 

This is mostly here for that terrible synth, but it’s not like the verses are much better. Especially with these two lines:

“have you ever made love to the woman of your dreams

In a room full of money out in London, then she screams?”

No. I haven’t. Because that is probably the most oddly specific flex I’ve ever heard.

“Put an end to your world, like the Mayans”

Oh.

But a pretty solid hook and verse courtesy of Drake saved this song from making the list proper. And speaking of that, I think it’s time we get into that.

 

Number 10

 

For a little context, I’d like to introduce you to Fast Lane by Bad Meets Evil- the collaboration between Eminem and Royce Da 5’9. And despite a few…questionable lyrics, I honestly love this song. The bars are pretty great (with a few obvious exceptions). But more importantly, it’s just filled to the brim with energy and intensity. However, this did not become the big hit off that project, no, instead we got this.

 

10. Lighters- Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars

YE Position: 34

 

Zzzzz… wha? Oh sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep there. Get it? Because this song is so

B O R I N G?

Haha, I know. Comedy genius right here. No, but seriously, this is the worst possible sound an Eminem song could have. Maybe that’s why Revival was such a terrible album. It was basically just Lighters 16 times along with 1 failed attempt at racial commentary. But back to this lifeless piece of shit. Bruno’s hook is passable enough, but something about the melody just rubs me the wrong way. And of course the production is limp and gutless, to the point where it manages to suck any intensity Eminem or Royce bring to the table.

And for a song supposedly about enjoying your success, the tone set in the verses is surprisingly bitter and harsh. And that goes for both Em and Royce’s deliveries, and the actual lyrics themselves.

“Had a dream, I was king. I woke up, still king”

Ok, admittedly, that line’s pretty-

“this rap game’s nipple is mine for the milking”

So of course you follow it up with that.

“Pardon me if I’m a cocky prick, but you cocks are slick”

Haha, dicks. Hey guys, aren’t dick jokes so funny? Isn’t this just peak comedy right here?

“I came up 5’9, but I feel like I’m 6’8”

We all know the only reason you went with “6’8” is because it rhymed with the last line. And for some reason that really bothers me.

Royce’s part has far fewer embarrassing lines, but it still has this.

“You’re goin’ down on somethin’ you don’t wanna see, like a hairy box”

Just… why?

Failing at everything you wanted to accomplish AND disappointing me? What a way to kick off the top 10.

 

Number 9

 

It’s kinda weird that out of all the disney stars turned singers, Selena Gomez has had the longest successful career. She had her first hit- Naturally- in 2010, and it’s a surprisingly great song.

 

So of course the song she released immediately after was complete shit.

9. Who Says- Selena Gomez & The Scene

YE Position: 78

 

For the most part, this isn’t a bad song- on a musical level at least. Yeah, the violins are a little too sappy and the na na na’s on the prechorus are pretty annoying, but no, most of my problems come down to the content. Well, looks like it’s time to nitpick lyrics again.

“You made me insecure

told me I wasn’t good enough

but who are you to judge

When you’re a diamond in the rough?”

What? You do realize you just complimented whoever’s putting you down, right?

“I’m sure you’ve got some things

You’d like to change about yourself

But when it comes to me

I wouldn’t wanna be anybody else”

You’re insecure, but I’m not. I’m very secure, everyone. Please believe me.

Then for some reason the focus switches to empowering the listener. Which I’d be fine with if the “you” pronoun wasn’t used throughout the first verse to refer to the people making her life worse. Also, this line on the hook:

“Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting?

Trust me, that’s the price of beauty”

Yeah no. This actually clashes with the song’s message of self-love. “You have to go through pain to become beautiful” fuck off with that. Even fucking Scars To Your Beautiful had the sense to condemn that mindset.

The 2nd verse is actually pretty good. I actually completely relate to it. Probably the only thing saving this song from being higher. Don’t have anything good to say about this bridge, though.

“Who says you’re not star potential?

Who says you’re not presidential?

Who says you can’t be in movies?

Listen to me, listen to me

Who says you don’t pass the test?

Who says you can’t be the best?”

Now you’re just listing off positive accomplishments.

“Would you tell me who said that?

Yeah, who said?”

What the fuck are you gonna do, hunt them down? “Yes, please give me the name, address and a brief description of the person who said that to you”.

Part of me does feel a little bad for tearing this song apart, as it apparently means a lot to Selena Gomez and was written based on her life experiences. But the writing is also convoluted and sloppy as hell, with one irredeemable line in the chorus, so this made the list regardless. <Insert joke about me saying the song isn’t perfect here>.

Number 8

 

Boy, this sure is a song that exists.

 

8. No Hands- Waka Flocka Flame ft. Wale & Roscoe Dash

YE Position: 45

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have put this on the list. I have literally nothing of value to say about it.

The horns on the chorus are too loud and blaring to be enjoyable, in addition to just being plopped on top of the mix. The rest of the production isn’t worth caring about.

And what about the three rappers? Well, Waka’s verse sucks because of his sluggish braying delivery. Wale and Roscoe Dash are both serviceable at best, but their flows are just really uninteresting.

So, uh, yeah… bad song. I don’t like  it.

 

Next?

 

 

Number 7

 

 

Did you know that Kidz Bop had a hit song? Well, they actually didn’t, but this next song is pretty much the same thing.

 

7. Tonight Tonight- Hot Chelle Rae

YE Position: 32

 

It baffles me that this was even a hit in the first place. I mean, this sounds like the theme to a rejected Disney channel sitcom, not an actual single that got radio airplay. I’m actually finding it difficult to even critique this it’s so bland. The production is some of the most sterile shit imaginable, the lyrics are basically every single party cliche that doesn’t have a naughty word, and the lead singer has this terrible flat monotone to his delivery. Especially when he says “la la la, whatever”. Like, did anybody involved even care? But there are a couple lines that do stand out.

“Woke up with a strange tattoo

Not sure how I got it not a dollar in my pocket

And it kind of looks like just like you

Mixed with Zach Galifianakis”

Uhhhhhh… okay then.

“Woah, all you singletons

Oh, even the white kids”

Bitch what the fuck is that supposed to mean?!

I’ve seen some people be a lot harsher towards this song, even going as far as to put it at the top of their worst lists. And while I do kind of see why, ultimately it’s too tepid and inoffensive to get worked up over. But don’t worry, I’ll definitely get pissed off at this next song!

 

Number 6

 

Shut the fuck up Chris Brown

6. Look At Me Now- Chris Brown ft. Busta Rhymes & Lil Wayne

YE Position: 21

 

Let’s start with this hellscape of a beat. This feels unfinished. The verses are empty except for that stupid whistling that bounces up and down at a nauseating pace and some percussion I think. The chorus is even worse, with a nasal garish synth bleeding over everything.

Chris Brown rapping. I should just leave it at that, you’d get the message. He doesn’t sound threatening or imposing at all (which is especially bad since it’s Chris fucking Brown, the violent abuser). And he ends his second verse by telling everyone to “say hi to his dick”. Busta Rhymes then hijacks his verse and… ok his part is kind of awesome, not gonna lie. Wayne’s verse is just mediocre, but he’s still miles ahead of Chris Brown.

Chris tried to make himself cool after two years of being hated by everyone, and all he did was make his features look better in comparison. And I’m happy about that. Say hi to your own dick, scumbag.

 

 

Number 5

 

 

When thinking back to popular acts in the early 2010s, most people won’t remember this duo.

 

That’s probably for the best

5. Backseat- New Boyz ft. Dev

YE Position: 84

 

If it weren’t for the hook, which is actually alright despite the obnoxious vocal pitch-shifting and painful production (which we’ll get to in a minute), thanks to a catchy melody and… fine enough vocals from Dev, this would rank much higher on the list, because oh my fucking god.

Let’s start with the production. What is even going on here. There’s a flat beeping synth that just jumps up and down the scale, handclaps that are way too loud and actively beating up the drums, another loud grinding synth, and some screeching sound. There’s too many clashing sounds going on that I have no idea how anyone could possibly dance to this.

And then we have the New Boyz themselves. Not only can they barely rap, but they also sound like complete douchebags. Lovely. And trust me, I didn’t want to do an in-depth lyrical analysis of a song where the lyrics aren’t really the focus, but I kind of have to in this case.

“Camaro, long stick, she just tryna fuck comfortably”

Are- are you supposed to be the Camaro? Because all I’m getting from that is the mental image of a girl riding a stick shift.

“She like my orange Camaro, she said let’s ride up and trick-or-treat”

Ok, let’s assume that in the last line, New Boy 1 was the Camaro. What the fuck does that make this line? I’m not even gonna touch that one.

“Like damn girl, damn girl, you fucks’n with the man, girl (x2)”

And this right here is just padding.

But that verse was just a warm-up, because here comes the second guy.

“I noticed you because your friends is freakin’ star-struck”

So you noticed her because her friends were hot? I don’t think that’s how it works.

“And you got more of that, how you say it? Shy swag”

S h y  s w a g

“Oh you a good girl? It’s cool I play pretend too”

Wait for it-

 

“Heard you had a baby, you want a New Boy in you?”

 

NO. 

That has to be the worst pick up line of all time. I mean I know its a play on their name, but the implication is still there, and it’s horrifying. “Hey what up girl I’m gonna fucking impregnate you”. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

While this isn’t as bad as You’re A Jerk or maybe even Tie Me Down, it still makes me glad that these guys split up a year later, never to be heard from again.

 

Also, fun fact, New Boyz and Hot Chelle Rae made a song together!

Why tho?

 

Number 4

 

Y’know what? Say what you want about Luke Bryan, at least his song wasn’t mind-numbingly boring with an extra layer of condescension and smug superiority.

 

In other words, fuck Jason Aldean.

4. Dirt Road Anthem- Jason Aldean

YE Position: 43

 

In case I hadn’t made this clear: I hate this guy. He’s a shell of a performer who’s managed to sustain a career for over ten years thanks to industry promotion and radio overplay. And while he’s made a few good songs, most of what he churns out ranges from boring filler to revolting garbage. Guess which category this falls into.

This is Jason Aldean’s biggest ever hit, for… some reason. Also the worst. Let’s start with the lyrics.

“You better mind your business man, watch your mouth

Before I come knock that loud mouth out”

Hahaha ok. This just comes out of nowhere. He goes from reminiscing about his childhood immediately to beating up people who gossip. Is there some stuff you’re tryna hide buddy?

“I’m tired of talkin man, y’all ain’t listenin

Them old dirt roads are what y’all’re (???) missin”

You can’t force people to feel nostalgic, especially about dirt roads they’ve never even been on. There are so many ways to write a good song about your past, and this ain’t it.

“I sit back and think about them good ol’ days

The way we were raised in our southern ways

And we liked cornbread and biscuits

And if it’s broke round here, we’d fix it

I can take y’all where you need to go

Down to my hood back in them woods

We do it different round here, that’s right

But we do it real good, and we do it all night”

 

Y’know what? Why continue when I could just sum up my feelings towards these lyrics with one image:

(yes, I know Jason Aldean isn’t technically a boomer, I don’t care)

 

And the problems don’t end in the “back in my day” bullshit. Jason Aldean rapping on the verses was definitely a mistake, and his singing is, as always, decent, but lacking any emotion or personality. And then the production is a mess of leaden, muddy guitars and drums that are a complete non-presence. Overall, this is just the musical equivalent of getting lectured by your grandpa. And Jason Aldean was only 34 when he made this like what the fuck. Kids these days, am I right?

 

Number 3

 

 

Remember the Maroon 5 super bowl halftime show? Didn’t it suck? I can’t say for sure, considering how much the radio loves them, but I think it could’ve ended their careers. Wouldn’t be the first time a bad halftime performance killed off a group’s career. Just look at what happened to the black eyed peas.

Or maybe that had more to do with this song.

3. The Time (Dirty Bit)- The Black Eyed Peas

YE Position: 37

Just… why?

You might think this is only here for the butchered sample. No, not really. The transition into the ugly, fuzzy drop is jarring, but more because it’s out of place and mishandled, not because it’s “sacrilege of a classic song” or anything. But even if the sample doesn’t fit well at all, that might be a good thing because everything around it is so much worse.

I already mentioned the production, but I’m gonna do it again. The mix is incredibly barren, with just the alternating fuzzy, glitchy synth and the uncomfortable squealing synth rising that just keeps going up. It makes me feel like my skin is dissolving. As for the verses? Well, none of them are good. At all. But I’ll let Will and Fergie off the hook.

Because Apl’s verse gives me more than enough to work with.

“A-all these girls like my swagger, they callin me Mick Jagger”

Why the fuck was rhyming “swagger” with “Mick Jagger” an actual trend?

“We ain’t messin with no maggots”

You better not do it.

“Messin with the baddest”

You’re on thin fuckin ice, Mr Apple.

“Mirror mirror on the wall

Who’s the baddest of them all?”

Not you!

