Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2019

After 9 months of posting nothing, I am happy to announce that we are, in fact, back in this bitch.

 

Dumbintroimage
Because I couldn’t be bothered to find a good image

2019 was a fucking incredible year for music.

I mean it, this is easily the best year since 2013. Country was explosive, Hip-hop was consistently solid overall with some amazing new talents popping up (side note: this is also the year a bunch of “soundcloud rap” I previously just dismissed clicked with me out of nowhere), pop, rock and edm were… nonexistent, and the few we did get weren’t that good, but hey they can’t all be winners I suppose. Think about it: for new debuts we got Lil Nas X, Billie Eilish, DaBaby and Lizzo- all great! And that’s not even mentioning the unbelievable comebacks- like who the fuck thought Billy Ray Cyrus would ever get another charting song, let alone one of the biggest songs of all time? God, I could just go for hours gushing about all the great music we got this year…

But if you’ll look at the title, you’ll see that I sadly can’t do that. Positivity can wait, because it’s time to give the people what they want- lazy by-the-numbers cynicism and feigned rage. Yaaay! Fun!

I apologize for that, I’ve just been feeling bitter and negative for a long-ass time, and I’m sick of it. That shit sucks, it ruined like the past 3 years of my life. Please note that these are just my opinions no matter what, and it’s totally fine if you disagree. Most of my more extreme reactions are hyperbole, anyway.

Btw I did do a list similar to this one last year, it’s on this website, go check it out, I highkey snapped on a few of those reviews. But opinions do change over time, and this is what that list would look like if it were made today:

  1. Te Bote
  2. Wait
  3. Fefe
  4. X
  5. Bad At Love
  6. Sad!
  7. I’m Upset
  8. Yes Indeed
  9. FRIENDS
  10. Gummo

So a couple notable changes. First, I just don’t have it in me to truly despise Gummo anymore. At least it feels like it had some effort put into it. Walk It Talk It and No Brainer were both inoffensive enough to get bumped off in favor of the song threatening your partner with suicide, and Drake bitching about having to pay child support. I was almost going to let Yes Indeed off the hook too, but then I relistened to it, and… it’s still pretty bad.

 

But fuck the past, it’s time to analyze the… more recent… past. Ok that doesn’t work. Fuck it. Top worst hit songs of 2019, starting with dishonorable mentions- some of which I really had to reach for, seriously this year was just so solid. But anyway, here we go-

 

DHM. Leave Me Alone- Flipp Dinero

YE Position: 71

Look, I’m aware this song is absolutely awful in pretty much every way, from Flipp Dinero sounding like if Fetty Wap got addicted to meth to the schizophrenic beat, but sometimes this song’s a big mood, okay? During a very small window of time in March this year, this song was like my fucking anthem. Those were dark days, but they do count for something.

 

DHM?. Baby Shark- Pinkfong

YE Position: 75

 

I don’t actually hate this song at all, but I think we should all take a moment to acknowledge the fact that a song made for literal toddlers made the year-end hot 100. Truly, this was a surreal year.

 

DHM. Please Me- Cardi B & Bruno Mars

YE Position: 37

Remember Finesse? That was a thing last year. I still really like that song. But there’s plenty of reasons why I’m not nearly as fond of Cardi and Bruno’s second collaboration. And part of that may be due to how I’ve lost all good will I had towards Cardi B originally. Even beyond her outing herself as a shitty person, the wide array of new female rappers we got this year pushed her out of the spotlight, and rightly so. But what I usually give Cardi is she does have a distinct personality, which is absent here. Despite the sexual lyrics, this song feels extremely sanitized and safe- it just reeks of desperate corporate execs trying to churn out a big radio hit. Bruno sounds way more assertive than Cardi- which is just wrong- but not in a good way. He sounds like a creepy drunk guy here- not the only time he came across that way this year, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And going back to Finesse for a moment, this production is a massive downgrade. We went from a fun 90’s retro sound to this… deluge of mediocre synths.

DHM. Close Friends- Lil Baby

YE Position: 74

The production on this song is fantastic. It feels so deep and chilled, like a clear beautiful lake.

But Lil Baby is a dick.

 

DHM. Thotiana- Blueface

YE Position: 47

This year had a lot of um… unconventional? songs from random rappers who have already faded from relevancy. Some- like Mo Bamba and Shotta Flow- were pretty good. But then there’s Thotiana- one of those songs I wanted to get into but I just can’t. The whole thing is just too loose and unfocused, it comes across as really sloppy. Blueface isn’t really a bad rapper (despite his gimmick being not rapping on beat, which is just stupid), and he’s done some good stuff, but he’s always going to be remembered for this messy White Frat Boy anthem.

Also, I just thought of something: at least one child has been named Thotiana by this point. Imagine six years from now, first day of kindergarten, the teacher calls for Thotiana while taking attendance, and everyone laughs. This laughing and mockery continues until one day, Thotiana’s had enough. Next thing you know, she’s the first female mass shooter. Wild, huh?

DHM. Speechless- Dan + Shay

YE Position: 35 (how and why)

 

Remember how hyped I was for these guys after Tequila nearly made my best list? Yeah, well one pop crossover later and they lost all that good will. Forget Lewis Capaldi, this is an example of “and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-” abuse. Just a sterile wasteland of a song overall.

 

DHM. Hey Look Ma I Made It- Panic! At The Disco

YE Position: 61

I almost considered giving a mention to High Hopes- aka the Pete Buttigieg song- as well, but while that song is just bland, it never actively gets insufferable, what with the production and the lyrics.

“and if you lose, boo hoo”

“HEY LOOK MA I MADE IT”

Contract testicular cancer and die, Brendon Urie.

 

DHM. 7 Rings- Ariana Grande

YE Position: 7 (lol)

Ariana Grande had an… interesting 2019, to say the least. I mean, this was the year she tried to become black and gay at the same time, all while this song dominated the charts. And her two latest singles completely flopped so… where does she go from here? Hopefully somewhere better, because this really doesn’t work for her. The lyrics and production would all make for an average brag rap song, but Ariana is clearly not a rapper. Hell, she’s not even rapping on this song, she’s just kind of speaking aggressively. With that said, most of the conversation surrounding this song is a complete mess. It’s not all that problematic or harmful to anyone (except maybe the poor “whoever said money can’t solve all your problems must not’ve had enough money to solve em” real classy), and hey, I guess basic white girls need hype songs too. I used to hate this song way more, but now- I suppose things could be worse. And on that note- the top 10.

 

Oh wait I got a couple more

 

DHM. Beautiful- Bazzi ft. Camila Cabello

YE Position: 95

 

I hate this song for what it represents. This should not be on the year-end, and you can’t convince me that this had more of an impact in 2019 than This Is It by Scotty McCreery, Good As Hell by Lizzo, and even Never Really Over by Katy Perry. Mostly I’m just pissed about This Is It. Everything was pointed in its favor, and yet it just missed out nevertheless. See? I even included it on my best list. Had a whole great dramatic intro for it and everything.

Capture
Never forget. RIP 😦

But couldn’t I blame one of the other songs blocking it off like Walk Me Home? Sure, but the story gets worse with Beautiful here.

Earlier this year, I did a rankdown on this website called Pulsemusic. Basically I made a bunch of other music nerds rank 50 songs that just missed the 2018 year-end that didn’t have a chance at any other year-ends.

Guess what song I included in those ranks?

FuckyouDelphox

Fuck you Delphox. Bitch-ass motherfucking shitcock.

 

DHM. God Only Knows- for KING & COUNTRY

Not a hit- not even close, but it did chart for a couple weeks, and it’s legitimately one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. If I was feeling suicidal and I heard this song, I’d have hung myself before the first verse finished. Yes, it’s that bad. And people call this song therapeutic and emotionally compelling? Ugh.

 

I could write several essays on how horrific that song is, but none of y’all want that. Now let’s do this shit for real.

And just as I was finalizing this list, it turns out that Juice WRLD has died.

Number 10

 

This year, I expect to see songs like Be Alright and Someone You Loved pop up on more than a few worst lists. And I don’t really agree with that. Someone You Loved is just mediocre (when I called it a masterpiece on twitter I was just kidding), and Be Alright… well, you’ll have to wait for the next list to hear my thoughts on that one.

But there was one piece of adult contemporary radio fodder that did piss me off this year.

10. You Say- Lauren Daigle

YE Position: 60

Alright, firstly, just like with Let You Down last year, I feel the need to preface this by saying this supposedly being a Christian song does not matter. I’m not Christian, have no interest in Christian music, and this song doesn’t even explicitly mention God or Jesus, so doesn’t matter really. Just a regular song as far as we’re concerned.

First problem I noticed with this song was the production. It’s the same two piano chords, or notes, or whatever played on loop for the whole song. Actually that kinda reminds me of a certain other song, what was it?

Oh right, this. Good thing I thought about this too, because You Say has so little to it that it’s necessarily to artificially extend this segment by comparing it to another better song. The piano line in Someone Like You is repeated, yes, but it’s actually complex and doesn’t get tiresome 30 seconds in. Someone Like You had Adele’s deep soulful voice, You Say has the complete non-entity that is Lauren Daigle. Someone Like You had a story to tell and a reflective tone, while You Say can be, well, a bit problematic.

“The only thing that matters now is everything you think of me”

Ignoring the close proximity of “thing” and “everything”- which is just technically poor songwriting, that’s… not the best message. This is supposed to be a song about overcoming insecurities, and don’t get me wrong, having people around for support can be very beneficial. However, if you lean on them too much, you won’t start feeling self-positive on your own, and you’ll be left seeking constant validation. And the reason I chose to showcase that line in particular is because it encapsulates the worst implications You Say’s main theme can lead to- your happiness is now dependent on someone else’s view of you. And if they don’t like you anymore? Well, guess it’s back to isolation and depression! Yes, I know that the “you” in this song is probably Jesus, and yes, I know I’m looking too deeply into a song for white christian moms to get lit to, but come on, what else am I supposed to say? “It’s boring”? Well yeah, no shit it’s boring, it’s a fucking insomnia cure. Ugh, that’s all I’ve got. #9?

 

Number 9

My number 9 was originally going to be Robbery by Juice WRLD. My main criticism of the song was that it felt like a shitty emo song from 2005, and a much less compelling retread of Lucid Dreams. But with the news of his death, I’d genuinely feel like a shitty person if I left up an entry mainly just mocking him and tearing the song down. It was all for exaggeration and comedic effect, but… still.

 

Good thing this song soured on me at the last possible minute!

9. Only Human- Jonas Brothers

YE Position: 78

I’ll have to keep this brief; I’ve already promised several people this list would be out three days ago.

First of all: wow y’all really didn’t know how to follow up Sucker huh? Second: I’ve always fucking hated that horn thing.  Y’know, the main part of the beat. Hated it on Suit & Tie, hate it even more here because it never stops. Sounds like asthma. Third:

“Stop pretending you’re shy, just come on and dance dance dance”

Or maybe she’s pretending to be shy (she might not even be pretending) to avoid talking to you. Cause you’re giving her good reason. I’d fuckin avoid you.

There’s more bad lines I could pick apart, but like I said, I’m late on this already. So next song…

 

Number 8

 

Uhhh… top 10 anime crossovers?

8. Baby- Lil Baby ft. DaBaby

YE Position: 84

Ok, what an inexperienced (lazy) critic might dwell on is the title “Hahaha they really named a song with Lil Baby and DaBaby “Baby”.” Yeah sure, it’s kind of a meme-y title, and I doubt the song would’ve been as big under a different name, but it wouldn’t be a problem if the song itself was good.

And guess what? The song’s not good- it’s actually pretty fucking terrible. But before I tear into it, I’d like to exempt DaBaby of any criticism. Look, I love this guy, he’s one of the best new rappers of the past few years, and he is trying on his verse, trying to work with this flaccid cock of a beat. And of course I get why he made this song, the opportunity was too much to pass up. It’s probably the most phoned-in performance I’ve ever heard from him, but he does keep the song from ranking higher. God, I wish Baby Sitter with Offset was a hit instead of this. That shit slaps, go check it out if you haven’t. What was I talking about? Ah yes, the other Infant. The evil twin. The Meg Griffin- where the fuck am I going with this what the fuck-

I’ve said my piece on Lil Baby before with Yes Indeed, and most of that applies here as well. I will at least admit that his verses are catchy in an irritating way, but what use do I have for his tennis-ball sounding ass when Young Thug can do what he does with more range and personality, and put out an album this year? Well, at least Lil Baby can take solace in the fact that he’s not what truly tanks this song. That honor goes to the production. One of the worst beats all year, hands down. It carries no punch and never goes anywhere, just lingering under the vocals, sucking away any impact they might have had. I was joking before, but “flaccid penis” truly is the most fitting comparison here. It actually reminds me a lot of a certain other hit song from last year… what was it?

 

Bruh, if you’re gonna rip off anybody… why would you choose 6ix9ine?

 

But whatever, hardly anyone remembers this exists, never heard it discussed in school or online, so… ultimately it doesn’t matter. If you want a song that could actually have harmful repercussions, we have #7 for that.

 

Number 7

 

 

I said it last year, I’ll say it again here: Drake has the power to give anyone a hit, but he really should be more careful who he props up. In this instance, he brought back everyone’s favorite domestic abuser! So let’s all give this guy as much time and attention as he deserves: none!

7. No- No ft. No

YE Position: 21- I mean No

 

No.

 

Number 6

 

I remember a day- think it was sometime in late January idk that point of my life has just sort of blurred together- when a certain tracklist got leaked for an album I was… relatively interested in. Though the first two singles had me worried, I still had hopes, given this artist’s talent and potential- as well as a consistent track record of “good but not great” albums. But once I saw this song’s title- just the title- no actual audio, my hopes were dashed. And somehow I just knew it would be the next big single.

I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, and this song’s success should have been one of them.

6. Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored- Ariana Grande

YE Position: 36

 

I’ll be honest: part of me does appreciate how up front this song is with its scumminess. It’s not pulling a Treat You Better and claiming to be acting out of genuine love and fear for the other person’s safety: no, Ariana just wants to fuck. Ok, cool. That’s still a shitty thing to do. Lemme be clear: being horny? perfectly fine. I myself am horny quite often. I immediately regret saying that. The point is: nothing wrong with wanting to fuck some random guy- we’ve all been there, I’m sure. Wanting to fuck a guy already in a relationship? I mean I wouldn’t- that does feel kind of underhanded, but if it’s an open relationship and his partner’s fine with it, go ahead, it’s all good. Demanding this guy break up with his girlfriend- who he could potentially be in a long term serious relationship with- just so you can suck his dick for five minutes? Nah, that’s fucked up and selfish.

And I guess she tried to push this as some sort of lesbian anthem? But there’s absolutely no indication of that in the lyrics. Not that it would matter, the song’s toxic and entitled either way- but the only thing that really points towards this is the music video. And even then, it never goes all in, just playing around with the idea and some mild flirting. It even cuts out right before they kiss, because I guess that would’ve been too much. Seriously, who directed this, JK Rowling? It’s about on the same level of shitty half-assed representation. “Ooooh look, these two people of the same gender are HOLDING HANDS and- and- SMILING AT EACH OTHER! How wild!” Yeah, why don’t you shut the fuck up and show an actual gay couple grandma. Or is that too scary for the white suburban moms- the same ones who think Bernie Sanders is the fucking devil.

Anyways, fuck this song. Let’s hope for better lgbt+ representation in the next decade, and better music in Ariana’s next album.

 

Number 5

This is Eyes On You by Chase Rice. It was a minor hit this year, and I would have loved to put it on this list. I’ve been wanting a chance to tear into Chase Rice for years now, ever since his bro-country abomination Ready Set Roll from 2014. He’s been consistently one of the worst acts in country music, just producing the absolute bottom of the barrel every time. Thankfully the public recognized this and blockaded most of his efforts to cross over. Then this song happened, and it managed to just scrape onto the year-end list.

And y’know what? It’s aight. It shows some genuine improvement from the guy, and it makes for decent background noise. Not exactly high praise, I know, and I also know plenty of people hate this song. And y’know what? Fair enough, but this other country song came out the same week that was infinitely worse. And I’m so fucking pissed it managed to make the year end.

 

5. Talk You Out Of It- Florida-Georgia Line

YE Position: 94

I’m not even sure how this one managed to be a hit, it only barely cracked the top 60. I guess once you get on the inside of Nashville, country radio is obligated to push the hell out of your song no matter how worthless and shitty it is. Fun fact: this is the lowest-peaking song to ever make a year-end. We could’ve done a lot better, because now this piece of shit has something to remember it for! But at the rate the charts are going, it probably won’t be long until songs will make the year-end and peak at like 80 or some shit.

Anyways, I hate this song for one simple reason: it’s gross. I know that’s such a vague, nebulous term, but it’s true. The two douches attempt to be romantic, but they just show themselves as lazy assholes. The plot of this song is their girl wants to go out, but whoever it’s from the point of view of (Imma say “Florida”… god wtf does the other guy even do? In this scenarios, does he just stand in the corner and watch them fuck?). I got off topic, shit. Here we go: girl wants to go out, guy just wants to watch tv and fuck, and spends the whole song manipulating her into doing so, all accompanied by some blocky guitar. Yeah, I’m sure this’ll win all the ladies’ hearts. The public never wasted too much time on this shit, and neither will I! Number 4 time!

 

Number 4

 

Bruno, what the hell were you doing this year?

4. Wake Up In The Sky- Gucci Mane ft. Bruno Mars & Kodak Black

YE Position: 51

 

Here’s a song that just got worse with every listen. Hell, every time I thought about it, it soured on me more. And I could waste time talking about the production, but Imma be honest, it’s late right now and I’m tired and I already have enough to say about each of these three individuals as is.

Let’s start with the supposed lead artist on this song: Gucci Mane. But the funny part is, he only has one verse and it’s even shorter than Kodak’s. And that’s nothing new: Gucci Mane is just like this. He’s had two solo hits besides this one: Both and I Get The Bag. With Both- that’s the song title, btw, I’m not addressing both songs at once, I don’t blame you if you forgot it existed. Hell, I did. And that’s the only song of his where he gets more than one verse. What a coincidence that is. I Get The Bag, meanwhile- it’s a decent, average Migos song. Takeoff’s verse is pretty solid, Quavo does fine on the hook, and I think there’s one other rapper here, shows up towards the very end, who was that? Oh right, the SUPPOSED LEAD ARTIST ON THE SONG! What I’m saying is, he’s a complete nonpresence and sounds like a feature even on his own songs. But lack of distinct personality has worked to his benefit- how else could he have kept his career going for  m o r e  t h a n  t e n  y e a r s  w i t h  8 7  a l b u m s  a n d  m i x t a p e s- m o s t l y  r e l e a s e d  w h i l e  i n  p r i s o n. Well, perhaps that’s unfair- nobody actually bought his shit until he got featured on Black Beatles. And here, well he does his usual- fills around 40 seconds with nothing memorable. Great job continuing to build your legacy as hip-hop’s placeholder, my dude.

And as for Bruno…

Ok, I know people have said that once he ran out of throwback material, he’d have no idea what to do with his career, but like- those were supposed to be jokes. Between this and Please Me, I’m… a little concerned about his next album. Like, you okay buddy? Do ya need some time in rehab. You sound drunk- again.

All joking aside, what’s going on here? I don’t know why he delivers his lines like that, but he somehow manages to sound more rapey than the actual rapist. Speaking of-

“I’m so fly don’t need no flight attendant

Big Cuban link don’t need no pendant”

Why does Kodak still have a career? I thought we were done with letting terrible people blow up after 2018 ended. 6ix9ine’s gone and so is X (although that latter case is probably due to other circumstances). And Murder On My Mind was a hit this year too, so… yeah, guess not. Kodak’s still here probably cause Zeze fucking slaps, thanks to the beat, Offset, Travis- basically everything that isn’t Kodak.

But on this song, he might actually fare the best. He at least doesn’t disappoint. His voice sucks as usual, but his flow at least has some energy to it. There’s nothing all that bad about his verse, that is until the end where he tries singing.

“and I finally got my wiiii-iiiii-ings, they make me wanna siiii-iiii-iiing”

Yeah, sir, I’m gonna have to confiscate your wings. Pretty sure they’re against prison regulations anyway. Also, I don’t mean to body-shame, but do you really think going shirtless was the best idea? I mean, you’re out here lookin almost as bad as Juice… nevermind, that would be in bad taste now. He was a talented newcomer who was taken too soon.

Number 3

 

Ok, who’s ready for some bad yeehaw?

Image result for marshmello

No, no, I meant the one that actually belongs on the country charts. Don’t worry though, I’ll be getting to you two in a minute.

 

3. Knockin Boots- Luke Bryan

YE Position: 79

Let’s start with the non-negatives. Luke Bryan’s still an alright singer, and the productions starts out as complete shit, but it gets progressively better throughout the song (the first post-chorus solo not withstanding). By the end, you’re kinda like “aight, I can sorta vibe with this.”

At least you would be if not for the songwriting. As a writer, I just wanna give a bit of advice on gimmicks: you better be damn sure it can hold up. The gimmick in this song is every line involves “blank needs blank”. Can you see where that might get strenuous? Now allow me to over-analyze nearly every single lyric.

“this truck needs a half-tank

these wheels need a two-lane

this radio needs three songs to play

to get me cross town to you”

Ok, ok, fine so far.

“That dress needs to slip off”

We’ve entered sleazy territory, but ok, it’s not that-

“Friday nights need to do

what Friday nights need to do”

what does that-

“that’s the truth.”

What is? What’s the truth? What the fuck are you trying to communicate? Sex? Is that it? ‘Cause that’s not a Friday-night exclusive thing. I mean, my friday night routine is staying up too late posting shit tweets and generally being a sad fuck, and there’s nothin’ sexy about that.