“I’m the mack daddy, y’all”

Calling yourself the “mack daddy” to look cool in 2011

“Ladies, download your ap,

I’m the party application, rockin just like that”

You want the ladies to “download you”. Uhhh… ok. Hopefully they don’t download any viruses as well.

After this, the Black Eyed Peas’ only other hit was that one song I put in the dishonorable mentions that doesn’t exist. What a great ending to their careers!

 

Number 2

 

 

 

Well, you all knew this was coming.

2. Sexy And I Know It- LMFAO

YE Position: 57

 

Just like the last song, what is there to even say at this point? After the massive success of Party Rock Anthem, LMFAO needed something to capitalize on that popularity (which was a shame since that was their only not terrible song), so they chose this because pandering. If it weren’t for the title, this would never have gotten as big as it did, I guarantee it.

And before you say it, yes, I know it’s meant to be a joke. The joke is that they’re not actually sexy, and… that’s it. No payoff, just a setup. Unless you count the “wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah” part, which I don’t. And beyond that ONE joke, there’s really nothing worth remembering. The production is especially grating, with that one clunky synth loop that keeps drilling itself into your skull. It actually reminds me a lot of Birthday Cake, now that I think about it. Yeah, just wait til I get to 2012, that song’ll be getting a Te Bote-style review.

But back on the subject of Sexy And I Know It, fuck Sexy And I Know It. Completely irredeemable, one of the worst songs to hit #1 of the 2010s, and we’ve still got one song left to go.

 

 

Number 1

 

 

Let’s talk about the club boom. From 2008 to 2011, the pop music scene was dominated by dance club music. And like with every music trend, we got some good and some bad. But as I mentioned in the beginning, 2011 was when the club boom started to die down. Some people would point to Adele as the main cause of this, and I’d probably agree. But I feel like my #1 choice for this list had to have played a part in all this. And the worst part is, it came from two of the biggest figureheads of the movement, teaming up, and creating a song I can barely believe exists.

Pitbull, T-Pain, what happened?

 

 

1. Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor)- Pitbull ft. T-Pain

YE Position: 39

 

Let’s just make one thing clear: I do not hate either of these people. They’ve both made a decent number of songs I’ve liked, and I’ll even be highlighting that in my next list. And of course, both of them are at their best when they’re loose and fun with production to match. Well, needless to say, that’s not the case here.

Let’s start with the main offender- the production. This sounds fuzzy and unrefined, while also being too dark, pounding and blaring to work in a club environment. Oh, and the melody is just two notes droning over and over. And it’s at odds with the awkward, popping percussion. Unpleasant sound, aborted melody, clashing instruments. Just a nightmare on all front.

Now for our lead artists. Pitbull’s always been sleazy, but usually he can balance that with a sense of fun. Not here. His contributions to the hook feel like some guy’s drunken advances, and his verses are like said drunk guy proceeding to throw up everywhere. There’s nothing cohesive or right about his verses. A rhyme scheme is there, but none of the rhyming words are in the right places. Just look at this.

“Dade county, self paid, self made, millionaire

I used to play around the world, now I’m around the world, gettin paid”

 

Like, what is that? But T-Pain doesn’t fare any better. He sounds like all his personality was forcibly removed, so now he’s just a shell of autotune. His hook is also incredibly excruciating to listen to, as it just keeps going for like three fourths of the song. But is all that worth placing this song at #1 over Sexy And I Know It or The Time (Dirty Bit)? While I’d actually say I hate those other two songs more, Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor) is the perfect representative of the worst side of the club boom, as well as a massive heap of wasted potential that gets absolutely nothing right. Atrocious song, I can see why everyone (including Pitbull and T-Pain) has let this fade into obscurity, and I’d be just fine with keeping it that way.

 

That’s my worst list, stay tuned for the best of 2011, I’ll see you all then. Bye.

 

 

I said 2013 was a phenomenal year for music, and now I’m going to prove it. Even with extending the list to a top 20, there were still a surprisingly large number of painful cuts. After all, I consider over half of this year-end to be at least good, if not great. But I narrowed it down to just songs in the great tier (which still left me with a shit ton of choices), but this was the final result, starting off with the long list of honorable mentions (warning: some of these will piss you off)

 

HM. Catch My Breath- Kelly Clarkson

YE Position: 68

Admittedly this style is nothing new or special from Kelly Clarkson, but the melodies here are definitely more fleshed out than her other stuff from this era, making it easy to get stuck in your head, but not to the point where it annoys you. The lyrics, surprisingly, do a lot of the heavy lifting, describing her struggle for creative independence against her label. It’s a relatable topic for many artists, and many other songs have done this idea better, but it still gets its message across, and easily stands out as one of Clarkson’s best songs.

HM. Runnin Outta Moonlight- Randy Houser

YE Position: 98

Here’s proof to country elitists that bro country can be done right. The song’s all about Randy Houser showing up at his girlfriend’s house at midnight because it’s a beautiful night and he wants to share it with her. It doesn’t come off as anything but genuine and nice. Meanwhile, the song is supported by Houser’s deep, rich voice and loud, stomping production. Definitely a song I’m not afraid to admit that I really like.

 

But if you want a bro country song I am embarrassed for liking-

HM. That’s My Kind Of Night- Luke Bryan

YE Position: 78

So this is completely ridiculous. Nearly everyone has thrashed it thoroughly as one of the worst songs of the year, and I used to be with them. Then I started to think this song was so bad it was hilarious and I began to like it ironically. And then, all of a sudden, I started finding things to like. Something about how fully this song embraces every bit of stupidity in its lyrics and just has fun with it eventually won me over. Yes, the lyrics are almost to the level of Boys Round Here, but instead of just throwing those cliches out there and hoping they connect, Luke Bryan has the common sense to turn them into something, and to then sell them perfectly with charisma and lively production. If you wanted a song that manages to take all the worst aspects of bro country and turns them into something that’s actually pretty great, I’d point you to this song, and only be a little ashamed of myself for doing so.

HM. The Other Side- Jason Derulo

YE Position: 66

 

Jason Derulo’s a weird artist for me. He keeps putting out songs I either like or love, despite not being a very good performer. With that said, he’s clearly putting his all into this one. The production definitely helps, with the gentle guitar on the verses slowly building into the wonderful explosion of synths on the chorus. And yeah, the lyrics may be a little sappy, but who cares? Just an insanely fun, catchy song that even Jason Derulo’s biggest haters don’t seem to mind.

HM. I Need Your Love- Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding

YE Position: 56

I’ve been able to defend myself pretty well so far, even with fucking That’s My Kind Of Night. But here- I kind of can’t. There’s not really anything wrong here, but there’s no particular element that makes it stand out from the rest of the edm popular at the time. I guess the best reason I can come up with is the song just sounds very upbeat and positive, with Ellie Goulding’s ecstatic vocal performance and the energetic bounce of the glitchy drop. It’s not close to either artist’s best work- but especially with the mainstream edm scene right now, I’ll always enjoy returning to this.

HM. Berzerk- Eminem

YE Position: 67

Ok, I don’t understand how you can go from this to the dull sludge on Revival one album later. Now I’m sure some little 12 year old white boys (aka around 80% of Eminem fans), would argue that this isn’t lyrically clever enough, making it one of Eminem’s worst songs. But, like, that’s clearly not the point. It’s just meant to be a wild party song, you stupid little boy.

 

…I’m arguing with imaginary children, what the fuck am I doing with my life. Anyway, the distorted samples and Eminem’s aggressive flows help to make this one of the most out-of-control and awesome songs of the entire year. However, another song did what this one did even better, so I couldn’t put it on the list.

 

HM. Heart Attack- Demi Lovato

YE Position: 50

I’ve never liked Demi Lovato all that much. No matter what she does, it just ends up missing the mark for me. Give Your Heart A Break was fine, but unmemorable, Cool For The Summer tried to sound dark and epic but ended up with way too much of the former, and Sorry Not Sorry… just wait for whenever I make a worst of 2017.

 

But then there’s Heart Attack. The mix of guitar and dubstep-inspired synths sounds perfect, sounding intense but not overwhelming. The songwriting is also quite compelling, describing how terrifying it can be to really fall in love, which Demi Lovato manages to sell perfectly. Wish Demi Lovato was like this more often, because she definitely has it in her.

 

HM. Mama’s Broken Heart- Miranda Lambert

YE Position: 89

In a year filled with so much bro country, a song like this one really stands out. The premise is that Miranda Lambert is acting out after a breakup, and her mother calls her up and tells her to stop because “it doesn’t matter how she feels, it only matters how she looks”, and she needs to “act like a lady”. But Miranda’s not having any of that, tearing into those traditional gender roles her mother follows, the whole time being backed up by roaring chaotic guitars and pounding drums. Awesome song, country music needs more songs like this.

HM. Best Song Ever- One Direction

YE Position: 74

This song must have been a huge surprise at the time. I mean who would’ve expected this teen-pandering boy band to suddenly make this classic rock-inspired greatness? The writing’s a lot better here too, actually being about a specific girl instead of the self-insert “you”, and successfully capturing the feeling of a wild night you can barely remember the next day. And from this song onward, One Direction did start to improve.  And now this group is dead and all the members have their own solo careers with distinct styles, some of them even being good. And I’d like to think all of that is owed to this song.

HM. Just Give Me A Reason- Pink ft. Nate Ruess

YE Position: 7

This is a very good song that I don’t really care about. It sounds good, the storytelling and chemistry is great, and I’ll listen to it if it comes on, but out of all the songs on this list, it’s the one I return to the least. And the one I have the least to say about.

HM. I Cry- Flo Rida

YE Position: 64

In my mind, I’ve always associated Flo Rida very closely with Pitbull. Mainly because neither of them deserved all the shit they got. Like come on, if you really wanna get mad at dance club music, LMFAO and The New Boyz are right there. But enough about that, what about the song in question?

 

This is probably the most personal Flo Rida’s gotten in his music, referencing what it was like growing up in the projects, and how grateful he is that he’s made it out. The sampled hook also works surprisingly well, especially when Flo Rida harmonizes with it. And then there’s the production and Flo Rida’s rapping, both of which sound bright, energetic and hopeful, making it work as a motivational anthem as well. Good job, Flo Rida, and I’m really sorry about your sister. That must really suck.

 

HM. The Way- Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller

YE Position: 31

I’ve always considered this a very fun, catchy pop song with nice bouncy production and good performances from everyone involved, but listening to how happy Mac Miller sounds on his verses gives me such a strange feeling now, and I don’t know if this makes the song better or worse. Leaning more towards the latter, though.

 

HM. Hall Of Fame- The Script ft. Will.i.am

YE Position: 85

Look, this isn’t anything particularly original or innovative, I’ll admit that. But for me at least, this works as empowerment anthem. And there’s a few reasons why: 1) the usage of the “you” pronoun makes it feel more direct, 2) the lyrics are more specific and actually encourage the listener to work to pursue their dreams, and 3) the instrumentation is quite powerful, with the gleaming piano and thunderous drums. Believe it or not, this song was the closest to making the list. Consider it my number 21.

 

HM. Demons- Imagine Dragons

YE Position: 62

I feel like I should’ve put this on the list. Dan Reynolds is giving one of his most passionate vocal performances to date, and the lyrics are very powerful, if a bit melodramatic. However, the production doesn’t really “explode” enough on the chorus, taking away some of the emotional intensity. And there’s also just the fact that I never come back to this song. It’s great, and I’d definitely listen to it if it came on, but I’d hardly ever choose to listen to it. Radioactive and It’s Time are just so much better. Still, that doesn’t make the song any less potent or epic.

 

HM. Treasure- Bruno Mars

YE Position: 30

What is there to even say? This is just great fun. However, Bruno went on to make better funk throwbacks with Uptown Funk and 24K Magic, so unfortunately I can’t see much reason to come back to this. But hey, at least the intro’s hilarious.

 

HM. When I Was Your Man- Bruno Mars

YE Position: 8

 

And here’s another Bruno Mars song that’s become relatively forgotten, only this time I can’t see why. Yeah, it’s a minimalist piano ballad, but the lyrics more than make up for it, describing how Bruno regrets not being a better boyfriend, before hoping that her new boyfriend is treating her better, which is a really mature perspective that I can respect.

 

But didn’t Bruno Mars have another hit in 2013? One that everyone likes, way more than the previous two I’ve mentioned? Well, they’re right, it is better, and that’s why it’s #20.

 

20. Locked Out of Heaven- Bruno Mars

YE Position: 11

Like Treasure, this song also has some influences from the 80s, mainly The Police, to the point where it almost directly copies their style. Now, I don’t care about this at all, since I know next to nothing about The Police. What I do care about, however, is this song, which is fantastic. The funk guitars are punchy and vibrant on the verses, complementing the hiccuping backing vocals, but on the chorus the guitar is combined with a soaring synth line and hard-hitting drums, while the backing vocals continuously go higher and higher, building to a massive climax at the end of the chorus, before reverting back to normal. Bruno’s also singing his heart out, about not getting to have sex. Yeah, they don’t even try to hide that metaphor, the prechorus literally says “your sex takes me to paradise”. Eh, whatever. Doesn’t make the song any less awesome.

 

Number 19

 

 

I’ve defended this next guy in the past, mostly last year, when everyone was tearing into his latest album, while I thought it was a perfectly passable album with a couple great songs. But with that being said, I don’t think I’m going to have to justify this to anyone.

19. Mirrors- Justin Timberlake

YE Position: 6

Apparently this was written as a tribute to Justin’s then-fiance, and he did not hold back at all. Some people think the “mirror” sentiment is egotistical, and… no, not really. He’s not in love with her just because she’s a copy of him, it’s that they’ve become so connected and unified together that they’ve become like reflections of each other. And then there’s Justin, who sings with a great deal of emotion and sensitivity. And with the elegant strings and cascades of synth, this is just a gorgeous song.

 

…However, it drags on way too long. The second half- which comes in around the 5:30 mark- just isn’t that good, and I’ve usually tuned out by then, because it’s not interesting enough to justify itself. It’s perfectly fine, but whenever I listen to this song, I usually skip over that part. If that didn’t exist, or if it was more compelling, I could’ve put this one a lot higher, but as it is… I still really like it.

 

Number 18

 

Here’s a song that you probably expected to be a lot higher. And don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic song that I really do love, it’s just that there are a ton of songs this year that are better and more overlooked in my opinion. But anyway, here’s Daft Punk.

18. Get Lucky- Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams

YE Position: 14

Is there anything I can say that hasn’t already been said? Well, yeah, there is one thing: the lyrics and vocals are nothing special. I mean, Pharrell’s good, but he doesn’t exactly leave a unique impression. So the fact that Get Lucky still made the list in spite of that truly is a testament to how great this production is! Every single instrument has an unbelievably tight groove, and when combined, it just sounds amazing and hypnotic. It has an ethereal vibe, like you’re floating through space while listening to this. And the bridge utilizing Daft Punk’s synthesized voices is just the icing on the cake.

It’s a little weird that it took until 2013 for Daft Punk to have a crossover hit, but I’m not about to question a good thing. There was an opportunity for a “get lucky” pun there, but I have just enough self-respect not to make it. Probably.

 

Number 17

 

Here’s a song that you probably expected to be a lot higher. And don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic song that I really do love, it’s just that there are a ton of songs this year that are better and more overlooked in my opinion. But anyway, here’s Macklemore

 

I just copy-pasted that from my preamble for Get Lucky. Wow, I’m lazy. Come on, me, it wouldn’t have been that hard to come up with something original.

 

17. Can’t Hold Us- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton

YE Position: 5

After the unbelievably massive success of Thrift Shop, Macklemore made this his next single- a song that proved he could be great while being serious as well. And before you ask, no, Macklemore’s third hit Same Love isn’t on the list. Mostly because it’s a song I respect a lot more than I like. But back to this song, which is essentially a song boasting Macklemore’s newfound success, while still staying humble and taking time to thank all the people that made it possible, through clever and well-written lyrics.

 

And that’s not all, because this song sounds epic. Macklemore, as usual, has incredible charisma and flow, and he’s backed by triumphant horns, driving bells, and ghostly backing vocals. Excellent song, deserves all of its acclaim, and we’re not even in the top 15 yet.

Number 16

 

It’s funny how popular trends in music can vary around the world. For example, in the mid to late 2000s, electronic music was huge in Europe, but it didn’t cross over to the United States until the 2010s. So when this group released their goodbye song, it became their first (and only) hit in the US. Oh, and the song’s pretty great too.

16. Don’t You Worry Child- Swedish House Mafia ft. John Martin

YE Position: 26

This song is just a fucking behemoth of edm. It utilizes so many different-sounding synths and blends them together seamlessly, creating a huge, uplifting atmosphere that continuously evolves- having moments with just a single faint piano line, as well as titanic, explosive drops. This was a good choice for a final song, you always want to end on a high note. The lyrics are amazing as well, looking back on childhood memories, and the advice given by a parent- “don’t you worry child, see heaven’s got a plan for you”- that they have held to this day, being expressed through John Martin’s hoarse, powerful voice. Swedish House Mafia may have broken up, but at least they ended their career with this wonderful piece of music.

 

Number 15

 

 

Best country song of 2013.

 

15. Highway Don’t Care- Tim McGraw ft. Taylor Swift & Keith Urban

YE Position: 77

 

 

Ok, first thing I noticed about this song while putting the list together- it’s really similar to One Number Away, just with a worse narrative. But even if it is a lesser version of One Number Away, so what? That was my favorite song of 2018, after all.

 

But the lyrics are significantly worse because there’s a lot more projection and less reflection (I know that sentence sounds unbelievably dumb, shut up). But there’s still a lot to like here, like how Taylor Swift plays the role of a song the girl is hearing on the radio, and she still has surprisingly good chemistry with Tim McGraw. And the song does feel incredibly genuine and heartfelt on the chorus.

 

But honestly, this wouldn’t make the list at all if not for the production. Yeah, Keith Urban’s the highlight of a song, I never thought I’d say that either. Granted, he’s just playing guitar and not singing, so that helps. And the whole song really just feels like buildup to the two guitar solos, the first one being a lot more intricate than the second, but the second one just hits you with so much more emotion, as it follows the repetitive yet still powerful bridge, and comes in to end the song on a perfect note.

Number 14

 

Damn, I knew 2013 was a strong enough year for this next song to have some competition, but I didn’t expect it’d be pushed all the way down to 14.

 

14. Counting Stars- OneRepublic

YE Position: 63

Now THIS is a much better anthem than 22 was. It describes the desire to escape the corporate system and go on adventures, to live with more risk, and it sounds like it. The production, Ryan Tedder’s voice, the melodies- all of them feel like they’re in constant motion. And not like in a “motion sickness” way, in a good way. Not much I can add, just a fantastic anthem that I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to at some point in their lives. I just happened to like thirteen other songs this year more.

 

Number 13

 

Fun fact: I almost left this off the list entirely. Not because it doesn’t deserve it, I just have nothing to say about it.

 

 

13. Still Into You- Paramore

YE Position: 100

 

Like, come on guys, it’s just so happy… with Hayley Williams’ exuberant vocals, the punchy, bright pop-rock production, and the lyrics, which are well-detailed and presented in such a joyous way that it’s just incredible. It doesn’t make any sense that this was at the bottom of the year end list, this feels like the perfect hit. Okay, next song, I told you I didn’t have much to say about this one, but I’ve got quite a lot to say about this next one.

Number 12

 

Oh boy. I don’t think many people are going to agree with me here. Because this is a song attacking the critics. Almost always, that’s a bad move. Just look at what happened with Taylor Swift and Look What You Made Me Do, or to a lesser extent, Shake It Off. To get me to side with you, you have to give the critics some degree of respect, while still refuting their points leveled against you. Going back to the previous example, Taylor Swift did neither. Lady Gaga did both.

 

12. Applause- Lady Gaga

YE Position: 37

 

Let’s start with the production, which could also serve as a response to those saying her music “sounds too weird”. Its sound resembles that of Poker Face, Just Dance, and most of her earlier work. Except the synths are a lot harsher and choppier, before exploding into a discordant mess on the chorus, without reaching the point where it becomes painful to listen to. It’s a more subtle response, and it was definitely smart to leave criticisms of her music out of the lyrics, as that would just make her look horribly insecure and weak.

 

But how about the lyrical content itself?

 

“To crash the critics saying, ‘is it right or is it wrong?’”

 

From the second line, the type of critic Lady Gaga is addressing is made clear- the kind that doesn’t really know how to criticize the art, so instead targets the artist. I mean, go back and look at the reviews she got around this time, a lot of them barely even mentioned the music in question, almost like they were trying to find something to complain about.

 

“I’ve overheard your theory ‘nostalgia’s for geeks’

I guess sir, if you say so, some of us just like to read”

 

Yeah, see, there’s a perfect example of that. Because she made an 80s throwback hit, she’s trying to “pander to geeks”. But aside from that, some people might take issue with some of this song’s other lyrics, more particularly the prechorus and chorus, because “I live for the applause” makes it sound like she is only doing it for the attention. However, taking the rest of the song into consideration, I’m going to interpret it a different way: she needs to have these fans who cheer for her to counteract all the shit thrown at her, and if you look at it that way, it’s actually really understandable. And it even makes her looks less full of herself in the process.

 

Congratulations, Lady Gaga, you managed to take an idea that could very easily backfire horribly, and turned it into the best hit song of your entire career.

Number 11

I have always felt most of the criticism thrown at this guy was unfair. He at least had more ideas and experimented more often than most of his contemporaries, and you couldn’t really mistake his reckless production style for anyone else. But on the other hand, I always thought he was always holding back, at least in his pop crossovers.

 

That is until he released this song.

 

11. Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

YE Position: 44

Now, see, this is how you use production to create a mood. The story is about being in a relationship where one person is giving real in return. Florence Welch sells the weary frustration portrayed in the lyrics effortlessly, while the beat stays low, but threatening. Like a coiled snake. And then when the chorus hits, all that frustration is realized in both Florence Welch’s passionate vocal performance and the wiry beat’s continued buildup. And then it’s all released in the drop, and oh boy is this a drop. It’s angry and fierce enough to feel cathartic, with the rapid-fire synth. But even when it lets loose, never once does it lose control of its atmosphere and impact. The song even ends amazingly, with the drop fading into the background, like a machine being shut off. One of the most underappreciated songs of 2013, and one of the best edm songs of the decade. And it just missed out on the top 10.

 

Number 10

 

 

So, I know I’ve had some controversial opinions in the past, probably like eight on this list alone, but I don’t think anything I’ve said will award me as much backlash as putting this song on the list. Plenty of people hate this song, even going as far as to describe it as “audio torture”. And for a while I actually agreed with them. But then one day it just clicked with me, and I’m going to try my hardest to defend it.

 

10. Bugatti- Ace Hood ft. Future & Rick Ross

YE Position: 91

 

No, no, this is not a joke. I legitimately think this song is better than Can’t Hold Us, Counting Stars, and Get Lucky. And I know that you all hate me now, so let me make my case. First, even I’ll admit that the lyrics aren’t that good, aside from a couple “memorable” lines. But this song manages to make these basic lyrics sound epic.

 

The production. Oh my god the production. I didn’t know Mike fucking Will was capable of this. It’s what makes this song so disgusting to some people, but I absolutely love every second of it. It knows when to be calm and restrained, and it knows when to just let loose. On Future’s hook, it sounds ominous, almost creepy, like you’re walking down a pitch-black corridor. And then the drop hits like a plane into the twin tow- shit, no, shouldn’t continue that metaphor. Abort. What I’m trying to say is it sounds explosive, with that power-drill synth cutting in and out in the background. And then it continues into Ace Hood’s verses, and he is on fire here, going in with so much intensity and ferociousness; both his verses are like riding a rollercoaster going at breakneck speed, it’s just exhilarating. And while he’s definitely the weak link here, I’m not going to overlook Rick Ross’s verse. His flow isn’t nearly as strong as Ace’s, but I do love how the production alternates based on his delivery. Wow, with both Future and Rick Ross, this almost feels like an apology for UOENO, and if that’s the case, apology accepted. An overlooked masterpiece, I wish we got more trap rap that went as hard as this does, while actually pulling it off (unlike “Look At Me!” or Gummo). And if you’re still mad at me for this choice, I’ll let Ace Hood deal with you.

“fuck all you haters, you bore me”

 

yeah that’s right

 

Number 9

What is this doing on the hot 100?

9. Sail- AWOLNATION

YE Position: 25

Yeah, I don’t know how this got popular. I can’t think of anything else from this decade that sounds even remotely like it. But then again, if more songs did sound like this, I could see myself getting sick of that very quickly.

 

The whole song is extremely coarse and raw, with that abrasive dubstep-inspired bass cutting in over a lighter, good-spirited piano, but for good reason. After all, this is a song looking into the mind of someone with severe depression, anxiety, and… ADD apparently. And there’s no real message, just a collection of passing thoughts strung together. He feels different from everyone else, he contemplates suicide, you know, all that good stuff. But then, halfway through, the song gradually becomes more soothing and pleasant, almost like calming down after letting out all your worst feelings. And the main line of the song- “Sail!” is sort of a call to keep going, even if things aren’t really getting any better. Again, there really isn’t anything quite like this song. But at least it became a huge sleeper hit that stuck around for a ridiculous amount of time!

 

Number 8

 

If you couldn’t already tell, the electronic music scene of 2013 was fantastic. You’ve seen examples of this before, and (spoiler) there’s still more to come. We had veterans of the genre like Daft Punk and Swedish House Mafia finally crossing over with some of their best songs to date, and also innovative newcomers. Here’s an example of the latter.