“Yeah birds need bees and ice needs whiskey”

I’ll excuse the first one, but “ice needs whiskey”? Yeah sure, let’s pour alcohol on the icecaps to stop global warming. Thanks Luke Bryan.

“Boys like me need girls like you to kiss me”

Yeah the boys round here… drinkin that ice cold- dammit, why’d you have to remind me of that? Although I’d say we’re just about on that song’s level anyways.

and here’s the kicker-

“boots need knockin-

” knockin boots!”

Worst two seconds of the year. Oh my god. You take a shitty old expression that barely makes sense (why you wearing boots during sex?)

shitmeme

(spent a good 90 seconds of my life on this)

-not only do you use this dumb outdated expression for your fucking dad joke, you then have to rephrase it to “knockin boots”. This is the equivalent of that one friend at the movies who nudges you and says “hahaha get it? get it?” everytime someone says a joke. And you wanna punch em in the face, but you can’t because they’re your friend. With that said, I’d totally punch Luke Bryan in the face.

In case you’re wondering: no, the lyrics don’t get any better from here on out.

“That dance floor needs some me on you”

Bruh, don’t fuck in public. You’ll get in trouble!

“Tip bells need to be rung”

Ok, I agree. Service industry workers need tips to survive, they barely get paid anything.

“and backseats need I want you so bad”

uhhh… I don’t think you meant to say that part out loud. Although in reality, you shouldn’t have said any of this, and probably shouldn’t be allowed to talk to women anymore. Bye.

Number 2

 

Told ya it was coming!

2. One Thing Right- Marshmello & Kane Brown

YE Position: 89

Ok, this – this is where the songs start to genuinely piss me off. Pretty cool that we only got 2 of those this year. Ugh, where should I even begin? How about with this comedic masterpiece?

Image

Lol yeah ok sure buddy.

Alright, but for real now: the lyrics. Some might have a problem with them, because the song’s protagonist kinda sounds like a piece of shit, but nah, it doesn’t go that far for me. People make mistakes, and they can still deserve happiness after the fact. No, my problem is the fact that the writing is clumsy as fuck.

“mama had herself a little devilish child”

(later)

“actin’ like my mama’s little devilish child”

Not good. I dunno what else to say even, just… don’t write songs like this.

and of course, the main line of the whole song.

“I got one thing right-

 

YOU”

*cue shitty drop that we’ll discuss later*

Same problem I mentioned with Knockin Boots. If you’re gonna put all your weight on one or two words at the end of the chorus, you’d better make sure they can carry said weight. And the tone makes this line come off not as sincere, but more douchey and self-congratulatory.

 

But despite all that I just said, I don’t actually care about any of that. Nah, the real culprit here is Mr Stupid Generic Dumb Lazy Hack- I mean Marshmello. Electronic music basically disappeared from the charts this year- for a variety of different factors, I’m sure- but y’know what? Imma put all the blame on him. We could’ve gotten that Kygo/Whitney Houston song on the year-end, but no, we get this shit instead. Up until recently, Marshmello has been a mixed bag for me. Silence from 2017 is still a legitimately great song, and I even kinda liked Here With Me from earlier this year. On the other hand, there’s his hits Happier (death through overexposure), F-R-I-N-D-S (just terrible), and this… abomination. At least with Friends, not all the blame was on him. Here, it’s all his fault. Now comes the part where I try to pick apart the song’s production while pretending like I know what I’m talking about.

The song opens with a simple enough rough acoustic guitar. Not the worst thing ever, although it does feel like it’s trying a bit too hard at sounding authentic. You got a guitar. Congratulations. But immediately this ends up being a problem, because immediately afterwards the synthetic snaps and percussion are thrown in. Already everything’s clashing. It gets worse on the prechorus, where we get the addition of a loud popping sound and this formless squeaking synth cutting in and out.

But then the drop. Oh my god the drop. People have said that Marshmello’s drops are formulaic, and yeah I can hear it. But at least with something like Happier, the tones used were bombastic and uplifting, not sour and ugly like this is. Seriously, what is this bleep-bloop shit? On top of sounding awful, it clashes with literally everything else in the mix. The acoustic-to-electronic switch up has been done before. Hell, one of my favorite songs of all time- Wake Me Up by Avicii- does this. But if Wake Me Up is the best possible outcome of this idea, One Thing Right has to be the worst. Usually the worst I can say for an electronic song like this is that the producer didn’t try, but here it’s so bad I feel like Marshmello had to put in effort to make it sound this horrific.

Oh my god, I didn’t even get to the worst part! The bridge. Literally only about three seconds of music, and it’s enough to put me in a bad mood. The guitar is far too heavy and leaden, and everything else slows around it, it’s like being trapped in a collapsing building, I just- let’s just get to #1 before I hurt somebody or myself.

 

Number 1

 

Ugh, this is not gonna be easy.

I say that not only because of the song itself, but also because if any of you remember that top 20 ranking I did almost a full year ago at this point, I actually said I liked this song, and considered it a real step in the right direction for the artist behind it. But one day this song’s awfulness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew I had to put it on the list somewhere, I just didn’t think it would be all the way at the top. But this song’s inescapable nature was what sealed its fate, and despite some late competition from the likes of One Thing Right and Knockin Boots-

 

Yeah, this position could only ever belong to Halsey. Because with this song, she more than earned it.

1. Without Me- Halsey

YE Position: 3 (why tho?)

 

Let’s start with the part that blinded me to this song’s awfulness for a good while- the production. I liked the atmosphere. And I still like bits of it- that wind-tunnel synth sounds pretty cool. But the rest of it hasn’t held up. Especially the snare percussion being too loud, popping out of the mix. It sounds unprofessional. The pitch-shifted backing vocals are difficult to notice, but once you start hearing them they won’t stop tormenting you, and everything else is just… nothing. I don’t even know how to describe it, it just… exists.

So of course, when a song’s lacking in production, the focus is shifted to the vocals and lyrics, right? First of all, Halsey’s singing isn’t the worst she’s ever done- she’s not straining her voice like on Bad At Love, but I mean at least that was something. She sounds like she could not give less of a shit here, which just makes her come across as disingenuous on what’s supposed to be an emotionally charged song.

Oh right, let’s talk about those emotions. This song is allegedly about Halsey’s relationship with G-Eazy. Let’s hear it.

“Found you when my heart was broke

I filled your cup until it overflowed”

Alright, when you met him, he wasn’t doing so good, you made him feel better. That’s all good, pretty wholesome. Where does this go?

“Took it so far to keep you close”

Ehhhhh… define “so far”.

“I was afraid to leave you on your own”

Like in a more broad sense or literally? Because one is just inherent to relationships and the other is creepy.

“And then I got you off your knees

Put you right back on your feet

Just so you could take advantage of me”

Ok, that sucks. Yeah, I’m on your side now.

 

“Tell me how’s it feel

Sittin up there

Feelin so high

But too far away to hold me”

I’d… assume he’s fine. Isn’t he the one that dumped you?

“You know I’m the one who put you up there”

G-Eazy had 2 hits before you came along, Halsey. Like, I’m assuming that’s who you’re referring to. Him & I wasn’t even that big.

“Does it ever get lonely

Thinking you could live without me?”

Oh

Oh no

And just like that, so many ugly attitudes bubble up to the surface. 1) guilt-tripping. The chorus was guilt-trippy before, but it culminates in these lines. 2) narcissism. He can live without you just fine. 3) psychological abuse. You’re trying to make him feel dependent, like he needs you or else he won’t survive. This is actually a common tactic in abusive relationships: the abuser makes their partner too insecure to leave them. God, maybe this line from Him & I wasn’t a joke.

Capture.JPG

Hey G-Eazy is your penis ok? Just checking.

“Gave love about a hundred tries

Just running from the demons in your mind

Then I took yours and made them mine

I didn’t notice cause my love was blind”

I-

wow, there’s a lot to unpack there. First, we’ve already established that this is guilt-tripping. And while these lines follow the same pattern of abuse seen in the chorus, except worse because she’s now dragging Gerald’s mental health issues and addiction into this. And with the tragic deaths of artists like Juice WRLD and Mac Miller due to drugs, these lines become all the more horrific. Halsey frames it like she was just too innocent to understand how dark and twisted G-Eazy’s mind was- a completely backwards understanding of mental health that we should definitely be past in almost 2020. That’s not to say you can’t leave someone who’s in a bad mental state- if it’s too much of a burden on you, that’s fine. But to view it in such a spiteful way and project mental issues in this light on your #1 hit song is just disgraceful.

“You don’t have to say

Just what you did

I already know”

Interpolating a classic 2000s song in a way that makes zero sense in the context of the song’s narrative. Good job. Like what, are you calling him out for cheating? If so, why would he bring that up? And ok, he cheated on you. That’s bad. I’ll give you some sympathy there. If you want to write a song about getting cheated on, write that song. Don’t come in here with this fucking savior narrative where you just tried your best to rescue him but he was too far gone. Fuck. Off.

It’s such a shame that we almost let this incredible diverse year be defined by the stale leftovers of all of 2018’s worst aspects- dreary sound, toxic lyrics and all that other good stuff. I’m eternally grateful that Sunflower and Old Town Road blocked this from being the biggest song of the year. Next time I’ll be discussing the best of this year, so be prepared for that. I got a lot of shit going on in the meantime, but I’m hoping to drop that list on Christmas day. See you all next time.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2011

Unpopular opinion time: 2011 was a pretty weak year for music. I’m not saying it was a bad year, exactly, but of the three years I’ve covered so far, it’s the one I’d want to return to the least. The club boom of the past few years was being phased out, but not much came in to replace it, leaving us with a lot of mediocrity. Granted, there were enough legitimately amazing songs that became hits this year to keep it from becoming too unbearable. But with that being said, here’s the worst that this mediocre year had to offer, starting with some dishonorable mentions.

 

 

DHM. Stereo Hearts- Gym Class Heroes ft. Adam Levine

YE Position: 36

I can’t exactly find much wrong with this song, which kept it off the list, but if I ranked these songs by how little I wanted to hear them ever again, this would be in the top two.

 

DHM. She Ain’t You- Chris Brown

YE Position: 89

This song is redeemed slightly by the bright, catchy production (which I’m pretty sure is sampled, but I don’t feel like checking), but aside from that, this is trash. And that mostly comes down to the subject matter, where Chris Brown wants to go back to his ex, while showing exactly how he views these two women, from the fact that said women are different and individuals being a shocking revelation to him, to him describing how he wishes he could just “trade in” his current girlfriend. Just… god, what a terrible person. But, considering some of his past actions, I guess you could call this progress. Good job, you piece of shit!

 

DHM. Just Can’t Get Enough- The Black Eyed Peas

YE Position: 10

This song doesn’t exist and you can’t convince me otherwise. It was the tenth biggest song of the year, I’ve probably heard it countless times, but… all I remember is a bad interpolation of Kanye West’s “Heartless” and that’s it.

 

Wait, what are we talking about again? Oh, that’s right, Luke Bryan.

 

DHM. Country Girl (Shake It For Me)- Luke Bryan

YE Position: 81

 

Ah yes, Luke Bryan’s first hit song, and… look, the title sort of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Some decent production and singing can’t save the unbelievably asinine nature of the lyrics. This song has the line “shake it for the crickets and the critters and the squirrels”, like, who thought this was a good idea? And I especially love how the video tries to turn the song into female empowerment. It’s just hilariously pathetic and worthless all around.

 

And we go from one song that conveys all its awfulness in the title…

 

to another.

 

DHM. Tonight (I’m Fucking You)- Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris

YE Position: 16

 

This is mostly here just for the title, but some credit has to go to the sleazy, compressed production. Eh, at least it has a pretty decent Ludacris guest verse, even if he has the line “lemme see them pants”. Like, my dude, the song is called “Tonight I’m Fucking You” I don’t you don’t need to censor yourself.

DHM. Crazy Girl- Eli Young Band

YE Position: 76

 

I know this may seem like an outlier, but trust me it earned its spot. The production is a muddy mess of instruments trying to sound romantic, and the lyrics. Ugh. For a song about how much you supposedly love this girl, you sure do spend a lot of time insulting her. “Yeah, I obviously love you. You idiot. You freaking dumbass. You braindead slut”.

 

DHM. Pretty Girl Rock- Keri Hilson

YE Position: 70

I mean this sound fine enough, even if the drums are a little too stiff, but these lyrics are too much. I could just say I hate them for the blatant and excruciating narcissism, but that’s not entirely it. These lyrics maybe could’ve worked with a more forceful and charismatic singer, but Keri Hilson doesn’t really have any personality, so it just falls flat at convincing the listener. And Keri just comes across as self-centered and delusional as a result.

 

Also wait hold up is that a goddamn confederate flag in the music video? What the fuck?

DHM. Rocketeer- Far East Movement ft. Ryan Tedder

YE Position: 58

 

Y’know, say what you want about Like A G6, at least it had a unique sound. This is just some of the most generic pop rap in a year full of generic pop rap. All three verses are too short to leave any impact, and Ryan Tedder is stretching his falsetto to a painful extent. Yeah, there’s a reason Far East Movement are remembered as the one-hit wonders behind Like A G6. Their second hit just wasn’t worth it.

 

DHM. Motivation- Kelly Rowland ft. Lil Wayne/

In The Dark- Dev

YE Position: 53/83

 

These share a spot for one reason: both try to be sexy, but just end up sounding creepy and unnerving. If I had to pick one, though, I’d keep Motivation on the list. At least In The Dark has that catchy sax riff. Motivation is just awful from start to finish.

 

DHM. Cheers (Drink To That)- Rihanna

YE Position: 77

Not the worst song Rihanna’s ever made, but certainly the most boring and uninspired

 

DHM. Hold It Against Me- Britney Spears

YE Position: 63

I honestly could’ve put any of Britney’s three hits this year in this slot, they’re all pretty similar. The only reason I gave the edge to this one in particular is because of the awkward tonal shifts between the verses and the chorus- from heavy and sleazy to airy and lightweight. It just doesn’t flow smoothly enough. Oh, and that cursed fucking bridge. No wonder her career flamed out into irrelevance in the years to come shortly after.

DHM. Price Tag- Jessie J ft. BoB

YE Position: 93

 

So if you couldn’t already tell, the message of this song is “money doesn’t buy happiness”. And I agree with that. But it’s nothing new. And when Jessie J tries to paint herself as the only one standing up to a materialistic culture, that’s where the problems come in. It’s easy to say money doesn’t matter when you have enough of it, but try telling that to any minimum-wage worker struggling to pay rent. And then there’s the lines about how the music industry is all “low blows and video hoes”, and nothing makes me stop taking you seriously quite like some “wrong generation” bullshit. So as social commentary, this works about as well as Chained To The Rhythm did. Still, the inoffensive production and decent guest verse from B.O.B managed to keep this off the list.

 

HM. I’m On One- DJ Khaled ft. Drake, Lil Wayne & Rick Ross

YE Position: 47

 

This is mostly here for that terrible synth, but it’s not like the verses are much better. Especially with these two lines:

“have you ever made love to the woman of your dreams

In a room full of money out in London, then she screams?”

No. I haven’t. Because that is probably the most oddly specific flex I’ve ever heard.

“Put an end to your world, like the Mayans”

Oh.

But a pretty solid hook and verse courtesy of Drake saved this song from making the list proper. And speaking of that, I think it’s time we get into that.

 

Number 10

 

For a little context, I’d like to introduce you to Fast Lane by Bad Meets Evil- the collaboration between Eminem and Royce Da 5’9. And despite a few…questionable lyrics, I honestly love this song. The bars are pretty great (with a few obvious exceptions). But more importantly, it’s just filled to the brim with energy and intensity. However, this did not become the big hit off that project, no, instead we got this.

 

10. Lighters- Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars

YE Position: 34

 

Zzzzz… wha? Oh sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep there. Get it? Because this song is so

B O R I N G?

Haha, I know. Comedy genius right here. No, but seriously, this is the worst possible sound an Eminem song could have. Maybe that’s why Revival was such a terrible album. It was basically just Lighters 16 times along with 1 failed attempt at racial commentary. But back to this lifeless piece of shit. Bruno’s hook is passable enough, but something about the melody just rubs me the wrong way. And of course the production is limp and gutless, to the point where it manages to suck any intensity Eminem or Royce bring to the table.

And for a song supposedly about enjoying your success, the tone set in the verses is surprisingly bitter and harsh. And that goes for both Em and Royce’s deliveries, and the actual lyrics themselves.

“Had a dream, I was king. I woke up, still king”

Ok, admittedly, that line’s pretty-

“this rap game’s nipple is mine for the milking”

So of course you follow it up with that.

“Pardon me if I’m a cocky prick, but you cocks are slick”

Haha, dicks. Hey guys, aren’t dick jokes so funny? Isn’t this just peak comedy right here?

“I came up 5’9, but I feel like I’m 6’8”

We all know the only reason you went with “6’8” is because it rhymed with the last line. And for some reason that really bothers me.

Royce’s part has far fewer embarrassing lines, but it still has this.

“You’re goin’ down on somethin’ you don’t wanna see, like a hairy box”

Just… why?

Failing at everything you wanted to accomplish AND disappointing me? What a way to kick off the top 10.

 

Number 9

 

It’s kinda weird that out of all the disney stars turned singers, Selena Gomez has had the longest successful career. She had her first hit- Naturally- in 2010, and it’s a surprisingly great song.

 

So of course the song she released immediately after was complete shit.

9. Who Says- Selena Gomez & The Scene

YE Position: 78

 

For the most part, this isn’t a bad song- on a musical level at least. Yeah, the violins are a little too sappy and the na na na’s on the prechorus are pretty annoying, but no, most of my problems come down to the content. Well, looks like it’s time to nitpick lyrics again.

“You made me insecure

told me I wasn’t good enough

but who are you to judge

When you’re a diamond in the rough?”

What? You do realize you just complimented whoever’s putting you down, right?

“I’m sure you’ve got some things

You’d like to change about yourself

But when it comes to me

I wouldn’t wanna be anybody else”

You’re insecure, but I’m not. I’m very secure, everyone. Please believe me.

Then for some reason the focus switches to empowering the listener. Which I’d be fine with if the “you” pronoun wasn’t used throughout the first verse to refer to the people making her life worse. Also, this line on the hook:

“Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting?

Trust me, that’s the price of beauty”

Yeah no. This actually clashes with the song’s message of self-love. “You have to go through pain to become beautiful” fuck off with that. Even fucking Scars To Your Beautiful had the sense to condemn that mindset.

The 2nd verse is actually pretty good. I actually completely relate to it. Probably the only thing saving this song from being higher. Don’t have anything good to say about this bridge, though.

“Who says you’re not star potential?

Who says you’re not presidential?

Who says you can’t be in movies?

Listen to me, listen to me

Who says you don’t pass the test?

Who says you can’t be the best?”

Now you’re just listing off positive accomplishments.

“Would you tell me who said that?

Yeah, who said?”

What the fuck are you gonna do, hunt them down? “Yes, please give me the name, address and a brief description of the person who said that to you”.

Part of me does feel a little bad for tearing this song apart, as it apparently means a lot to Selena Gomez and was written based on her life experiences. But the writing is also convoluted and sloppy as hell, with one irredeemable line in the chorus, so this made the list regardless. <Insert joke about me saying the song isn’t perfect here>.

Number 8

 

Boy, this sure is a song that exists.

 

8. No Hands- Waka Flocka Flame ft. Wale & Roscoe Dash

YE Position: 45

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have put this on the list. I have literally nothing of value to say about it.

The horns on the chorus are too loud and blaring to be enjoyable, in addition to just being plopped on top of the mix. The rest of the production isn’t worth caring about.

And what about the three rappers? Well, Waka’s verse sucks because of his sluggish braying delivery. Wale and Roscoe Dash are both serviceable at best, but their flows are just really uninteresting.

So, uh, yeah… bad song. I don’t like  it.

 

Next?

 

 

Number 7

 

 

Did you know that Kidz Bop had a hit song? Well, they actually didn’t, but this next song is pretty much the same thing.

 

7. Tonight Tonight- Hot Chelle Rae

YE Position: 32

 

It baffles me that this was even a hit in the first place. I mean, this sounds like the theme to a rejected Disney channel sitcom, not an actual single that got radio airplay. I’m actually finding it difficult to even critique this it’s so bland. The production is some of the most sterile shit imaginable, the lyrics are basically every single party cliche that doesn’t have a naughty word, and the lead singer has this terrible flat monotone to his delivery. Especially when he says “la la la, whatever”. Like, did anybody involved even care? But there are a couple lines that do stand out.

“Woke up with a strange tattoo

Not sure how I got it not a dollar in my pocket

And it kind of looks like just like you

Mixed with Zach Galifianakis”

Uhhhhhh… okay then.

“Woah, all you singletons

Oh, even the white kids”

Bitch what the fuck is that supposed to mean?!

I’ve seen some people be a lot harsher towards this song, even going as far as to put it at the top of their worst lists. And while I do kind of see why, ultimately it’s too tepid and inoffensive to get worked up over. But don’t worry, I’ll definitely get pissed off at this next song!

 

Number 6

 

Shut the fuck up Chris Brown

6. Look At Me Now- Chris Brown ft. Busta Rhymes & Lil Wayne

YE Position: 21

 

Let’s start with this hellscape of a beat. This feels unfinished. The verses are empty except for that stupid whistling that bounces up and down at a nauseating pace and some percussion I think. The chorus is even worse, with a nasal garish synth bleeding over everything.

Chris Brown rapping. I should just leave it at that, you’d get the message. He doesn’t sound threatening or imposing at all (which is especially bad since it’s Chris fucking Brown, the violent abuser). And he ends his second verse by telling everyone to “say hi to his dick”. Busta Rhymes then hijacks his verse and… ok his part is kind of awesome, not gonna lie. Wayne’s verse is just mediocre, but he’s still miles ahead of Chris Brown.

Chris tried to make himself cool after two years of being hated by everyone, and all he did was make his features look better in comparison. And I’m happy about that. Say hi to your own dick, scumbag.

 

 

Number 5

 

 

When thinking back to popular acts in the early 2010s, most people won’t remember this duo.

 

That’s probably for the best

5. Backseat- New Boyz ft. Dev

YE Position: 84

 

If it weren’t for the hook, which is actually alright despite the obnoxious vocal pitch-shifting and painful production (which we’ll get to in a minute), thanks to a catchy melody and… fine enough vocals from Dev, this would rank much higher on the list, because oh my fucking god.

Let’s start with the production. What is even going on here. There’s a flat beeping synth that just jumps up and down the scale, handclaps that are way too loud and actively beating up the drums, another loud grinding synth, and some screeching sound. There’s too many clashing sounds going on that I have no idea how anyone could possibly dance to this.

And then we have the New Boyz themselves. Not only can they barely rap, but they also sound like complete douchebags. Lovely. And trust me, I didn’t want to do an in-depth lyrical analysis of a song where the lyrics aren’t really the focus, but I kind of have to in this case.

“Camaro, long stick, she just tryna fuck comfortably”

Are- are you supposed to be the Camaro? Because all I’m getting from that is the mental image of a girl riding a stick shift.

“She like my orange Camaro, she said let’s ride up and trick-or-treat”

Ok, let’s assume that in the last line, New Boy 1 was the Camaro. What the fuck does that make this line? I’m not even gonna touch that one.

“Like damn girl, damn girl, you fucks’n with the man, girl (x2)”

And this right here is just padding.

But that verse was just a warm-up, because here comes the second guy.

“I noticed you because your friends is freakin’ star-struck”

So you noticed her because her friends were hot? I don’t think that’s how it works.

“And you got more of that, how you say it? Shy swag”

S h y  s w a g

“Oh you a good girl? It’s cool I play pretend too”

Wait for it-

 

“Heard you had a baby, you want a New Boy in you?”

 

NO. 

That has to be the worst pick up line of all time. I mean I know its a play on their name, but the implication is still there, and it’s horrifying. “Hey what up girl I’m gonna fucking impregnate you”. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

While this isn’t as bad as You’re A Jerk or maybe even Tie Me Down, it still makes me glad that these guys split up a year later, never to be heard from again.

 

Also, fun fact, New Boyz and Hot Chelle Rae made a song together!

Why tho?

 

Number 4

 

Y’know what? Say what you want about Luke Bryan, at least his song wasn’t mind-numbingly boring with an extra layer of condescension and smug superiority.

 

In other words, fuck Jason Aldean.

4. Dirt Road Anthem- Jason Aldean

YE Position: 43

 

In case I hadn’t made this clear: I hate this guy. He’s a shell of a performer who’s managed to sustain a career for over ten years thanks to industry promotion and radio overplay. And while he’s made a few good songs, most of what he churns out ranges from boring filler to revolting garbage. Guess which category this falls into.

This is Jason Aldean’s biggest ever hit, for… some reason. Also the worst. Let’s start with the lyrics.

“You better mind your business man, watch your mouth

Before I come knock that loud mouth out”

Hahaha ok. This just comes out of nowhere. He goes from reminiscing about his childhood immediately to beating up people who gossip. Is there some stuff you’re tryna hide buddy?

“I’m tired of talkin man, y’all ain’t listenin

Them old dirt roads are what y’all’re (???) missin”

You can’t force people to feel nostalgic, especially about dirt roads they’ve never even been on. There are so many ways to write a good song about your past, and this ain’t it.

“I sit back and think about them good ol’ days

The way we were raised in our southern ways

And we liked cornbread and biscuits

And if it’s broke round here, we’d fix it

I can take y’all where you need to go

Down to my hood back in them woods

We do it different round here, that’s right

But we do it real good, and we do it all night”

 

Y’know what? Why continue when I could just sum up my feelings towards these lyrics with one image:

Related image

(yes, I know Jason Aldean isn’t technically a boomer, I don’t care)

 

And the problems don’t end in the “back in my day” bullshit. Jason Aldean rapping on the verses was definitely a mistake, and his singing is, as always, decent, but lacking any emotion or personality. And then the production is a mess of leaden, muddy guitars and drums that are a complete non-presence. Overall, this is just the musical equivalent of getting lectured by your grandpa. And Jason Aldean was only 34 when he made this like what the fuck. Kids these days, am I right?

 

Number 3

 

 

Remember the Maroon 5 super bowl halftime show? Didn’t it suck? I can’t say for sure, considering how much the radio loves them, but I think it could’ve ended their careers. Wouldn’t be the first time a bad halftime performance killed off a group’s career. Just look at what happened to the black eyed peas.

Or maybe that had more to do with this song.

3. The Time (Dirty Bit)- The Black Eyed Peas

YE Position: 37

Just… why?

You might think this is only here for the butchered sample. No, not really. The transition into the ugly, fuzzy drop is jarring, but more because it’s out of place and mishandled, not because it’s “sacrilege of a classic song” or anything. But even if the sample doesn’t fit well at all, that might be a good thing because everything around it is so much worse.

I already mentioned the production, but I’m gonna do it again. The mix is incredibly barren, with just the alternating fuzzy, glitchy synth and the uncomfortable squealing synth rising that just keeps going up. It makes me feel like my skin is dissolving. As for the verses? Well, none of them are good. At all. But I’ll let Will and Fergie off the hook.

Because Apl’s verse gives me more than enough to work with.

“A-all these girls like my swagger, they callin me Mick Jagger”

Why the fuck was rhyming “swagger” with “Mick Jagger” an actual trend?

“We ain’t messin with no maggots”

You better not do it.

“Messin with the baddest”

You’re on thin fuckin ice, Mr Apple.

“Mirror mirror on the wall

Who’s the baddest of them all?”

Not you!

“I’m the mack daddy, y’all”

Calling yourself the “mack daddy” to look cool in 2011

“Ladies, download your ap,

I’m the party application, rockin just like that”

You want the ladies to “download you”. Uhhh… ok. Hopefully they don’t download any viruses as well.

After this, the Black Eyed Peas’ only other hit was that one song I put in the dishonorable mentions that doesn’t exist. What a great ending to their careers!

 

Number 2

 

 

 

Well, you all knew this was coming.

2. Sexy And I Know It- LMFAO

YE Position: 57

 

Just like the last song, what is there to even say at this point? After the massive success of Party Rock Anthem, LMFAO needed something to capitalize on that popularity (which was a shame since that was their only not terrible song), so they chose this because pandering. If it weren’t for the title, this would never have gotten as big as it did, I guarantee it.

And before you say it, yes, I know it’s meant to be a joke. The joke is that they’re not actually sexy, and… that’s it. No payoff, just a setup. Unless you count the “wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah” part, which I don’t. And beyond that ONE joke, there’s really nothing worth remembering. The production is especially grating, with that one clunky synth loop that keeps drilling itself into your skull. It actually reminds me a lot of Birthday Cake, now that I think about it. Yeah, just wait til I get to 2012, that song’ll be getting a Te Bote-style review.

But back on the subject of Sexy And I Know It, fuck Sexy And I Know It. Completely irredeemable, one of the worst songs to hit #1 of the 2010s, and we’ve still got one song left to go.

 

 

Number 1

 

 

Let’s talk about the club boom. From 2008 to 2011, the pop music scene was dominated by dance club music. And like with every music trend, we got some good and some bad. But as I mentioned in the beginning, 2011 was when the club boom started to die down. Some people would point to Adele as the main cause of this, and I’d probably agree. But I feel like my #1 choice for this list had to have played a part in all this. And the worst part is, it came from two of the biggest figureheads of the movement, teaming up, and creating a song I can barely believe exists.

Pitbull, T-Pain, what happened?

 

 

1. Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor)- Pitbull ft. T-Pain

YE Position: 39

 

Let’s just make one thing clear: I do not hate either of these people. They’ve both made a decent number of songs I’ve liked, and I’ll even be highlighting that in my next list. And of course, both of them are at their best when they’re loose and fun with production to match. Well, needless to say, that’s not the case here.

Let’s start with the main offender- the production. This sounds fuzzy and unrefined, while also being too dark, pounding and blaring to work in a club environment. Oh, and the melody is just two notes droning over and over. And it’s at odds with the awkward, popping percussion. Unpleasant sound, aborted melody, clashing instruments. Just a nightmare on all front.

Now for our lead artists. Pitbull’s always been sleazy, but usually he can balance that with a sense of fun. Not here. His contributions to the hook feel like some guy’s drunken advances, and his verses are like said drunk guy proceeding to throw up everywhere. There’s nothing cohesive or right about his verses. A rhyme scheme is there, but none of the rhyming words are in the right places. Just look at this.

Dade county, self paid, self made, millionaire

I used to play around the world, now I’m around the world, gettin paid

 

Like, what is that? But T-Pain doesn’t fare any better. He sounds like all his personality was forcibly removed, so now he’s just a shell of autotune. His hook is also incredibly excruciating to listen to, as it just keeps going for like three fourths of the song. But is all that worth placing this song at #1 over Sexy And I Know It or The Time (Dirty Bit)? While I’d actually say I hate those other two songs more, Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor) is the perfect representative of the worst side of the club boom, as well as a massive heap of wasted potential that gets absolutely nothing right. Atrocious song, I can see why everyone (including Pitbull and T-Pain) has let this fade into obscurity, and I’d be just fine with keeping it that way.

 

That’s my worst list, stay tuned for the best of 2011, I’ll see you all then. Bye.

Top 20 Best Hit Songs of 2013

 

 

I said 2013 was a phenomenal year for music, and now I’m going to prove it. Even with extending the list to a top 20, there were still a surprisingly large number of painful cuts. After all, I consider over half of this year-end to be at least good, if not great. But I narrowed it down to just songs in the great tier (which still left me with a shit ton of choices), but this was the final result, starting off with the long list of honorable mentions (warning: some of these will piss you off)

 

HM. Catch My Breath- Kelly Clarkson

YE Position: 68

Admittedly this style is nothing new or special from Kelly Clarkson, but the melodies here are definitely more fleshed out than her other stuff from this era, making it easy to get stuck in your head, but not to the point where it annoys you. The lyrics, surprisingly, do a lot of the heavy lifting, describing her struggle for creative independence against her label. It’s a relatable topic for many artists, and many other songs have done this idea better, but it still gets its message across, and easily stands out as one of Clarkson’s best songs.

HM. Runnin Outta Moonlight- Randy Houser

YE Position: 98

Here’s proof to country elitists that bro country can be done right. The song’s all about Randy Houser showing up at his girlfriend’s house at midnight because it’s a beautiful night and he wants to share it with her. It doesn’t come off as anything but genuine and nice. Meanwhile, the song is supported by Houser’s deep, rich voice and loud, stomping production. Definitely a song I’m not afraid to admit that I really like.

 

But if you want a bro country song I am embarrassed for liking-

HM. That’s My Kind Of Night- Luke Bryan

YE Position: 78

So this is completely ridiculous. Nearly everyone has thrashed it thoroughly as one of the worst songs of the year, and I used to be with them. Then I started to think this song was so bad it was hilarious and I began to like it ironically. And then, all of a sudden, I started finding things to like. Something about how fully this song embraces every bit of stupidity in its lyrics and just has fun with it eventually won me over. Yes, the lyrics are almost to the level of Boys Round Here, but instead of just throwing those cliches out there and hoping they connect, Luke Bryan has the common sense to turn them into something, and to then sell them perfectly with charisma and lively production. If you wanted a song that manages to take all the worst aspects of bro country and turns them into something that’s actually pretty great, I’d point you to this song, and only be a little ashamed of myself for doing so.

HM. The Other Side- Jason Derulo

YE Position: 66

 

Jason Derulo’s a weird artist for me. He keeps putting out songs I either like or love, despite not being a very good performer. With that said, he’s clearly putting his all into this one. The production definitely helps, with the gentle guitar on the verses slowly building into the wonderful explosion of synths on the chorus. And yeah, the lyrics may be a little sappy, but who cares? Just an insanely fun, catchy song that even Jason Derulo’s biggest haters don’t seem to mind.

HM. I Need Your Love- Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding

YE Position: 56

I’ve been able to defend myself pretty well so far, even with fucking That’s My Kind Of Night. But here- I kind of can’t. There’s not really anything wrong here, but there’s no particular element that makes it stand out from the rest of the edm popular at the time. I guess the best reason I can come up with is the song just sounds very upbeat and positive, with Ellie Goulding’s ecstatic vocal performance and the energetic bounce of the glitchy drop. It’s not close to either artist’s best work- but especially with the mainstream edm scene right now, I’ll always enjoy returning to this.

HM. Berzerk- Eminem

YE Position: 67

Ok, I don’t understand how you can go from this to the dull sludge on Revival one album later. Now I’m sure some little 12 year old white boys (aka around 80% of Eminem fans), would argue that this isn’t lyrically clever enough, making it one of Eminem’s worst songs. But, like, that’s clearly not the point. It’s just meant to be a wild party song, you stupid little boy.

 

…I’m arguing with imaginary children, what the fuck am I doing with my life. Anyway, the distorted samples and Eminem’s aggressive flows help to make this one of the most out-of-control and awesome songs of the entire year. However, another song did what this one did even better, so I couldn’t put it on the list.

 

HM. Heart Attack- Demi Lovato

YE Position: 50

I’ve never liked Demi Lovato all that much. No matter what she does, it just ends up missing the mark for me. Give Your Heart A Break was fine, but unmemorable, Cool For The Summer tried to sound dark and epic but ended up with way too much of the former, and Sorry Not Sorry… just wait for whenever I make a worst of 2017.

 

But then there’s Heart Attack. The mix of guitar and dubstep-inspired synths sounds perfect, sounding intense but not overwhelming. The songwriting is also quite compelling, describing how terrifying it can be to really fall in love, which Demi Lovato manages to sell perfectly. Wish Demi Lovato was like this more often, because she definitely has it in her.

 

HM. Mama’s Broken Heart- Miranda Lambert

YE Position: 89

In a year filled with so much bro country, a song like this one really stands out. The premise is that Miranda Lambert is acting out after a breakup, and her mother calls her up and tells her to stop because “it doesn’t matter how she feels, it only matters how she looks”, and she needs to “act like a lady”. But Miranda’s not having any of that, tearing into those traditional gender roles her mother follows, the whole time being backed up by roaring chaotic guitars and pounding drums. Awesome song, country music needs more songs like this.

HM. Best Song Ever- One Direction

YE Position: 74

This song must have been a huge surprise at the time. I mean who would’ve expected this teen-pandering boy band to suddenly make this classic rock-inspired greatness? The writing’s a lot better here too, actually being about a specific girl instead of the self-insert “you”, and successfully capturing the feeling of a wild night you can barely remember the next day. And from this song onward, One Direction did start to improve.  And now this group is dead and all the members have their own solo careers with distinct styles, some of them even being good. And I’d like to think all of that is owed to this song.

HM. Just Give Me A Reason- Pink ft. Nate Ruess

YE Position: 7

This is a very good song that I don’t really care about. It sounds good, the storytelling and chemistry is great, and I’ll listen to it if it comes on, but out of all the songs on this list, it’s the one I return to the least. And the one I have the least to say about.

HM. I Cry- Flo Rida

YE Position: 64

In my mind, I’ve always associated Flo Rida very closely with Pitbull. Mainly because neither of them deserved all the shit they got. Like come on, if you really wanna get mad at dance club music, LMFAO and The New Boyz are right there. But enough about that, what about the song in question?

 

This is probably the most personal Flo Rida’s gotten in his music, referencing what it was like growing up in the projects, and how grateful he is that he’s made it out. The sampled hook also works surprisingly well, especially when Flo Rida harmonizes with it. And then there’s the production and Flo Rida’s rapping, both of which sound bright, energetic and hopeful, making it work as a motivational anthem as well. Good job, Flo Rida, and I’m really sorry about your sister. That must really suck.

 

HM. The Way- Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller

YE Position: 31

I’ve always considered this a very fun, catchy pop song with nice bouncy production and good performances from everyone involved, but listening to how happy Mac Miller sounds on his verses gives me such a strange feeling now, and I don’t know if this makes the song better or worse. Leaning more towards the latter, though.

 

HM. Hall Of Fame- The Script ft. Will.i.am

YE Position: 85

Look, this isn’t anything particularly original or innovative, I’ll admit that. But for me at least, this works as empowerment anthem. And there’s a few reasons why: 1) the usage of the “you” pronoun makes it feel more direct, 2) the lyrics are more specific and actually encourage the listener to work to pursue their dreams, and 3) the instrumentation is quite powerful, with the gleaming piano and thunderous drums. Believe it or not, this song was the closest to making the list. Consider it my number 21.

 

HM. Demons- Imagine Dragons

YE Position: 62

I feel like I should’ve put this on the list. Dan Reynolds is giving one of his most passionate vocal performances to date, and the lyrics are very powerful, if a bit melodramatic. However, the production doesn’t really “explode” enough on the chorus, taking away some of the emotional intensity. And there’s also just the fact that I never come back to this song. It’s great, and I’d definitely listen to it if it came on, but I’d hardly ever choose to listen to it. Radioactive and It’s Time are just so much better. Still, that doesn’t make the song any less potent or epic.

 

HM. Treasure- Bruno Mars

YE Position: 30

What is there to even say? This is just great fun. However, Bruno went on to make better funk throwbacks with Uptown Funk and 24K Magic, so unfortunately I can’t see much reason to come back to this. But hey, at least the intro’s hilarious.

 

HM. When I Was Your Man- Bruno Mars

YE Position: 8

 

And here’s another Bruno Mars song that’s become relatively forgotten, only this time I can’t see why. Yeah, it’s a minimalist piano ballad, but the lyrics more than make up for it, describing how Bruno regrets not being a better boyfriend, before hoping that her new boyfriend is treating her better, which is a really mature perspective that I can respect.

 

But didn’t Bruno Mars have another hit in 2013? One that everyone likes, way more than the previous two I’ve mentioned? Well, they’re right, it is better, and that’s why it’s #20.

 

20. Locked Out of Heaven- Bruno Mars

YE Position: 11

Like Treasure, this song also has some influences from the 80s, mainly The Police, to the point where it almost directly copies their style. Now, I don’t care about this at all, since I know next to nothing about The Police. What I do care about, however, is this song, which is fantastic. The funk guitars are punchy and vibrant on the verses, complementing the hiccuping backing vocals, but on the chorus the guitar is combined with a soaring synth line and hard-hitting drums, while the backing vocals continuously go higher and higher, building to a massive climax at the end of the chorus, before reverting back to normal. Bruno’s also singing his heart out, about not getting to have sex. Yeah, they don’t even try to hide that metaphor, the prechorus literally says “your sex takes me to paradise”. Eh, whatever. Doesn’t make the song any less awesome.

 

Number 19

 

 

I’ve defended this next guy in the past, mostly last year, when everyone was tearing into his latest album, while I thought it was a perfectly passable album with a couple great songs. But with that being said, I don’t think I’m going to have to justify this to anyone.

19. Mirrors- Justin Timberlake

YE Position: 6

Apparently this was written as a tribute to Justin’s then-fiance, and he did not hold back at all. Some people think the “mirror” sentiment is egotistical, and… no, not really. He’s not in love with her just because she’s a copy of him, it’s that they’ve become so connected and unified together that they’ve become like reflections of each other. And then there’s Justin, who sings with a great deal of emotion and sensitivity. And with the elegant strings and cascades of synth, this is just a gorgeous song.

 

…However, it drags on way too long. The second half- which comes in around the 5:30 mark- just isn’t that good, and I’ve usually tuned out by then, because it’s not interesting enough to justify itself. It’s perfectly fine, but whenever I listen to this song, I usually skip over that part. If that didn’t exist, or if it was more compelling, I could’ve put this one a lot higher, but as it is… I still really like it.

 

Number 18

 

Here’s a song that you probably expected to be a lot higher. And don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic song that I really do love, it’s just that there are a ton of songs this year that are better and more overlooked in my opinion. But anyway, here’s Daft Punk.

18. Get Lucky- Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams

YE Position: 14

Is there anything I can say that hasn’t already been said? Well, yeah, there is one thing: the lyrics and vocals are nothing special. I mean, Pharrell’s good, but he doesn’t exactly leave a unique impression. So the fact that Get Lucky still made the list in spite of that truly is a testament to how great this production is! Every single instrument has an unbelievably tight groove, and when combined, it just sounds amazing and hypnotic. It has an ethereal vibe, like you’re floating through space while listening to this. And the bridge utilizing Daft Punk’s synthesized voices is just the icing on the cake.

It’s a little weird that it took until 2013 for Daft Punk to have a crossover hit, but I’m not about to question a good thing. There was an opportunity for a “get lucky” pun there, but I have just enough self-respect not to make it. Probably.

 

Number 17

 

Here’s a song that you probably expected to be a lot higher. And don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic song that I really do love, it’s just that there are a ton of songs this year that are better and more overlooked in my opinion. But anyway, here’s Macklemore

 

I just copy-pasted that from my preamble for Get Lucky. Wow, I’m lazy. Come on, me, it wouldn’t have been that hard to come up with something original.

 

17. Can’t Hold Us- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton

YE Position: 5

After the unbelievably massive success of Thrift Shop, Macklemore made this his next single- a song that proved he could be great while being serious as well. And before you ask, no, Macklemore’s third hit Same Love isn’t on the list. Mostly because it’s a song I respect a lot more than I like. But back to this song, which is essentially a song boasting Macklemore’s newfound success, while still staying humble and taking time to thank all the people that made it possible, through clever and well-written lyrics.

 

And that’s not all, because this song sounds epic. Macklemore, as usual, has incredible charisma and flow, and he’s backed by triumphant horns, driving bells, and ghostly backing vocals. Excellent song, deserves all of its acclaim, and we’re not even in the top 15 yet.