8. Clarity- Zedd ft. Foxes

YE Position: 24

 

Oh my god how are we only at #8!? In any other year a song this great would easily make the top 5, hell, maybe even the top 3. Forget what I said about Don’t You Worry Child, this is a truly titanic piece of music. And it does it all with a very simple premise- two lovers keep coming back to each other even if they’ll soon regret it, but with this production and Foxes’ vocals, it sounds like the most important thing in the world. It slowly builds with a simple piano line, but adds more and more atmospheric synths until the drop comes crashing down. The explosion of colliding synths, another high-pitched robotic synth in the background, and a choir of backing vocals to add to that epic feel. And what’s so amazing is that the drop- it keeps building, getting more intense and gigantic, before, suddenly, resetting itself. And it feels like a complete listening experience then, but you’re only halfway done, as the cycle repeats, only with everything feeling even more explosive and powerful. I probably explained all of that horribly, but I don’t care. One of the best of its genre this decade, a song I regularly come back to even to this day, and, again, only the 8th best hit song of 2013.

 

Number 7

 

 

Back in 2017, Kendrick released his album Damn., to massive critical and commercial success. With his sudden breakthrough to the general public and all the hype surrounding it, it can be easy to forget that Kendrick actually had a decent-sized hit four full years before he became a household name.

 

And yeah, he’s not going to release a single that can top it anytime soon.

 

7. Swimming Pools (Drank)- Kendrick Lamar

YE Position: 79

 

Yeah, this dark, bizarre song about alcoholism was Kendrick’s first exposure to the mainstream. I’d call that shocking, but considering what we’ve already seen on this list, no it makes complete sense. The lyrics describe Kendrick’s struggle with drinking, both acknowledging the harm it’s doing to him, while also showing why he continues to drink in the first place. When he’s drunk, he feels like a different person, someone who everyone likes being around at parties. But at the same time, his conscience is trying to save him from drinking too much and dying. And he sees it, he can almost reach that freedom of being sober- but then he’s pulled back in by the desire to fit in.

 

And on a musical level, the song is just as intricate. The mind-numbing hypnotic hook represents the repetitive nature of drinking. And the song keeps the low-key tone, with the murky bass and Kendrick’s relatively monotone delivery. The only time it flares up is on the prechorus, where that ghostly synth comes in as someone’s telling Kendrick to drink more and more, reinforcing the “peer pressure” angle. Everything is perfectly crafted. This is, without a doubt, Kendrick’s best- and smartest- hit song. If anyone’s going to argue that Kendrick isn’t one of the greatest rappers of our time, this is the perfect counterpoint to that claim.

 

Number 6

 

 

It still amazes me that this became a hit at all. This is the kind of song where you look at it and say “yeah, there’s no way something like this’ll get big”. Guess that’s 2013 for ya.

6. Little Talks- Of Monsters & Men

YE Position: 65

Every single part of this song is the best part. Take the lyrics. They tell the story of two lovers- one of which has passed away- having a conversation. But it’s not really a sad song. The female singer on the song plays the old woman who is still living, and the male singer plays her deceased husband, and they have excellent chemistry together. The old woman lies awake, nearing the end of her life, in a state of constant anxiousness and worry. She starts speaking to the voice of her dead partner, who reassures her that everything will be alright and that they will be together again soon, and be able to have those “little talks” again like they used to. Again, this isn’t a sad song, even though it certainly sounds that way from my description.

In fact, from how the song sounds, you probably wouldn’t notice the story at all. The instrumentation is lead by bold trumpets and chanting backing vocals. It creates a feeling of a triumphant sendoff, honoring life rather than mourning death, as they travel onward to their final destination, to be reunited again. Breathtaking song, can’t believe it ever became a hit, but I am so glad it did.

 

Number 5

 

This next artist is one that I like, but am also frustrated by at the same time. He’s a great writer, but quite often he doesn’t show that in his biggest singles, choosing to release his “safer” love ballads. And while those songs are mostly fine, his best singles are definitely the ones with more clever and interesting writing. Like, say, a song describing everything that went wrong in a real life relationship where both sides were at fault, or going back to his childhood and the power those memories still hold for him, even if they aren’t all good. Or, more relevantly, he could tell the story of a woman addicted to cocaine who is going to die.

 

5. The A Team- Ed Sheeran

YE Position: 75

 

No way around it: this is just pure sad. The simple acoustic production and Ed Sheeran’s delicate vocals put all the focus on the story, and… holy shit. I’m sure this song was horribly abused in all the shitty “emotional” facebook videos back in the day.

 

But let’s really look at the story this song tells. From what I can gather, this was inspired by a woman Ed Sheeran met while working at a homeless shelter named “Angel” (which explains all the angel metaphors used here), who had a cocaine addiction. And the imagery used in the song is amazing, like how he describes her face crumbling away, and how it uses the “snow” metaphor for cocaine and actually does something with it. The final line of the song even implies that she dies. Radio stations played this. Constantly. It may have taken three years for this to become a hit, but I’m so glad it was. Ed, you should be like this more often.

 

Number 4

 

 

…when I referenced this song in my dishonorable mentions on the last list, I think I might’ve understated how much I love it.

4. Thrift Shop- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz

YE Position: 1

 

Yep. This song is all the way up at #4. I know that most people like this song, but I don’t think anyone would consider putting it above the likes of Swimming Pools and Little Talks. People feel that way about Can’t Hold Us, though. And Can’t Hold Us is epic, but Thrift Shop is just one of the most unique and iconic songs of the entire decade. “Oh, it’s a song about buying shitty used clothes at a thrift shop.” Yeah, that’s part of what makes it so great!

 

First of all, Thrift Shop just sounds phenomenal. The sax loop- courtesy of producer Ryan Lewis- is ridiculously catchy and never gets old, even as it repeats for the entire song. And then we have Macklemore, whose charisma and energy is infectious. He’s clearly having a blast here. And the lyrics are hilarious while also sneaking in some clever social commentary.

 

“They be like ‘oh that gucci, that’s so uptight

I’m like ‘yo, that’s 50 dollars for a t-shirt”

 

“That shirt’s hella dope

And wearing the same one as six other people in the club is a hella don’t”

 

Actually, you could probably interpret the whole song as a parody of brag rap. But even with this, I don’t get the vibe that Macklemore feels like he’s better than anyone else. I mean, he’s bragging about buying as many old, disgusting clothes as he can for 20 dollars. And then there’s the fact that nearly all of this song is iconic. Here’s some highlights.

 

“Walk into the club like what up, I gotta big cock”

 

“Them people like ‘damn, that’s a cold-ass honkey”

“Probably should’ve washed this, it smells like R Kelly’s sheets

(pissssss)

But shit, it was 99 cents!

 

And that’s just from the first half of the first verse! Also, bonus points on the last one for casually dissing R Kelly.

 

It’s kind of amazing that this ended up as the biggest song of the entire year, but I honestly can’t imagine a world where it wasn’t huge, and I don’t really want to. Absolute masterpiece.

 

And on the subject of massive hits-

 

Number 3

 

It wasn’t exactly hard to get sick of this song. It got overplayed to all hell, and still gets used in commercials to this day. It broke the record for weeks spent on the hot 100, with 87. It entered the charts in 2012, and didn’t leave until mid-2014. But the question is: did it really deserve all that?

 

Yes

3. Radioactive- Imagine Dragons

YE Position: 3

 

This song is apocalyptic. Yes, I know everyone else has described it with that exact word, but it’s really the best way to describe it. Dan Reynolds’ voice is being pushed to the limit in the best of ways. The instrumentation consists of primal drums, haunting bells, ethereal backing vocals, and sludgy, menacing guitars. Imagine Dragons clearly went all out to make this sound like a literal apocalypse. Which is what the lyrics are about. The story is told from the point of view of a guy waking up in the middle of the end of the world, how he fights for survival, and coming to terms with the chaos, accepting it as the “new age”. This is some of the best storytelling in music I’ve ever seen (yes, really).

 

But even with all of that, even with this being one of my favorite songs of the entire decade, we’re only at number 3. It had to take two incredibly special songs to push this down, and believe me, these next two songs are just that. So let’s go.

 

Number 2

 

Y’know, even if Lady Gaga botched “Applause” horribly, her fans would still defend her. But what if someone released a song attacking their fans? That wouldn’t end well for anyone! And even if it ended up good, there’s no way that song could be commercially successful, right?

 

 

 

Right?

 

2. My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)- Fall Out Boy

YE Position: 40

 

Oh, I know this isn’t going to sit well with some people. But I don’t care. Up until recently, this song was much lower on the list, but after really thinking about it, I realized a few things, and this skyrocketed up the list, now serving as one of my favorite songs not only of 2013, but of all time. Why is that?

 

Well, let’s start with the music itself. The production makes it clear from the beginning that this will be a dark, unpleasant listen- in all the right ways. The wailing backing vocals, the squealing bursts of synth, and the roaring mechanical guitar and percussion, especially when it all comes crashing down on the chorus. The lead singer (I don’t know his name) knows when to go over the top, and when to tone his vocals back, while still maintaining that power throughout. This song sounds like the soundtrack to an epic final battle in hell. That didn’t make very much sense, but whatever. I’m sure you get the idea.

 

But then we have the elephant in the room- the lyrics. For some backstory, this was written after several years of hiatus for the band, being the first single released after their reunion. And they come back filled with rage, as they tear into all the fans that gave up on them because they weren’t “cool” anymore. The types of people that only like what the trends are dictating because they’re unable to have a single independent thought or opinion, all because they’re so afraid of being judged by the people they try to impress. Believe me, I have had to deal with so many people like this, hell, quite a few times I’ve been that person, afraid to express myself for fear of social judgement. So I speak from experience when I say that mentality leads to nothing but toxicity and shame. So hearing this song eviscerate it so thoroughly is an absolute rush of catharsis for me.

 

But guess what! Even after all that, it’s not #1. So what is?

 

Number 1

 

…

 

Well isn’t this fitting.

 

I have said that 2013 is my favorite year for music of all time, so the fact that my #1 for this list is a serious candidate for my favorite song ever just works out perfectly. A song that not only sounds absolutely flawless, but one that will always make me feel better, no matter what mood I’m in. It’s helped me through a lot, especially over the past couple years, and now this is my chance to give it all the praise it deserves. And so, with all of that said-

 

Rest In Peace, Avicii.

 

1. Wake Me Up- Avicii ft. Aloe Blacc

YE Position: 19

 

Yes, Wake Me Up by Avicii is my favorite song of 2013, the 2010s, and of all time. And there’s so many reasons why that I don’t even know where to begin.

 

How about the lyrics? They describe the feelings of someone who is nearing adulthood, and on the one had wants to remain young, but on the other hand, would like to be “wiser and older”, but doesn’t want to have to deal with the process of getting there, preferring to stay in their own world of dreams. But none of this is presented in a selfish way, it all feels completely natural and human. And these are also emotions I constantly experience, and have for the past few years. I absolutely understand the feeling of doing anything you can to escape all the new pressures and challenges that begin to arise, why do you think I started doing these reviews in the first place? I’ll do as many creative projects as I can if it means I don’t have to think about real life. So the song already means a lot to me for that reason alone.

 

But let’s also take into consideration what this song meant to Avicii. He was someone who couldn’t handle being famous, which lead to a downward spiral that ended with him taking his own life. The day he died was one of the saddest days of my life, and I listened to this song nonstop, because in retrospect, it meant so much more.

 

And I haven’t even touched on how perfect this sounds! Aloe Blacc’s rich, deep voice carries all the emotional weight of the lyrics, but the real star is the production. It goes from textured acoustic guitars to the gorgeous luminescent synths seamlessly, and the fast-paced tone might seem counterproductive, but it really isn’t. These melodies sound incredible, and it feels like the song is carrying you through all those hardships, And for four minutes, I can let go of all my problems, stress and anxiety, and just envelop myself in this song. No matter what mood I’m in, listening to this always makes me feel so much better, and for that and every other reason I’ve given ,Wake Me Up by Avicii is, in my opinion, easily the best hit song of 2013. Thank you, Avicii, and once again, rest in peace.

 

Oh look, I finally made that 2013 list I promised. Wow.

 

2013 was phenomenal. I’d even go as far as to call it the best year for music of the decade, maybe even of all time, at least for me personally. 2013 gave us so many incredible songs that probably wouldn’t have crossed over in any other year, whether that be for rock, edm, hip-hop, country or pop. I legitimately love almost half of the year-end list, and I couldn’t even find 20 songs I disliked enough to mention on this list. But with that said, even in a year as amazing as this one, there’s always going to be some garbage, and that’s what we’re going to be looking at today, starting with some dishonorable mentions.