Number 16

 

It’s funny how popular trends in music can vary around the world. For example, in the mid to late 2000s, electronic music was huge in Europe, but it didn’t cross over to the United States until the 2010s. So when this group released their goodbye song, it became their first (and only) hit in the US. Oh, and the song’s pretty great too.

16. Don’t You Worry Child- Swedish House Mafia ft. John Martin

YE Position: 26

This song is just a fucking behemoth of edm. It utilizes so many different-sounding synths and blends them together seamlessly, creating a huge, uplifting atmosphere that continuously evolves- having moments with just a single faint piano line, as well as titanic, explosive drops. This was a good choice for a final song, you always want to end on a high note. The lyrics are amazing as well, looking back on childhood memories, and the advice given by a parent- “don’t you worry child, see heaven’s got a plan for you”- that they have held to this day, being expressed through John Martin’s hoarse, powerful voice. Swedish House Mafia may have broken up, but at least they ended their career with this wonderful piece of music.

 

Number 15

 

 

Best country song of 2013.

 

15. Highway Don’t Care- Tim McGraw ft. Taylor Swift & Keith Urban

YE Position: 77

 

 

Ok, first thing I noticed about this song while putting the list together- it’s really similar to One Number Away, just with a worse narrative. But even if it is a lesser version of One Number Away, so what? That was my favorite song of 2018, after all.

 

But the lyrics are significantly worse because there’s a lot more projection and less reflection (I know that sentence sounds unbelievably dumb, shut up). But there’s still a lot to like here, like how Taylor Swift plays the role of a song the girl is hearing on the radio, and she still has surprisingly good chemistry with Tim McGraw. And the song does feel incredibly genuine and heartfelt on the chorus.

 

But honestly, this wouldn’t make the list at all if not for the production. Yeah, Keith Urban’s the highlight of a song, I never thought I’d say that either. Granted, he’s just playing guitar and not singing, so that helps. And the whole song really just feels like buildup to the two guitar solos, the first one being a lot more intricate than the second, but the second one just hits you with so much more emotion, as it follows the repetitive yet still powerful bridge, and comes in to end the song on a perfect note.

Number 14

 

Damn, I knew 2013 was a strong enough year for this next song to have some competition, but I didn’t expect it’d be pushed all the way down to 14.

 

14. Counting Stars- OneRepublic

YE Position: 63

Now THIS is a much better anthem than 22 was. It describes the desire to escape the corporate system and go on adventures, to live with more risk, and it sounds like it. The production, Ryan Tedder’s voice, the melodies- all of them feel like they’re in constant motion. And not like in a “motion sickness” way, in a good way. Not much I can add, just a fantastic anthem that I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to at some point in their lives. I just happened to like thirteen other songs this year more.

 

Number 13

 

Fun fact: I almost left this off the list entirely. Not because it doesn’t deserve it, I just have nothing to say about it.

 

 

13. Still Into You- Paramore

YE Position: 100

 

Like, come on guys, it’s just so happy… with Hayley Williams’ exuberant vocals, the punchy, bright pop-rock production, and the lyrics, which are well-detailed and presented in such a joyous way that it’s just incredible. It doesn’t make any sense that this was at the bottom of the year end list, this feels like the perfect hit. Okay, next song, I told you I didn’t have much to say about this one, but I’ve got quite a lot to say about this next one.

Number 12

 

Oh boy. I don’t think many people are going to agree with me here. Because this is a song attacking the critics. Almost always, that’s a bad move. Just look at what happened with Taylor Swift and Look What You Made Me Do, or to a lesser extent, Shake It Off. To get me to side with you, you have to give the critics some degree of respect, while still refuting their points leveled against you. Going back to the previous example, Taylor Swift did neither. Lady Gaga did both.

 

12. Applause- Lady Gaga

YE Position: 37

 

Let’s start with the production, which could also serve as a response to those saying her music “sounds too weird”. Its sound resembles that of Poker Face, Just Dance, and most of her earlier work. Except the synths are a lot harsher and choppier, before exploding into a discordant mess on the chorus, without reaching the point where it becomes painful to listen to. It’s a more subtle response, and it was definitely smart to leave criticisms of her music out of the lyrics, as that would just make her look horribly insecure and weak.

 

But how about the lyrical content itself?

 

“To crash the critics saying, ‘is it right or is it wrong?’”

 

From the second line, the type of critic Lady Gaga is addressing is made clear- the kind that doesn’t really know how to criticize the art, so instead targets the artist. I mean, go back and look at the reviews she got around this time, a lot of them barely even mentioned the music in question, almost like they were trying to find something to complain about.

 

“I’ve overheard your theory ‘nostalgia’s for geeks’

I guess sir, if you say so, some of us just like to read”

 

Yeah, see, there’s a perfect example of that. Because she made an 80s throwback hit, she’s trying to “pander to geeks”. But aside from that, some people might take issue with some of this song’s other lyrics, more particularly the prechorus and chorus, because “I live for the applause” makes it sound like she is only doing it for the attention. However, taking the rest of the song into consideration, I’m going to interpret it a different way: she needs to have these fans who cheer for her to counteract all the shit thrown at her, and if you look at it that way, it’s actually really understandable. And it even makes her looks less full of herself in the process.

 

Congratulations, Lady Gaga, you managed to take an idea that could very easily backfire horribly, and turned it into the best hit song of your entire career.

Number 11

I have always felt most of the criticism thrown at this guy was unfair. He at least had more ideas and experimented more often than most of his contemporaries, and you couldn’t really mistake his reckless production style for anyone else. But on the other hand, I always thought he was always holding back, at least in his pop crossovers.

 

That is until he released this song.

 

11. Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

YE Position: 44

Now, see, this is how you use production to create a mood. The story is about being in a relationship where one person is giving real in return. Florence Welch sells the weary frustration portrayed in the lyrics effortlessly, while the beat stays low, but threatening. Like a coiled snake. And then when the chorus hits, all that frustration is realized in both Florence Welch’s passionate vocal performance and the wiry beat’s continued buildup. And then it’s all released in the drop, and oh boy is this a drop. It’s angry and fierce enough to feel cathartic, with the rapid-fire synth. But even when it lets loose, never once does it lose control of its atmosphere and impact. The song even ends amazingly, with the drop fading into the background, like a machine being shut off. One of the most underappreciated songs of 2013, and one of the best edm songs of the decade. And it just missed out on the top 10.

 

Number 10

 

 

So, I know I’ve had some controversial opinions in the past, probably like eight on this list alone, but I don’t think anything I’ve said will award me as much backlash as putting this song on the list. Plenty of people hate this song, even going as far as to describe it as “audio torture”. And for a while I actually agreed with them. But then one day it just clicked with me, and I’m going to try my hardest to defend it.

 

10. Bugatti- Ace Hood ft. Future & Rick Ross

YE Position: 91

 

No, no, this is not a joke. I legitimately think this song is better than Can’t Hold Us, Counting Stars, and Get Lucky. And I know that you all hate me now, so let me make my case. First, even I’ll admit that the lyrics aren’t that good, aside from a couple “memorable” lines. But this song manages to make these basic lyrics sound epic.

 

The production. Oh my god the production. I didn’t know Mike fucking Will was capable of this. It’s what makes this song so disgusting to some people, but I absolutely love every second of it. It knows when to be calm and restrained, and it knows when to just let loose. On Future’s hook, it sounds ominous, almost creepy, like you’re walking down a pitch-black corridor. And then the drop hits like a plane into the twin tow- shit, no, shouldn’t continue that metaphor. Abort. What I’m trying to say is it sounds explosive, with that power-drill synth cutting in and out in the background. And then it continues into Ace Hood’s verses, and he is on fire here, going in with so much intensity and ferociousness; both his verses are like riding a rollercoaster going at breakneck speed, it’s just exhilarating. And while he’s definitely the weak link here, I’m not going to overlook Rick Ross’s verse. His flow isn’t nearly as strong as Ace’s, but I do love how the production alternates based on his delivery. Wow, with both Future and Rick Ross, this almost feels like an apology for UOENO, and if that’s the case, apology accepted. An overlooked masterpiece, I wish we got more trap rap that went as hard as this does, while actually pulling it off (unlike “Look At Me!” or Gummo). And if you’re still mad at me for this choice, I’ll let Ace Hood deal with you.

“fuck all you haters, you bore me”

 

yeah that’s right

 

Number 9

What is this doing on the hot 100?

9. Sail- AWOLNATION

YE Position: 25

Yeah, I don’t know how this got popular. I can’t think of anything else from this decade that sounds even remotely like it. But then again, if more songs did sound like this, I could see myself getting sick of that very quickly.

 

The whole song is extremely coarse and raw, with that abrasive dubstep-inspired bass cutting in over a lighter, good-spirited piano, but for good reason. After all, this is a song looking into the mind of someone with severe depression, anxiety, and… ADD apparently. And there’s no real message, just a collection of passing thoughts strung together. He feels different from everyone else, he contemplates suicide, you know, all that good stuff. But then, halfway through, the song gradually becomes more soothing and pleasant, almost like calming down after letting out all your worst feelings. And the main line of the song- “Sail!” is sort of a call to keep going, even if things aren’t really getting any better. Again, there really isn’t anything quite like this song. But at least it became a huge sleeper hit that stuck around for a ridiculous amount of time!

 

Number 8

 

If you couldn’t already tell, the electronic music scene of 2013 was fantastic. You’ve seen examples of this before, and (spoiler) there’s still more to come. We had veterans of the genre like Daft Punk and Swedish House Mafia finally crossing over with some of their best songs to date, and also innovative newcomers. Here’s an example of the latter.

8. Clarity- Zedd ft. Foxes

YE Position: 24

 

Oh my god how are we only at #8!? In any other year a song this great would easily make the top 5, hell, maybe even the top 3. Forget what I said about Don’t You Worry Child, this is a truly titanic piece of music. And it does it all with a very simple premise- two lovers keep coming back to each other even if they’ll soon regret it, but with this production and Foxes’ vocals, it sounds like the most important thing in the world. It slowly builds with a simple piano line, but adds more and more atmospheric synths until the drop comes crashing down. The explosion of colliding synths, another high-pitched robotic synth in the background, and a choir of backing vocals to add to that epic feel. And what’s so amazing is that the drop- it keeps building, getting more intense and gigantic, before, suddenly, resetting itself. And it feels like a complete listening experience then, but you’re only halfway done, as the cycle repeats, only with everything feeling even more explosive and powerful. I probably explained all of that horribly, but I don’t care. One of the best of its genre this decade, a song I regularly come back to even to this day, and, again, only the 8th best hit song of 2013.

 

Number 7

 

 

Back in 2017, Kendrick released his album Damn., to massive critical and commercial success. With his sudden breakthrough to the general public and all the hype surrounding it, it can be easy to forget that Kendrick actually had a decent-sized hit four full years before he became a household name.

 

And yeah, he’s not going to release a single that can top it anytime soon.

 

7. Swimming Pools (Drank)- Kendrick Lamar

YE Position: 79

 

Yeah, this dark, bizarre song about alcoholism was Kendrick’s first exposure to the mainstream. I’d call that shocking, but considering what we’ve already seen on this list, no it makes complete sense. The lyrics describe Kendrick’s struggle with drinking, both acknowledging the harm it’s doing to him, while also showing why he continues to drink in the first place. When he’s drunk, he feels like a different person, someone who everyone likes being around at parties. But at the same time, his conscience is trying to save him from drinking too much and dying. And he sees it, he can almost reach that freedom of being sober- but then he’s pulled back in by the desire to fit in.

 

And on a musical level, the song is just as intricate. The mind-numbing hypnotic hook represents the repetitive nature of drinking. And the song keeps the low-key tone, with the murky bass and Kendrick’s relatively monotone delivery. The only time it flares up is on the prechorus, where that ghostly synth comes in as someone’s telling Kendrick to drink more and more, reinforcing the “peer pressure” angle. Everything is perfectly crafted. This is, without a doubt, Kendrick’s best- and smartest- hit song. If anyone’s going to argue that Kendrick isn’t one of the greatest rappers of our time, this is the perfect counterpoint to that claim.

 

Number 6

 

 

It still amazes me that this became a hit at all. This is the kind of song where you look at it and say “yeah, there’s no way something like this’ll get big”. Guess that’s 2013 for ya.

6. Little Talks- Of Monsters & Men

YE Position: 65

Every single part of this song is the best part. Take the lyrics. They tell the story of two lovers- one of which has passed away- having a conversation. But it’s not really a sad song. The female singer on the song plays the old woman who is still living, and the male singer plays her deceased husband, and they have excellent chemistry together. The old woman lies awake, nearing the end of her life, in a state of constant anxiousness and worry. She starts speaking to the voice of her dead partner, who reassures her that everything will be alright and that they will be together again soon, and be able to have those “little talks” again like they used to. Again, this isn’t a sad song, even though it certainly sounds that way from my description.

In fact, from how the song sounds, you probably wouldn’t notice the story at all. The instrumentation is lead by bold trumpets and chanting backing vocals. It creates a feeling of a triumphant sendoff, honoring life rather than mourning death, as they travel onward to their final destination, to be reunited again. Breathtaking song, can’t believe it ever became a hit, but I am so glad it did.

 

Number 5

 

This next artist is one that I like, but am also frustrated by at the same time. He’s a great writer, but quite often he doesn’t show that in his biggest singles, choosing to release his “safer” love ballads. And while those songs are mostly fine, his best singles are definitely the ones with more clever and interesting writing. Like, say, a song describing everything that went wrong in a real life relationship where both sides were at fault, or going back to his childhood and the power those memories still hold for him, even if they aren’t all good. Or, more relevantly, he could tell the story of a woman addicted to cocaine who is going to die.

 

5. The A Team- Ed Sheeran

YE Position: 75

 

No way around it: this is just pure sad. The simple acoustic production and Ed Sheeran’s delicate vocals put all the focus on the story, and… holy shit. I’m sure this song was horribly abused in all the shitty “emotional” facebook videos back in the day.

 

But let’s really look at the story this song tells. From what I can gather, this was inspired by a woman Ed Sheeran met while working at a homeless shelter named “Angel” (which explains all the angel metaphors used here), who had a cocaine addiction. And the imagery used in the song is amazing, like how he describes her face crumbling away, and how it uses the “snow” metaphor for cocaine and actually does something with it. The final line of the song even implies that she dies. Radio stations played this. Constantly. It may have taken three years for this to become a hit, but I’m so glad it was. Ed, you should be like this more often.

 

Number 4

 

 

…when I referenced this song in my dishonorable mentions on the last list, I think I might’ve understated how much I love it.

4. Thrift Shop- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz

YE Position: 1

 

Yep. This song is all the way up at #4. I know that most people like this song, but I don’t think anyone would consider putting it above the likes of Swimming Pools and Little Talks. People feel that way about Can’t Hold Us, though. And Can’t Hold Us is epic, but Thrift Shop is just one of the most unique and iconic songs of the entire decade. “Oh, it’s a song about buying shitty used clothes at a thrift shop.” Yeah, that’s part of what makes it so great!

 

First of all, Thrift Shop just sounds phenomenal. The sax loop- courtesy of producer Ryan Lewis- is ridiculously catchy and never gets old, even as it repeats for the entire song. And then we have Macklemore, whose charisma and energy is infectious. He’s clearly having a blast here. And the lyrics are hilarious while also sneaking in some clever social commentary.

 

“They be like ‘oh that gucci, that’s so uptight

I’m like ‘yo, that’s 50 dollars for a t-shirt”

 

“That shirt’s hella dope

And wearing the same one as six other people in the club is a hella don’t”

 

Actually, you could probably interpret the whole song as a parody of brag rap. But even with this, I don’t get the vibe that Macklemore feels like he’s better than anyone else. I mean, he’s bragging about buying as many old, disgusting clothes as he can for 20 dollars. And then there’s the fact that nearly all of this song is iconic. Here’s some highlights.

 

“Walk into the club like what up, I gotta big cock”

 

“Them people like ‘damn, that’s a cold-ass honkey”

“Probably should’ve washed this, it smells like R Kelly’s sheets

(pissssss)

But shit, it was 99 cents!

 

And that’s just from the first half of the first verse! Also, bonus points on the last one for casually dissing R Kelly.

 

It’s kind of amazing that this ended up as the biggest song of the entire year, but I honestly can’t imagine a world where it wasn’t huge, and I don’t really want to. Absolute masterpiece.

 

And on the subject of massive hits-

 

Number 3

 

It wasn’t exactly hard to get sick of this song. It got overplayed to all hell, and still gets used in commercials to this day. It broke the record for weeks spent on the hot 100, with 87. It entered the charts in 2012, and didn’t leave until mid-2014. But the question is: did it really deserve all that?

 

Yes

3. Radioactive- Imagine Dragons

YE Position: 3

 

This song is apocalyptic. Yes, I know everyone else has described it with that exact word, but it’s really the best way to describe it. Dan Reynolds’ voice is being pushed to the limit in the best of ways. The instrumentation consists of primal drums, haunting bells, ethereal backing vocals, and sludgy, menacing guitars. Imagine Dragons clearly went all out to make this sound like a literal apocalypse. Which is what the lyrics are about. The story is told from the point of view of a guy waking up in the middle of the end of the world, how he fights for survival, and coming to terms with the chaos, accepting it as the “new age”. This is some of the best storytelling in music I’ve ever seen (yes, really).

 

But even with all of that, even with this being one of my favorite songs of the entire decade, we’re only at number 3. It had to take two incredibly special songs to push this down, and believe me, these next two songs are just that. So let’s go.

 

Number 2

 

Y’know, even if Lady Gaga botched “Applause” horribly, her fans would still defend her. But what if someone released a song attacking their fans? That wouldn’t end well for anyone! And even if it ended up good, there’s no way that song could be commercially successful, right?

 

 

 

Right?

 

2. My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)- Fall Out Boy

YE Position: 40

 

Oh, I know this isn’t going to sit well with some people. But I don’t care. Up until recently, this song was much lower on the list, but after really thinking about it, I realized a few things, and this skyrocketed up the list, now serving as one of my favorite songs not only of 2013, but of all time. Why is that?

 

Well, let’s start with the music itself. The production makes it clear from the beginning that this will be a dark, unpleasant listen- in all the right ways. The wailing backing vocals, the squealing bursts of synth, and the roaring mechanical guitar and percussion, especially when it all comes crashing down on the chorus. The lead singer (I don’t know his name) knows when to go over the top, and when to tone his vocals back, while still maintaining that power throughout. This song sounds like the soundtrack to an epic final battle in hell. That didn’t make very much sense, but whatever. I’m sure you get the idea.

 

But then we have the elephant in the room- the lyrics. For some backstory, this was written after several years of hiatus for the band, being the first single released after their reunion. And they come back filled with rage, as they tear into all the fans that gave up on them because they weren’t “cool” anymore. The types of people that only like what the trends are dictating because they’re unable to have a single independent thought or opinion, all because they’re so afraid of being judged by the people they try to impress. Believe me, I have had to deal with so many people like this, hell, quite a few times I’ve been that person, afraid to express myself for fear of social judgement. So I speak from experience when I say that mentality leads to nothing but toxicity and shame. So hearing this song eviscerate it so thoroughly is an absolute rush of catharsis for me.

 

But guess what! Even after all that, it’s not #1. So what is?

 

Number 1

 

 

Well isn’t this fitting.

 

I have said that 2013 is my favorite year for music of all time, so the fact that my #1 for this list is a serious candidate for my favorite song ever just works out perfectly. A song that not only sounds absolutely flawless, but one that will always make me feel better, no matter what mood I’m in. It’s helped me through a lot, especially over the past couple years, and now this is my chance to give it all the praise it deserves. And so, with all of that said-

 

Rest In Peace, Avicii.

 

1. Wake Me Up- Avicii ft. Aloe Blacc

YE Position: 19

 

Yes, Wake Me Up by Avicii is my favorite song of 2013, the 2010s, and of all time. And there’s so many reasons why that I don’t even know where to begin.

 

How about the lyrics? They describe the feelings of someone who is nearing adulthood, and on the one had wants to remain young, but on the other hand, would like to be “wiser and older”, but doesn’t want to have to deal with the process of getting there, preferring to stay in their own world of dreams. But none of this is presented in a selfish way, it all feels completely natural and human. And these are also emotions I constantly experience, and have for the past few years. I absolutely understand the feeling of doing anything you can to escape all the new pressures and challenges that begin to arise, why do you think I started doing these reviews in the first place? I’ll do as many creative projects as I can if it means I don’t have to think about real life. So the song already means a lot to me for that reason alone.

 

But let’s also take into consideration what this song meant to Avicii. He was someone who couldn’t handle being famous, which lead to a downward spiral that ended with him taking his own life. The day he died was one of the saddest days of my life, and I listened to this song nonstop, because in retrospect, it meant so much more.

 

And I haven’t even touched on how perfect this sounds! Aloe Blacc’s rich, deep voice carries all the emotional weight of the lyrics, but the real star is the production. It goes from textured acoustic guitars to the gorgeous luminescent synths seamlessly, and the fast-paced tone might seem counterproductive, but it really isn’t. These melodies sound incredible, and it feels like the song is carrying you through all those hardships, And for four minutes, I can let go of all my problems, stress and anxiety, and just envelop myself in this song. No matter what mood I’m in, listening to this always makes me feel so much better, and for that and every other reason I’ve given ,Wake Me Up by Avicii is, in my opinion, easily the best hit song of 2013. Thank you, Avicii, and once again, rest in peace.

 

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2013

Oh look, I finally made that 2013 list I promised. Wow.

 

2013 was phenomenal. I’d even go as far as to call it the best year for music of the decade, maybe even of all time, at least for me personally. 2013 gave us so many incredible songs that probably wouldn’t have crossed over in any other year, whether that be for rock, edm, hip-hop, country or pop. I legitimately love almost half of the year-end list, and I couldn’t even find 20 songs I disliked enough to mention on this list. But with that said, even in a year as amazing as this one, there’s always going to be some garbage, and that’s what we’re going to be looking at today, starting with some dishonorable mentions.

 

DHM1. Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and TI

YE Position: 2

Oh, we’re startin’ off big, aren’t we? Second biggest song of the year. A lot of people think this song is “rapey”, and while there are a couple lyrics that imply the girl in question wants to have sex, I don’t blame anyone for having that interpretation. But even if this song isn’t about rape, it’d still be about stealing someone else’s girl, and would still be sleazy as all hell. So I think it’s safe to say this song didn’t blow up because of the lyrics, but is any musical element of this song special or interesting? The groove is pretty weak and gutless for the most part, and Robin Thicke is a charlismaless husk of a performer. Pharrell and TI are fine, I guess, but this is far from either’s best work. God bless you Macklemore, for keeping this trash from getting #1 on the year-end.

 

DHM2. Holy Grail- Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake

YE Position: 22

It seems like most people who dislike this song dislike it for the lyrics. Because how can Jay-Z possibly complain about his life when he’s so famous? I’m not going to be like that, because 1) I’m not famous, so I can’t assume to know what that life is like, and 2) I know that having constant attention on you can be extremely stressful. So yeah, the lyrics are fine. I’d even go as far as to call them well-written and insightful. In fact, the lyrics are what elevate this song from being on the list proper, because this sounds wretched, with Justin’s sour vocals on the hook, Jay-Z’s awkward sporadic flow, the limp production, and the fucking Smells Like Teen Spirit interpolation that doesn’t fit at all. I’ll absolutely listen to your struggles with fame, Jay, just as long as you make them into a better song than this.

 

DHM3. We Can’t Stop- Miley Cyrus

YE Position: 17

This really deserves to be the infamous Miley Cyrus song from 2013, because ignoring the video, Wrecking Ball honestly isn’t that bad. We Can’t Stop, meanwhile…

 

It’s supposed to be a rebellious party anthem about not listening to anyone else and just having fun. And that’d be fine, except this sounds miserable, with that dark synth line, the sad piano and the heavy, crushing percussion. Maybe if that was the intention, to show a party that’s turned sour, I’d give it a pass, but as far as I can tell, nothing else indicates that. Nice job, Mike Will, you turned a potentially fun upbeat party song into this boring dirge. Y’know what, considering this and 23, you should just stay away from Miley entirely.

 

DHM4. The Fox- Ylvis

YE Position: 73

 

Hey memers check this song out! Isn’t it so lol xd randem!? It’s so awesome epic! Almost as lol funny as that new doge meme!

 

 

…Jesus fucking christ that hurt to type. I think I just killed my soul. Granted, the production’s pretty good and the singing isn’t bad, but this style of “random internet humor” really hasn’t aged well.

 

DHM5. 22- Taylor Swift

YE Position: 71

Y’know what else hasn’t aged well? Taylor Swift’s “hipster millennial anthem”. Yeah, isn’t life gonna be fun when you’ve just graduated a college that hasn’t really prepared you that well and you go find a full-time job that you hate and will likely be a career dead-end? Awesome!

 

… and the song’s a little bit clunky, the percussion’s a bit too loud, Taylor’s not trying, this is obviously part of her uncomfortable transition into pop music where she doesn’t really know how to emulate that sound yet. See, I didn’t forget to give actual criticism!

 

DHM6. Royals- Lorde

YE Position: 15

Oof, this one’s gonna be tough, since pretty much everyone else either likes or loves this song. I will say this: I like the idea behind Royals. I like the idea of a song calling out empty luxury bragging, especially these days. Except let’s keep in mind that this was 2013. The biggest song of the year was about buying goddamn used clothes, and looking through the year end, most of these songs have little or no bragging in them. And going back to Thrift Shop for a second, that song was parodying luxury rap, but in a fun way that was funny and enjoyable while still slipping in some solid points. Royals does tear down those cliches, but comes off more resentful and self-centered (look at that “so let me be your ruler” line for example). At least the song sounds okay, if a little underdeveloped. With the drums a little louder, this could’ve actually worked as an anthem. But what this ended up as just doesn’t work for me.

 

DHM7. Turn The Night Up- Enrique Iglesias

YE Position: N/A

Wasn’t an actual hit, but would’ve easily topped the list if it was, mostly for having the worst drop I’ve ever heard. It’s like… being sexually harassed while on a plane that’s plummeting towards the ground. Yeah that’s an analogy. Just… who thought this was okay? Who allowed this?

 

But enough about the kind of bad songs and the worst thing ever, let’s get to the list proper. Couldn’t even get ten dishonorable mentions, that’s how good 2013 was. So anyway-

 

Number 10

 

You know, 2013 was such a strong year that I wouldn’t even put my #10 in the shit tier. In a worse year, this might not have even been a dishonorable mention. But of all the 1/5s I could’ve put here, this one felt the most right. You see, in 2013, a new bro country duo broke into the mainstream with their debut single, which lasted for a ridiculous amount of time on the charts thanks to a rap remix that got pop radio airplay. And while this remix was doing well, another one of their singles got a boost as well, enough for it to scrape onto the year-end list. And it is quite bad.

 

10. Get Your Shine On- Florida-Georgia Line

YE Position: 94

 

Anybody remember this? I know I didn’t. I’d looked at the 2013 year-end many times before, so I knew of this song’s existence, but I never bothered to listen to it. Then I did. And now it’s here. And it’s only saved from being higher because of how inoffensive and forgettable it is.

There’s something wrong with the main guitar, I just can’t quite describe what. I mean, just listen to it. You’ll see what I mean. Then there’s Florida’s singing (I’m calling him that because I don’t care to look up his actual name), and I don’t think he’s ever sounded worse. He sounds like Kermit’s redneck cousin, especially on the third chorus.

 

And I think that’s it. There’s not that much to talk about with this. In most years, it would’ve just been a dishonorable mention, like I said. And anyways, when it comes to bro country, 2013 had worse (which we’ll get to), but for the time being, #9.

 

Number 9

 

“Aubrey Drake Graham (born October 24, 1986), is a Canadian rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, actor, and entrepreneur. Drake initially gained recognition as an actor on the teen drama television series Degrassi: The Next Generation in the early 2000s. Intent on pursuing a career as a rapper, he departed the series in 2007 following the release of his debut mixtape, Room for Improvement. He released two further independent projects, Comeback Season and So Far Gone, before signing to Lil Wayne’s Young Money Entertainment in June 2009”

 

Hey, wait a minute! That doesn’t sound like starting from the bottom!

9. Started From The Bottom- Drake

YE Position: 32

 

 

Maybe I’m not being fair. You can have money and still struggle. What did Drake have to deal with? Getting screwed in contract deals? Abuse from producers?

 

“Livin at my momma’s house, we’d argue every month”

 

Arguing with your mom? Once a month? I’m pretty sure that’s a thing for everyone.

 

“Workin all night, traffic on the way home”

 

Traffic. Traffic is your idea of suffering.

 

“Uncle callin me like ‘where ya at?’

“I gave you the keys, told you bring it right back

 

And your uncle wants you to bring back his car, which he let you borrow. Drake, all of this stuff is too tame for the average sitcom. And I’ve heard the argument made that this isn’t meant to be about Drake, but instead supposed to be an anthem for anyone who’s made it out of tough times. But when he spends the verses referencing his personal problems, that defense doesn’t carry much weight.

 

But then again, that’s only half the story. He started from the bottom (allegedly), and now he’s here. So what is it like for him, being “here”?

 

“I can turn your boy into the man”

 

Uhhhhhhhh…

 

“Just as a reminder to myself

I wear every single chain, even when I’m in the house”

 

That’s… not something to brag about. It just makes you look insecure.

 

And then it goes into a rant about “fake friends” on the bridge out of nowhere, a subject Drake would later dedicate multiple songs to. And this production isn’t helping anything. The piano melody is extremely basic, as well as barely being audible over the loud, cacophonous beat. It makes a song that should come off as triumphant feel a lot more heavy and depressing than it really should.

 

But I am inclined to almost give this one a pass, if only because Drake went on to do everything I’ve mentioned here worse in later songs. However, it still serves as a warning of things to come, and as one of Drake’s worst hit songs.

 

 

Number 8

 

 

At one point, this song was all the way up at #2. And yes, it is still terrible. But I took a step back, and thought “is this worth taking seriously?” and no. I don’t think it is. And I don’t think anybody else thought so either. Even 2 Chainz didn’t think so. Or at least I hope he didn’t.

8. I’m Different- 2 Chainz

YE Position: 99

 

I don’t have anything to say here. All the problems are blatant. 2 Chainz’s aggressive flow doesn’t work with DJ Mustard’s cheap production at all, making the song feel unbalanced and weak. As for the content, the main idea of the song is that 2 Chainz is different, but all the lyrics are cliches when they’re not completely insane.

 

“And I wish a nigga would, like a kitchen cabinet”

W h a t

 

“Then I put a fat rabbit on the craftmatic”

 

W  h a  t

 

Well, here’s the genius annotation for that line:

 

And I think that’s an appropriate note to end on.

 

Number 7

 

 

BRING THE ACTION!

7. Scream And Shout- Will.i.am ft. Britney Spears

YE Position: 23

Ah yes, remember this? The final, pathetic dying gasp of both Will.i.am and Britney’s careers? I mean, I guess you could make the argument that #Thatpower was what killed Will.i.am’s career, but that song was barely a hit anyway (and I also kind of like it oops). But back to Scream And Shout.

So I’m assuming this was meant to be a song to let out aggression to in the clubs. But the production is too relaxed to support that. And neither performer, despite saying they want to “scream and shout, and let it all out”, bring any emotion or intensity to the song. And Britney decides to sacrifice any personality she has for this fake british accent that’s just really distracting. The only interesting moments are when Will.i.am throws in a random vocal effect, like he just downloaded his first recording software and wants to try out all the cool features. But the worst part is easily the bridge, where the slowed down delivery just sounds wrong. This is the type of song that would make people stop dancing in the club.

 

So, in summary, two declining artists whose last major success was two years prior team up to try to blend in with a trend that was already on its way out. It’s almost poetic, isn’t it?

 

Number 6

 

Let me get this out of the way- Roar by Katy Perry did not make the list. And I honestly don’t see why it should. It’s about as inoffensive as a song can get. I don’t like it, but I’ve never cared about it one way or the other. It’s trying to be a basic empowerment song, and it’s upbeat and catchy enough where I could see it inspiring someone. This is the same reason I don’t have much hatred for stuff like Fight Song. They’re competent. They accomplish what they’re trying to do.

 

This, on the other hand-

6. Girl On Fire- Alicia Keys (Remix ft. Nicki Minaj)

YE Position: 49

To be honest, I don’t know which version was the hit, the original or the remix. But I’m choosing to go with the remix because it gives me a lot more to nitpick.

 

Let’s start with the sound. With the heavy drums crushing out anything else in the production and Alicia Keys’ overemphatic vocal performance (which is really disappointing, she has a great voice), this song gives off a very miserable atmosphere. And that could be fine, if this wasn’t supposed to be uplifting. But y’know what, even then it maybe could’ve worked if the song switched up and got brighter at any point. That would actually give a sense of catharsis. But that doesn’t happen. It stays the same dirge of a song the whole way through.

 

And then we have the songwriting. And as a writer, this kind of inconsistency really pisses me the fuck off.

 

“She’s just a girl but she’s on fire

Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway

She’s living in a world and it’s on fire

Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away”

 

So “fire” is referring to this girl’s ambition, but it also symbolizes the chaos and suffering going on around her. I really didn’t think I’d have to explain this to a team of four professional songwriters, but when your song is built around a metaphor, that metaphor has to stay consistent!

 

“She’s got her feet on the ground, and she’s burning it down”

 

Burning what down? The world? The world’s already on fire. There’s actually a very credible argument to be made that this song is actually about a pyromaniac. If that was intentional, then this might be genius. But for now, I’m just gonna assume that interpretation is just the product of lazy writing. And I didn’t even get to half of the horrible lines. Believe me, I could go all day with some of this shit.

 

Anything else?

 

 

Oh right, this is the remix! What’s Nicki’s verse like?

 

“An’ that’s a horse ranch”

 

Oh. And y’know what makes that even better? The lines leading up to it were about jesus. Ok, at least Nicki was able to make me laugh, even if it wasn’t intentional. With that said, fuck this song. Everyone involved wasted any talent they had, and I’m glad this has ended up forgotten. Because that’s exactly what it deserves!

Number 5

 

I really don’t wanna do this

5. Harlem Shake- Baauer

YE Position: 4 (Seriously!?)

Seriously, I don’t think this is worth it. I don’t want to waste my time tearing into an old meme, especially one with this little substance and material to work with. I mean I gave a slight pass to The Fox, but at least that was a fully functioning song. The primary synth line sounds like a goddamn squeegee, and it sounds like it’s constantly tripping over both itself and the rest of the production. And as the song goes on, it just gets more messy and painful (yes, I’ve actually listened to the full song). And this song hit #1 because billboard started factoring youtube views into their algorithm when this was popular. So an actually catchy and fun meme song like Gangnam Style from one year prior couldn’t reach #1, but then this shit gets 5 weeks on top. Although that’s more the fault of billboard than anyone else. And you know what sucks even more? I decided to look into Baauer’s other stuff, and he’s actually a pretty good artist with interesting ideas. But he released garbage like this as a single, which went viral because of Filthy Frank of all people, and it was one of the five biggest songs of 2013 because of an algorithm change. Just fantastic.

 

Number 4

You wanna know how to get a cheap hit while not putting in any effort? Controversy. Sure, people will forget about your garbage song in a couple months, but you’ve already got the attention and the money, so it doesn’t matter. Isn’t that right, Rocko?

4. UOENO- Rocko, Future & Rick Ross

YE Position: 87

Hey, remember this? Hopefully not. I’d actually be willing to bet that as I’m writing this, I am the only person listening to this song. You might not have even heard of this song before now, if you weren’t paying attention to music controversy in 2013. So for anyone who’s not aware, here’s the line:

 

“Put molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it

I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it”

 

Yeah, that’s rape. And unlike most times, the general public actually took notice and this previously irrelevant song was suddenly the target of tons of backlash and outrage. Credit where it’s due- both Rick Ross and Rocko were quick to apologize. But here’s the thing- Rick Ross’s verse, where he says this, was part of a remix. It almost seems like he was added solely for publicity… hmmm…

 

And I can see why no one was listening to this song before, because wow. Not only is this awful, but it’s the laziest kind of awful. For starters, half the lines rhyme the phrase “you don’t even know it” with itself. And even the lines that don’t are just uncreative bragging. None of the rappers are even trying, to the point where it’s difficult to tell them apart. And the beat is the musical equivalent of smoking some bad weed.

 

Worthless.

 

 

Number 3

 

 

So that’s one of the two rap songs from 2013 everyone’s disgusted by out of the way, time for the other

3. Love Me- Lil Wayne ft. Drake & Future

YE Position: 39

 

Well, let’s get this over with. First of all, this is one of the creepiest sex songs I’ve ever heard. And the beat doesn’t even pull of that “creepy” vibe well. It sounds incredibly sloppy, and has several aimless melodies going on at once, even cutting out randomly. If you want to make a dark song, great, just make sure it sounds good also. And it might not be a good idea to use this kind of beat on a song with this subject matter, which…

 

The lyrics are the only reason this song is so high on the list. To put it simply, this song is gross and even a little misogynistic. Now, before you come at me calling me a “triggered sjw libtard”, I’d like to see you try to defend these:

 

“She say I never wanna make you mad, I just wanna make you proud

I say baby just make me cum, then don’t make a sound”

 

“Girl, I fuck who I want, and fuck who I don’t”

 

“These hoes got pussies like craters

Can’t treat these hoes like ladies, man”

 

“Lil tunechi got that fire

And these hoes love me like Satan, man”

 

Ok, that last one’s not sexist, it’s just really confusing. And the song can’t even stick to that, because in every other line he’s referencing his “haters”. While he’s having sex with all these hoes, he’s still thinking about his haters. Honestly, that’s just pathetic.

 

With most “worst of 2013” lists I’ve seen, this song has been #1. And I can totally see why. It’s just that this song doesn’t anger me the way these next two songs do. So what did I hate more? Well…

 

Number 2

 

I struggled with putting this on the list, especially this high, since I do have some nostalgia for listening to the radio during the time this song was popular, and on a technical level, it’s not really that bad. But the more I thought about it, the more this infuriated me. A horrible, manipulative, tormenting song disguising itself as a nice little folk song with a little bit of wisdom thrown in- yeah, Passenger absolutely earned this position. Congratulations!

 

2. Let Her Go- Passenger

YE Position: 97

 

See, this doesn’t look that bad at first glance. Sure, it’s basic in its instrumentation, and Passenger’s willowy voice might be a bit grating, but it sounds passable. And songs like this one don’t usually have much going on musically, and that’s okay, because the focus is meant to be on the lyrics and songwriting.

 

And therein lies the problem. The songwriting on display here is absolutely vile. On multiple levels. First, let’s talk about Passenger’s claims that this is meant to be self-reflective, and about his career up until that point. Now, I honestly don’t buy that, but ok, looking at it through that lens, it fails to connect emotionally with too much vagueness and platitudes.

But here’s the real premise of the song: Passenger is giving advice, presumably to a friend. Hence the second-tense pronouns. He’s essentially telling this friend to break up with his girlfriend because he’s horrible for her. Because isn’t that what friendship’s all about?

 

The chorus is infuriating. It throws in so many “you don’t know what you had until it’s gone” phrases, only to slip in that “only know you love her when you let her go”. Yes, you’ll know if you truly love her when you “let her go”, because clearly that’s what she wants, because you’re such a terrible person that you’re obviously making her miserable. And how was he making her life worse, exactly? No seriously, I’d like an explanation. You’re not giving me one.

 

But the verses are where the ugliness truly shines through: as he tries to “empathize” with his friend, with great stuff such as “everything you touch surely dies”, and “you loved her too much, and you dived too deep”, trying to make his “friend” feel horrible about himself and his mistakes, wall so he’ll break up with his girlfriend, and do I even need to point out the obvious implication that Passenger is only doing all this to get with the girl? The “you see her when you fall asleep, never to touch her, never to keep” is basically a taunt! All alternating between crushing a supposed friend down and then manipulating him with platitudes and cliches, just for his own selfish gain. Yeah, that’s revolting! Fuck you, Passenger! It’s good that you never had any relevance beyond this trash. UOENO and Love Me may have been disgusting and reprehensible, but at least they didn’t try to sugar coat it behind 10 layers of bullshit! This was extremely close to topping my list, and it only just got edged out by my #1, which we’re going to go into right now.

 

 

Number 1

 

 

So… bro country, huh?

 

I feel like I could stop there and just dive in to my #1 pick, but I’m not going to do that. Because quite frankly, I think this subgenre got too much hate. Yes, a lot of it was indeed terrible, but in 2013 at least, for the most part they’re passable. I’ll even defend some of the more infamous ones. Cruise Remix? It’s an okay pop song. It Goes Like This? Kind of charming in a weird way. That’s My Kind Of Night? Fucking glorious, even if it is for all the wrong reasons.

 

But then we come to a well-established and fairly respectable artist’s attempt to cash in on these rends, only to end up making the worst hit song of 2013.

1. Boys Round Here- Blake Shelton ft. The Pistol Annies

YE Position: 60

 

This is what country must sound like to people who hate all country music. I mean really, this song has pretty much every single negative stereotype about the genre. And what’s even more disappointing is that this is coming from Blake Shelton, an artist who usually presents himself with a great deal of dignity, even when he’s playing into the cornier, more light-hearted side of country music. And yet here he is, putting on the “dumb redneck” caricature, in the worst way possible.

Alright, enough of that rant, let’s take a look at what this pile of shit has to offer. The limp, stiff guitar can’t do anything to complement the percussion, which barely even exists. Say what you want about the rest of bro country, at least it has some life and energy to it most times. And in the rare moments the production gets some extra power with added electric guitar, it clashes with the main melody. When it’s not weak, it’s cluttered and unlistenable.

But then there’s Blake’s vocal performance, and OH MY GOD! He’s delivering these lines with a smug, sneering drawl, like he knows he can put no effort into this song and still have it be a hit, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

As for the lyrics, fuck the lyrics. They’re somehow both pandering and offensive to their target audience at the same time, which I didn’t even know was possible. It starts with a fucking vocal clip going “red-red-red-red-red-red-red-redneck”, so you know you’re in for a great time.

 

“Well the boys round here don’t listen to the beatles”

 

Yeah, out here we don’t listen to none of that city music. Stupid british. ‘Murica!

 

“And what they call work, diggin in the dirt

Gotta get it in the ground fore the rain come down”

 

Is it just me, or is this line incredibly condescending?

“Well the boys round here, drinkin that ice cold beer

Talkin bout girls, talkin bout trucks,

runnin them red dirt roads out kickin up dust”

 

Ok, now you’re literally just giving a list of cliches.

 

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no shit

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

 

You fucking broke the melody of your chorus to say “chew tobacco chew tobacco chew tobacco spit”!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

 

“Yeah the boys round here, they keepin it country

Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie”

 

That’s ok, I don’t think anybody else does either.

 

“You don’t do the dougie?

Naw, not in Kentucky”

 

You’re not even from Kentucky. I guess you could make the argument that “Kentucky” is the only redneck state that rhymes with “dougie”, but at the point where you’re finding a rhyme for an outdated dance that never even took off, you should just start over from scratch.

 

“Now the girls round here, they all deserve a whistle

Shakin that sugar, sweet as dixie crystal

They like that y’all and southern drawl

And just can’t help it cause they keep on fallin”

 

Yeah, I’m sure they do.