 

DHM1. Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and TI

YE Position: 2

Oh, we’re startin’ off big, aren’t we? Second biggest song of the year. A lot of people think this song is “rapey”, and while there are a couple lyrics that imply the girl in question wants to have sex, I don’t blame anyone for having that interpretation. But even if this song isn’t about rape, it’d still be about stealing someone else’s girl, and would still be sleazy as all hell. So I think it’s safe to say this song didn’t blow up because of the lyrics, but is any musical element of this song special or interesting? The groove is pretty weak and gutless for the most part, and Robin Thicke is a charlismaless husk of a performer. Pharrell and TI are fine, I guess, but this is far from either’s best work. God bless you Macklemore, for keeping this trash from getting #1 on the year-end.

 

DHM2. Holy Grail- Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake

YE Position: 22

It seems like most people who dislike this song dislike it for the lyrics. Because how can Jay-Z possibly complain about his life when he’s so famous? I’m not going to be like that, because 1) I’m not famous, so I can’t assume to know what that life is like, and 2) I know that having constant attention on you can be extremely stressful. So yeah, the lyrics are fine. I’d even go as far as to call them well-written and insightful. In fact, the lyrics are what elevate this song from being on the list proper, because this sounds wretched, with Justin’s sour vocals on the hook, Jay-Z’s awkward sporadic flow, the limp production, and the fucking Smells Like Teen Spirit interpolation that doesn’t fit at all. I’ll absolutely listen to your struggles with fame, Jay, just as long as you make them into a better song than this.

 

DHM3. We Can’t Stop- Miley Cyrus

YE Position: 17

This really deserves to be the infamous Miley Cyrus song from 2013, because ignoring the video, Wrecking Ball honestly isn’t that bad. We Can’t Stop, meanwhile…

 

It’s supposed to be a rebellious party anthem about not listening to anyone else and just having fun. And that’d be fine, except this sounds miserable, with that dark synth line, the sad piano and the heavy, crushing percussion. Maybe if that was the intention, to show a party that’s turned sour, I’d give it a pass, but as far as I can tell, nothing else indicates that. Nice job, Mike Will, you turned a potentially fun upbeat party song into this boring dirge. Y’know what, considering this and 23, you should just stay away from Miley entirely.

 

DHM4. The Fox- Ylvis

YE Position: 73

 

Hey memers check this song out! Isn’t it so lol xd randem!? It’s so awesome epic! Almost as lol funny as that new doge meme!

 

 

…Jesus fucking christ that hurt to type. I think I just killed my soul. Granted, the production’s pretty good and the singing isn’t bad, but this style of “random internet humor” really hasn’t aged well.

 

DHM5. 22- Taylor Swift

YE Position: 71

Y’know what else hasn’t aged well? Taylor Swift’s “hipster millennial anthem”. Yeah, isn’t life gonna be fun when you’ve just graduated a college that hasn’t really prepared you that well and you go find a full-time job that you hate and will likely be a career dead-end? Awesome!

 

… and the song’s a little bit clunky, the percussion’s a bit too loud, Taylor’s not trying, this is obviously part of her uncomfortable transition into pop music where she doesn’t really know how to emulate that sound yet. See, I didn’t forget to give actual criticism!

 

DHM6. Royals- Lorde

YE Position: 15

Oof, this one’s gonna be tough, since pretty much everyone else either likes or loves this song. I will say this: I like the idea behind Royals. I like the idea of a song calling out empty luxury bragging, especially these days. Except let’s keep in mind that this was 2013. The biggest song of the year was about buying goddamn used clothes, and looking through the year end, most of these songs have little or no bragging in them. And going back to Thrift Shop for a second, that song was parodying luxury rap, but in a fun way that was funny and enjoyable while still slipping in some solid points. Royals does tear down those cliches, but comes off more resentful and self-centered (look at that “so let me be your ruler” line for example). At least the song sounds okay, if a little underdeveloped. With the drums a little louder, this could’ve actually worked as an anthem. But what this ended up as just doesn’t work for me.

 

DHM7. Turn The Night Up- Enrique Iglesias

YE Position: N/A

Wasn’t an actual hit, but would’ve easily topped the list if it was, mostly for having the worst drop I’ve ever heard. It’s like… being sexually harassed while on a plane that’s plummeting towards the ground. Yeah that’s an analogy. Just… who thought this was okay? Who allowed this?

 

But enough about the kind of bad songs and the worst thing ever, let’s get to the list proper. Couldn’t even get ten dishonorable mentions, that’s how good 2013 was. So anyway-

 

Number 10

 

You know, 2013 was such a strong year that I wouldn’t even put my #10 in the shit tier. In a worse year, this might not have even been a dishonorable mention. But of all the 1/5s I could’ve put here, this one felt the most right. You see, in 2013, a new bro country duo broke into the mainstream with their debut single, which lasted for a ridiculous amount of time on the charts thanks to a rap remix that got pop radio airplay. And while this remix was doing well, another one of their singles got a boost as well, enough for it to scrape onto the year-end list. And it is quite bad.

 

10. Get Your Shine On- Florida-Georgia Line

YE Position: 94

 

Anybody remember this? I know I didn’t. I’d looked at the 2013 year-end many times before, so I knew of this song’s existence, but I never bothered to listen to it. Then I did. And now it’s here. And it’s only saved from being higher because of how inoffensive and forgettable it is.

There’s something wrong with the main guitar, I just can’t quite describe what. I mean, just listen to it. You’ll see what I mean. Then there’s Florida’s singing (I’m calling him that because I don’t care to look up his actual name), and I don’t think he’s ever sounded worse. He sounds like Kermit’s redneck cousin, especially on the third chorus.

 

And I think that’s it. There’s not that much to talk about with this. In most years, it would’ve just been a dishonorable mention, like I said. And anyways, when it comes to bro country, 2013 had worse (which we’ll get to), but for the time being, #9.

 

Number 9

 

“Aubrey Drake Graham (born October 24, 1986), is a Canadian rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, actor, and entrepreneur. Drake initially gained recognition as an actor on the teen drama television series Degrassi: The Next Generation in the early 2000s. Intent on pursuing a career as a rapper, he departed the series in 2007 following the release of his debut mixtape, Room for Improvement. He released two further independent projects, Comeback Season and So Far Gone, before signing to Lil Wayne’s Young Money Entertainment in June 2009”

 

Hey, wait a minute! That doesn’t sound like starting from the bottom!

9. Started From The Bottom- Drake

YE Position: 32

 

 

Maybe I’m not being fair. You can have money and still struggle. What did Drake have to deal with? Getting screwed in contract deals? Abuse from producers?

 

“Livin at my momma’s house, we’d argue every month”

 

Arguing with your mom? Once a month? I’m pretty sure that’s a thing for everyone.

 

“Workin all night, traffic on the way home”

 

Traffic. Traffic is your idea of suffering.

 

“Uncle callin me like ‘where ya at?’

“I gave you the keys, told you bring it right back

 

And your uncle wants you to bring back his car, which he let you borrow. Drake, all of this stuff is too tame for the average sitcom. And I’ve heard the argument made that this isn’t meant to be about Drake, but instead supposed to be an anthem for anyone who’s made it out of tough times. But when he spends the verses referencing his personal problems, that defense doesn’t carry much weight.

 

But then again, that’s only half the story. He started from the bottom (allegedly), and now he’s here. So what is it like for him, being “here”?

 

“I can turn your boy into the man”

 

Uhhhhhhhh…

 

“Just as a reminder to myself

I wear every single chain, even when I’m in the house”

 

That’s… not something to brag about. It just makes you look insecure.

 

And then it goes into a rant about “fake friends” on the bridge out of nowhere, a subject Drake would later dedicate multiple songs to. And this production isn’t helping anything. The piano melody is extremely basic, as well as barely being audible over the loud, cacophonous beat. It makes a song that should come off as triumphant feel a lot more heavy and depressing than it really should.

 

But I am inclined to almost give this one a pass, if only because Drake went on to do everything I’ve mentioned here worse in later songs. However, it still serves as a warning of things to come, and as one of Drake’s worst hit songs.

 

 

Number 8

 

 

At one point, this song was all the way up at #2. And yes, it is still terrible. But I took a step back, and thought “is this worth taking seriously?” and no. I don’t think it is. And I don’t think anybody else thought so either. Even 2 Chainz didn’t think so. Or at least I hope he didn’t.

8. I’m Different- 2 Chainz

YE Position: 99

 

I don’t have anything to say here. All the problems are blatant. 2 Chainz’s aggressive flow doesn’t work with DJ Mustard’s cheap production at all, making the song feel unbalanced and weak. As for the content, the main idea of the song is that 2 Chainz is different, but all the lyrics are cliches when they’re not completely insane.

 

“And I wish a nigga would, like a kitchen cabinet”

W h a t

 

“Then I put a fat rabbit on the craftmatic”

 

W  h a  t

 

Well, here’s the genius annotation for that line:

 

And I think that’s an appropriate note to end on.

 

Number 7

…

 

…

 

BRING THE ACTION!

7. Scream And Shout- Will.i.am ft. Britney Spears

YE Position: 23

Ah yes, remember this? The final, pathetic dying gasp of both Will.i.am and Britney’s careers? I mean, I guess you could make the argument that #Thatpower was what killed Will.i.am’s career, but that song was barely a hit anyway (and I also kind of like it oops). But back to Scream And Shout.

So I’m assuming this was meant to be a song to let out aggression to in the clubs. But the production is too relaxed to support that. And neither performer, despite saying they want to “scream and shout, and let it all out”, bring any emotion or intensity to the song. And Britney decides to sacrifice any personality she has for this fake british accent that’s just really distracting. The only interesting moments are when Will.i.am throws in a random vocal effect, like he just downloaded his first recording software and wants to try out all the cool features. But the worst part is easily the bridge, where the slowed down delivery just sounds wrong. This is the type of song that would make people stop dancing in the club.

 

So, in summary, two declining artists whose last major success was two years prior team up to try to blend in with a trend that was already on its way out. It’s almost poetic, isn’t it?

 

Number 6

 

Let me get this out of the way- Roar by Katy Perry did not make the list. And I honestly don’t see why it should. It’s about as inoffensive as a song can get. I don’t like it, but I’ve never cared about it one way or the other. It’s trying to be a basic empowerment song, and it’s upbeat and catchy enough where I could see it inspiring someone. This is the same reason I don’t have much hatred for stuff like Fight Song. They’re competent. They accomplish what they’re trying to do.

 

This, on the other hand-

6. Girl On Fire- Alicia Keys (Remix ft. Nicki Minaj)

YE Position: 49

To be honest, I don’t know which version was the hit, the original or the remix. But I’m choosing to go with the remix because it gives me a lot more to nitpick.

 

Let’s start with the sound. With the heavy drums crushing out anything else in the production and Alicia Keys’ overemphatic vocal performance (which is really disappointing, she has a great voice), this song gives off a very miserable atmosphere. And that could be fine, if this wasn’t supposed to be uplifting. But y’know what, even then it maybe could’ve worked if the song switched up and got brighter at any point. That would actually give a sense of catharsis. But that doesn’t happen. It stays the same dirge of a song the whole way through.

 

And then we have the songwriting. And as a writer, this kind of inconsistency really pisses me the fuck off.

 

“She’s just a girl but she’s on fire

Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway

She’s living in a world and it’s on fire

Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away”

 

So “fire” is referring to this girl’s ambition, but it also symbolizes the chaos and suffering going on around her. I really didn’t think I’d have to explain this to a team of four professional songwriters, but when your song is built around a metaphor, that metaphor has to stay consistent!

 

“She’s got her feet on the ground, and she’s burning it down”

 

Burning what down? The world? The world’s already on fire. There’s actually a very credible argument to be made that this song is actually about a pyromaniac. If that was intentional, then this might be genius. But for now, I’m just gonna assume that interpretation is just the product of lazy writing. And I didn’t even get to half of the horrible lines. Believe me, I could go all day with some of this shit.

 

Anything else?

 

…

 

Oh right, this is the remix! What’s Nicki’s verse like?

 

“An’ that’s a horse ranch”

 

Oh. And y’know what makes that even better? The lines leading up to it were about jesus. Ok, at least Nicki was able to make me laugh, even if it wasn’t intentional. With that said, fuck this song. Everyone involved wasted any talent they had, and I’m glad this has ended up forgotten. Because that’s exactly what it deserves!

Number 5

…

 

I really don’t wanna do this

5. Harlem Shake- Baauer

YE Position: 4 (Seriously!?)

Seriously, I don’t think this is worth it. I don’t want to waste my time tearing into an old meme, especially one with this little substance and material to work with. I mean I gave a slight pass to The Fox, but at least that was a fully functioning song. The primary synth line sounds like a goddamn squeegee, and it sounds like it’s constantly tripping over both itself and the rest of the production. And as the song goes on, it just gets more messy and painful (yes, I’ve actually listened to the full song). And this song hit #1 because billboard started factoring youtube views into their algorithm when this was popular. So an actually catchy and fun meme song like Gangnam Style from one year prior couldn’t reach #1, but then this shit gets 5 weeks on top. Although that’s more the fault of billboard than anyone else. And you know what sucks even more? I decided to look into Baauer’s other stuff, and he’s actually a pretty good artist with interesting ideas. But he released garbage like this as a single, which went viral because of Filthy Frank of all people, and it was one of the five biggest songs of 2013 because of an algorithm change. Just fantastic.