 

And then the song decides to become about hitting on women using your redneck status. Yes, really. They even get backing vocals from Blake Shelton’s wife, which is really funny considering she divorced him not long after this song came out.

Seriously, fuck this. It’s just a disgusting, cynical attempt to pander to lowest common denominator of country music listeners from an artist who really should be above this. Just a horrible stain on both country music and 2013 as a whole. Thanks for reading, best list coming sometime soon (hopefully), and until then, goodbye. Hydra out.

Winter 2019 Top 20 Ranked VERY QUICKLY

Look, I’m really busy right now and I don’t feel like giving detailed in-depth reviews to 20 different songs, a good number of which I’m neutral on, so here we go: top 20 ranked for the week of 1/26/19.

Shit Tier (0/5)

20. Drip Too Hard- Baby & Gun

Lil Baby still sucks

 

19. Youngblood- 5SOS

This is still here?

 

Bad Tier (1/5)

18. Girls Like You- The Adam Levine Show

This is still here?! Nope, not doing this anymore! Scrap this, I’ll just rank whatever’s at 21 instead. What is it?

flipp

Oh god, nevermind, I take everything back! I’m sorry!

17. Wake Up In The Sky- Bruno No Why Would You Do This

Ah shit Kodak’s back. And he might not be the worst part. That’s all you need to know about this.

Meh Tier (2/5)

16. Going Bad- Meek Mill ft. Drake

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about this one. Hold on, this is an actual top 20 hit with longevity? For real?

 

15. Thank U Next- Stans

Ariana makes her most personal song to date and it hits #1. That’d be great except the song is actually really boring.

14. Mia- Bad Bunny ft. Drake

Oh look, it’s Drake but in Spanish! And with really uncomfortable translated lyrics. Ok then.

13. Zeze- Kodak Black ft. Better Rappers

This song would actually be good- maybe even great- if Kodak just shut his FUCKING MOUTH and never opened it again.

12. High- Panic! At The Disco

Panic! At The Disco got their first hit in over twelve years. And it is perfectly average.

Decent Tier (3/5)

11. Taki Taki- Snakey Boi

    This song might actually be complete garbage.

10. Money- Cardi B

Best Cardi solo hit since Bartier Cardi.

 

Guess she’s better doing guest verses on other people’s songs.

 

9. Mo Bamba- Sheck Wes

8. Sicko Mode- Travis Scott ft. Drake

Hold on

I got the songs mixed up.

 

Eh, whatever,  I won’t fix it. You get to decide which one is higher.

 

Good Tier (4/5)

7. Without Me- Halsey

 

Halsey, please go back to being awful. My life was easier that way.

6. Wow- Toast Malone

She say she tired of little money, need a big boi

 

5. Better Now- Ghost Malone

This is still here?

Great Tier (5/5)

4. The Dog Dies In The Video- Marshmello ft. Bastille

 

This was one of the songs that had to be cut from the honorable mentions. Great lyrics, great vocals, weak drop.

3. Eastside- Ben Shapiro ft. Halsey & Khalid

I’ve talked about this song before. Go read my best list.

2. Sunflower- Swae Lee & I Can’t Think Of Anything Else That Rhymes With “Post”

Into The Spider-Verse deserves an Oscar.

1. Breathin- Ariana Grande

The best song Ariana will ever make. There’s even a decent chance this’ll top my 2019 best list. Easily one of the best pop songs of the decade, it has amazing vocals, relatable lyrics, and a fantastic synth solo, so of course it was a late-album single that’s already being forgotten in favor of boring Thank U Next and that disaster 7 Rings.

Life is not fair. Or good at all, really.

 

This week was a 56/100. I guess that’s fine. I could’ve put time into this one, but nah. Who even cares about the Top 20 in January?

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2018

 

 

Alright, the fun one!

 

Like I said last time, I enjoyed 2018 a fair bit more than most other music critics. Ironically enough, I don’t think anybody hated 2017 as much as I did, so while everyone was calling 2018 a letdown, I considered it an improvement. As I was going through the worst list, I started to wonder why I even felt that way. But now that I’ve moved on to the best, I can say that while this year’s best might not be better than my favorites of 2017, there are certainly more high points this time around. So let’s get into it!

HM. I Fall Apart- Post Malone

YE Position: 39

 

Oh wow, a hot take already. This is not good.

 

While I’ll admit Better Now was a more emotionally complex look into a breakup, it can’t compare to the raw emotion Post displays here. The production is shrill and hollow, a perfect backup to Post Malone’s wailing, filled with enough passion to make this feel genuine. And it’s this that makes a melodramatic line like “devil in the form of a whore” work. And yes it does go into flexing, but I see that more as Post Malone trying to cope with getting dumped. Hell, he pretty much says as much on the bridge. He’s doing this stuff to try to brush it off, but he can’t. I can see how this song might turn people off, but for me, it was one of the most emotionally powerful songs of the year.

HM. Stir Fry- Migos

YE Position: 48

Despite the absolutely terrible 2018 Migos had, at least they also put out what is most likely their best single to date. The production stands out especially, actually being produced 10 years ago by Pharrell. The percussion takes the spotlight, being fast paced and aggressive, and being backed by thick bass what sounds like crickets. It’s kind of a miracle this beat wasn’t a complete disaster. And for once, all three Migos pull their weight. Quavo’s usually my least favorite, put here he might actually be the best part as he handles the first verse and all three hooks with solid flows and a lot more charisma than I’ve come to expect from him. Offset and Takeoff also sound great, and all three have their share of genuinely funny punchlines.

HM. Ric Flair Drip- Offset & Metro Boomin

YE Position: 38

 But Offset’s solo hit was better than any song he put out as a part of Migos this year. The crisp, icy beat provides a great backup for Offset’s energetic flow. Yeah, the lyrics are kind of basic, but with how smooth and catchy the song is, I really can’t care about that. Not much more to say, just a really solid trap rap song.

 

HM. Perfect- Ed Sheeran

YE Position: 2

I’m not even sure if this song is that good. It’s a very basic love song with a good vocal performance some pretty nice production, but there’s really nothing too special about it. But somehow, through all the massive overplay this song got this year, I did not get sick of it. I like Perfect now exactly as much as I did when I first heard it, and that’s gotta count for something.

 

HM. Finesse- Bruno Mars ft. Cardi B

YE Position: 14

On the flip side, here’s a song that burned out on me really fuckin quickly. And now I like it again. The production is a nice throwback to 90’s swing, and Bruno sounds fine, but the real star here is Cardi B. She sounds like she’s having a blast here, and she’s able to transfer that feeling to the listener as well. Great song, and I hope Bruno goes back to making retro throwbacks instead of… whatever the hell Wake Up In The Sky is.

HM. Sky Walker- Miguel ft. Travis Scott

YE Position: 75

One of the few notable trends we got in 2018 was really bizarre comebacks, most of them being really good! For example, take Miguel. He had some success from 2011 to 2013 before completely falling off, only to get this hit out of nowhere early this year. And good thing two, because this song is pretty great. The hazy and spacious production complements Miguel’s smooth vocals amazingly with its light trap percussion and bouncy synths, while also working well with Travis’s verse. And yeah, the lyrics are pretty cheesy, especially with some of the references, but Miguel knows that. He’s just having fun here, and it shows. Not a song I return to often, but one that I always enjoy listening to.

HM. Nonstop- Drake

YE Position: 52

This is my favorite Drake song of the year. Yes, even more than Nice For What. The beat is effectively menacing, with grimy, lo-fi bass and rapid percussion. It works especially well on the “drop”, with the “my head is spinning” vocal sample. Drake is great here too with his deadpan delivery, to the point where I can almost buy him as a threatening hard-edge rapper. But not completely. Give this song to someone like 21 Savage and it would’ve worked a lot better. Still, great job Drake, I wish the rest of Scorpion was more on this level of quality.

HM. Nice For What- Drake

YE Position: 11

With that said, however, Nice For What deserves a mention too. The Lauryn Hill sample sets such a triumphant atmosphere, and Drake rides it surprisingly well. And by the way, Maroon 5, this is how to do a female empowerment anthem. Instead of being emotionally manipulative or pandering, the message here is just “go out and live your life”. Then halfway through, we get the breakdown. It’s loose and fun while still staying musically coherent, which really isn’t that hard to do, what the fuck, In My Feelings? Deserved to be the defining Drake song of the year over God’s Plan and In My Feelings, definitely.

HM. The Middle- Zedd, Maren Morris & Grey

YE Position: 8

So, here’s another overplayed song I never got sick of. Only this time, the song actually grew on me over time. Instead of feeling like a retread of Stay, The Middle is more like the final product with Stay being a beta version. Maren Morris is a country singer, but she’s able to lean into this type of pop-edm pretty effectively. The production, meanwhile, is sharp and precise, combining its synthetic elements with some organic percussion and guitar. And yes, I am aware that this song was made for Target commercials, but when the end product is this great, I can’t really complain.

HM. Tequila- Dan + Shay

YE Position: 32

Ah yes, the biggest country song of the year, an emotional ballad about all the memories that can come flooding back from one small thing, accompanied by beautiful guitar and piano-lead production. Meant To Be? What’s that? Never heard of it. Anyways, great song, but not quite the best of its genre this year. As I’ve said before, 2018 was an amazing year for country music. But more on that later.

HM. Eastside- Benny Blanco, Halsey & Khalid

YE Position: 77

I’m honestly a little surprised this song gained enough traction to make the year-end list. Hell, it might even make next year’s also with how well it’s doing on the radio. And it’s not hard to see why, with the calming production and surprisingly great chemistry between Khalid and Halsey. But what got it a mention on this list are the lyrics, which tell the story of two people- played by Halsey and Khalid- who fell in love when they were young, now struggling with the pressures of adult life and wanting to go back to the days when they could get away from their problems and be together. Great song, always look forward to hearing it on the radio, and Benny Blanco does not deserve to be credited as the lead artist. He’s not even the main producer. What the fuck?

HM. Powerglide- Rae Sremmurd ft. Juicy J

YE Position: 97

 

Oh my god, how are these the same guys that made Swang just one year ago?!

 

But don’t think this song is only here due to lowered expectations, no, this is awesome. The production and hook make you feel like you’re going through a wind tunnel, and as for the rappers- they all do great! Swae Lee’s a naturally good singer, but he tends not to use his voice in the best way (see Swang). Here he does, though, with some great energy and a couple good ad-libs on the second verse. Slim Jxmmi isn’t the best, but he certainly is trying, and he only gets one verse anyway. Juicy J closes up the song, and he sounds a lot better than usual, even with the “chinny-chin-chin” line. Rae Sremmurd’s careers are probably dead, but at least their last hit was their best song.

HM. Say Something- Justin Timberlake ft. Chris Stapleton

YE Position: 85

 

If this song didn’t feel dragged out near the end and the verses weren’t so underdeveloped, it would’ve made the list. The production is absolutely gorgeous, with its lush acoustic guitars and subtle latin influences in the percussion. Justin sounds good, but he’s overshadowed by Chris Stapleton’s rougher, deeper voice despite him only providing backing vocals. But what really sells me are the lyrics and message. It can be tempting to throw yourself into every controversy, but sometimes you need to take a step back and think “is it worth it”? In 2018 especially, this is a message more people need to hear. Again, it’s a shame that its structure holds it back, but it’s still a song worthy of this honorable mention. Glad Justin was able to score at least one hit despite all the backlash he got this year.

 

Also Filthy was good too. No I’m not going to apologize for that take.

 

So, with all that out of the way, what actually made the list? Well-

Number 10

 

 

You remember me talking about I Fall Apart, right? Well, what if we got a song this year from a performer with more experience with the subject of heartbreak and misery, with added real life context, and an epic climax? Oh that’s right, we did! …and people hate this one too. Shit.

#10. Call Out My Name- The Weeknd

YE Position: 78

Alright, this song is about Abel’s relationship with Selena Gomez. That “I almost cut a piece of myself” line, that’s not some metaphor, that’s a reference to how the Weeknd offered to donate his kidney to help her with surgery that ended up saving her life. Some people accuse this song of guilt-tripping, and-

 

Maybe it’s guilt tripping a little bit, and this does sort of hold the song back from being even higher, but that’s kind of unavoidable when you’re describing a breakup you didn’t want to happen. Abel even admits that he wants her to stay with him, before adding that he knows she doesn’t want him. He’s less trying to win her back, and more frustrated with himself for not being able to let go while Selena moved on quickly. He’s not used to feeling this way, if his past music is any indication, and he sounds absolutely destroyed.

Sounds? Oh right, this is a song. Let’s talk about the actual music here, shall we? The song starts off ominous and quiet, with light piano and bells. As the song goes on, heavy drums and eerie synths are added, as Abel’s voice gradually builds, until the terrifying climax right before the final chorus, where he screams “Call out my name” at the top of his lungs while being swamped in speaker-distorting bass. Then everything calms down after that chorus, with ghostly backing vocals and light touches of violin as the song fades out. Not The Weeknd’s best work, but the easy standout on that EP that no one remembers, and I’m glad it managed to make the year-end list.

Number 9

Shit, that was kind of a heavy way to start off a best list, huh? Good thing this song isn’t.

#9. No Limit- G-Eazy ft. Cardi B, A$AP Rocky

YE Position: 30

I’d like to clarify that the version of the song that made this list is the original, not the remix. The remix feels dragged out and none of the additional verses are all that good.

So, um… the lyrics really aren’t anything special. I like the dynamic between G-Eazy and Cardi, with Cardi playing the role of the stripper who’s taking all of G-Eazy’s money, and the Jared reference is… something, I guess, but no this song is only here because of how it sounds.

The beat is fast-paced and intense, with the piano in the back of the mix adding a slight ominous tone that sets a great party vibe while also keeping you on your toes. And all three rappers ride this production perfectly. A$AP Rocky’s deeper voice sounds great on the hook, and as for G-Eazy, I’ve heard people call him the weak link of the song, and… they’d be right, but it’s not like he’s doing badly or anything. He projects this “I’m too cool to care” vibe, and then Cardi comes in and just runs away with the rest of the song. Like I said before, she plays the role of one of the strippers G-Eazy is fucking, and she sounds like she’s having a great time as G-Eazy gives her all his money. It’s a nice twist that adds another perspective to a pretty basic concept. Awesome song, an easy standout in the rap scene this year. So why is it only at #9?

“Damn Daniel, back again with the, hah, Saint Laurent”

Referencing Damn Daniel is inexcusable and the writers should be ashamed of themselves.

 

Number 8

 

And now for some sad country!

#8. Mercy- Brett Young

YE Position: 95

 

Brett Young was one of the newer country singers last year that was able to maintain success into 2018, and while I liked In Case You Didn’t Know, it can’t compare to the pure sadness that is Mercy.

This song is pretty barren instrumentally, with only a sparse piano melody and the occasional strum of acoustic guitar. But it works. Then there’s Brett’s singing, and his soft, vulnerable voice was pretty much made for a song like this. He sounds absolutely crushed.

But where the song truly shines is in the songwriting. It starts with Brett Young asking why his girlfriend wants to keep the relationship going despite not loving him anymore. Good setup, but how does Brett feel about the relationship? Is he going to try to convince her to stay, because as he puts it “his flame’s still burning”?

“If you’re gonna break my heart, just break it”

Oh.

“If you ever loved me, have mercy”

 

Oh wow. He wants her to just end it to keep the both of them from suffering any longer. That’s actually a really mature approach. In the second verse, we get a couple more details, like how at this point she’s only calling him when she’s drunk and alone, and how while he wants to be with her, he’d rather not keep this cycle going and just end things for good. Emotionally complex, mature, and heartbreaking, and I can’t stand to hear this song on the radio. Yeah, a few months ago, this song could’ve made the top three, but now I realize it’s not really a song I’d choose to listen to unless I’m in a specific mood. With that said, fantastic job Brett, I hope your career doesn’t die anytime soon.

 

Number 7

 

 

It’s insane how much this guy’s quality has changed over the past two years. In 2016 he released one of the worst, most insufferable “nice guy” anthems I’ve ever heard, but then in the summer 2017 he put out a fun, catchy pop song I ended up listening to a lot in a pretty dark time for music. What I didn’t expect, however, was for him to get even better.

#7. In My Blood- Shawn Mendes

YE Position: 46

For a while, I didn’t really like this song. Then one day, a couple months ago, I was feeling horribly stressed and depressed, and this song came on. And I connected with it. I got the appeal.

 

This is here just for the lyrics, but I’m not gonna say this sounds bad. In fact, the pounding drums and the swell of the guitar is very potent, and Mendes is clearly putting his all into this song, which makes sense, the struggle portrayed in the lyrics iis very personal for him. This song illustrates Mendes’s mental health issues, primarily anxiety, as he tries to plug the holes in his life with drinking and girls just to get rid of his loneliness and insecurities. And then you could also look at this song through the point of view of the co-writer, Teddy Geiger, who happens to be trans. Now I’m not gonna claim I know a lot about the trans community, but I do know that they have very high depression and suicide rates. So no matter which angle you view this song from- whether that be from Mendes, Geiger, or your own- you’ll still be able to get a lot out of it. I wasn’t expecting to be praising Shawn Mendes again, especially not two years in a row, but he earned it. Amazing work.

Number 6

But on the subject of continued major improvement from artists I’d never thought I’d be putting on a best list two years ago-

#6. How Long- Charlie Puth

YE Position: 65

Alright, how did we get here? Sure, I liked See You Again back in 2015, but ever since then I’ve liked nothing Charlie Puth put out. Hell, I wasn’t even a big fan of Attention, which seemed to be his “turning point” in the eyes of most critics. The bassline was good, but it wasn’t enough, and Charlie Puth came off pissy and unlikeable, even if it was sort of justified. But then this happened and fixed all the problems I had with that song. The funk groove is more fleshed out and punchy, with quick snappy percussion complementing the insanely catchy bassline. And then there’s Charlie himself, and unlike with his older stuff like One Call Away, here he’s taking advantage of his lower register, which is actually pretty great. The transition between the prechorus and the chorus is especially awesome, with how it suddenly drops into that fantastic bassline.

But then we get to the lyrics, and… this is something special. The idea here is that Charlie Puth is admitting to cheating, and taking full responsibility without glorifying it. He sounds sincere and I genuinely believe he feels bad about his actions. The hook, meanwhile, switches to the girl’s perspective, who’s, needless to say, pretty upset. Which is also understandable. It would’ve been so easy to make either Charlie or the girl the “bad guy”, but that doesn’t happen. Both sides still come out likeable, and that’s honestly really impressive. Never thought you had this in you, Charlie, but now that I know you’re capable of this-

 

(skip to 0:14)

Oh. So this was all a part of your plan. Well shit, nevermind I guess.

 

Number 5

 

Imagine Dragons. This band has been the target of quite a bit of hate recently, ever since the release of Believer in early 2017. And for the most part it’s been undeserved. Yes, I did hate Believer, but since then, I’ve liked everything they’ve put out. Thunder grew on me a lot since last year, and Natural is basically Believer done right. And then there was that other one… what was it? Oh, that’s right, my fifth favorite hit song of 2018.

#5. Whatever It Takes- Imagine Dragons

YE Position: 37

 

I do have a few issues with this song, namely the clunky percussion on the chorus. Seriously, what the hell is that? Is it a cowbell? Either way, it sticks out way too much. Fortunately everything else makes up for it. The production has epic swell with the backing vocals, but it stays controlled, creating a relaxing vibe while still having just enough to keep you on edge and invested. Dan Reynolds also tones back, letting his vocals build steadily rather than just going all out with no hesitation.

The lyrics and narrative also manage to work, detailing how Reynolds feels trapped by the music industry, but at the same time, he enjoys it. He’s become addicted to the struggle to stay relevant while also trying to maintain his creative vision, and he won’t stop until he’s dead, and when he does die, he’ll be satisfied with everything he’s accomplished. It’s kind of a dark sentiment, but the writing is able to make it sound epic, like a great adventure or battle. …which explains why this got used in so many trailers. I honestly don’t care about that.

Not Imagine Dragons’ best, I’d take about half of their debut album over this, but still a fantastic song that even this band’s harshest critics don’t have much animosity for. Good job guys, you should go in this direction instead of what you decided to do on Origins. Yeah, don’t do that ever again.

 

Number 4

 

In February, Black Panther was released, and it went on to become the highest grossing solo superhero film. Its original soundtrack, produced by Kendrick Lamar, also experienced massive success, with three songs off it making the year-end. And while All The Stars was good without being great and King’s Dead was just hilarious, neither could measure up to the soundtrack’s biggest hit, Pray For Me.

 

By the way, the video might cause seizures. Watch out for that. If you get a seizure, that’s now your fault for not listening to me.

#4. Pray For Me- The Weeknd & Kendrick Lamar

YE Position: 40

 

This is just the perfect song for a superhero movie, it’s a shame it was wasted in the movie, but whatever. The production is the perfect combination of dark and epic, the cold and mechanical bass anchoring the shadowy, looming swell on the chorus. The Weeknd was a perfect choice for this song, as his voice conveys all the desperation and sense of struggle needed. Kendrick’s verse is nowhere near his best work, but his somewhat monotone delivery creates a good contrast between him and The Weeknd, as while the Weeknd was struggling emotionally, Kendrick sounds completely resolved in facing this enemy and doing whatever it takes to defeat them. The tone and lyrics end up working both within the context of the movie, and as a standalone piece with characterization, story, and even a hint of political commentary. And I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point clear. Best song off the black panther soundtrack, and if Shallow and Sunflower are any indication, it looks like the trend of great soundtrack hits will continue into 2019.

 

Number 3

 

So, I never hated Thomas Rhett. He’s a decent singer with some charisma, and I even liked a couple of his songs. Yeah, he’s released some of the worst country songs of the decade, like Crash And Burn and Vacation, but I always felt he had potential.

 

And fortunately, I was right.

#3. Marry Me- Thomas Rhett

YE Position: 76

 

This is one of the best-written songs in recent memory. It starts off with Thomas describing this girl planning her wedding, and then the chorus switches over to himself and what he’ll be doing at the wedding, you’re set up into believing that this’ll just be a standard wedding song where Thomas is getting married, nothing special, nothing new, kind of sweet, but that’s it. And then-

 

“Yeah she wanna get married”

But she don’t wanna marry me”

 

Goddamn, that’s a plot twist. It catches you off guard, hits you hard emotionally, and immediately gets you invested in the song’s narrative.

 

The second verse then fleshes out the background between Thomas and this girl, how they’d been friends since childhood, and there was one moment where they almost came together, but it just didn’t happen. He’d loved her for a long time, always wondering if she felt the same way, but then he gets the wedding invitation. The second chorus resonates a lot more now that you know the context of why he’s going to hide in back, take a shot of whiskey to help him get through it and try not to cry.

 

The emotion peaks on the bridge, however, where Thomas, on the wedding, has the sudden impulse to go find her and confess his love, and you think this song might go downhill, follow the path of Wait by Maroon 5. But he stops himself, realizing how happy she is and decides to put her happiness and well-being above his own, a massive step up in maturity coming from the guy who made “Crash And Burn” just three years prior. And so, he just wishes her the best and does exactly what he said he would- sit in back and try not to cry as she gets married. What a masterpiece of songwriting.

 

…What helps is that the song sounds beautiful, with its steel guitar and piano sounding like the typical backdrop to a wedding track, which only adds to the heartbreak, and Thomas singing with more passion than he’s ever had before, passion that I didn’t know he had in him. Amazing song, deserved every bit of critical acclaim it received, and yet I liked two songs even more this year. Let’s see what they are.

Number 2

For the longest time, I thought this was a lock for the #1 spot. When I realized the song that did top this list actually had a shot of making the year-end, this got pushed down, but it was still a difficult choice to make because…

 

Holy fuck this really is something special.

#2. Let You Down- NF

YE Position: 29

 

“Oh haha, look at this guy, he likes a Jesus song lol hahahahaha” no shut up. Yes, NF’s a Christian Rapper, but that doesn’t mean all his songs are Jesus-related. Hell, this song didn’t even touch the Christian Charts. It’s not about Jesus, it’s about NF’s father, ok, got it? Now it’s time to actually, y’know, talk about the song.

 

Well, where to begin. How about the narrative? This song explores NF’s complicated feelings towards his father. On the one hand, he’s resentful. Nothing he ever did could be enough, he was constantly guilt-tripped and told he was wrong by a neglectful, alcoholic father. He’s essentially given up and is trying to cut his father, this toxic presence, out of his life, and yet-

 

“Feels like we’re on the edge right now

I wish that I could say I’m proud

I’m sorry that I let you down”

 

He still feels like a failure. And that’s the thing about that kind of psychological abuse, it lingers. You can be aware that you’re being manipulated, while still succumbing to said manipulation. It’s almost like stockholm syndrome. And the whole song is set in that single moment where NF tells his dad everything, puts all his feelings out there. He even says he would’ve liked to work things out, but his dad is still unwilling to have that conversation, instead attempting to sweep it under the rug and make everything seem ok. And the song ends on a note of tired defeat as NF reaches the conclusion that his father will never change and just leaves.

 

And the emotion is there in a lot of the vocals and production choices as well, with the pitched-up vocals on the first hook acting as the voice of a child, and the final chorus combining both normal vocals and pitched-up vocals bringing a certain sense of closure. There’s also how each verse is slightly more stripped back, like each one is revealing deeper layers of NF’s feelings. Now if only the percussion wasn’t so formulaic and NF didn’t start each verse with a “yeah”, this could’ve been #1, as well as one of the best songs of the entire decade. But even with those minor flaws, I still love this song and I’m glad it took off in the way that it did. But it’s not #1.

Number 1

Well, here it is. My favorite hit song of 2018, and one that, sadly, I feel will get largely overlooked by most critics, as just one of those “filler” country songs that take up slots near the bottom of the year-end. But I’m going to give it all the credit it deserves. Luke Combs, this one’s for you.

 

#1. One Number Away- Luke Combs

YE Position: 96

 

From the first opening second, this song is absolutely perfect and stunning, with that bleak, spacious guitar, which maintains a dark, jagged tone in the first verse, as Luke wonders to himself what his ex is doing, almost confrontationally, while giving some appreciated details about her character. But then on the chorus he drops all of that and breaks down, admitting that he’s still not over her, despite everything he said, he goes to call her, all being reflected in the instrumental shift to smoother electric guitars, but at the last moment he stops himself, one number away, because he knows he broke up with her for a reason, and he can’t take everything back now.

 

The second verse is even more aggressive, as he begins to ask his ex if the “smoke in her mirror is clearer” without him, and if she’s “replaced their favorite song”, which can work both literally and as metaphors, you can interpret that however you want. He’s upset by the very possibility, and yet again he goes to call her, and despite stopping himself again, he’s still desperate to even hear her voice, and all this frustration builds and builds into Luke Combs screaming the song title and a guitar solo that feels powerful and cathartic as hell, before calming down, and ending perfectly with a repeat of the guitar line in the opening. What a masterpiece.

 

This really is the best country hit since either Blown Away or Colder Weather, more than six years ago. Honestly I’m surprised country radio actually played something with this much raw intensity and power alongside fucking Get Along and Meant To Be this year. It may have only just scraped onto the year-end, but the fact that it made it here at all is good enough for me. One Number Away by Luke Combs- the best hit song of a pretty mediocre year.

 

And that’s the end! Sorry this one was a lot shorter than the worst list, I guess it’s easier to rip something apart than praise it. 2018 felt like kind of a chore to get through. Which is why my next worst and best lists will be for my favorite year for popular music ever- 2013. Also coming up soon will be a top 20 ranking sometime in February. And as a bonus, here’s the hot 100 for 2018 ranked:

 

  1. One Number Away
  2. Let You Down
  3. Marry Me
  4. Pray For Me
  5. Whatever It Takes
  6. How Long
  7. In My Blood
  8. Mercy
  9. No Limit
  10. Call Out My Name
  11. Eastside
  12. Say Something
  13. Powerglide
  14. The Middle
  15. Tequila
  16. I Fall Apart
  17. Rockstar*
  18. Nonstop
  19. Ric Flair Drip
  20. Nice For What
  21. Stir Fry
  22. Perfect
  23. Finesse
  24. Sky Walker
  25. Happier
  26. Thunder*
  27. Natural
  28. King’s Dead
  29. Him And I
  30. Delicate
  31. Back To You
  32. All The Stars
  33. Love Lies
  34. Lucid Dreams
  35. Trip
  36. Better Now
  37. Simple
  38. Feel It Still*
  39. Heaven
  40. Havana*
  41. Plain Jane
  42. Bartier Cardi
  43. Lemon
  44. No Tears Left To Cry
  45. Wolves
  46. Mine
  47. Look Alive
  48. Too Good At Goodbyes*
  49. Boo’d Up
  50. Love
  51. I Like Me Better
  52. God Is A Woman
  53. One Kiss
  54. Young Dumb & Broke
  55. Dura
  56. Freaky Friday
  57. Plug Walk
  58. Sicko Mode
  59. Psycho
  60. This Is America
  61. Big Bank
  62. Meant To Be
  63. God’s Plan
  64. New Rules
  65. Shape Of You*
  66. Motorsport
  67. I Like It
  68. Be Careful
  69. 1-800-273-8255
  70. Get Along
  71. Bodak Yellow
  72. Never Be The Same
  73. Girls Like You
  74. Changes
  75. Lights Down Low
  76. You Make It Easy
  77. I Get The Bag*
  78. IDGAF
  79. Gucci Gang
  80. I’m Upset
  81. In My Feelings
  82. Sad!
  83. Youngblood
  84. Taste
  85. Outside Today
  86. Moonlight
  87. No Brainer
  88. What Lovers Do*
  89. Friends
  90. Walk It Talk It
  91. Yes Indeed
  92. Sorry Not Sorry*
  93. Bad At Love
  94. Believer*
  95. Mi Gente*
  96. Fefe
  97. X
  98. Gummo
  99. Wait
  100. Te Bote

 

 

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2018

 

So, 2018 was a year.

 

    Look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I hated this year like most other music critics will? Well, I didn’t hate 2018. Considering how much I hated 2016 and 2017, I was honestly pleasantly surprised at what we got this year, even if most of it wasn’t all that memorable. In a strange way, I actually enjoyed putting this list together a lot less than last year’s. With 2017, I could go on for days about everything wrong with songs like Look What You Made Me Do, Bad Things, Tunnel Vision, Look At Me, and so many more.

 

    This year, we just didn’t get songs that inspired that kind of rage in me. Well, okay, we DID get a few of them (which we’ll be getting to later, obviously), but as a whole 2018 felt a lot less interesting than past years. Still, there still were some definite low points (a good portion of which came from criminal scumbags who don’t deserve any of the attention they got), and that’s what we’re going to be talking about today. Starting off with some DIShonorable mentions.

 

DHM. In My Feelings- Drake

YE Position: 9

    I could’ve gone with I’m Upset to represent the worst of Drake as a lead artist in 2018, but this uninspired piece of crap got on my nerves more than that song ever could. A song that copies the most memorable parts of Drake’s two previous smash hits- God’s Plan and Nice For What-, but ends up as a worse product because of that. The single verse takes the melody from the “She say do you love me” part of God’s Plan without realizing that what made that so memorable were the lyrics and not the vocal melody. And while the breakdown in Nice For What was energetic, bouncy & fun, the breakdown here sounds like it’s tripping over itself. The only passable part is the City Girls sample, but even that is dragged down by the plodding, stale production. Why did this get big?

 

Oh right, dance challenge. And speaking of songs that only became hits off virality…

 

DHM. Gucci Gang- Lil Pump

YE Position: 44

      In hindsight, I think we all overreacted as to how bad this song is. The production is… fine, if a little boring, and for better or for worse, these lines are memorable. No, my issue lies more with Lil Pump himself. Throughout 2018, he’s shown that he has some actual rapping talent, which makes his lazy, sedated tone and flow on this song even more insulting.

    And the hook… look, I don’t have a problem with repetition in hooks. If I did I would have to hate almost every song in existence. But I have to draw the line somewhere. 

 

DHM. Youngblood- 5 Seconds of Summer

YE Position: 36

     Oh boy, this can’t be a popular opinion.

     But I’m sorry, I’ve hated this song ever since it first charted, and it all comes down to that hook. That. Terrible. Hook. I really don’t understand how everyone can shit on Believer, but think this is okay. It has almost  the exact same problems- screeching vocals on the chorus with instrumentation that fails to carry any of the power needed to make it work, and verses that sound tolerable, but don’t build up to the hook at all, which just makes the chorus sound even more painful and out of place. And then they add this loud, abrasive, atonal synth in the final chorus to cap things off. Just lovely. Still, I admit I was overreacting when I called this the worst song in the Top 30 back in August. I can at least respect the mood this song was going for, even if it misfired completely, and like I said, the verses are fine. But I can’t give this a pass.

DHM. You Make It Easy- Jason Aldean

YE Position: 70

        2018 was an amazing year for country music, both in popularity and quality, so I guess we had to have at least one dud to even things out. Meant To Be and Get Along aren’t very good either, but Get Along’s only real crime is being painfully corny, and Meant To Be isn’t really a country song.

        Jason Aldean must’ve had a lot of faith in You Make It Easy, as he was able to promote it enough to get it to debut at 28 on the hot 100 after three years of underperforming singles. He then went on to give it not one, not two, but THREE music videos, and it was all for this song. This song that completely falls flat at being romantic, with its passionless vocals and sludgy production that tries to blend country and r&b and… well, at least I can say it worked better here than on Burnin It Down? This song might not be the worst, and in another year this would be off the list entirely, but like I said, in a year this great for country music, I have no use for this.

 

DHM. Lights Down Low- Max ft. Gnash

YE Position: 66

I really don’t get this song. And I don’t mean I don’t get its appeal, I mean I don’t get why it is the way it is. It starts off as a simple acoustic ballad, kind of boring, but nothing all that bad. Then we get Gnash’s verse. Then these massive heavy synths and thunderous drums come in. Then Max is belting these standard romantic lines at the top of his lungs, and by the end I just don’t know what the hell I listened to. I can’t even bring myself to put this on the list proper, it’s just too bizarre for me to actually hate it.

 

DHM. IDGAF- Dua Lipa

YE Position: 98

      I didn’t want to put Dua Lipa on the worst list. She’s a pretty good singer who has made some good stuff, but I was never a fan of New Rules and her minor follow-up hit was even worse, with its stiff production and stilted vocal melody. And while New Rules approached the breakup portrayed in a fairly unique way, IDGAF is more of a basic kiss-off anthem. And that’s not a bad thing, the lyrics actually save the song slightly, but it’s not enough for me to give this pass.

 

DHM. Sad!/Moonlight/Changes- XXXTentacion

YE Positions: 17/88/94

     I’m not going to be talking about XXXTentacion as a person. It’s beating a dead horse at this point (hehe, get it? Dead horse? Because he’s… nevermind.)

Instead, let’s look at his three year-end hits on their own merits.

 

Let’s start with Sad! The big one. The production actually isn’t that bad, but the lyrics. “Suicide if you ever try to let go” is one of the absolute worst things you can say to your romantic partner. You’re emotionally blackmailing them into staying with you, while also indirectly promoting the idea that suicidal people are “selfish” and “just looking for attention”. The rest of the lyrics aren’t much better, but that one line single-handedly destroys any defense I might have made for this song.

 

Then there’s Moonlight, the worst of the three, at least on a musical level. The synth loop is too jumpy and awkward to sound appealing, and the percussion speeds up at the end of each line, almost like it’s tripping over itself. At some points, you can barely even hear X over this mess of a beat, which might be a good thing, because he sounds half-asleep as he slurs almost every word on the verses. Why was this one of the ones that stuck around after his death?

 

And finally we have Changes, the best one. That’s not saying anything. For what it’s worth, the singing is actually pretty nice, even if X sounds identical to P&B Rock. As for the lyrics, well… I can kind of get the sentiment, but the idea is never expanded upon, so we have no idea how this girl changed. And that’s part of the main reason this song fails- nothing is fleshed out. The production is just a few piano notes over and over, and no details are given. If this was a fully developed song, I might’ve liked it. But as it is, I can’t get anything out of it.

 

Really, I should be grateful that these were the X songs to become hits. None of them even come close to the level of awful that was Look At Me, my #1 worst hit song of last year. And then there was his collab with Kodak Black, Roll In Peace, which mercifully got caught between years. If that song had even a slight chance of making the year end, it would’ve likely topped this list, or at least be a close second. Fuck that song and everything it stands for.

 

Ok, I got a little off topic there. Anyway, in summary, XXXTentacleporn sucked. Next!

 

DHM. Girls Like You- Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B

YE Position: 10

It finally looked like Maroon 5 was fading out, but then they released this and got possibly their biggest hit to date thanks to an exploitative music video, a huge radio push, and the remix with Cardi B. And I would be fine with all of that if the song was good. But as you can probably tell, I don’t consider this song good.

And it’s not like the song has any outwardly bad qualities. It’s that it doesn’t have any outwardly good qualities either. Adam Levine obviously doesn’t give a shit, he doesn’t even use his famous death screech- I mean falsetto. The production feels too stiff and rigid, and I’ll at least give Cardi B credit for trying to liven the song up on her verse, she even manages to slip in a line referencing masturbation- but it’s not enough. And if this ends up as a bigger hit than Moves Like Jagger and Makes Me Wonder by the end of its run, I’ll be very disappointed.

 

DHM. Taste- Tyga ft. Offset

YE Position: 28

It’s bad enough that we let one pedophile have hits this year (oh, we’ll get to him on the list proper), but we just had to bring back this guy, who last time we heard from him was having sex with a 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. Good year for sex offenders, I guess.

I know a lot of people like this song on a musical level, so let me clarify that this song is not on this list solely because of Tyga being a shit person. The vocal sample in the production makes my skin crawl, and even if Tyga’s flow is technically solid, he adds zero charisma and engagement to anything he says. At least Offset’s guest verse is decent, but the lyrics.

“I stick to your bitch like a spray tan”

“I’m the black JB the way these bitches scream”

“She gon suck me like a fuckin hi-C”

 

I’ll just let these speak for themselves and move on.

 

DHM. Outside Today- Youngboy NBA

YE Position: 91

    My rule is, I try separate the art from the artist, unless the actions of said artist are referenced within the song. And here, well…

 

“Just bought a pet monkey, cashed out on a tiger”

The tiger referenced here is a tiger cub that was seized by state authorities after it showed up with signs of abuse and neglect.

 

“Imma take you to trail, pray to lord I beat the case”

    Youngboy NBA was convicted of assault and kidnapping early this year. He did not beat the case.

    But y’know what? I probably could’ve overlooked those. I can’t, however, overlook Youngboy’s painfully nasal voice and the sloppily structured verse. You likely forgot this song existed, and so will I in about a month.

 

DHM. Believer/Mi Gente- Imagine Dragons/J Balvin & Willy William

YE Position: 99/100

    Two of the worst songs of last year scraped onto the bottom of this year-end because WHY THE FUCK NOT!?

 

   Alright, let’s begin the list proper, starting off with-

Number 10

     I wouldn’t say this song is that awful I almost left it as an honorable mention even. It’s just that when you rip yourself off, the least you could do is not have the exact same featured artists minus 1, yes I’m talking to you DJ Khaled.

10. No Brainer (AKA I’m The Two) by DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo & Chance The Rapper

YE Position: 73

    Yeah, this is pretty goddamn blatant retread of I’m The One from last year, a song I already hated. Hell, I might even like this song slightly more.

    But it’s not just because of the artists involved. No, the lyrics are the exact same “I’m the better guy for you” thing that I’m The One did, and the production uses the same vocaloid synths, even if they sound more tolerable here.

   But let’s look at the performances anyway, starting with Quavo. And he starts the song off fine, I really have nothing to complain about here. But then we have Chance, who starts off with passionless monotone rapping and then switches into his autotuned singing, but without any of the personality that made that work on songs like No Problem. Oh, and he has this line:

 

“She tryna choose between me, Justin, Qua’, and Asahd”

 

     This is Asahd

Image result for asahd khaled

 

      If she chooses him I’m calling the cops.

     Justin Bieber handles the chorus just like on I’m The One, but the hook is considerably worse this time around, because of how off the melody sounds on the “Go hard and watch the sun rise, one night’ll change your whole life” part.

    Despite that, I still stand by my statement that this is an improvement over I’m The One, if only barely. But I can’t think of any song this year more blatantly lazy and recycled than this one. Insert joke about the title and the amount of effort put in here.

Number 9

     

     Friendzone. I hate saying that word. Not only because it sounds stupid, but because it’s a pretty miserable situation for both people involved. So yeah, why not market your song as the Official Friendzone anthem?

9. Friends- Marshmello & Anne-Marie

YE Position: 26

    I was going to say something about how disappointed I was that Marshmello would follow up a legitimately great song like Silence with this garbage, but Marshmello’s production here really isn’t all that bad. The guitar blends surprisingly well with the rigid trap beat. The drop isn’t too bad either, even though it kind of has that “ball of noise” feel. But then there’s that final prechorus, where he adds a painfully shrill whistling synth followed by… whatever that belching thing is.

 

   But like I said, the production is not the problem. Everything else is.

    Let’s start with Anne-Marie. I guess you could say she let me down too, since my only exposure to her before FRIENDS was with Rockabye by Clean Bandit last year. I loved that song for a lot of reasons, one of them being Anne-Marie’s vocals. She showed some decent range and had enough emotion to sell the lyrics.

 

     And now she’s giving one of the most obnoxious vocal performances of the year. To make these lyrics work, you need to have a certain level of charisma, otherwise it just gets annoying fast. And Anne Marie lacks that charisma. Which ends up as an even bigger problem when you take a look at these lyrics, which, let’s be honest, is the real reason this is on the list. You can just disregard everything I’ve said about FRIENDS up until this point.

 

     Usually when a song is about the “friendzone” (yes, that’s right, Anne-Marie, there are other songs about this topic, you and Marshmello were not the first to come up with this idea), it’s from the point of view of the person stuck in the friendzone wanting to get out of it- take Everything You Want and You Belong with me, for example. But this time, it’s from the point of view of the “friendzoner”. Not the worst idea, but the execution makes everyone involved look bad.

“Don’t mess it up, talkin that shit

Only gonna push me away, that’s it

When you say you love me, that make me crazy

Here We Go Again”

     Here, it’s implied that the guy has been doing this repeatedly, which makes me wonder why Anne Marie is still friends with him. But the first verse did say they’d known each other since they were kids, so I’ll let it slide for now.

 

“Don’t go look at me with that look in your eye

You really ain’t goin away without a fight”

 

     Oh, so you do want him out of your life. Despite saying he’s like a brother to you. Not even at the first chorus and the song’s narrative already contradicted itself.

“Haven’t I made it obvious?

Haven’t I made it clear?

Want me to spell it out for you?

F-R-I-N-D-S”

 

You want him out of your life… and for him to be your friend. Also, “Frinds”.

 

“Have you got no shame, you lookin insane

Turnin up at my door

It’s two in the mornin, the rain is pourin

Haven’t we been here before?”

 

He’s showing up at your house constantly, almost stalking you… and you still want him as a friend? Honestly if I were you I’d get a restraining order.

 

“F-R-I-E-N-D-S

That’s how you fuckin spell friends”

 

     Ok, this bridge doesn’t make the narrative any worse, but it does make the song worse for being really fuckin annoying. It’s so horribly condescending that I almost wanna feel sorry for the creepy stalker guy. That’s really not a good sign.