 

Number 4

You wanna know how to get a cheap hit while not putting in any effort? Controversy. Sure, people will forget about your garbage song in a couple months, but you’ve already got the attention and the money, so it doesn’t matter. Isn’t that right, Rocko?

4. UOENO- Rocko, Future & Rick Ross

YE Position: 87

Hey, remember this? Hopefully not. I’d actually be willing to bet that as I’m writing this, I am the only person listening to this song. You might not have even heard of this song before now, if you weren’t paying attention to music controversy in 2013. So for anyone who’s not aware, here’s the line:

 

“Put molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it

I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it”

 

Yeah, that’s rape. And unlike most times, the general public actually took notice and this previously irrelevant song was suddenly the target of tons of backlash and outrage. Credit where it’s due- both Rick Ross and Rocko were quick to apologize. But here’s the thing- Rick Ross’s verse, where he says this, was part of a remix. It almost seems like he was added solely for publicity… hmmm…

 

And I can see why no one was listening to this song before, because wow. Not only is this awful, but it’s the laziest kind of awful. For starters, half the lines rhyme the phrase “you don’t even know it” with itself. And even the lines that don’t are just uncreative bragging. None of the rappers are even trying, to the point where it’s difficult to tell them apart. And the beat is the musical equivalent of smoking some bad weed.

 

Worthless.

 

 

Number 3

 

 

So that’s one of the two rap songs from 2013 everyone’s disgusted by out of the way, time for the other

3. Love Me- Lil Wayne ft. Drake & Future

YE Position: 39

 

Well, let’s get this over with. First of all, this is one of the creepiest sex songs I’ve ever heard. And the beat doesn’t even pull of that “creepy” vibe well. It sounds incredibly sloppy, and has several aimless melodies going on at once, even cutting out randomly. If you want to make a dark song, great, just make sure it sounds good also. And it might not be a good idea to use this kind of beat on a song with this subject matter, which…

 

The lyrics are the only reason this song is so high on the list. To put it simply, this song is gross and even a little misogynistic. Now, before you come at me calling me a “triggered sjw libtard”, I’d like to see you try to defend these:

 

“She say I never wanna make you mad, I just wanna make you proud

I say baby just make me cum, then don’t make a sound”

 

“Girl, I fuck who I want, and fuck who I don’t”

 

“These hoes got pussies like craters

Can’t treat these hoes like ladies, man”

 

“Lil tunechi got that fire

And these hoes love me like Satan, man”

 

Ok, that last one’s not sexist, it’s just really confusing. And the song can’t even stick to that, because in every other line he’s referencing his “haters”. While he’s having sex with all these hoes, he’s still thinking about his haters. Honestly, that’s just pathetic.

 

With most “worst of 2013” lists I’ve seen, this song has been #1. And I can totally see why. It’s just that this song doesn’t anger me the way these next two songs do. So what did I hate more? Well…

 

Number 2

 

I struggled with putting this on the list, especially this high, since I do have some nostalgia for listening to the radio during the time this song was popular, and on a technical level, it’s not really that bad. But the more I thought about it, the more this infuriated me. A horrible, manipulative, tormenting song disguising itself as a nice little folk song with a little bit of wisdom thrown in- yeah, Passenger absolutely earned this position. Congratulations!

 

2. Let Her Go- Passenger

YE Position: 97

 

See, this doesn’t look that bad at first glance. Sure, it’s basic in its instrumentation, and Passenger’s willowy voice might be a bit grating, but it sounds passable. And songs like this one don’t usually have much going on musically, and that’s okay, because the focus is meant to be on the lyrics and songwriting.

 

And therein lies the problem. The songwriting on display here is absolutely vile. On multiple levels. First, let’s talk about Passenger’s claims that this is meant to be self-reflective, and about his career up until that point. Now, I honestly don’t buy that, but ok, looking at it through that lens, it fails to connect emotionally with too much vagueness and platitudes.

But here’s the real premise of the song: Passenger is giving advice, presumably to a friend. Hence the second-tense pronouns. He’s essentially telling this friend to break up with his girlfriend because he’s horrible for her. Because isn’t that what friendship’s all about?

 

The chorus is infuriating. It throws in so many “you don’t know what you had until it’s gone” phrases, only to slip in that “only know you love her when you let her go”. Yes, you’ll know if you truly love her when you “let her go”, because clearly that’s what she wants, because you’re such a terrible person that you’re obviously making her miserable. And how was he making her life worse, exactly? No seriously, I’d like an explanation. You’re not giving me one.

 

But the verses are where the ugliness truly shines through: as he tries to “empathize” with his friend, with great stuff such as “everything you touch surely dies”, and “you loved her too much, and you dived too deep”, trying to make his “friend” feel horrible about himself and his mistakes, wall so he’ll break up with his girlfriend, and do I even need to point out the obvious implication that Passenger is only doing all this to get with the girl? The “you see her when you fall asleep, never to touch her, never to keep” is basically a taunt! All alternating between crushing a supposed friend down and then manipulating him with platitudes and cliches, just for his own selfish gain. Yeah, that’s revolting! Fuck you, Passenger! It’s good that you never had any relevance beyond this trash. UOENO and Love Me may have been disgusting and reprehensible, but at least they didn’t try to sugar coat it behind 10 layers of bullshit! This was extremely close to topping my list, and it only just got edged out by my #1, which we’re going to go into right now.

 

 

Number 1

 

 

So… bro country, huh?

 

I feel like I could stop there and just dive in to my #1 pick, but I’m not going to do that. Because quite frankly, I think this subgenre got too much hate. Yes, a lot of it was indeed terrible, but in 2013 at least, for the most part they’re passable. I’ll even defend some of the more infamous ones. Cruise Remix? It’s an okay pop song. It Goes Like This? Kind of charming in a weird way. That’s My Kind Of Night? Fucking glorious, even if it is for all the wrong reasons.

 

But then we come to a well-established and fairly respectable artist’s attempt to cash in on these rends, only to end up making the worst hit song of 2013.

1. Boys Round Here- Blake Shelton ft. The Pistol Annies

YE Position: 60

 

This is what country must sound like to people who hate all country music. I mean really, this song has pretty much every single negative stereotype about the genre. And what’s even more disappointing is that this is coming from Blake Shelton, an artist who usually presents himself with a great deal of dignity, even when he’s playing into the cornier, more light-hearted side of country music. And yet here he is, putting on the “dumb redneck” caricature, in the worst way possible.

Alright, enough of that rant, let’s take a look at what this pile of shit has to offer. The limp, stiff guitar can’t do anything to complement the percussion, which barely even exists. Say what you want about the rest of bro country, at least it has some life and energy to it most times. And in the rare moments the production gets some extra power with added electric guitar, it clashes with the main melody. When it’s not weak, it’s cluttered and unlistenable.

But then there’s Blake’s vocal performance, and OH MY GOD! He’s delivering these lines with a smug, sneering drawl, like he knows he can put no effort into this song and still have it be a hit, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

As for the lyrics, fuck the lyrics. They’re somehow both pandering and offensive to their target audience at the same time, which I didn’t even know was possible. It starts with a fucking vocal clip going “red-red-red-red-red-red-red-redneck”, so you know you’re in for a great time.

 

“Well the boys round here don’t listen to the beatles”

 

Yeah, out here we don’t listen to none of that city music. Stupid british. ‘Murica!

 

“And what they call work, diggin in the dirt

Gotta get it in the ground fore the rain come down”

 

Is it just me, or is this line incredibly condescending?

“Well the boys round here, drinkin that ice cold beer

Talkin bout girls, talkin bout trucks,

runnin them red dirt roads out kickin up dust”

 

Ok, now you’re literally just giving a list of cliches.

 

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no shit

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

 

You fucking broke the melody of your chorus to say “chew tobacco chew tobacco chew tobacco spit”!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

 

“Yeah the boys round here, they keepin it country

Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie”

 

That’s ok, I don’t think anybody else does either.

 

“You don’t do the dougie?

Naw, not in Kentucky”

 

You’re not even from Kentucky. I guess you could make the argument that “Kentucky” is the only redneck state that rhymes with “dougie”, but at the point where you’re finding a rhyme for an outdated dance that never even took off, you should just start over from scratch.

 

“Now the girls round here, they all deserve a whistle

Shakin that sugar, sweet as dixie crystal

They like that y’all and southern drawl

And just can’t help it cause they keep on fallin”

 

Yeah, I’m sure they do.

 

And then the song decides to become about hitting on women using your redneck status. Yes, really. They even get backing vocals from Blake Shelton’s wife, which is really funny considering she divorced him not long after this song came out.

Seriously, fuck this. It’s just a disgusting, cynical attempt to pander to lowest common denominator of country music listeners from an artist who really should be above this. Just a horrible stain on both country music and 2013 as a whole. Thanks for reading, best list coming sometime soon (hopefully), and until then, goodbye. Hydra out.

Look, I’m really busy right now and I don’t feel like giving detailed in-depth reviews to 20 different songs, a good number of which I’m neutral on, so here we go: top 20 ranked for the week of 1/26/19.

Shit Tier (0/5)

20. Drip Too Hard- Baby & Gun

Lil Baby still sucks

 

19. Youngblood- 5SOS

This is still here?

 

Bad Tier (1/5)

18. Girls Like You- The Adam Levine Show

This is still here?! Nope, not doing this anymore! Scrap this, I’ll just rank whatever’s at 21 instead. What is it?

Oh god, nevermind, I take everything back! I’m sorry!

17. Wake Up In The Sky- Bruno No Why Would You Do This

Ah shit Kodak’s back. And he might not be the worst part. That’s all you need to know about this.

Meh Tier (2/5)

16. Going Bad- Meek Mill ft. Drake

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about this one. Hold on, this is an actual top 20 hit with longevity? For real?

 

15. Thank U Next- Stans

Ariana makes her most personal song to date and it hits #1. That’d be great except the song is actually really boring.

14. Mia- Bad Bunny ft. Drake

Oh look, it’s Drake but in Spanish! And with really uncomfortable translated lyrics. Ok then.

13. Zeze- Kodak Black ft. Better Rappers

This song would actually be good- maybe even great- if Kodak just shut his FUCKING MOUTH and never opened it again.

12. High- Panic! At The Disco

Panic! At The Disco got their first hit in over twelve years. And it is perfectly average.

Decent Tier (3/5)

11. Taki Taki- Snakey Boi

    This song might actually be complete garbage.

10. Money- Cardi B

Best Cardi solo hit since Bartier Cardi.

 

Guess she’s better doing guest verses on other people’s songs.

 

9. Mo Bamba- Sheck Wes

8. Sicko Mode- Travis Scott ft. Drake

Hold on

I got the songs mixed up.

 

Eh, whatever,  I won’t fix it. You get to decide which one is higher.

 

Good Tier (4/5)

7. Without Me- Halsey

 

Halsey, please go back to being awful. My life was easier that way.

6. Wow- Toast Malone

She say she tired of little money, need a big boi

 

5. Better Now- Ghost Malone

This is still here?

Great Tier (5/5)

4. The Dog Dies In The Video- Marshmello ft. Bastille

 

This was one of the songs that had to be cut from the honorable mentions. Great lyrics, great vocals, weak drop.

3. Eastside- Ben Shapiro ft. Halsey & Khalid

I’ve talked about this song before. Go read my best list.

2. Sunflower- Swae Lee & I Can’t Think Of Anything Else That Rhymes With “Post”

Into The Spider-Verse deserves an Oscar.

1. Breathin- Ariana Grande

The best song Ariana will ever make. There’s even a decent chance this’ll top my 2019 best list. Easily one of the best pop songs of the decade, it has amazing vocals, relatable lyrics, and a fantastic synth solo, so of course it was a late-album single that’s already being forgotten in favor of boring Thank U Next and that disaster 7 Rings.

Life is not fair. Or good at all, really.

 

This week was a 56/100. I guess that’s fine. I could’ve put time into this one, but nah. Who even cares about the Top 20 in January?

 

 

Alright, the fun one!

 

Like I said last time, I enjoyed 2018 a fair bit more than most other music critics. Ironically enough, I don’t think anybody hated 2017 as much as I did, so while everyone was calling 2018 a letdown, I considered it an improvement. As I was going through the worst list, I started to wonder why I even felt that way. But now that I’ve moved on to the best, I can say that while this year’s best might not be better than my favorites of 2017, there are certainly more high points this time around. So let’s get into it!

HM. I Fall Apart- Post Malone

YE Position: 39

 

Oh wow, a hot take already. This is not good.

 

While I’ll admit Better Now was a more emotionally complex look into a breakup, it can’t compare to the raw emotion Post displays here. The production is shrill and hollow, a perfect backup to Post Malone’s wailing, filled with enough passion to make this feel genuine. And it’s this that makes a melodramatic line like “devil in the form of a whore” work. And yes it does go into flexing, but I see that more as Post Malone trying to cope with getting dumped. Hell, he pretty much says as much on the bridge. He’s doing this stuff to try to brush it off, but he can’t. I can see how this song might turn people off, but for me, it was one of the most emotionally powerful songs of the year.

HM. Stir Fry- Migos

YE Position: 48

Despite the absolutely terrible 2018 Migos had, at least they also put out what is most likely their best single to date. The production stands out especially, actually being produced 10 years ago by Pharrell. The percussion takes the spotlight, being fast paced and aggressive, and being backed by thick bass what sounds like crickets. It’s kind of a miracle this beat wasn’t a complete disaster. And for once, all three Migos pull their weight. Quavo’s usually my least favorite, put here he might actually be the best part as he handles the first verse and all three hooks with solid flows and a lot more charisma than I’ve come to expect from him. Offset and Takeoff also sound great, and all three have their share of genuinely funny punchlines.

HM. Ric Flair Drip- Offset & Metro Boomin

YE Position: 38

 But Offset’s solo hit was better than any song he put out as a part of Migos this year. The crisp, icy beat provides a great backup for Offset’s energetic flow. Yeah, the lyrics are kind of basic, but with how smooth and catchy the song is, I really can’t care about that. Not much more to say, just a really solid trap rap song.

 

HM. Perfect- Ed Sheeran

YE Position: 2

I’m not even sure if this song is that good. It’s a very basic love song with a good vocal performance some pretty nice production, but there’s really nothing too special about it. But somehow, through all the massive overplay this song got this year, I did not get sick of it. I like Perfect now exactly as much as I did when I first heard it, and that’s gotta count for something.

 

HM. Finesse- Bruno Mars ft. Cardi B

YE Position: 14

On the flip side, here’s a song that burned out on me really fuckin quickly. And now I like it again. The production is a nice throwback to 90’s swing, and Bruno sounds fine, but the real star here is Cardi B. She sounds like she’s having a blast here, and she’s able to transfer that feeling to the listener as well. Great song, and I hope Bruno goes back to making retro throwbacks instead of… whatever the hell Wake Up In The Sky is.

HM. Sky Walker- Miguel ft. Travis Scott

YE Position: 75

One of the few notable trends we got in 2018 was really bizarre comebacks, most of them being really good! For example, take Miguel. He had some success from 2011 to 2013 before completely falling off, only to get this hit out of nowhere early this year. And good thing two, because this song is pretty great. The hazy and spacious production complements Miguel’s smooth vocals amazingly with its light trap percussion and bouncy synths, while also working well with Travis’s verse. And yeah, the lyrics are pretty cheesy, especially with some of the references, but Miguel knows that. He’s just having fun here, and it shows. Not a song I return to often, but one that I always enjoy listening to.

HM. Nonstop- Drake

YE Position: 52

This is my favorite Drake song of the year. Yes, even more than Nice For What. The beat is effectively menacing, with grimy, lo-fi bass and rapid percussion. It works especially well on the “drop”, with the “my head is spinning” vocal sample. Drake is great here too with his deadpan delivery, to the point where I can almost buy him as a threatening hard-edge rapper. But not completely. Give this song to someone like 21 Savage and it would’ve worked a lot better. Still, great job Drake, I wish the rest of Scorpion was more on this level of quality.

HM. Nice For What- Drake

YE Position: 11

With that said, however, Nice For What deserves a mention too. The Lauryn Hill sample sets such a triumphant atmosphere, and Drake rides it surprisingly well. And by the way, Maroon 5, this is how to do a female empowerment anthem. Instead of being emotionally manipulative or pandering, the message here is just “go out and live your life”. Then halfway through, we get the breakdown. It’s loose and fun while still staying musically coherent, which really isn’t that hard to do, what the fuck, In My Feelings? Deserved to be the defining Drake song of the year over God’s Plan and In My Feelings, definitely.

HM. The Middle- Zedd, Maren Morris & Grey

YE Position: 8

So, here’s another overplayed song I never got sick of. Only this time, the song actually grew on me over time. Instead of feeling like a retread of Stay, The Middle is more like the final product with Stay being a beta version. Maren Morris is a country singer, but she’s able to lean into this type of pop-edm pretty effectively. The production, meanwhile, is sharp and precise, combining its synthetic elements with some organic percussion and guitar. And yes, I am aware that this song was made for Target commercials, but when the end product is this great, I can’t really complain.

HM. Tequila- Dan + Shay

YE Position: 32

Ah yes, the biggest country song of the year, an emotional ballad about all the memories that can come flooding back from one small thing, accompanied by beautiful guitar and piano-lead production. Meant To Be? What’s that? Never heard of it. Anyways, great song, but not quite the best of its genre this year. As I’ve said before, 2018 was an amazing year for country music. But more on that later.

HM. Eastside- Benny Blanco, Halsey & Khalid

YE Position: 77

I’m honestly a little surprised this song gained enough traction to make the year-end list. Hell, it might even make next year’s also with how well it’s doing on the radio. And it’s not hard to see why, with the calming production and surprisingly great chemistry between Khalid and Halsey. But what got it a mention on this list are the lyrics, which tell the story of two people- played by Halsey and Khalid- who fell in love when they were young, now struggling with the pressures of adult life and wanting to go back to the days when they could get away from their problems and be together. Great song, always look forward to hearing it on the radio, and Benny Blanco does not deserve to be credited as the lead artist. He’s not even the main producer. What the fuck?

HM. Powerglide- Rae Sremmurd ft. Juicy J

YE Position: 97

 

Oh my god, how are these the same guys that made Swang just one year ago?!

 

But don’t think this song is only here due to lowered expectations, no, this is awesome. The production and hook make you feel like you’re going through a wind tunnel, and as for the rappers- they all do great! Swae Lee’s a naturally good singer, but he tends not to use his voice in the best way (see Swang). Here he does, though, with some great energy and a couple good ad-libs on the second verse. Slim Jxmmi isn’t the best, but he certainly is trying, and he only gets one verse anyway. Juicy J closes up the song, and he sounds a lot better than usual, even with the “chinny-chin-chin” line. Rae Sremmurd’s careers are probably dead, but at least their last hit was their best song.

HM. Say Something- Justin Timberlake ft. Chris Stapleton

YE Position: 85

 

If this song didn’t feel dragged out near the end and the verses weren’t so underdeveloped, it would’ve made the list. The production is absolutely gorgeous, with its lush acoustic guitars and subtle latin influences in the percussion. Justin sounds good, but he’s overshadowed by Chris Stapleton’s rougher, deeper voice despite him only providing backing vocals. But what really sells me are the lyrics and message. It can be tempting to throw yourself into every controversy, but sometimes you need to take a step back and think “is it worth it”? In 2018 especially, this is a message more people need to hear. Again, it’s a shame that its structure holds it back, but it’s still a song worthy of this honorable mention. Glad Justin was able to score at least one hit despite all the backlash he got this year.

 

Also Filthy was good too. No I’m not going to apologize for that take.

 

So, with all that out of the way, what actually made the list? Well-

Number 10

 

 

You remember me talking about I Fall Apart, right? Well, what if we got a song this year from a performer with more experience with the subject of heartbreak and misery, with added real life context, and an epic climax? Oh that’s right, we did! …and people hate this one too. Shit.

#10. Call Out My Name- The Weeknd

YE Position: 78

Alright, this song is about Abel’s relationship with Selena Gomez. That “I almost cut a piece of myself” line, that’s not some metaphor, that’s a reference to how the Weeknd offered to donate his kidney to help her with surgery that ended up saving her life. Some people accuse this song of guilt-tripping, and-

 

Maybe it’s guilt tripping a little bit, and this does sort of hold the song back from being even higher, but that’s kind of unavoidable when you’re describing a breakup you didn’t want to happen. Abel even admits that he wants her to stay with him, before adding that he knows she doesn’t want him. He’s less trying to win her back, and more frustrated with himself for not being able to let go while Selena moved on quickly. He’s not used to feeling this way, if his past music is any indication, and he sounds absolutely destroyed.

Sounds? Oh right, this is a song. Let’s talk about the actual music here, shall we? The song starts off ominous and quiet, with light piano and bells. As the song goes on, heavy drums and eerie synths are added, as Abel’s voice gradually builds, until the terrifying climax right before the final chorus, where he screams “Call out my name” at the top of his lungs while being swamped in speaker-distorting bass. Then everything calms down after that chorus, with ghostly backing vocals and light touches of violin as the song fades out. Not The Weeknd’s best work, but the easy standout on that EP that no one remembers, and I’m glad it managed to make the year-end list.

Number 9

Shit, that was kind of a heavy way to start off a best list, huh? Good thing this song isn’t.

#9. No Limit- G-Eazy ft. Cardi B, A$AP Rocky

YE Position: 30

I’d like to clarify that the version of the song that made this list is the original, not the remix. The remix feels dragged out and none of the additional verses are all that good.

So, um… the lyrics really aren’t anything special. I like the dynamic between G-Eazy and Cardi, with Cardi playing the role of the stripper who’s taking all of G-Eazy’s money, and the Jared reference is… something, I guess, but no this song is only here because of how it sounds.

The beat is fast-paced and intense, with the piano in the back of the mix adding a slight ominous tone that sets a great party vibe while also keeping you on your toes. And all three rappers ride this production perfectly. A$AP Rocky’s deeper voice sounds great on the hook, and as for G-Eazy, I’ve heard people call him the weak link of the song, and… they’d be right, but it’s not like he’s doing badly or anything. He projects this “I’m too cool to care” vibe, and then Cardi comes in and just runs away with the rest of the song. Like I said before, she plays the role of one of the strippers G-Eazy is fucking, and she sounds like she’s having a great time as G-Eazy gives her all his money. It’s a nice twist that adds another perspective to a pretty basic concept. Awesome song, an easy standout in the rap scene this year. So why is it only at #9?

“Damn Daniel, back again with the, hah, Saint Laurent”

Referencing Damn Daniel is inexcusable and the writers should be ashamed of themselves.

 

Number 8

 

And now for some sad country!

#8. Mercy- Brett Young

YE Position: 95

 

Brett Young was one of the newer country singers last year that was able to maintain success into 2018, and while I liked In Case You Didn’t Know, it can’t compare to the pure sadness that is Mercy.

This song is pretty barren instrumentally, with only a sparse piano melody and the occasional strum of acoustic guitar. But it works. Then there’s Brett’s singing, and his soft, vulnerable voice was pretty much made for a song like this. He sounds absolutely crushed.

But where the song truly shines is in the songwriting. It starts with Brett Young asking why his girlfriend wants to keep the relationship going despite not loving him anymore. Good setup, but how does Brett feel about the relationship? Is he going to try to convince her to stay, because as he puts it “his flame’s still burning”?

“If you’re gonna break my heart, just break it”

Oh.

“If you ever loved me, have mercy”

 

Oh wow. He wants her to just end it to keep the both of them from suffering any longer. That’s actually a really mature approach. In the second verse, we get a couple more details, like how at this point she’s only calling him when she’s drunk and alone, and how while he wants to be with her, he’d rather not keep this cycle going and just end things for good. Emotionally complex, mature, and heartbreaking, and I can’t stand to hear this song on the radio. Yeah, a few months ago, this song could’ve made the top three, but now I realize it’s not really a song I’d choose to listen to unless I’m in a specific mood. With that said, fantastic job Brett, I hope your career doesn’t die anytime soon.

 

Number 7

 

 

It’s insane how much this guy’s quality has changed over the past two years. In 2016 he released one of the worst, most insufferable “nice guy” anthems I’ve ever heard, but then in the summer 2017 he put out a fun, catchy pop song I ended up listening to a lot in a pretty dark time for music. What I didn’t expect, however, was for him to get even better.

#7. In My Blood- Shawn Mendes

YE Position: 46

For a while, I didn’t really like this song. Then one day, a couple months ago, I was feeling horribly stressed and depressed, and this song came on. And I connected with it. I got the appeal.

 

This is here just for the lyrics, but I’m not gonna say this sounds bad. In fact, the pounding drums and the swell of the guitar is very potent, and Mendes is clearly putting his all into this song, which makes sense, the struggle portrayed in the lyrics iis very personal for him. This song illustrates Mendes’s mental health issues, primarily anxiety, as he tries to plug the holes in his life with drinking and girls just to get rid of his loneliness and insecurities. And then you could also look at this song through the point of view of the co-writer, Teddy Geiger, who happens to be trans. Now I’m not gonna claim I know a lot about the trans community, but I do know that they have very high depression and suicide rates. So no matter which angle you view this song from- whether that be from Mendes, Geiger, or your own- you’ll still be able to get a lot out of it. I wasn’t expecting to be praising Shawn Mendes again, especially not two years in a row, but he earned it. Amazing work.