     FRIENDS, a grating song with horrible lyrics from two artists I expected better from. At least Marshmello recovered with Happier, but as for Anne-Marie… I heard her new album was pretty terrible, so I guess she was only good for Rockabye.

 

Number 8

 

    I touched on this before, but Drake dominated this year, landing NINE SONGS on the year-end, counting features, breaking the previous record of 8 set by… also Drake, in 2016. Jesus, American public, how much of this guy do you want? Goddamn. But how many of his 2018 hit songs do I actually like?

      Three. And one of them- Look Alive- is only decent tier. The rest ranged from mediocre to awful. I already covered In My Feelings and said it was the worst Drake hit with him as the lead artist, and there’s a reason I made that specification.

 

      Because if you want the worst Drake got in 2018, you have to look at other people’s songs.

8. Walk It Talk It- Migos ft. Drake

YE Position: 43

      And might as well pile on #7 while we’re at it

7. Yes Indeed- Lil Baby ft. Drake

YE Position: 25

    Let’s start with Walk It Talk It, probably the worst song Migos has ever made. I mean I’ve only heard their big hits, half of Culture 2 and maybe four of their early songs, but I really doubt they can do much worse than this.

    The icy bells don’t feel like they have any direction, instead just kind of floating from note to note, and that might’ve even been able to set up a decent atmosphere if the trap percussion wasn’t so rigid lifeless and if each note wasn’t stretched out to its limit, and it gets especially bad on that sluggish hook. And speaking of that hook…Walkittalkit

    Okay, y’know what? I gotta apologize to Gucci Gang. THIS is a truly lazy hook. If you’re gonna be this repetitive, at least switch up the melody at some points, but no, this might as well be a single vocal clip played over and over. And there are even some solid bars on the verses, but all that is completely cancelled out by… that.

   But even when Offset tries to bring some energy on his verse, it actually backfires because of the tonal clash between him and the beat. But I will say all four verses are passable, at least. But the whole song just feels like album filler. Album filler that happened to have a Drake feature so it became a smash hit despite having nothing worth coming back to.

 

    But it could be worse.

 

   It could be Yes Indeed.

 

    The two-note horn sounds like it’s buried in the back of the mix, except that’s impossible since it and the skitters of colorless trap percussion are the only things here aside from the occasional loud pounding noise. I don’t know if this description makes any sense, but it’s like the production is drowning in a sea of nothing. It’s actually really unsettling, and I have no idea how Wheezy- the producer on this track- even managed to fuck up this badly.

    Okay, beat is barely there, so I guess we’re supposed to focus on our performers. Let’s start with Drake.

 

     He sounds bored as shit.

 

     Okay, onto Lil Baby. I cannot stand this guy, and the fact that he actually has a fanbase is astonishing to me. He sounds like a combination of the worst aspects of Fetty Wap and Young Thug, without any of the personality that makes those rappers enjoyable to listen to. He sounds like he inhaled helium and then swallowed a tennis ball while brining nothing new or unique to the table. In terms of talent alone, I’d say this guy is the worst rapper currently in the mainstream. I hope his career hits a brick wall and I never have to hear from this shitstain again.

 

   And if you thought the problems ended with the music, you’d be wrong because the lyrics are garbage too!

 

   “Yellow ferrari like Pikachu”

   Look, I totally support more Pokemon references in music, but could you at least come up with something new instead of copying off of Young Thug? I mean it’s bad enough you’re trying to copy his voice, you don’t need to steal his lyrics too.

 

“25 Hundred for a new pair of tennis shoes

The same price, I could make them youngins come finish you”

 

  1. Are you saying my life is worth 2500$? That’s fine by me, honestly a lot more than I was expecting.
  2. T H E M  Y O U N G I N S

 

“Lawyer been chargin, he a jew he like his voodoo”

    Not only is that line incredibly offensive to Jewish people, but Lil Baby chose to include this line on the song featuring Drake, WHO IS JEWISH. I’m surprised he even agreed to be a part of the song considering that line, but what’s most likely is he never even bothered to look at the song and just phoned in a guest verse because the label told him to.

 

“Wah wah wah, bitch I’m the baby”

 

Whoever approved that line should be lit on fire.

 

    In 2018, Drake had the star power to make pretty much anything a hit as long as his name was attached to it, and he chose boring album filler and a talentless nobody. Never forget that.

 

Number 6

 

    I almost wanted to skip this song. Not only did I dread listening to it, but I also have trouble explaining why. Turns out it wasn’t quite as horrible as I remembered. But this has been over a year in the making, so let’s fuckin do this, Halsey.

6. Bad At Love- Halsey

YE Position: 27

 

    This entire song is just dismal. Mostly because of the production, made up mostly of bleak, oversaturated strings and plinking monotonous bells with some occasional stiff, flat drums. Admittedly the piano line after the second chorus is is pretty nice, I wish that lasted longer.

    Then we have Halsey, who has probably never sounded worse. At least on Now Or Never last year, she had some control. Here she has to switch from her normal restrained tone to belting on the chorus. It’s kind of the same issue I had with Youngblood, but here it’s even worse because she also switches within the chorus. The syllable count between lines becomes really uneven on the prechorus/chorus, meaning Halsey also has to speed up and slow down constantly.

    Then we have the lyrics themselves, and wow Halsey’s being way too hard on herself. The first verse describes her relationship with a guy who didn’t support her dreams, and in the second verse, she’s with a girl who has a cocaine addiction. Neither of those are her fault. And yet she’s bad at love? Yeah no. Glad I got that over with, now I can put this song out of my mind forever.

 

 

Number 5

    Last month, it was announced that 6ix9ine was indicted on several charges of murder, robbery, assault and kidnapping. He could potentially face a life sentence if found guilty (side note: fuck anyone who says he should be “freed”), despite the fact that he should have been locked up a long time ago, as soon as he first admitted to several counts of use of a minor in sexual conduct. In other words, he’s a filthy pedophile.

    But while I am glad he’s finally facing justice, I feel like the damage has already been done, because he had two hits this year and possibly another next year if anything off his leaked new album gets traction, and yes, both of 6ix9ines two hit songs made this list.

5. Fefe- 6ix9ine ft. Nicki Minaj & Murda Beatz

                      YE Position: 31

      Is it weird to say I was disappointed with this song? I mean, I wasn’t expecting it to be any good, but I thought at least 6ix9ine’s yelling and Nicki’s forceful personality could kind of work together, but the unfortunate thing is, we got neither.

 

   Let’s start with everyone’s favorite sex offender, 6ix9ine. I wasn’t exactly a fan of his shouting shtick, but it occasionally worked for me on songs like Keke (why the fuck does he name his songs like this), and it did make him stand out in the soundcloud rap scene. But on this song, he decided to abandon that for this hoarse mumbling delivery. Why? Did he lose his voice from shouting too much? Either way he still sounds like dogshit. Is what he’s saying any better? Definitely not. And you know who agrees with me? 6ix9ine.

 

        And he really should’ve spent more time on his verses, because, well…

 

“Talk to her nice so she won’t fight back”

 

     So she won’t … fight back. One question, Mr 6ix9ine: why would she be fighting back? Unless you’re assaulting her, which… is actually pretty likely considering the type of person you are.

 

“Niggas say they killin people, but I really fuckin do it”

   That line’s gonna be used against him in court, I guarantee it. But seriously though, I doubt 6ix9ine has ever killed anyone personally. He’s too weak. I bet he got his eight security guards to do it or something.

 

     And then we get Nicki, who basically committed career suicide this year all because she didn’t like that another female rapper was getting popular. After burning nearly all her bridges, who does she decide to associate with? The rainbow pedophile. Her verses on Fefe aren’t exactly terrible, but they are phoned in, and she says she wants to fuck 6ix9ine, which, well… how shall I put this… you’re not exactly his type.

 

   Ooh, I almost forgot that bridge!

“Eenie meenie miney mo I catch that hoe right by the toe

   If she ain’t fuckin me and Nicki kick that hoe right through the door”

 

    I thought we all agreed to never use eenie-meenie-miney-mo in a song ever again after that Sean Kingston song from 2010. And yet here 6ix9ine is, using it as his method of picking hoes. Nice.

 

    But then we have the production, courtesy of Murda Beatz, who was so proud of his work here that he demanded to be listed as a featured artist. For the record, the last song he produced before this was Nice For What. Guess that song didn’t deserve to have his name attached, but this shit did. And the beat here is fucking rancid, with the paper-thin synth line and the dull trap percussion clashing horribly.

 

    Fefe- a song from a declining artist and a convicted pedophile with no effort put into it at all, and a top 3 hit. Disgraceful.

 

Number 4

   But ON the subject of lack of effort- AND Nickis-

4. X- Nicky Jam ft. J Balvin

YE Position: 90

     Ok, first of all, THAT FUCKING HORN RIFF. It sounds cheap and like it’s made out of plastic, fake. And the high-pitched part makes me want to die. It’s clearly trying to copy off Balvin’s last hit Mi Gente, but as terrible as that song was, at least the horns had some texture. Worst moment in music all year, no contest.

 

    And I wish that was the only problem.

 

   The rest of the production is generic reggaeton, with the added bonus of being limp and sounding like it’s stumbling over itself half the time. The rhythm is completely off balance.

 

    So the production is a trainwreck, how about our two frontmen here? Well, J Balvin is actually pretty solid, nothing to complain about with him. But then there’s Nicky Jam. I thought this guy was a better singer than this? I mean I’ve only heard one other song by him, that being his hit from 2015, but he sounded fine there. But what he’s doing here is just embarrassing, with his almost tone-deaf braying delivery on the verses.

 

   Shit, is that all I have to say? Any bad translated lyrics?

 

“The desire to eat you is stronger now”

   Oh, I didn’t know you were into vore. Didn’t want to, either. I bet something was lost in translation, but as it is, that line is pretty uncomfortable.

 

    Alright, I’m done wasting time here. This isn’t even the last latin song on the list. And believe me, I’ll have a lot more to say about that one.

 

Number 3

 

“SCUMGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG”

 

     Scum gang indeed.

3. Gummo- 6ix9ine

            YE Position: 56

    Welcome back, 6ix9ine

 

   I’m gonna try to keep this one brief. 6ix9ine doesn’t deserve the attention I’ve given him, but when his songs are this bad, I can’t just not talk about them.

    So this song has 6ix9ine’s classic shouting. I said before that this gimmick actually worked sometimes, but not here. In fact, this might be his worst song in that style. At his best, he can bring some energy and intensity. I guess he brings some intensity, but he sounds miserable.

   And the production certainly doesn’t help. It’s pretty sparse, with one spacious synth tone and occasional trap skitters. It’s not enough to back him up, and it even actively works against him at points when it swells up and overpowers 6ix9ine’s voice, leading to this clash in tones that almost gives me a headache.

   Ok, now the lyrics. And to get the elephant in the room out of the way: 6ix9ine says the n word a lot, like a lot, despite not being black. Now obviously I don’t have the right to tell other people what they can and can’t say, especially in this case, but I’m just wondering why he hasn’t gotten called out for it much by the black community. But that aside, what else does he say? Well, it’s pretty much just a bunch of edgy shit.

 

“I don’t fuck with no old hoes, only new hoes”

   Yup. You sure do like the “new hoes” alright.

 

“Shout out… but I fuck that nigga bitch”

    For months I thought he was saying “shut up” and now that I know he’s not, I’m kinda disappointed.

 

“She wanna fuck but keep the clothes on, I only want the jaw”

   That is probably the worst metaphor for oral I’ve ever heard

 

“In New York my niggas don’t Milly Rock, my niggas money bop”

 

    So, some backstory about this line. The beat for this song was made by Pi’erre Bourne, who also worked on Playboi Carti’s Magnolia. Pi’erre made this beat for Trippie Redd, but 6ix9ine bought it from Trippie without Pi’erre’s knowledge. Pi’erre wasn’t very happy about this because he actually has moral standards and didn’t want a pedophile using his beat. In response, 6ix9ine added this line, referencing Magnolia, to diss Pi’erre. And then, funnily enough, 6ix9ine and Trippie stopped being friends too and he threw a diss against him in there too.

 

 

Shit I said I’d keep this entry brief didn’t I?

 

I think I’ve said enough. See you in prison, 6ix9ine.

 

 

Number 2

    I already talked about another song by this particular act on this list, more specifically in the dishonorable mentions. I said that it shouldn’t have been a hit because it has nothing going for it, but I think the real reason that that song shouldn’t have been a hit was because their previous single should’ve killed their career.

 

Because this is fucking inexcusable

2. Wait- Maroon 5

YE Position: 58

   

   Seriouusly, Maroon 5 should be over at this point. All of their recent singles with the exception of Cold have sucked, and this is by far the worst one. Nothing about this is even remotely good, it’s an absolute disaster on every possible level.

   Let’s do the lyrics first, which are reprehensible. The basic premise is, Adam Levine is begging his ex to take him back:

“Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around?

Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out?

Just wait, can you come here please? ‘Cause I wanna be with you”

 

   See, the chorus implies that the breakup is happening in the moment, and he wants to try to work things out before she leaves. Except that’s not the scenario presented in the song.

 

“Dirty looks from your mother

Never seen you in a dress that color, no

It’s a special occasion

Not invited but I’m glad I made it”

 

    The girl’s getting married. She’s moved on with her life, she’s gotten over it, and yet Adam comes in, uninvited, to try to get her back for himself.

“Wasn’t tryna get wasted

Needed more than three or four to say this, oh”

 

   Oh, and did I mention that he’s drunk?

 

“Let me apologize

I’ll make up, make up, make up, make up for all those times

Your love, I don’t wanna lose

I’m beggin, beggin, beggin, beggin, beggin you”

 

    “I’ll make up for all those times” is far too vague a phrase to have any impact, making Adam come off less sincere and more emotionally manipulative and selfish.

“You say I’m just another bad guy

You say I’ve done a lot of things I can’t undo”

    Thanks for confirming that you’re only thinking of yourself here, Adam. She views you as a “bad guy”. You had a chance to save your relationship long ago and you blew it. That’s your fault. Move the fuck on with your life and let her move on with hers instead of trying to ruin it through manipulation and guilt tripping.

 

     But then there’s how this sounds. Maroon 5 trap song. I could probably stop there, but I’m not going to because this production is wretched, with its wonky burbles of synth, trap percussion going too fast to match the song’s tempo. Adam’s vocals are some of his worst, he can’t even bother to sound invested and his already terrible falsetto feels limper and more pathetic than usual. And then on the bridge, the beat is drenched in bass, some guitar line comes out of nowhere for like three seconds, and Adam is given demonic backing vocals before leaping into his falsetto. It barely lasts 20 seconds, but it’s the worst 20 seconds in music all year.

 

    So, with all that being said, Wait is only at #2. And by now you’ve either guessed or are wondering what my #1 is, so let’s go.

 

 

Number 1

 

 

    If you’re relatively unfamiliar with this next song, you might think it’s just mediocre and kind of boring, and not worthy of being on this list, especially not at such a high placement. And I can understand that.

 

 

 

… Unless you understand Spanish.

1. Te Bote (Remix)- Casper Magico, Darrell, Nio Garcia, Ozuna, Nicky Jam & Bad Bunny

YE Position: 81

     I’ve said many times this year that this would be my #1, so if you know me on twitter, you could see this coming. But it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I get to obliterate this wretched pile of shit.

 

    Before we get into the big stuff: the production. It’s a direct copy of Unforgettable by French Montana & Swae Lee. And I don’t mean they have a few similarities, no it sounds exactly the same. Listen to the songs side by side and you’ll see what I’m talking about. But the one difference between the two is the moody synths in Unforgettable were removed on Te Bote, leaving us with a repetitive drone for the song’s entire SEVEN MINUTE RUNTIME.

 

   But the only reason the song made the list at all is because of the lyrics. This is possibly the worst set of lyrics to any hit song this decade. So let’s rip this piece of shit to shreds line by line, using the english translation. The song is unclear on whether it’s directed at one girl or if all six douchebags are speaking to someone different. But it really doesn’t matter, so I’ll just assume it’s the same girl for the sake of convenience.

 

Ozuna starts us off with his painfully whiny, high-pitched singing. Let’s see how he introduces the song’s premise:

 

“I spend a lot of nights thinking about you

I don’t know how or when (eh, eh)

But I only know that I remembered (eh, eh)”

 

The wording of these three lines bothers me so much and I can’t really explain why.

 

“How I did it to you that time (oh, oh)

And I can’t continue to be alone (hehe)

But I know that I threw you out

I threw you out of my life, and threw you out (yeh)

I cut you slack and I let you go… I let you go

To hell I sent you… and I sent you

I threw you out of my life, and threw you out”

 

    Wow. Way to kill off any sympathy I might have had for you. Are you trying to say dumping her was like sending her to hell? Because I doubt that. She’s probably a lot happier without you. And yet you want us to feel bad because you’re lonely? Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you “threw her out of your life”. Fun fact: the term “Te Bote” commonly refers to taking out the trash. So you’re basically saying you threw this girl in the trash. Wow, just lovely.

 

    And everything I just said? That’s just from the intro. We haven’t even gotten into the song yet. Fucking end me.

 

    The first verse is Bad Bunny, who has a vocal effect that makes him sound possessed. Let’s hear what he has to say about this woman

“Baby life is a cycle (wuh)

And if doesn’t work, I don’t recycle”

 

    Eh, fair enough I guess. If things don’t work out, there’s really no point in staying together. You’re being a bit of a dick about it, though.

 

“So move from my life”

 She did tho. You already threw her away.

 

“I got tired of your lies”

 

   Oh, an actual reason for why you’re treating her this way. I’ll hear you out. Please, elaborate. How did she lie to you?

 

“If I give it to you it’s to remember a TBT, yeh

There’s another girl who likes me (yeh)”

 

   Or I guess you won’t go into detail, leading me to believe that you just made that up as weak justification for your actions. But what you’re saying here is you’ve got another girl who likes you now, and you’ll only have sex with her for “ThrowBack Thursday”.

   What the hell was that line even for? Was it supposed to be hard-hitting? Was it supposed to be funny? Because it’s none of those things. It’s just dumb and confusing.

 

“Everything has its end, everything expires (yeh)

You’re the past and the past never returns

Go to hell (wuh)”

You’re not even trying to hide what a dick you are anymore, huh?

 

“My body doesn’t need you”

Good to know all you care about is sex.

 

“What it’s asking for is a dirty dance in La Placita”

Ok, have fun with your hookers.

 

“I hate to know that I trusted in you again”

What do you mean “again?”. Oh, this is another thing you won’t explain, isn’t it?

 

“I hate all the “I Love You’s” that I texted a thousand times”

Oh yeah, I bet you were such a loving person.

 

“Our love drove in a Bugatti and you stayed on foot, I threw you out”

 

   She wasn’t moving fast enough for you… so you dumped her and made a song shitting on her. I feel like you might be a bit of a horrible person.

 

     Here’s the hook, sung by Bad Bunny and one of the three nobodies. More of the “I sent you to hell” stuff and the added bonus of “oh yeah, by the way, I fucked your friend. Fuck you, bitch”:

 

“I cut you slack and I let you go… I let you go

To hell you left… and you left

And I nailed your friend, I nailed her

F*ck you, bitch (Wuh)”

 

So now all the guys no one know or care about have their verses in succession, so let’s tear through these. First comes this guy:

 

“With you, I’m obligated to wear a condom”

     Hey dumbass, if you’re not wearing a condom while you’re fucking all these women, you’re gonna get a lot of STDs. I mean, it’s kind of what you deserve, but

 

“But I’m postin in mid court like Rondo”

“I give you a funeral (that’s right)”

 

Yeah, no comment.

 

    Nobody #2 comes in, spews all the same shit, but he does take the misogynistic undertones the song had and make them fucking blatant.

 

“I no longer suffer for love, now I break hearts”

 

   So now you’re not committed to any relationship and you just go around using people? Ok degenerate.

 

“But I have a new ass who fucks me and gives me lots of affection”

 

  And you view them as “ass” and nothing more. Great.

 

Ozuna comes back to give possibly the worst verse on the whole goddamn song:

Out of my life, I threw you out

And I know you’re not just anybody

I’ll spend my entire life

Asking where did it go

But your friend texts me

Every time she desires me

She takes a photo with me

And tells me it’s for you to see it

I light up to see if I forget

Your name, your kisses, your body, your moans

We would do it in the car, you would scream in my ear

I close my eyes and think of everything we did, baby

I light up to see if I forget

Your name, your kisses, your body, your moans

We would do it in the car, you would scream in my ear

I close my eyes and think of everything we did, baby”

 

    You want my sympathy. After everything already said in the song, all the hateful, vile bullshit you’ve spewed, which you even confirmed was because she wasn’t quite able to keep up with you, you want me to feel sorry for you because you still think about her sometimes. But then in the next FUCKING line you bring up how you’re banging her friend out of spite (the friend too, which makes absolutely no sense), but still, you want my sympathy because you can’t stop thinking about the sex you had. Oh poor you. Well, you know what Ozuna?

     GO FUCK YOURSELF FOR EVEN TRYING THAT EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE BULLSHIT. AT LEAST I COULD’VE SAID THE SONG WASN’T TRYING TO MAKE YOU SIDE WITH THESE DOUCHEBAGS, BUT NO. YOU JUST HAD TO PLAY THE VICTIM THERE, DIDN’T YOU? FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT FUCK EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS SONG, AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, YOU’RE THE ONES THAT SHOULD GO TO HELL. WORST SONG OF THE YEAR, ONE OF THE WORST SONGS OF THE DECADE, AND I’M DONE.

 

….

 

What, the song’s not over? Still got two guys left? Eh, not worth it. Best list coming soon hopefully, so look forward to that, but until then, goodbye.