Number 6

But on the subject of continued major improvement from artists I’d never thought I’d be putting on a best list two years ago-

#6. How Long- Charlie Puth

YE Position: 65

Alright, how did we get here? Sure, I liked See You Again back in 2015, but ever since then I’ve liked nothing Charlie Puth put out. Hell, I wasn’t even a big fan of Attention, which seemed to be his “turning point” in the eyes of most critics. The bassline was good, but it wasn’t enough, and Charlie Puth came off pissy and unlikeable, even if it was sort of justified. But then this happened and fixed all the problems I had with that song. The funk groove is more fleshed out and punchy, with quick snappy percussion complementing the insanely catchy bassline. And then there’s Charlie himself, and unlike with his older stuff like One Call Away, here he’s taking advantage of his lower register, which is actually pretty great. The transition between the prechorus and the chorus is especially awesome, with how it suddenly drops into that fantastic bassline.

But then we get to the lyrics, and… this is something special. The idea here is that Charlie Puth is admitting to cheating, and taking full responsibility without glorifying it. He sounds sincere and I genuinely believe he feels bad about his actions. The hook, meanwhile, switches to the girl’s perspective, who’s, needless to say, pretty upset. Which is also understandable. It would’ve been so easy to make either Charlie or the girl the “bad guy”, but that doesn’t happen. Both sides still come out likeable, and that’s honestly really impressive. Never thought you had this in you, Charlie, but now that I know you’re capable of this-

 

(skip to 0:14)

Oh. So this was all a part of your plan. Well shit, nevermind I guess.

 

Number 5

 

Imagine Dragons. This band has been the target of quite a bit of hate recently, ever since the release of Believer in early 2017. And for the most part it’s been undeserved. Yes, I did hate Believer, but since then, I’ve liked everything they’ve put out. Thunder grew on me a lot since last year, and Natural is basically Believer done right. And then there was that other one… what was it? Oh, that’s right, my fifth favorite hit song of 2018.

#5. Whatever It Takes- Imagine Dragons

YE Position: 37

 

I do have a few issues with this song, namely the clunky percussion on the chorus. Seriously, what the hell is that? Is it a cowbell? Either way, it sticks out way too much. Fortunately everything else makes up for it. The production has epic swell with the backing vocals, but it stays controlled, creating a relaxing vibe while still having just enough to keep you on edge and invested. Dan Reynolds also tones back, letting his vocals build steadily rather than just going all out with no hesitation.

The lyrics and narrative also manage to work, detailing how Reynolds feels trapped by the music industry, but at the same time, he enjoys it. He’s become addicted to the struggle to stay relevant while also trying to maintain his creative vision, and he won’t stop until he’s dead, and when he does die, he’ll be satisfied with everything he’s accomplished. It’s kind of a dark sentiment, but the writing is able to make it sound epic, like a great adventure or battle. …which explains why this got used in so many trailers. I honestly don’t care about that.

Not Imagine Dragons’ best, I’d take about half of their debut album over this, but still a fantastic song that even this band’s harshest critics don’t have much animosity for. Good job guys, you should go in this direction instead of what you decided to do on Origins. Yeah, don’t do that ever again.

 

Number 4

 

In February, Black Panther was released, and it went on to become the highest grossing solo superhero film. Its original soundtrack, produced by Kendrick Lamar, also experienced massive success, with three songs off it making the year-end. And while All The Stars was good without being great and King’s Dead was just hilarious, neither could measure up to the soundtrack’s biggest hit, Pray For Me.

 

By the way, the video might cause seizures. Watch out for that. If you get a seizure, that’s now your fault for not listening to me.

#4. Pray For Me- The Weeknd & Kendrick Lamar

YE Position: 40

 

This is just the perfect song for a superhero movie, it’s a shame it was wasted in the movie, but whatever. The production is the perfect combination of dark and epic, the cold and mechanical bass anchoring the shadowy, looming swell on the chorus. The Weeknd was a perfect choice for this song, as his voice conveys all the desperation and sense of struggle needed. Kendrick’s verse is nowhere near his best work, but his somewhat monotone delivery creates a good contrast between him and The Weeknd, as while the Weeknd was struggling emotionally, Kendrick sounds completely resolved in facing this enemy and doing whatever it takes to defeat them. The tone and lyrics end up working both within the context of the movie, and as a standalone piece with characterization, story, and even a hint of political commentary. And I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point clear. Best song off the black panther soundtrack, and if Shallow and Sunflower are any indication, it looks like the trend of great soundtrack hits will continue into 2019.

 

Number 3

 

So, I never hated Thomas Rhett. He’s a decent singer with some charisma, and I even liked a couple of his songs. Yeah, he’s released some of the worst country songs of the decade, like Crash And Burn and Vacation, but I always felt he had potential.

 

And fortunately, I was right.

#3. Marry Me- Thomas Rhett

YE Position: 76

 

This is one of the best-written songs in recent memory. It starts off with Thomas describing this girl planning her wedding, and then the chorus switches over to himself and what he’ll be doing at the wedding, you’re set up into believing that this’ll just be a standard wedding song where Thomas is getting married, nothing special, nothing new, kind of sweet, but that’s it. And then-

 

“Yeah she wanna get married”

But she don’t wanna marry me”

 

Goddamn, that’s a plot twist. It catches you off guard, hits you hard emotionally, and immediately gets you invested in the song’s narrative.

 

The second verse then fleshes out the background between Thomas and this girl, how they’d been friends since childhood, and there was one moment where they almost came together, but it just didn’t happen. He’d loved her for a long time, always wondering if she felt the same way, but then he gets the wedding invitation. The second chorus resonates a lot more now that you know the context of why he’s going to hide in back, take a shot of whiskey to help him get through it and try not to cry.

 

The emotion peaks on the bridge, however, where Thomas, on the wedding, has the sudden impulse to go find her and confess his love, and you think this song might go downhill, follow the path of Wait by Maroon 5. But he stops himself, realizing how happy she is and decides to put her happiness and well-being above his own, a massive step up in maturity coming from the guy who made “Crash And Burn” just three years prior. And so, he just wishes her the best and does exactly what he said he would- sit in back and try not to cry as she gets married. What a masterpiece of songwriting.

 

…What helps is that the song sounds beautiful, with its steel guitar and piano sounding like the typical backdrop to a wedding track, which only adds to the heartbreak, and Thomas singing with more passion than he’s ever had before, passion that I didn’t know he had in him. Amazing song, deserved every bit of critical acclaim it received, and yet I liked two songs even more this year. Let’s see what they are.

Number 2

For the longest time, I thought this was a lock for the #1 spot. When I realized the song that did top this list actually had a shot of making the year-end, this got pushed down, but it was still a difficult choice to make because…

 

Holy fuck this really is something special.

#2. Let You Down- NF

YE Position: 29

 

“Oh haha, look at this guy, he likes a Jesus song lol hahahahaha” no shut up. Yes, NF’s a Christian Rapper, but that doesn’t mean all his songs are Jesus-related. Hell, this song didn’t even touch the Christian Charts. It’s not about Jesus, it’s about NF’s father, ok, got it? Now it’s time to actually, y’know, talk about the song.

 

Well, where to begin. How about the narrative? This song explores NF’s complicated feelings towards his father. On the one hand, he’s resentful. Nothing he ever did could be enough, he was constantly guilt-tripped and told he was wrong by a neglectful, alcoholic father. He’s essentially given up and is trying to cut his father, this toxic presence, out of his life, and yet-

 

“Feels like we’re on the edge right now

I wish that I could say I’m proud

I’m sorry that I let you down”

 

He still feels like a failure. And that’s the thing about that kind of psychological abuse, it lingers. You can be aware that you’re being manipulated, while still succumbing to said manipulation. It’s almost like stockholm syndrome. And the whole song is set in that single moment where NF tells his dad everything, puts all his feelings out there. He even says he would’ve liked to work things out, but his dad is still unwilling to have that conversation, instead attempting to sweep it under the rug and make everything seem ok. And the song ends on a note of tired defeat as NF reaches the conclusion that his father will never change and just leaves.

 

And the emotion is there in a lot of the vocals and production choices as well, with the pitched-up vocals on the first hook acting as the voice of a child, and the final chorus combining both normal vocals and pitched-up vocals bringing a certain sense of closure. There’s also how each verse is slightly more stripped back, like each one is revealing deeper layers of NF’s feelings. Now if only the percussion wasn’t so formulaic and NF didn’t start each verse with a “yeah”, this could’ve been #1, as well as one of the best songs of the entire decade. But even with those minor flaws, I still love this song and I’m glad it took off in the way that it did. But it’s not #1.

Number 1

Well, here it is. My favorite hit song of 2018, and one that, sadly, I feel will get largely overlooked by most critics, as just one of those “filler” country songs that take up slots near the bottom of the year-end. But I’m going to give it all the credit it deserves. Luke Combs, this one’s for you.

 

#1. One Number Away- Luke Combs

YE Position: 96

 

From the first opening second, this song is absolutely perfect and stunning, with that bleak, spacious guitar, which maintains a dark, jagged tone in the first verse, as Luke wonders to himself what his ex is doing, almost confrontationally, while giving some appreciated details about her character. But then on the chorus he drops all of that and breaks down, admitting that he’s still not over her, despite everything he said, he goes to call her, all being reflected in the instrumental shift to smoother electric guitars, but at the last moment he stops himself, one number away, because he knows he broke up with her for a reason, and he can’t take everything back now.

 

The second verse is even more aggressive, as he begins to ask his ex if the “smoke in her mirror is clearer” without him, and if she’s “replaced their favorite song”, which can work both literally and as metaphors, you can interpret that however you want. He’s upset by the very possibility, and yet again he goes to call her, and despite stopping himself again, he’s still desperate to even hear her voice, and all this frustration builds and builds into Luke Combs screaming the song title and a guitar solo that feels powerful and cathartic as hell, before calming down, and ending perfectly with a repeat of the guitar line in the opening. What a masterpiece.

 

This really is the best country hit since either Blown Away or Colder Weather, more than six years ago. Honestly I’m surprised country radio actually played something with this much raw intensity and power alongside fucking Get Along and Meant To Be this year. It may have only just scraped onto the year-end, but the fact that it made it here at all is good enough for me. One Number Away by Luke Combs- the best hit song of a pretty mediocre year.

 

And that’s the end! Sorry this one was a lot shorter than the worst list, I guess it’s easier to rip something apart than praise it. 2018 felt like kind of a chore to get through. Which is why my next worst and best lists will be for my favorite year for popular music ever- 2013. Also coming up soon will be a top 20 ranking sometime in February. And as a bonus, here’s the hot 100 for 2018 ranked:

 

1. One Number Away
2. Let You Down
3. Marry Me
4. Pray For Me
5. Whatever It Takes
6. How Long
7. In My Blood
8. Mercy
9. No Limit
10. Call Out My Name
11. Eastside
12. Say Something
13. Powerglide
14. The Middle
15. Tequila
16. I Fall Apart
17. Rockstar*
18. Nonstop
19. Ric Flair Drip
20. Nice For What
21. Stir Fry
22. Perfect
23. Finesse
24. Sky Walker
25. Happier
26. Thunder*
27. Natural
28. King’s Dead
29. Him And I
30. Delicate
31. Back To You
32. All The Stars
33. Love Lies
34. Lucid Dreams
35. Trip
36. Better Now
37. Simple
38. Feel It Still*
39. Heaven
40. Havana*
41. Plain Jane
42. Bartier Cardi
43. Lemon
44. No Tears Left To Cry
45. Wolves
46. Mine
47. Look Alive
48. Too Good At Goodbyes*
49. Boo’d Up
50. Love
51. I Like Me Better
52. God Is A Woman
53. One Kiss
54. Young Dumb & Broke
55. Dura
56. Freaky Friday
57. Plug Walk
58. Sicko Mode
59. Psycho
60. This Is America
61. Big Bank
62. Meant To Be
63. God’s Plan
64. New Rules
65. Shape Of You*
66. Motorsport
67. I Like It
68. Be Careful
69. 1-800-273-8255
70. Get Along
71. Bodak Yellow
72. Never Be The Same
73. Girls Like You
74. Changes
75. Lights Down Low
76. You Make It Easy
77. I Get The Bag*
78. IDGAF
79. Gucci Gang
80. I’m Upset
81. In My Feelings
82. Sad!
83. Youngblood
84. Taste
85. Outside Today
86. Moonlight
87. No Brainer
88. What Lovers Do*
89. Friends
90. Walk It Talk It
91. Yes Indeed
92. Sorry Not Sorry*
93. Bad At Love
94. Believer*
95. Mi Gente*
96. Fefe
97. X
98. Gummo
99. Wait
100. Te Bote